Monday, July 06, 2009

Palin's Bailin'

Sarah Palin Calls It Quits

After a busy 4th of July weekend, I'm back to comment on some recent news. No, not Michael Jackson. Nor the beloved Billy Mays (whom I met in person 2 weeks before he died). But rather, Sarah Palin. I had feared that somehow, with all the endless media attention, Republicans would actually take her seriously, and the mockery of the American electoral process that began when John McCain tapped her as his Vice Presidential nominee would continue.

Luckily, Sarah Palin did a great job of torpedoing her future and freeing up the Republicans to find someone actually qualified for the highest offices in the land. Although, they don't have a lot of choices.

According to Sarah Palin, she couldn't sit back and let the media tell everyone how unqualified she was to govern. So, to show everyone that she can govern, she quit being governor.

"It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down [and] plod along," Palin said. "That's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."

Yes, Sarah. Doing your job is the "quitters way out." What do winners do? According to Sarah, they quit.

Now, I'm sure somewhere in Sarah Palin's comely MILFy skull, this logic makes sense. And maybe somewhere in America, there's a person drunk on moonshine and high on crystal meth who thinks, "Gee, that Sarah sure proved to me that she's presidential material." But in the rest of America, the America where people are struggling to find a job that pays $125,000 dollars a year (like Sarah's did), and can't afford to quit in order to prove they're not quitters, that sort of logic doesn't fly. And so ends the tale of Sarah Palin, public servant, and so begins the story of Sarah Palin, joke.

Of course, Sarah became a joke during the 2008 campaign. This merely adds punchlines. "Sarah took 'quit while you're ahead' a bit too literally."

The most insane thing is Sarah's primary reason for quitting. The media. Apparently, their criticism was too much to ignore from the statehouse in Alaska. And this woman wants to be President!?!?! The most powerful person in the world!?!?!?! The person who wants to become the most powerful person in the world QUITS when people say bad things about her!?!?!?!?!?!

Can you imagine....
November, 2012

PALIN: My fellow Americans. Since you elected me as your President two weeks ago, the media attacks on me and my family have been unending. Just this morning, I read an editorial in the New York Times saying that I should have been tougher on Kim Jong Il after he bombed Pearl Harbor, and my plan to distribute guns to schoolchildren was "deeply flawed." These elite media critics also say that my husband is unqualified to be appointed Secretary of Defense, and that my daughter Bristol is in over her head as my chosen Secretary of State. I can no longer keep my head down and ignore these vicious, baseless attacks. Therefore, I am resigning the Presidency of the United States, effective immediately. I'd like to wish good luck to your new President, my former vice president Bubbles the Chimp.

PRESS: Mr. Bubbles, care to comment?

BUBBLES: (sticks out tongue) Pbffft...

PRESS: Adorable.
I'd like to thank Sarah for stepping so gracefully aside. If only more terribly unqualified leaders would quit their posts and let somebody else give it a try.

How about it, New York State senators?

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