Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Completely Clueless TSA

Read this blog post. Excellently written and explains, from a law enforcement perspective, why the TSA, responsible for keeping the skies free from terrorists, is doomed to fail us.

Frankly, the TSA is underpaid, understaffed and under-trained. It acts as a deterrent... there's always a chance that they'll catch a terrorist if one tries to sneak weapons on board. But a brute force attack, with multiple terrorists testing the system at the same time... you can't be confident the TSA will stop every one. Either the technology needs to step up or the people do.

Of course, capturing Bin Laden and bringing him to justice would help.

How bout it, Obama?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bah Humbug

Time Magazine features an article about Christians bemoaning the commercialization of a holiday that is supposed to celebrate the birth of their savior:
[Pastor] McKinley and his friends decided to try a radical experiment. They urged congregants to spend less on presents for friends and family and to consider donating some of the money they saved as a result. At first, church members weren't quite sure how to react. "Some people were terrified," remembers McKinley. "They said, 'My gosh, you're ruining Christmas. What do we tell our kids?' " The pastors had to reassure people that they weren't advocating a Grinchy no-gifts kind of Christmas, but rather one in which people spend a little less and think a little more, expressing their love through something more meaningful than a gift card.
Then of course, at the bottom of the article, Time posts this link:

Time's Holiday Gift Guide 2009
Time's Holiday Gift Guide 2009

Ah, 'Tis The Season... for the media to pay lip service to religion and promote GIFTS, GIFTS, GIFTS!!! (which earn a lot more advertising revenue than Jesus does.)

Not that I'm complaining. I had a pretty sweet haul for Hanukkah this year. Thanks Family!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Happy Hanukkah!!

Tonight we honor the brave Maccabees and the miracle that sustained the Jewish people after a brutal war with the Greek Empire. One container of oil, barely enough to light the eternal flame of the synagogue for one day, somehow lasted the eight days necessary to procure more oil. And because of that, we eat oily, scrumptious potato latkes every December. Now that's one delicious miracle.





I'd put the second one up, but the only copy I can find online has that annoying "I'm Blue" song tacked on to the beginning. That DOES NOT get me into the holiday spirit.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

What Is A Republican? What Is A Democrat?

The GOP is thinking about making its members take a test in order to qualify for party funding. They're given a list of the ten core principles of the Republican party, and if they disagree with 3 or more of them, then they will be fed to Rush Limbaugh, presumably.

Here's the GOP list:

(1) Smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill

(2) Market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

(3) Market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) Workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check

(5) Legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) Victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) Containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat

(8) Retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) Protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) The right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership

I don't score too well. But what's interesting about this test is that all of these ten are given equal weight. Are you pro-choice and believe in Gay marriage? Well as long as you're okay with everything else, the GOP would still consider you Republican. Two of the biggest Republican issues right now, and you could safely take the democratic side without losing precious party funding.

What would the Democratic test be? I thought up this list:

(1) Oppose big-brother government initiatives like the Patriot Act, Guantanamo Bay, and torture programs.

(2) Support a progressive tax structure that relieves the tax burden of middle and working class Americans

(3) Oppose drilling in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge, support environmental controls and renewable energy

(4) Support maintaining separation between church and state

(5) Support cultural diversity and immigration reform, including amnesty for current illegal immigrants

(6) Support removal of American troops from Iraq and Afghanistan by shifting responsibility to locals and other coalition forces.

(7) Support a foreign policy of diplomatic engagement and working together with our allies.

(8) Oppose the Defense of Marriage Act and other efforts to strip homosexuals of their rights

(9) Support the Supreme Court decision of Roe vs. Wade

(10) Support government-run social programs as a means of ensuring equal freedom for all economic classes.

Sure, the Democrats have a big tent, but most people in it can get behind at least 8 of these ten.

In other news, the Greens are planning a purity test too, but nobody cares.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bill Simmons

An article like this is why Bill Simmons has become such a popular sportswriter. The guy writes like a sports fan. Like an educated sports fan. Reading this, you can't help but think it's the final word on this Bill-Belichick-going-for-it on-fourth-and-2-from-his-own-28-with-the-lead-late-in-the-game-vs-Indy-controversy. Can you argue with his logic?

Sure, if the Patriots make it, the game's over. But the game's probably over if they punt it too. By not punting, the game is definitely NOT over. In fact, it makes it pretty likely you lose.

Bellicheat sucks.

Monday, November 09, 2009

This Is How You Promote Girls Soccer

Forget Mia Hamm And Brandi Chastain.

Why focus on the beauty, grace, and inspiration of a sport when you can focus on girls in shorts attacking one another brutally??





That pigtail throwdown is brutal. Now that's entertainment! (/sad state of today's youth, etc. etc.)

Thursday, November 05, 2009

#27, Let The Ticker-Tape Parade Commence

Yankees Win!!!!

[[NOTE: Get Your Tickets To City Hall Plaza, HERE]]

I was in a ridiculously crowded bar last evening (Blind Pig, on 14th Street) when Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in the history of the game, closed out the New York Yankees 27th World Series Championship.

The atmosphere was electric. With every windup came the quickly accelerating claps and stomps that have become the traditional last sound opposing batters hear right before a two-strike cut fastball sends them back to the dugout. When that harmless grounder was scooped up by Robbie Cano, and shoveled to Mark Teixeira at first, you could feel the bar momentarily leave the ground.

The Yankees Win!! Thhheeee Yankees Win!!!!!!

My friend Jay was at the game. I had chosen a tragic, mist soaked Game 1. I hate that bastard right now.

I plan to go to the ticker-tape parade tomorrow, and if your do too, here's some things you should know:

First, an excellently illustrated blog post on the importance of getting there EARLY: The Anatomy of A NYC Parade.

Second, a parade primer:

Parade Primer
Click To Enlarge

Third, the parade route map:

Parade Route
Click To Enlarge

And finally, practical advice from around the interweb on how to land a choice spot:

This Will Not Happen To You: Best Parade Ever (Seriously)

One Man's Good Spot: Broadway nr. John St.

Live Blog Of The Giants 2008 Parade: He gets there at 9:21, and that's cutting it close.


My First Ticker Tape Parade
They get there around 9:00.


Could This Person See Anything?
"Toomer, I Think"

"People were already lined up in front of Trinity Church this morning when I left for work and cars were rolling down Broadway honking incessently – all 4 hours before the Giants even showed up."

This is from the Mayor's Office:
Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg announced today that the City will hold a public ticket giveaway at 2:00 PM today through 311, NYC.gov and Twitter for the ceremony honoring the 2009 World Series Champion New York Yankees at City Hall Plaza on Friday, November 6, 2009 at 1:00 PM. The 1:00 PM ceremony, where Mayor Bloomberg will present the Yankees with Keys to the City, will follow the ticker-tape parade up the Canyon of Heroes that begins at 11:00 AM. The sidewalks lining the parade route along Broadway from Battery Place to Chambers Street are open to all members of the public, and the City will set up a large screen near City Hall Park for members of the public to watch the subsequent ceremony. There is very limited space on City Hall plaza for the ceremony itself.

The City will conduct a public giveaway for 500 tickets to the ceremony on Thursday, November 5th from 2:00 PM to 4:00 PM through www.NYC.gov/parade and 311. People will also be able to access the entry form through the New York City Mayor's Office Twitter page: twitter.com/NYCMayorsOffice. New Yorkers 18 years and over will have an opportunity to enter the giveaway by visiting www.NYC.gov/parade or calling 311 and selecting the Parade Giveaway menu option. There will not be an opportunity to enter the giveaway before 2:00 PM, and it will end promptly at 4:00 PM. Entrants may only enter once and request two tickets, and will be asked to give their name, email address and phone number in order to enter. Members of the public can become a follower of the New York City Mayor's Office Twitter page by visiting twitter.com/NYCMayorsOffice.
Get There Early, People. Otherwise, don't bother.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Conflict Of Interest

Never before have two of my interests collided so tragically. The final season of Lost, the greatest show ever made, will be preempted for two weeks because of the Winter Olympics, a sporting extravaganza I once attended in Lillehammer, Norway and love to watch as well (I once pretended to be a speed skater to pick up a chick... it failed miserably).

Can't the creators of Lost find some solution other than stopping the season for two weeks? Like maybe they can do some crossover episode in which Hurley attempts the luge in order to escape the Others, and John Locke shows off his deadly accuracy while biathlon-ing through an ice age version of the mysterious island?

Hey, there was a polar bear on Lost once. And Ben Linus does look bad-ass in a parka.

Frozen Donkey Wheel
If Ben could push this...

Bobsled
... then couldn't he push this?

I'm just sayin, lets be creative here. Maybe change the time slot for those two weeks of Lost to coincide with a Winter Olympics event no one really wants to watch, like Curling. It's shuffleboard on ice, people! You don't watch shuffleboard, do you?

Yeah yeah. I know, keep dreamin. Bob Costas better bring his A game.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Weed For Kids With Autism??!

I saw this article today and was completely horrified. The author, a teacher at Brown University (so much for the Ivy League), admits to doping her nine year old autistic son because she can't deal with his tantrums.

My sister has autism. A severe case similar to this author's child. And my parents and my sister's teachers dealt with years of her tantrums through traditional therapies, which, while long, frustrating, and often-times grueling, have helped my sister learn to live life in spite of the limitations autism attempts to place on her.

The author of this piece didn't have the patience or time for that. Her solution was to drug up her 9-year-old... basically, keep him high all day so he didn't act out. Because the author saw her child as a problem, and not, well, a child, she didn't have any issues with this.

Let me make this analogy: Say your baby keeps you up at night all hours with crying. A traditional parent would rock the baby back to sleep, give it a bottle, play music, read another bedtime story until the child finally went back to sleep, even if it came at the cost of their own slumber. But the author of this piece would probably fill a baby bottle with a couple shots of Southern Comfort and make their baby drink till she passed out from drunkeness. Problem solved!!!!

This author is getting her child high... because it makes him easier to deal with. It's hard to get an autistic child to swallow pills, or undergo therapy. But give a kid with autism a cookie? They'll eat it right up. And then it's easy to get a high child to do just about anything... like Jaycee Dugard's kidnappers discovered.

What a horrific person!

The author wrote a part 2 presenting evidence of how pot has helped her child. For instance, he smiles more! But then again, she's not concerned with helping her child adapt to the world and gain some sense of independence. Rather, she is perfectly content to make her child a drug-dependent invalid, who will go his whole life not learning how to live with his condition, but instead, how to live in a cloudy daze.

Her concern is with a happy child. What if all parents tried to make their children happy in the same way? Maybe my mom could have fed me pot every day since childhood. I'd be pretty happy... at least until the drugs started to wear off and I realized I was a pothead still living with my mom at age 27.

What happens when the marijuana runs dry? The author better hope it never happens. Because she'll be left with a child who hasn't learned, hasn't grown, and hasn't adapted to cope in the world, despite his limitations. She'll be left with a kid begging for his pot.

She's learned to control her kid with drugs. Congrats.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Bon Voyage!

I'm off to Paris for a week. So the blog will go quiet (yes, more than it has already). But feel free to take this time to look back and bask in almost 8 years of Adam's Life (several of which have been erased for security purposes). Like my rants. Or Guest Blogger Robbie Republican. You can recall the time I met a weird girl at Macy's. Or you can just marvel that its been more than a year since the virgin shark was killed, and the apocalypse hasn't yet happened.
PETA Kills Pets????

This was very disturbing: PETA kills 95% of its pets.

Of course, I don't really take a figure like that at face value. And neither should you. Any intelligent person would immediately wonder... what's the source??

Well, five minutes of digging revealed that the information comes from the Center for Consumer Freedom:
The CCF has drawn harsh criticism for having taken its startup funding from the Philip Morris tobacco company and for lobbying on behalf of the fast food, meat, and tobacco industries while representing consumers.

Some groups the CCF has targeted have questioned its ethics and legitimacy. The president of the American Federation of Teachers referred to the CCF's leader as "a shameless lobbyist who has shilled for pesticide, alcohol and tobacco companies." A USA Today journalist said that they should change the name of their website to FatForProfit.com. It has also been criticized for its efforts to portray groups such as the Humane Society of the United States as "violent" and "extreme," and for its opposition to banning the use of trans fats. The group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has also campaigned against the CCF's validity as a non-profit tax exempt charitable organization, filing an IRS complaint in 2004 attacking the CCF's claims that its advocacy campaigns were "educational" in nature.
That's from Wikipedia. Yeah, I know. But this was five minutes of digging. And the Wikipedia entry rings of truth, while the PETA claim continues to sound ridiculous.

The CCF claims to have received their information from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services. They post documents they claim are from 2007, revealing the deaths.

However, when I checked the records from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services (you can do it too, just visit their website-- no "freedom of information act request" needed), it tells a different story.

The CCF claims PETA received 1997 pets, and killed 1815 of them. However, according to the VDACS, PETA actually received 8362 animals... and euthanized 1815 of them. That's a pretty big discrepancy.

I wonder why that is...

Hmm...

Maybe it's because an organization that's sole mission is to discredit "liberal" organizations is lying? Nah, can't be.

Look, some PETA people are certifiable. But then make that argument. Say that they value animals over humans. Okay. But don't make up lies that they sport-kill Fidos. That's just not gonna help your cause.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

30 Awesome Inventions

Illuminated Tires

Life Magazine gets it totally wrong. They have a list of the 30 "Dumb Inventions," but to my mind, these are all awesome.

I mean, how pimp are these illuminated tires??

And a Clive Sinclair's Mini-TV idea? How is that dumb? Isn't it an ahead-of-its time iPod nano?

Life, you're dumb. All these ideas are the coolest things ever. Including the Yodel analyzer.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wait A Minute, What Did He Just Say???

Ernie Anastos of Fox 5 New York may have... er... misspoke...



Yes, you heard correctly. Look at his co-anchor's eyes pop.

Courtesy of NYMAG.

Horrified? Click here for the other video of the week. A bit more heartwarming.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Human Rights Watch Is Just A Bunch Of Nazis

I've complained before about the organization, "Human Rights Watch." I never signed up to receive their literature in my mail, but somehow, after donating to John Kerry (Boy, was that a mistake), I got put on their mailing list. The majority of the stuff they send me compares Israel to apartheid-era South Africa, accuses the Jewish state of slaughtering Palestinians, and then asks me for money.

There are legitimate reasons to criticize Israel, and a definite imbalance between the power held by Jews and the considerably less power held by Israeli Arabs. However, the extreme tactics of divestment and anti-Israel boycotts ignore the complex problems of the region and seem to place the blame squarely on the Israeli government and its people. Anyone with a high-school level understanding of the Middle East knows its not that simple. Let me put it this way: Israel doesn't strap bombs to its citizens' chests and send them into packed Palestinian discos. They also don't randomly launch rockets into civilian city centers.

Instead of urging both sides to reach a compromise solution, Human Rights Watch seems determined to demonize and bring down Israel, or at the very least, dissolve it as a Jewish state. Now I finally know why.

They're Nazis:
A leading human rights group has suspended its senior military analyst following revelations that he is an avid collector of Nazi memorabilia.

The group, Human Rights Watch, had initially thrown its full support behind the analyst, Marc Garlasco, when the news of his hobby came out last week. On Monday night, the group shifted course and suspended him with pay, “pending an investigation,” said Carroll Bogert, the group’s associate director.
What is there to investigate??

Let's pretend for a moment that Marc Garlasco isn't a Nazi fan, that he is simply a fashionista who admires the stitching on the Swastika patches. Somewhere along the line, that Nazi uniform Garlasco lovingly caresses at night was worn by a man who killed Jews. And somewhere along the line, it was sold. Where did that money go? Very likely, at some point it went to a Nazi or Nazi sympathizer. Marc Garlasco, representative of a group that claims to be against genocide, SUPPORTED PROPONENTS OF THE WORST GENOCIDE MANKIND HAS EVER KNOWN.

Does that really need an investigation?

How could Human Rights Watch even have "initially thrown its full support" behind Garlasco? When you hear somebody's harboring Nazi memorabilia, is your first instinct, He's a good guy? I would hope not. The idea that somebody gets his rocks off purchasing Nazi merchandise and displaying it proudly sickens normal human beings. Apparently, not those at Human Rights Watch.

The blog-led investigation can be read here. He's actually a lot kinder to Garlasco than I would be. There's no excuse to be a part of a community that celebrates Nazis. He was "fascinated?" The kid in "Apt Pupil" was "fascinated" with Nazis too.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Why Parents Shouldn't Be Allowed On Facebook

I don't know if this is real, but it's hilarious: Facebook Mom

Friday, September 04, 2009

Do No Harm

Excellent piece in the New York Times Magazine about the tragic and terrifying scenes that played out in a New Orleans hospital in the immediate wake of Hurricane Katrina. Harrowing.

I don't know what to think. All I know is it makes me angry. It seems to me that by euthanizing patients who had a chance at survival, however slim, goes against the Hippocratic oath, not to mention basic morality. The main doctor involved may insist she's not a murderer, but that just makes me more inclined to judge her harshly. What kind of person ends a life and displays no remorse for what they did, even if they believe it was necessary? What if it was your parent, brother, sister who was in that hospital bed? Would you still do it? What if it was you in that bed?

What makes it worse is that this woman is seeking to make doctors immune from prosecution for their actions during a disaster. If that bill were to pass, wouldn't it reduce incentive to save patients lives? They could just euthanize everybody and then get out of dodge. Does that seem right to you?

I'd take my chances with God rather than being the victim of some doctor who decided for me that I needed to die.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

A More Healthy Nation

Robbie Republican

By Robbie Republican, guest blogger

My fellow patriots. We find ourselves at a pivotal moment of American history. When good men are called upon to fight a menace to our society far greater than the war machines of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. I'm talking, of course, about the battle against Barack Hussein Obama's communist health care plan.

As you've probably heard, Obama's plan will euthanize anyone over the age of 65. American citizens will be forced to donate their organs to Mexican immigrants. In addition, small children will be taken from their mothers and raised in a secret Democratic party brainwashing camp, where they will be taught to marry members of the same sex and worship Al Gore.

Well, I for one won't stand for it. And I'm not alone. As Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) recently said about the health care bill, "This cannot pass... What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists..."

That's right. Slit our wrists. Because that's how badly we need to sink this health care bill. Sure, the few without health insurance will die because of undiagnosed hemophilia, and be forced to pay for their hospital stays in full, but it'll be worth it to prove to those fat cats in Washington just how committed we are to making sure no one gets free health care.

Because right now, as Bachman so eloquently puts it, Obama and the Democrats are "reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom." By giving Americans the option of signing up for free health care, they hope to abolish the legislative branch and install Obama as "Lord and Emperor Almighty, Eternal Leader of the Democratic States of Ameristan." It's a clumsy title, I know, but I didn't come up with it, the commies did.

Just imagine a world in which the Democrats' health care plan passes. The tortures Nazi Pelosi has dreamed up cause my skin to crawl (small children may want to leave the room).

Pelosi says that under Obama's bill, millions of uninsured Americans will suddenly become eligible for something she calls a "checkup." According to my research, it would go something like this: Unfortunate Americans would be required to divulge their entire life history on several forms. Then, they'd be held in a windowless room with nothing more than Readers' Digest magazines from 1998. Upon their name being called, they'd be forced to empty their bladder into a tiny plastic cup, which the torturers would collect for further study. They would then be transferred to a small room where they would be forced to disrobe and sit on a hard slab table covered in tissue paper.

Then the torture would really begin. Popsicle sticks shoved down their throats and bright lights inserted into their ear canals. Their knees will be beaten with rubber mallets, just for kicks. Then these pour souls will be probed with a cold metal torture device called a "Stethoscope," and be forced to cough on command. Finally, in an act of pure malice, their arms will be stabbed and their blood will be collected, presumably to feed the new "Vampire-Homo hybrids" Democrat scientists have invented. Fruits with fangs? That's where the rainbow of health care leads.

I know, I know. I'm shaking with fear too. But when something makes us afraid, we can't shrink back and let it win. We have to stand and fight. And if the other side has more supporters, and more evidence backing them up, well then we have to fight dirty. Even if it means lying about the thing we fear, so other people will begin to fear it too, and join us in our battle.

So spread the lies, true Americans. Say Obama's plan calls for hydrochloric acid to be included in school lunches. Tell your neighbor about Obama's plan to steal guide dogs from blind people. Send an email blast out to your coworkers about Pelosi's proposal to add a hammer and sickle to the American flag. Remember... once its on the internet, it's true.

It's what any good, honest, God-fearing American should do.

Until next time patriots, stay healthy, especially if you're uninsured. And God bless you.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Watch Bad Hockey, Get A Free Burrito

I did some searching for discount tickets on the NYU Ticket Central site, and came across this awesome deal for New York Islanders tickets:

Free Burrito

Free Burrito!

Yes, you heard right. Your prize for traveling to Long Island and standing in line wearing an Islander jersey is a free Chipotle Burrito.

Perhaps they're trying to co-opt Pittsburgh Penguins' coach Dan Bylsma's pregame tradition. Hey, it worked for the Penguins...

Stanley Cup Champions

Of course, doing the math, all you're really getting out of this deal is a $10 burrito.

Full Disclosure: I'm a Devils fan:

Marty & Me
That's Me Holding Up The Brodeur Jersey At His 552nd Win

Monday, August 24, 2009

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Season Shalosh: Final Stretch Update

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team

UPDATE: My Jewish Fantasy Baseball team has gotten some press. Appropriately, Jewish press.

We're heading into the final month of the fantasy baseball season next week, so I'd like to give an update on how this year's Davids of the Diamond have performed. The first year I made an all-Jewish fantasy baseball team, we won 3 games. The next year, we won 8. Will the 2009 Chosen Team improve upon that?

With four weeks to go, it's still possible. The Major League Jews are 6 - 14, good enough for 5th place in the six-team West division of MLB.com league 40701. I admit, I haven't followed as closely as in past years. The team actually started off 3 - 1, but nosedived quickly.. due to me leaving red-hot Jordan Schafer on the bench while Elijah Dukes put up weeks of zeros. Khalil Greene didn't help either. If only I had gone with Schafer/Schierholtz and Eckstein when I left the team on autopilot.

But a big victory last week, 160 - 137, ironically, over a team called "Mount Zion," keeps hope alive for a third straight year of improvement.

This season's biggest Jewish stars:

Ryan Braun: With a .313 average, 26 homers, 12 stolen bases and 89 RBIs, Brauny is punishing baseballs like Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds punishes nazis.

Ryan Zimmerman: He may not be Jewish, but he'd be welcome for any minyan with the way he's been hitting. A .301 average, 26 homers, and 85 RBIs shows that Hashem's written this guy in the book of life for a very good year.

Ian Kinsler: With 26 homeruns and 24 stolen bases, this mench is looking forward to a possible 30-30 season. Could a 40-40 season be in his future? There hasn't been one of those by a Jewish guy since Noah.

(yes, that was an attempted flood joke)

Kevin Youkilis: With a beard Morris Katz would no doubt enjoy painting, the Red Sox third baseman has been playing first for the Jew Crew, and contributing 22 homeruns to go along with a .307 average.

Brad Ausmus: He's tallied only 79 at bats this season as Russel Martin's backup, but from the way Martin has played (.258 4 HR), Ausmus should have been called up to the bemah more. Awesome Ausmus has been batting .304, with 1 HR on the year, and as the only Jewish catcher in the major leagues, that's not too shabby.

This week, the Kee-pa Kids take on the Chicago White Flames, who are 9 - 11 and led by vaguely Jewish-sounding Troy Tulowitzki. Be sure to wish them Mazel Tov.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hot Lesbian Sex

Mila and Natalie, In Love.

Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman Have Ecstacy-Induced Angry Sex In New Darren Aronofsky Film

I want to see Darren Aronofsky's new film because... er... I liked Pi so much.

Of course, knowing how the real world works, chances are Natalie and Mila's scene will be disappointing. Because, you know, its an R-rated film and not late night Skin-emax. But it's a pretty hot combo.

Let's take a look at the most hyped Hollywood hottie lesbian scenes:

1. Selma Blair & Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cruel Intentions

OMG! Buffy! Let's face it. Without this scene, there pretty much isn't any point to Cruel Intentions. Yeah, Ryan Phillipe made the girls swoon, but there was no way any self-respecting guy would watch this movie until he heard about "the kiss." And yeah, its hot and all (that little line of spittle that tells you this was no "stage" kiss), but it's really not worth sitting through all 97 minutes.



2. Denise Richards and Neve Campbell, Wild Things

Wild Things came out my freshman year in high school, though I wasn't able to see it until a year or so later, when it came out on cable. Before that moment, I heard again and again how the chick from Party of Five sluts it up in a threesome. When I finally saw it, I thought to myself... take off the damn shirt! Neve never does. And while Denise Richards is fine and all, it's like looking at a naked barbie doll. Except more plastic. And no one wants Matt Dillon to be a part of their hot-girl-on-girl action.

Wild Things

3. Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson, Vicky Christina Barcelona

Scarlett Johansson = Hot. Penelope Cruz = Hot. Sitting through a movie with no redeeming characters, an aimless plot, and an open-ended ending, when there's not even any Scar-jo - P-cruz nudity? Not hot. This is the extent of the much hyped "lesbian scene." At least the movie didn't include some lecherous old guy pursuing an underage girl... like every other Woody Allen film.



4. Bridget Moynahan and Heather Graham, Grey Matters

I have very few complaints about this scene, actually. Bridget Moynahan is beautiful even with her clothes on, and that drunken kiss goes on forever. Beggars can't be choosers.

But unless you're interested in a lesbian coming-out story that features Alan Cumming in drag and Molly Shannon not in character as Mary Catherine Gallagher, the rest of this movie will probably just leave you wondering: how in the hell could Tom Brady break up with Bridget Moynahan?? Come on! She's the mother of your child!!! I don't care if Gisele has the sexy accent. Dick.



5.Winona Ryder and Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow, Friends

Now this is what I call, Must See TV. Ah, sweeps season. Gotta love it.



Sure, there's plenty more where that came from. But keep these moments in mind when debating whether to see Aronofsky's new film. Just because there's two major hotties going at it, that doesn't guarantee it'll be worth the $11 ticket. In fact, if history shows anything, directors tend to take the rest of the film off after seeing something like this.

And Tom Brady, you suck.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Stop The Madness

This Poster Is Outrageous
Stop Comparing The First Black President To Hitler, Please

Nazi Health Care Plan: Unless you're white, blonde haired, blue eyed and Christian, you're sent to a death camp, where you'll be told to take a shower. The shower will actually be toxic gas. You will be killed.

Obama's Health Care Plan: If you have health insurance, good for you. If you don't have health insurance, you'll be covered by the government's health insurance plan, which is good enough for most of the world's developed countries.

Now, these health care plans don't seem too similar. One involves Zyklon B and Nazi soldiers forcing emaciated Jews to dig trenches for their own soon-to-be-shot bodies. The other makes sure that if you get sick, you can be treated at a hospital and not worry about medical bills forcing you into bankruptcy. One aims to clear Europe of 10 million people... the other aims to provide free health care to 50 million people currently too poor to afford annual checkups. We're not exactly comparing apples to apples here, or even apples to oranges. This is more like apples to ostriches.

Yet, Obama's health care plan has resulted in this reaction:

Woman yells "Zeig Heil!" at Obama Heath Care supporter:


And this...



And this...

Obama's Health Care Logo Looks Like Hitler's!
Courtesy of Glenn Beck

And this...
"This notion is fully in the spirit of the partisans of efficiency but came from a program instituted in Hitler's Germany called Aktion T-4. Under this program, elderly people with incurable diseases, young children who were critically disabled, and others who were deemed non-productive, were euthanized. This was the Nazi version of efficiency, a pitiless expulsion of the "unproductive" members of society in the most expeditious way possible."


And finally, this...

Man Carries Assault Rifle To Obama Event

Look, I realize "liberals" got carried away too, when Bush was in charge. I'm pretty sure more than a few Nazi references were thrown towards the Patriot Act and Guantanamo Bay. But in those cases, we were talking about the government creating secret "camps" where people of a certain religion were being sent without trial to be tortured, and surveillance of citizens' lives without a warrant. The Nazi comparisons, however overblown, were at least apt.

But comparing a program designed to save millions of lower income or unemployed Americans from a lifetime of traumatic health issues to a program designed to slaughter innocent people? Comparing government provided health insurance to genocide? Painting a Hitler mustache on a poster of Obama? Yelling Zeig Heil, the Nazi salute (while apparently wearing an Israeli Defense Forces T-Shirt)!?! Have these people gone nuts?!?!?!

There are no death panels. And even if you horribly misinterpreted the end of life counseling provision in the bill, guess what? It's been erased. This is simple, people. If you have health insurance, great, you're good. Sit back and relax. If you don't, now you do. And it may not be perfect (those breast implants will still cost you), but its a damn sight better than what you have now. Which is nothing.

And if you're one of those people who worries about the pennies being taken from your paycheck, consider this. Those pennies are nothing compared to the billions the government already spends on healthcare (and already taxes you for)... money they have to spend because uninsured people never go to the doctor, so their minor ailments become major ones, and then their care ends up costing ten times more than what it would have. Most of the world's been having free health care for years, and they haven't collapsed. The for-profit system benefits huge insurance companies... and if you want to see how, just watch John Grisham's The Rainmaker for crying out loud. I'm not expecting you to watch Michael Moore's Sicko. Frankly, that guy freaks me out too.

So save the Nazi talk for Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds. And start getting on board Obama's plan to save you money and save 50 million people.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Fiji Water Holds Fiji, Fijians Hostage

I'd Rather Have Poland Spring

The island nation of Fiji has a limited fresh water supply... and most of it is being sent abroad, where consumers buy bottles of it for $1.50 each. This puts the Fiji people in quite the Catch-22: They need the Fiji Water company to prop up their weak economy, but the Fiji Water company is hurting their country by dominating limited water resources. Mother Jones provides the interesting case study of what happens when a corporation defines a country.

Personally, I prefer water that comes from melted Antarctic icebergs. They ship the iceberg up here in a specially designed freezer, break off a chunk, and deliver it straight to my door, where a trained professional holds it over my head, melting it slowly using the hot breath of an emperor penguin until my thirst is sufficiently quenched. It costs $500 per ounce (plus a tip for the penguin's caretaker), but it's worth the extra cabbage to drink something that hasn't been in liquid form for millions of years. If it was good enough for the mastodons, its good enough for me.

I also use a Brita.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Seinfeld Is Back!!!

Seinfeld, Take Two

(Sorta)

According to the New York Post, the cast of Seinfeld will reunite on the HBO show "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which stars the Seinfeld creator, Larry David. The plot of this season of Curb will revolve around Larry's attempt to make a new Seinfeld episode.

The new "episode" may actually air in its entirety, as the season finale of Curb.

This makes me very, very happy. TV hasn't been the same since the four went to jail for refusing to help somebody. Of course, I'll never accept that episode as the actual finale. I prefer to think of this Saturday Night Live sketch as the actual Seinfeld ending:

Thursday, July 30, 2009

White House Keg Party To Serve Bud Light, Red Stripe, Blue Moon

Barack n' his Beer

By President Barack Obama, Guest Blogger

My fellow Americans. I am writing to you today to talk about an important issue in our country, one that too often goes ignored in our society. For too long, our United States have been divided. While Americans in generation after generation did their part to end these divisions, the recent events involving a police officer and African-American professor in Massachusetts have shown that we still have a way to go. My hope is that tomorrow, we can continue to blur the lines that divide us. My hope is that tomorrow, we will all have a chance to enjoy the taste of America freely, and without prejudice. My hope is that tomorrow, we can finally stop fighting about which kind is best: Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Bud Light, or Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade.

Professor Gates enjoys the Jamaican-brewed Red Stripe. Officer Crowley has expressed a preference for the Belgian-style white ale Blue Moon. Personally, I enjoy the simplicity and drinkability of a Bud Light. Mike's Hard Cranberry was Hillary's idea. But that is beside the point. Tomorrow afternoon I'm having a kegger at my place, and we're having beers from all corners of our nation and from throughout the world. Because we're in this together, and no matter what our tastes may be, we can all agree on one thing: Dick Cheney is terrible at beer pong, and I'll totally whip his butt.

The kegger will be held in the White House backyard, and food will be served. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, and Michelle's famous onion dip. Arrive early and stay late. You'll be required to go through security, but I've instructed the secret service to allow the entry of beer bongs, funnels, and those crazy looking beer helmets. Because as long as we get good and crunked, we won't care what beer we're drinking.

Beer pong sign ups start promptly at 6PM. House rules are one re-rack per game, and no bouncing. And absolutely, absolutely no blowing the ball out of the cup if you're a guy. I don't want to remind you again, Schumer.

In an effort to stop Biden from dominating the music again, we've hired the Black Eyed Peas. Gotta love that Boom Boom Pow.

It's been a tense two weeks for all involved in this controversial arrest drama, and we're all looking to unwind. So dress to impress and come on over. Cause this is one party on the hill that's definitely not just for old rich guys.

P.S. Don't tell GWB.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

This Just In: Barack Obama Is An American

Need proof that the news media is really just a conduit for the ravings of madmen? Look no further than the non-story that is the non-existent debate over whether or not President Barack Obama was born in this country. If he wasn't, of course, that would make him ineligible to be President, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sarah Palin.

The thing is though... Obama was born in Hawaii. Which, most schoolchildren ages 6 and up know is a state. This is a fact. It's been backed up by government records, a Honolulu Advertiser birth announcement on the day Obama came into this world, and Obama's family and friends. It's a fact like, "the ocean is wet," or "the New York Mets are a blooper reel that never ends." 2 + 2 = 4

Yet, strangely enough, all the major cable news networks have had segments this week giving voice to "Birthers," a group which believes Obama was born outside the country, possibly in some terrorist training camp (Fox, of course, being the worst offender). Make no mistake, these Birthers are racists. Many of them are the same people who believe the concentration camps were really health spas for Jews, and that our southern border should be turned into a river of hellfire from which no Mexican can ever escape. Their view on Obama's citizenship is indefensible: they can provide no proof that their insane ravings are the truth, only wild speculation and statements like "Sumthin' 'ere just don' feel right." The only proof they have is a ideological belief that Democrats are made of tiny communist nano-robots who will soon divide and swarm middle America, swallowing precious supplies of corn and wheat, leaving behind fields full of abortion doctors. There is no reason any of these crazies should ever be on TV. Except cable news ratings, apparently.

I've already urged a total media blackout of Sarah Palin... can we just quit entertaining racist conspiracy theories too? Honestly, Fox, we get that you're Republica...er... fair and balanced... but does that really mean you need to give every KKK member a microphone?

From MSNBC:
[Hawaii] Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said she hoped to end lingering rumors about Obama's birthplace.

"I ... have seen the original vital records maintained on file by the Hawaii State Department of Health verifying Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen," she said in a brief statement. "I have nothing further to add to this statement or my original statement issued in October 2008 over eight months ago."
Ok, good, got it?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Smarter Than The Average Bear

Yogi

In the High Peaks region of the northeastern Adirondacks, somebody's been stealing picnic baskets:
“She’s quite talented,” said Jamie Hogan, owner of BearVault [a bear-proof container manufacturer], based in San Diego. “I’m an engineer, and if one genius bear can do it, sooner or later there might be two genius bears.

Actually, there's already a second:

Boo Boo
Sources Say His Name Is Boo Boo

The New York Times couldn't reach Ranger Smith for comment, apparently.

Ranger Smith

Friday, July 24, 2009

Unbreakable

Creating a super password--easy to remember and much more secure than your mother's maiden name-- is a piece of cake. Just read this article on Slate.

Basically, Farhad Manjoo suggests coming up with an easy to remember phrase, like "My Mother Says To Pick The Very Best One And You Are I T It," and then making it into an acronym: MMSTPTVB1&YAITI. No one's going to guess that.

Why haven't I thought of this before? I'm going to stop using my cat's name immediately. Thanks Manjoo, you're the man.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Slate Magazine Completely Copies Me

I wrote a blog entry about Esquire Magazine's slimy attempts to attract readers to its website by advertising nude photos (even when such nude photos didn't exist on its site.) Now weeks later, Slate Magazine writes the same article. Coincidence?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

New York Times Spends Way Too Much Time Writing About Naked Five-Year-Olds

When Do They Need A Fig Leaf?

I'm not quite sure how naked kids running around became news that the Times just had to cover. All the news that's fit to print??

Monday, July 13, 2009

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Why Is The Media Still Reporting On Sarah Palin?

Since losing the 2008 election, Republican vice presidential nominee and (former) governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has been featured in Vanity Fair, her husband was profiled in Esquire, her daughter has been on the cover of People, and her former son-in-law-to-be was in GQ (also with her naked grandson). She's been on TV seemingly more times than President Barack Obama. Despite not accomplishing one thing in her entire political career, despite not even being a member of the government any longer, Sarah Palin is still very much in the spotlight.

Why?

The question becomes more baffling when you consider the contempt Sarah Palin has for the media establishment. Just check out these quotes:
“This is to provide notice to ... the Huffington Post, MSNBC, The New York Times and The Washington Post, that the Palins will not allow them to propagate defamatory material without answering to this in a court of law" -Palin's lawyer, in a letter to media organizations.

"It's a sad state of affairs in the world of the media today, mainstream media especially, if they're going to rely on anonymous bloggers for their hard news information. Very scary. Reporters, especially, not taking one extra step to get to the facts and report the facts, but instead continuing to spread things that are not true. Is it political? Is it sexism? What is it that drives someone to believe the worst and perpetuate the worst?" - Palin in an ABC interview

"The response in the main stream media has been most predictable, ironic, and as always, detached from the lives of ordinary Americans." -Palin on the reaction to her resignation speech
Okay Sarah, we get it. You hate the media. So... stop using them to spread your message. Whatever it is. Apparently, your only message these days is "I hate the media."

Or better yet... why doesn't the media just simply stop reporting on Sarah Palin? She doesn't like the media? Fine. The media will leave her alone. They won't report on her or her family anymore. Her press conferences will go unattended. Her photo-ops will go un-photographed. Palin thinks the media is a bunch of liars? Okay, so they won't say anything at all.

I'm sure Palin will love that.

The truth is, Palin loves the media. The media made her into whatever she is today. If it wasn't for the media, Palin would still be someone no one in the lower 48 states ever heard of.

No, rather, Palin can't stand criticism. She can't stand any bad words against her, even if they're true. It's something that Republicans seem to have in common. If you never criticize them, and accept every word they say as gospel, you're a patriot. But point out the sky is blue, and not orange like they claim, and suddenly you're worse than Osama Bin Laden.

Palin needs the media to survive. But if she keeps biting the hand that feeds her, how long until they tire of her and turn the other way?

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Did Michael Jackson Molest Anybody?

Michael Jackson's kids
Jackson's Kids

The recent outpouring of grief and support for pop star Michael Jackson in the wake of his death has caught some people by surprise. Isn't this someone who most people dismissed as "Wacko Jacko," a child-molesting weirdo who endangered and warped his own strangely conceived kids? Someone whom, admittedly paid a sum of money to a boy in 1993 to settle molestation charges? Someone whom media pundits like Nancy Grace and Shepard Smith called a "Teflon monster" and "not guilty by reason of celebrity" when he was acquitted of kidnapping and molesting a child in 2005?

That's what I thought. Sure, I dance to "Billy Jean" like everyone else, but I wouldn't invite Michael Jackson to babysit.

But watching clips from the memorial service at the Staples Center, I have to say, I started to wonder. Just how real were those allegations? Part of what made me wonder was watching 11-year-old Paris Jackson, the pop star's daughter, give an emotional, raw, and very real statement about her father's death. This wasn't some f-ed up kid... this was someone who seemed very much like a normal 11-year-old who'd just lost a loving father. In fact, in her brief appearance, she displayed a maturity and dignity well beyond her years. Seeing her, and the rest of Michael Jackson's brood for the first time, it was suddenly a lot more difficult to demonize the singer. Suddenly, calling him "Wacko Jacko" seemed wrong. Just because the New York Post says it, does it mean it's true?

Another thing that caused my opinion of Michael to waver is simply watching the media. Its impossible to turn on the television and not think that these news guys are completely loony. The 24-hour blanket coverage, the over-analysis of everything from the cars Jackson's family rode in to interviewing the journalists who made their careers exploiting Jackson's weirdness... it was all too familiar. The media decides on a storyline and runs with it... even if their story doesn't fit all the facts. They've spent a week deifying a man they once demonized. They've reduced the molestation charges to a footnote, whereas before, they defined Jackson as a pedophile. If the media is capable of turning on and off the demon switch at will, then how are we supposed to know where the truth lies??

I mean, read this. Some guy analyzing all of Jackson's public statements about the molestation in 1993. Is his analysis fair? The guy says over and over that the words "I am innocent" aren't the same as "I didn't do it." Really? Are we taking Jackson to task because he didn't use the right vocabulary?

O.J. Simpson drove away in his Ford Bronco... that made people pretty sure he was guilty. Michael Jackson paid a settlement to one accuser... that made people pretty sure he was guilty. But of the hundreds who slept over at the Neverland ranch, only three ever said anything happened. None ever testified against Michael. In the 2005 case, jurors agreed there wasn't enough evidence to convict, and the mother of the boy had successfully extorted money from a department store a few years earlier. Back in 1993, one boy told police he'd only testify is someone else did. The boy whom Jackson settled with (conflicting reports say it was his lawyers, not Jackson, who made the settlement) accused his own father of abuse:
NY Daily News - The accuser, now 26, says his ex-dentist dad Evan Chandler "struck him on the head from behind with ... (dumbbell) weight ... sprayed his eyes with Mace or pepper spray, and tried to choke him" last year, according to court documents filed in New Jersey.
The father even sued Jackson to fund an album called "EVANstory." Seriously.

So the accusations aren't that strong. You'd expect that somewhere in the outpouring of Jackson support, if there were victims of the man, they'd come forward. Why allow the deification of a man if you know him to be a monster?? It's surprising that none has come forward, even anonymously, to "tell the truth."

We don't know what happened in Michael Jackson's bedroom. But I know what I saw yesterday. And it was three kids who look really really upset to have lost their dad. By the accounts of those who actually knew Michael, and haven't just relied on FOX News and Nancy Grace, he was a doting father and someone who never would have harmed a child.

Did the media kill Michael Jackson before they deified him? It's within the realm of possibility.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Palin's Bailin'

Sarah Palin Calls It Quits

After a busy 4th of July weekend, I'm back to comment on some recent news. No, not Michael Jackson. Nor the beloved Billy Mays (whom I met in person 2 weeks before he died). But rather, Sarah Palin. I had feared that somehow, with all the endless media attention, Republicans would actually take her seriously, and the mockery of the American electoral process that began when John McCain tapped her as his Vice Presidential nominee would continue.

Luckily, Sarah Palin did a great job of torpedoing her future and freeing up the Republicans to find someone actually qualified for the highest offices in the land. Although, they don't have a lot of choices.

According to Sarah Palin, she couldn't sit back and let the media tell everyone how unqualified she was to govern. So, to show everyone that she can govern, she quit being governor.

"It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down [and] plod along," Palin said. "That's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."

Yes, Sarah. Doing your job is the "quitters way out." What do winners do? According to Sarah, they quit.

Now, I'm sure somewhere in Sarah Palin's comely MILFy skull, this logic makes sense. And maybe somewhere in America, there's a person drunk on moonshine and high on crystal meth who thinks, "Gee, that Sarah sure proved to me that she's presidential material." But in the rest of America, the America where people are struggling to find a job that pays $125,000 dollars a year (like Sarah's did), and can't afford to quit in order to prove they're not quitters, that sort of logic doesn't fly. And so ends the tale of Sarah Palin, public servant, and so begins the story of Sarah Palin, joke.

Of course, Sarah became a joke during the 2008 campaign. This merely adds punchlines. "Sarah took 'quit while you're ahead' a bit too literally."

The most insane thing is Sarah's primary reason for quitting. The media. Apparently, their criticism was too much to ignore from the statehouse in Alaska. And this woman wants to be President!?!?! The most powerful person in the world!?!?!?! The person who wants to become the most powerful person in the world QUITS when people say bad things about her!?!?!?!?!?!

Can you imagine....
November, 2012

PALIN: My fellow Americans. Since you elected me as your President two weeks ago, the media attacks on me and my family have been unending. Just this morning, I read an editorial in the New York Times saying that I should have been tougher on Kim Jong Il after he bombed Pearl Harbor, and my plan to distribute guns to schoolchildren was "deeply flawed." These elite media critics also say that my husband is unqualified to be appointed Secretary of Defense, and that my daughter Bristol is in over her head as my chosen Secretary of State. I can no longer keep my head down and ignore these vicious, baseless attacks. Therefore, I am resigning the Presidency of the United States, effective immediately. I'd like to wish good luck to your new President, my former vice president Bubbles the Chimp.

PRESS: Mr. Bubbles, care to comment?

BUBBLES: (sticks out tongue) Pbffft...

PRESS: Adorable.
I'd like to thank Sarah for stepping so gracefully aside. If only more terribly unqualified leaders would quit their posts and let somebody else give it a try.

How about it, New York State senators?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Who Knew So Much Went Into Olive Garden?

When You're Here, You're Family.

Read this article on Fast Company today: Why America Is Addicted To Olive Garden. Now, I don't own a major company, but if I did, I could certainly learn a few lessons from the people behind endless salad and breadsticks. The company, Darden, also owns Red Lobster.

Some fascinating tidbits:

The President of Olive Garden started out there as a line cook:
David Pickens, 53, the president of Olive Garden, knows firsthand how grueling -- and how fulfilling -- restaurant work can be. At 17, he started as a line cook at a Red Lobster in Nashville. The pace was relentless, the pay wasn't great, and he never saw the people he cooked for. It was just a job. Then he became a waiter, interacting with customers, shaping their dining experience, and getting rewarded for it. He set his sights on becoming a restaurant manager, got the job at 21, and never looked back, opening and overseeing restaurants for Red Lobster, Olive Garden, and the short-lived China Coast.

"I went from Nashville to Memphis to St. Louis to Evansville, Indiana, back to Nashville and Memphis and then to Little Rock to Houston to Philadelphia to New York and finally here to Orlando," says Pickens. "Got all that?"
Olive Garden sends its staff to Italy:
Eleven times a year, the company sends 14 top employees, many of whom have never set foot in Italy, to spend a week in an 11th-century village in Tuscany and learn from Sergio and Daniela Zingarelli, a husband and wife who operate a restaurant, winery, and inn. The couple and other local experts expose the Americans to everything from how olive oil gets pressed to how to layer flavors in a Bolognese sauce. The Olive Garden employees buy fresh vegetables at a market in Florence and prepare a multicourse Italian meal.
Red Lobster goes the extra mile:
"Is there Red Lobster without lobster?" is not an existential question for this company. The North American lobster harvest fluctuates every year, but demand continues to grow. So two years ago, Darden began sponsoring an experiment to boost the population. Scientists working with the government of New Brunswick, in Canada, catch pregnant lobsters and care for their offspring until they're mature enough to burrow into the ocean's sandy bottom, then release the tiny animals into the wild. Then Darden waits and hopes -- for six years or more. So far, says Bill Herzig, Darden's senior vice president of supply-chain innovation, "it looks like good science."
Yes, Red Lobster actually raises baby lobsters, then releases them into the wild, and years later, captures them to put on your plate. That's commitment.

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Brief Rant About Tattoos

So I've been seeing this story for the past week or so: An 18-year-old girl went into a tattoo parlor in Belgium and requested some tattoos of stars on her face. The tattoo artist obliged. But there's just one tiny issue: The girl said she requested 3 stars. The artist claims... well:

That's The Whole Milky Way Right There
56 Stars, One For Each Braincell

The girl claimed to have fallen asleep... the only explanation for how she could have possibly allowed the tattooing if she didn't want it. The artist says the girl was pleased as punch... until her daddy found out. Then she was all like, "Daddy, it's the tattoo artist's fault!"

It seemed like the classic "he said, she said." So other than glance at the photo above, I didn't really delve into the story. Until today, when I saw the picture of the tattoo artist:

Yowsers
Hi, I'm Your Blind Date

Now I know the girl was totally lying. If you go to this guy for a face tattoo, you're staying awake. In fact, if you go to this guy for a tattoo at all, you're not just getting some dainty unicorn tattooed on your shoulder. You go to a guy who looks like this, you're looking for something a bit more on the extreme side.

I never got the whole tattoo thing. A girl I once knew had a hummingbird tattooed perilously close to a delicate place of her anatomy. It was gross... it looked like the bird was fluttering around a feeder, waiting to take a slurp. Then there's that whole "tramp stamp" thing. Why get a tattoo in a place that will immediately make everybody think you like to take it doggystyle? Is that something you want to advertise around the office?

I'm all for a tattoo that means something (one friend I had in college got his late father's initials tattooed over his heart). And for all I know, this chick could have had 56 good reasons to get those stars. But if you're just getting a tattoo because it "looks good" or "it's cool," you might as well just put on clown makeup and a big bright red nose, because chances are what you think is totally awesome today will later seem to everyone else like a joke.

Here's what I propose. Tattoo parlors should require a 24-hour waiting period before they proceed with a tattoo. This would probably eliminate the 20% or so who stumble in drunk and get My Little Pony on their thigh. It'll probably get rid of the other 30% who habitually make spontaneous decisions and regret them moments later.

My Little Pony
Actually, I'm Sort Of Into This. Do They Ink Tex?

But until Congress passes my bill, the Defense of Skin Act, just follow this advice. If you're going to let a guy who looks like the above tattoo your face, make sure you're wide awake the whole damn time.


P.S. I don't even want to imagine what this guy goes through every time he sneezes.

[UPDATE: Well, it didn't take long for the truth to come out: Starface admits to lying.]

Friday, June 19, 2009

Search Engines Sweep Nation

First, there was Yahoo!. Then there was Altavista, Lycos, Ask. Finally, there was Google. How many search engines did the world really need?

Well, this month, there's been an eruption of new, "improved," "super-cool," search engines. First, Microsoft announced their latest attempt to beat Google into a bloody pulp and wrap the corpse in a rug: Bing.com. While I don't think anyone will be saying, "I just 'binged' my blind date... I've got to cancel," the site has some very cool features. Chief among them? Their video search, in which you can see full length thumbnail sized versions of every video that comes up in your search results. This is fantastic for watching stuff during work.

But we'd expect a Google-killer attempt from Microsoft. Others, by smaller companies, show that while Google may be a household name, there's plenty of room for other search websites in the marketplace:

Taptu Dancing: One of the biggest complaints about the iPhone is that its web browser doesn’t support Flash animation, which is used on many web pages. And on any cell phone, it can be difficult to find a mobile version of the page you want. Taptu is a downloadable search app that filters out pages featuring Flash and optimizes the search results for viewing on an iPhone or any other mobile device. You can see how it works at taptu.com.

I Have A Hunch: Created by the people who brought you Flickr, Hunch.com is billed as a “decision-making engine.” The website asks you a series of questions designed to gauge your personality, wants and needs (for example, “Do you like bumper cars?”) Then you type in what you’re looking for, such as “Where to go on vacation?” and the site offers results that match what it has learned about you from your answers. The site is designed to adapt as more users ask and answer questions, to improve the accuracy of the results.

Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolfram Alpha: Search for your name on any major search site, and you’ll find a lot of personal websites, news stories, PDF files of your alumni newsletter. But on Wolframalpha.com, a search for your name brings up the number of people in the U.S. that have your name, what years it was most popular in, and how old, on average, people with your name are. Wolfram Alpha provides numerical facts and figures on many topics, though at this stage, there are still some gaps in its knowledge. All it told me about Jessica Alba was that she was born on April 28, 1981 in Pomona, California. Not even a picture? Come on, Wolfram.

Albatastic
That's More Like It. Thanks Bing!

Pass The Koogle, Bubbe- Announced this week, Koogle is a search engine designed for Orthodox Jews, who aren’t allowed to view “immodest” images and other un-kosher search results that may pop up (the name is a play on Google and that popular Jewish dish, kugel). While there are clearly some bugs to work out (some searches result in a 404 Not Found page), its creators hope the site enables the Orthodox community to use the web without fear of compromising their values and beliefs. For instance, I typed in "Jessica Alba," and the website nearly exploded.

Yes, I know she has a baby now and the body can't possibly still be that hot. But let's appreciate the way it was, okay?

Of course, the best search engine is the one at the top of this page, where you can search for things I've written on this blog. It looks like this:

Search

Type in a word, and you'll find out what I think about it. If nothing comes up, then that means whatever you're searching for is terribly, terribly unimportant.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tomato Tomato



This is just sooo funny. I never watched the hills... but this kind of stuff makes me wish I had. Kinda.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Who Says The American Auto Industry Is Dead?

Factories have shuttered in Detroit, Obama runs GM, and foreign companies are picking up the corpses of Chrysler and others, but the American car industry is far from dead. In fact, there's one domestic car that's outsold both the Toyota Camry and Honda Accord this year:

Cozy Coupe
The Cozy Couple

It makes sense. What it lacks in power (the coupe only comes with a 2-shoepower engine and manual transmission), it makes up for in style and affordability. For $49.99, you get a car with the most headroom in its class, and, in this year's anniversary edition, a wicked cool set of cartoon-y eyes. Why spend a year's pay on foreign car when you can get this economical, domestically-produced gem that's guaranteed to attract the ladies?

The Cozy Coupe was developed by Jim Mariol, a former Chrysler designer. Hmm... I wonder why Chrysler went under?? Maybe... just maybe they shouldn't have let Jimmy go.

Just look at all these satisfied customers:

Smiling Boy Satisfied? You bet! Farfetnugen I'm a princess!

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Save (A Piece Of) Yankee Stadium

Yankee Stadium Gate 2

Read on Yahoo! about this project to help preserve a tiny piece of the old Yankee Stadium. I think it's a great idea.

Why completely erase the old stadium from memory? Retaining the one gate from this hallowed ballpark would honor it without ruining the city's plan for park space.

Check it out.

Please, city of New York, don't pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Ch.. Ch.. Ch.. Changes

You may notice the blog had a bit of a facelift today. Hopefully it'll be easier to read and easier to navigate. Don't worry, it's still a proud member of the Ad-free internet, though I've added a link to the page on Amazon where you can buy this blog to put on your portable Kindle device. So you know, you can read this brilliant stuff anywhere.

I've also added three check boxes to the bottom of every post, so you can immediately rate each article with a "Haha!" a "Wow!" or an "Aww...", depending on how the story made you feel.

Happy Reading!
Something's Fishy About PETA

PETA believes fish are our friends (they also believe that humans should eat only artificially derived vitamins and water, and anyone eating any kind of meat is as bad as the Unabomber). So, to get people to stop eating fish, PETA is trying to rename our finned pals to something people wouldn't find appetizing. While I maintain that "Poopy Stinkfins" would do the trick, Peta came up with, admittedly, a cuter moniker:

"Sea Kittens."

Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

Above is the "Sea Kitten" I made on Peta's site. His name is Martin Mahi, and he likes to go to bar mitzvahs, where he shows off his rad dance moves and astonishing limbo skills. He also likes long swims at the beach, moonlight plankton dinners, and watching Sex and the City re-runs.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Esquire Web Site Seeks Perverts

I'm all for search engine optimization, but titling a web page this way feels a bit dishonest:

Esquire Advertises Nude Photos, Doesn't Deliver
Look closely at the top...

Esquire Lies!
No Nude Righetti Spaghetti Pics Here

It feels cheap, like a trick a softcore porn site would try to pull off. You go to click on "Nude Photos of Connie Chung" and there's one photo of Connie Chung fully dressed in a suit, surrounded by ads for "Extenz."

Not that I've ever done anything like that online...

Are magazines really getting that desperate that they're resorting to Porn website tactics to draw pageviews?? What's next? CNN titling their web pages "Hillary Clinton Bikini Pics"?

Ugh.
When Life Throws You A Curveball

The Curveball

Found this on Deadspin today. Awesome optical illusion, that explains why a curveball doesn't really curve, but looks that way to a hitter.

An interesting part of this illusion is the fact that if you focus on the opposite side (not the side with the blue dot), then the ball looks straight. I wonder if the key to hitting a big league curveball is simply focusing your eyes away from the ball, staring at the space opposite the curveball's spin. I'll have to try it next time I'm in the major leagues.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Everything You Never Wanted To Know

Yahoo Answers

I check out Yahoo! Answers sometimes when I'm bored... and I've definitely seen some questions like this. Stupid people? Or just jokesters? Either way, these are pretty damn funny.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Are We There Yet Article, Reprise

Are We In The Future Yet?

My "Why Hasn't The Future Happened Yet" article is up on MSN, again, with some updates. Check it out.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Best Movie Ever



I think the title says it all.

Thanks to my friend Ross, who posted this on Facebook.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Yankees Reserve Seats For Either Messiah's or Anti-Christ's Arrival

Meggido

After weeks of fans, bloggers, and the media speculating why the Yankees don't drop ticket prices for their laughably inaccessible "Legends Seats" behind home plate and along the basepaths (look at that medieval moat!), Adam's Life has uncovered the real reason why the team seemingly doesn't want anyone to sit there.

"This place is a cathedral," an anonymous source told us. "And those seats are reserved for whichever army ends up winning the battle between good and evil."

Privately, the source stated that he personally hopes the "good" side wins, and occupies the extra-cushy, prime view seating. But he emphasized the official Yankee position is neutral.

"If the anti-christ wins, we don't want to offend him. He and his minions will certainly have a right to those seats and the privilege of free access to the Legends Club food service," the source said.

Suspicions were raised after New York University seniors were denied access to the seats for their graduation ceremonies.

"Of course it didn't make sense if we were only reserving those seats for big spenders. There wasn't a game that day," the source said. "But we're anticipating the end of days any minute now, and we need to make sure those seats are untarnished by mere mortals."

Initially, Yankees owner and Order of the Sixth Stone member George Steinbrenner was reluctant to put any price on the seats, but was finally convinced that anybody spending that kind of money had to be a god, angel, or demon. "It was a way to earn a few bucks and meet a few of the holy warriors deciding mankind's fate," the source said.

Yankee fans must be patient, the source urged.

"We know how it looks, with all those empty seats," he said. "But once the apocalypse arrives, all of the supernatural forces, weary from battle, will pour in through those turnstiles and make this a full stadium again. Unless of course, its a weekday series versus the Mariners."

Phil Loadofbull, a biblical scholar, says he became concerned about the Yankees franchise dabbling in armageddonology when he learned the outfield turf of the new stadium was not Kentucky bluegrass but rather sod taken directly from Meggido, prophetical site of the final war between God and the Devil.

"I thought it strange at the time but didn't really voice my concerns until I saw what they did to Monument Park," said Loadafbull. The once holy ground of the Yankees was hidden behind a wall and buried beneath a casino-sponsored den of opulence. "I wouldn't be surprised if the Yankees host the final battle themselves. It'll be one hell of a ballgame. And think of how much they'll make on concessions alone. Incidentally, I'm a big fan of their garlic fries."

The source insists there are no plans for Yankee stadium to be the final battleground, only the site of the post-war celebration. "Of course," he said, "if they wanted to battle here, I'm sure we could find a corporate sponsor."

Angels vs. Demons

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Malcolm Gladwell Won't Shut Up About The Full-Court Press

And to my mind, he shouldn't. He's right.

Gladwell's part of a discussion on ESPN.com today in which he expounds more about the inflexibility of pro teams to adopt unorthodox strategies to win.

It's not just basketball. Last football season, sports commentators went crazy when the Miami Dolphins started using a "Wildcat" offense-- using the quarterback position as more than just a passer or a guy that hands the ball off. The Dolphins strategy paid off-- a team that finished last in the AFC East the previous year suddenly won the division... despite fielding a quarterback that was outright dropped by his former team.

It was impressive enough a display that EA Sports is even including a "Wildcat" playbook in its Madden X game coming out this year.

Of course, while some NFL teams began instituting their own "Wildcat"-style plays (if only as "trick" change-of-pace plays), there was still evidence that the powers that be are reluctant to celebrate innovation: the two-quarterback, 11-receiver A-11 offense was banned by the National Federation of State High School Associations.



I asked blog readers to chime in on their winning sports strategies that are puzzlingly not-used by the pros. No one really offered any. So here's mine:

Golf: Happy Gilmore Tee-offs


There's nothing in golf's rules that say you can't tee off like this:



But, as the New York Times reported yesterday, driving like that can actually increase a drive's distance by quite a lot.
It turned out that Harrington generated about 7 miles per hour more club head speed with his driver doing it Happy’s way, and he increased his usual drive of 296 yards by about 30 yards.
A long video of how it works, here.

Sure, messing up would earn a lot of laughs. But with enough practice, you're telling me that a skilled golfer can't pull this off? If it means turning a Par 4 into a Par 3, then why wouldn't you at least try??

Football: The No-Huddle

Peyton Does It

The Colts do it. The Patriots do it. They don't huddle before the play, they just launch into the next one. The result? The opposing defense can't get the right personnel in. They get tired. They get confused.

Now, there are times you want to control the clock. Keep your defense off the field for some rest. But why not use the no-huddle more as a surprise? First down, you use a huddle. Second down, you huddle. But then on third and short, you fake walking back to the huddle, but quickly turn around and hike the ball. Chances are, you'll catch the defense sleeping.

Why don't teams do this all the time???

Ice Hockey: Stop Fighting


Sean Avery's A Douche

I never played ice hockey. But I do watch it. And one thing that consistently baffles me is fighting. Don't get me wrong: I love it. Goalie fights especially. But it seems like fighting is a losing strategy.

In today's NHL, starting a fight carries a 2:00 penalty on top of a 5:00 penalty for fighting. That means, at the very least, the team that starts the fight will be a man down for two minutes.

Yet, teams stockpile "enforcers," guys who do little more than skate and punch. They claim its to defend their stars from dirty play. But isn't that what the refs are for? And in what backwards bizarro world does purposely putting your team at the wrong end of a power play get revenge for a cheap shot on your star player?

Most sports tell players to avoid penalties. Hockey is the one sport that signs players who intentionally cause them.

Baseball: Using Your "Closer" Whenever

More Mo

Mariano Rivera is the greatest closer of the last decade. His career ERA is 2.30. He's compiled 488 saves. When he's on the mound, hitters rarely do damage. Yet, the most innings he's ever pitched in one season was 107.2, back in 1996. His ERA that year? 2.09. Oh, and by the way, the Yankees won the World Series that year.

My point? If Mariano is so good, why not put him in when the game is on the line... which isn't always the ninth inning.

On May 6th, Mariano did pitch the ninth... in a tie game against the Tampa Bay Rays. But then the Yankees manager, Joe Girardi, took Mo out in the tenth. Phil Coke promptly let up the game-deciding home run. Why couldn't Mo pitch two innings? Shouldn't a major league reliever be able to pitch more than one inning?

The day before, May 5th, Mariano didn't even get in the game. Although maybe he should have. Against the Red Sox, down 4-3 in the top of the eighth inning, the Yankees still had the game within reach. Then the Red Sox got Jason Bay on base due to an error. Bay stole second. He moved to third on a ground out. To score a run, all the Sox had to do was hit one marginally deep to the outfield. The Yankees walked J.D. Drew to set up a possible double play.

But they stayed with reliever Albaladejo. They didn't go to Rivera, their best pitcher, even though he would only have to get two more outs than he usually would.

Albaladejo gave up the sacrifice fly. And then a single. 6-3 Boston.

Why not put your best reliever in when you need him? Especially in the eigth, when he'd only be pitching 2 more outs than normal. Is that 2/3 of an inning really going to destroy Mariano's arm?

No. Closers should get a new name. I like Stoppers. They stop the bleeding.

Any other winning sports strategies that teams don't use? Drop me a comment.

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