God I Love My Gun



By Robbie Republican

I had a nightmare last night.

Gays were getting married. Hillary Clinton was President. They were selling RU-486 at the candy store. People were running naked in the streets, burning American flags and worshipping Osama Bin Laden. Keith Olbermann had overtaken Bill O'Reilly in the ratings.

But worst of all, I couldn't shoot any of them. My gun was gone. My precious, precious gun. Confiscated by the People's Army.

I woke up in a cold sweat and immediately reached under my pillow. My heart calmed down when I realized Robbie Jr. was still safe and sound, and fully loaded. Just a terrible dream.

After Virginia Tech, Columbine, Nickel Mines, Jonesboro, Simon's Rock, and all those other school shootings, the liberal elite bathed in the blood of the victims and besmirched their memory by using these tragedies to argue that guns should be banned. I, for one, am not going to stand by and let these pinkos use the violent deaths of schoolchildren to further their socialist agenda. Instead, I'm going to honor those brave students who gave their lives. By using this tragedy to argue for more guns, better guns, bigger guns.

I just came back from the Fairfax County Gun Raffle, just a hop, skip and a jump away from Virginia Tech. It was a blast. Nothing says a good time like a room full of guys packing heat. I have to tell you, I was a bit disappointed I didn't win the 45-caliber Para Ordnance PX745E semiautomatic handgun. It would have made a nice bed buddy for my Beretta.

But of course, those damn Virginia Tech parents had to bring down the mood with their little protest. All that crying. "My dead son" this and "My dead daughter" that. Come on guys, we're trying to have a gun party here. Save the sobbing for the cemetery you homos.

I wish those parents would look at the situation with a clear head, like those folks in South Carolina. If everyone on the Virginia Tech campus was allowed to carry a gun, then the massacre would have never happened. Cho Chun Chi would have started shooting and somebody would have popped a cap in his ass. But nooooo. The teachers are too scared that if you allow guns on campus, some kid is going to go crazy and start shooting up the school. What are the chances of that???

If everyone in America was armed, this country would be a much safer place. Just look at the idyllic community of Wake Island. Everyone there owns a gun, and there's been no crime there since we kicked the Japs out and made it into a military base.

So lets start arming babies with guns. And giving guns away for free with Happy Meals. And the guns should have spreadfire capabilities, in order to take down several school shooters at once. You can never be too careful.

The second amendment is clear. Our forefathers gave us the right to bear arms-- every man, woman, child and orangutan. And I won't rest until that right becomes a requirement. Because I love America, and I love it too much to let it become my worst nightmare: France. Good luck defending your freedom with a baguette, hippie.

Thanks for listening. As always, I'm Robbie Republican. American Patriot.

"One more thing the British just couldn't get right…"


Don't Get Between Jay And His Giants Tickets

by Jay Klein

I had set my cell phone alarm for 4:50AM. The beer and pretzels were right near my laptop (where I had already practiced logging on to the ticketmaster website the night before). I was ready for anything…or so I thought. As tickets went on sale at 10am in Britain, I was set to log on at 5AM from my hotel room, coincidentally in Miami, the NY Giants opponent for the first ever regular season NFL game outside of the States.

The moment had come. Ticketmaster and nfllondon.com had been preparing for this ticket sale for months, so I thought it would go smoothly. As I logged in with my assigned password, the first roadblock was clearly printed on the website: due to "technical difficulties," the online sale would begin an hour late. Luckily, it was 5AM and time was probably my least concern.

The technical issues were fixed and the online sale began. After sitting in a queue for about another hour they had finally offered me tickets. My friend and I had the brilliant idea of buying 6 tickets. We could keep two of them and make a nice profit on the other four. Maybe this could take care of our ticket costs, a few pints, maybe even our cover at the Ministry of Sound…

I typed in my email address and my credit card information and only one column remained - shipping. If anyone could fill out the shipping information, it was me. When I was younger I dreamed about being a UPS man some day. It's not a coincidence that my favorite color was brown. My brother's wife's brother even works for Fed Ex. Ok, you get the point…But something was wrong. One question remained. Ship to: UK or Ireland. Hmm, fish and chips or Guiness? The Pound or the Euro? Then, it hit me. Maybe I should ship the tickets to the USA, as I don't live in the UK nor Ireland. But of course, that wasn't an option. I scrambled back and forth. Oh, Bloody Hell! Did I have any friends over in London? Could I mail it to my company's office in London and then try to track it down? I couldn’t figure out a solution. As time ticked away, I saw my tickets go from the lower tier 20 yard line, then to the corner of the end zone, then slowly move into the upper tier. Would I even get a seat in the stadium?

Finally, at about 7:45am, almost three hours after signing on the website to get tickets, the website offered a will-call option. Of course! Will-Call what a brilliant idea. Only if they British had though of that about three hours earlier!!

Then I realized that the British probably had thought about this weeks earlier, but probably just didn't care. Maybe they wanted revenge on Americans trying to buy tickets for a game in their homeland. Maybe they had put up with us long enough (refer to 93% of American History). Maybe Giants v. Dolphins is a chance for the British to stick it to the proverbial man (US Man that is) and what better way to start than to screw them out of tickets. You think it’s a coincidence that the two teams they picked to play in this game are probably the two most pathetic teams in the league. The NFL has been built on strength and power. Yet, they choose a team with a dolphin as their mascot and another team with Eli Manning as their quarterback. I'm not trying to create any issues that aren't there, but do you really think a team like the Patriots from Boston (refer to Tea Party) or technically from NEW england, would ever be chosen to play in this game?

At the end of the day, I got my tickets and I'm certainly gonna enjoy a game played at one of the most famous stadiums on Earth, Wembley. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be drinking any of that English tea while I'm over there…

NFL Screws Its Fans



The NFL's first international regular season football game has already hit a huge snag, pissing off football fans in the United States and abroad.

Nearly 600,000 football fans from around the world applied online for the opportunity to buy tickets to the New York Giants-Miami Dolphins game at Wembley Stadium in London (capacity 90,000). Through a lottery system, a small percentage were lucky enough to receive a password to use on Ticketmaster. Thousands woke up early this morning as tickets went on sale at 11:00 AM British Standard Time (6 am NY time). My friend Jay and I included.

That's when everyone realized the NFL screwed up big time.

At 11:00 AM, tickets were only made available to residents of the UK. Without a UK mailing address, you couldn't buy a ticket. Jay called everyone he knew to see if anybody had relatives in the UK. We even emailed people we met on our Peru trip.

We weren't the only ones panicking. Within minutes of the sale time, complaints began pouring in to the NFLUK.com website.

"The biggest Farce is, that only persons from the UK, Ireland and Northern Ireland were able to buy tickets. Why didn't they say so from the beginning? Why did they send codes to all other countries? It's unbelievable!!!"

"I am so mad for this, they never told us. It is a game for Europe, not for UK only... god damn it. I waited for this for so long, even called work that I was going to be late because of the 1 hour delay and now this, I AM SO MAD."

"This sucks bigtime. Was i blind or was it obvious that this release was for UK residents only? Thats 2 hours spent of my life i'll never get back. Plus the heart rate isn't down yet."

"Hope this will be the last game played in the UK!!! It's unbelievable they shut out other fans!!!"

International shipping options and a will call option weren't added to the Ticketmaster site until nearly two hours later. By that time, the best seats were already gone-- and many people had already given up.

"Credit to the Brits for screwing the rest of the world out of buying tickets for the first 2 hours. International my butt. Nice play limiting the shipping options to local residents only."

Initially, tickets were supposed to go on sale at 10 am British time, but unspecified technical difficulties delayed the sale by an hour. When the tickets finally did go on sale, shocked fans discovered they couldn't order them unless they lived in Great Britain, Ireland or Scotland.

Germany was added as an option an hour and a half later. A will call option and other countries followed.

Jay and I got tickets for the game, eventually, but they weren't the 50 yard line seats we got when Jay logged in at 6 am. They were section 549 in the upper tier.

Kudos to the NFL for spreading its brand to England, but it owes its American fans, and others, a big apology.

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PLUS: International Regular-Season Games Are Stupid Anyway
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And Now, A Moment Of Unbridled Joy

ESPN Sports Guy Bill Simmons linked to this YouTube video from his article today:



This gave me a lift today. How awesome (and scared) do you think this kid's parents' felt? Making someone that happy... damn that's a good feeling. We all need to let ourselves show a bit of unrestrained happiness once in a while.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Update: Week 2

The Major League Jews suffered their first loss of the season, unable to overcome the Jose Reyes and Magglio Ordonez-led "Statistics" team (what's with that name? Must be coached by a math teacher.) But the chosen team did boast some fine performances: Lance Berkman went 8 for 25 with 3 homeruns, 8 R, 6 RBI and 6 walks, and David Newhan hit his first homer of the year for the Mets. Unfortunately, former Jewish-All-American David Eckstein remains mired in a slump.

Berkman was impressive, but he usually is. This week's Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week Award goes to a fine young boychik who stepped up to make this week's contest close. This week, we honor Boston's Kevin Youkilis, who went 11 for 21 with 4 doubles, a homer, 4 runs, 6 RBI, and 2 walks.