By Robbie Republican
I had a nightmare last night.
Gays were getting married. Hillary Clinton was President. They were selling RU-486 at the candy store. People were running naked in the streets, burning American flags and worshipping Osama Bin Laden. Keith Olbermann had overtaken Bill O'Reilly in the ratings.
But worst of all, I couldn't shoot any of them. My gun was gone. My precious, precious gun. Confiscated by the People's Army.
I woke up in a cold sweat and immediately reached under my pillow. My heart calmed down when I realized Robbie Jr. was still safe and sound, and fully loaded. Just a terrible dream.
After Virginia Tech, Columbine, Nickel Mines, Jonesboro, Simon's Rock, and all those other school shootings, the liberal elite bathed in the blood of the victims and besmirched their memory by using these tragedies to argue that guns should be banned. I, for one, am not going to stand by and let these pinkos use the violent deaths of schoolchildren to further their socialist agenda. Instead, I'm going to honor those brave students who gave their lives. By using this tragedy to argue for more guns, better guns, bigger guns.
I just came back from the Fairfax County Gun Raffle, just a hop, skip and a jump away from Virginia Tech. It was a blast. Nothing says a good time like a room full of guys packing heat. I have to tell you, I was a bit disappointed I didn't win the 45-caliber Para Ordnance PX745E semiautomatic handgun. It would have made a nice bed buddy for my Beretta.
But of course, those damn Virginia Tech parents had to bring down the mood with their little protest. All that crying. "My dead son" this and "My dead daughter" that. Come on guys, we're trying to have a gun party here. Save the sobbing for the cemetery you homos.
I wish those parents would look at the situation with a clear head, like those folks in South Carolina. If everyone on the Virginia Tech campus was allowed to carry a gun, then the massacre would have never happened. Cho Chun Chi would have started shooting and somebody would have popped a cap in his ass. But nooooo. The teachers are too scared that if you allow guns on campus, some kid is going to go crazy and start shooting up the school. What are the chances of that???
If everyone in America was armed, this country would be a much safer place. Just look at the idyllic community of Wake Island. Everyone there owns a gun, and there's been no crime there since we kicked the Japs out and made it into a military base.
So lets start arming babies with guns. And giving guns away for free with Happy Meals. And the guns should have spreadfire capabilities, in order to take down several school shooters at once. You can never be too careful.
The second amendment is clear. Our forefathers gave us the right to bear arms-- every man, woman, child and orangutan. And I won't rest until that right becomes a requirement. Because I love America, and I love it too much to let it become my worst nightmare: France. Good luck defending your freedom with a baguette, hippie.
Thanks for listening. As always, I'm Robbie Republican. American Patriot.