Friday, July 31, 2009

Seinfeld Is Back!!!

Seinfeld, Take Two


According to the New York Post, the cast of Seinfeld will reunite on the HBO show "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which stars the Seinfeld creator, Larry David. The plot of this season of Curb will revolve around Larry's attempt to make a new Seinfeld episode.

The new "episode" may actually air in its entirety, as the season finale of Curb.

This makes me very, very happy. TV hasn't been the same since the four went to jail for refusing to help somebody. Of course, I'll never accept that episode as the actual finale. I prefer to think of this Saturday Night Live sketch as the actual Seinfeld ending:

Thursday, July 30, 2009

White House Keg Party To Serve Bud Light, Red Stripe, Blue Moon

Barack n' his Beer

By President Barack Obama, Guest Blogger

My fellow Americans. I am writing to you today to talk about an important issue in our country, one that too often goes ignored in our society. For too long, our United States have been divided. While Americans in generation after generation did their part to end these divisions, the recent events involving a police officer and African-American professor in Massachusetts have shown that we still have a way to go. My hope is that tomorrow, we can continue to blur the lines that divide us. My hope is that tomorrow, we will all have a chance to enjoy the taste of America freely, and without prejudice. My hope is that tomorrow, we can finally stop fighting about which kind is best: Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Bud Light, or Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade.

Professor Gates enjoys the Jamaican-brewed Red Stripe. Officer Crowley has expressed a preference for the Belgian-style white ale Blue Moon. Personally, I enjoy the simplicity and drinkability of a Bud Light. Mike's Hard Cranberry was Hillary's idea. But that is beside the point. Tomorrow afternoon I'm having a kegger at my place, and we're having beers from all corners of our nation and from throughout the world. Because we're in this together, and no matter what our tastes may be, we can all agree on one thing: Dick Cheney is terrible at beer pong, and I'll totally whip his butt.

The kegger will be held in the White House backyard, and food will be served. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, and Michelle's famous onion dip. Arrive early and stay late. You'll be required to go through security, but I've instructed the secret service to allow the entry of beer bongs, funnels, and those crazy looking beer helmets. Because as long as we get good and crunked, we won't care what beer we're drinking.

Beer pong sign ups start promptly at 6PM. House rules are one re-rack per game, and no bouncing. And absolutely, absolutely no blowing the ball out of the cup if you're a guy. I don't want to remind you again, Schumer.

In an effort to stop Biden from dominating the music again, we've hired the Black Eyed Peas. Gotta love that Boom Boom Pow.

It's been a tense two weeks for all involved in this controversial arrest drama, and we're all looking to unwind. So dress to impress and come on over. Cause this is one party on the hill that's definitely not just for old rich guys.

P.S. Don't tell GWB.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

This Just In: Barack Obama Is An American

Need proof that the news media is really just a conduit for the ravings of madmen? Look no further than the non-story that is the non-existent debate over whether or not President Barack Obama was born in this country. If he wasn't, of course, that would make him ineligible to be President, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sarah Palin.

The thing is though... Obama was born in Hawaii. Which, most schoolchildren ages 6 and up know is a state. This is a fact. It's been backed up by government records, a Honolulu Advertiser birth announcement on the day Obama came into this world, and Obama's family and friends. It's a fact like, "the ocean is wet," or "the New York Mets are a blooper reel that never ends." 2 + 2 = 4

Yet, strangely enough, all the major cable news networks have had segments this week giving voice to "Birthers," a group which believes Obama was born outside the country, possibly in some terrorist training camp (Fox, of course, being the worst offender). Make no mistake, these Birthers are racists. Many of them are the same people who believe the concentration camps were really health spas for Jews, and that our southern border should be turned into a river of hellfire from which no Mexican can ever escape. Their view on Obama's citizenship is indefensible: they can provide no proof that their insane ravings are the truth, only wild speculation and statements like "Sumthin' 'ere just don' feel right." The only proof they have is a ideological belief that Democrats are made of tiny communist nano-robots who will soon divide and swarm middle America, swallowing precious supplies of corn and wheat, leaving behind fields full of abortion doctors. There is no reason any of these crazies should ever be on TV. Except cable news ratings, apparently.

I've already urged a total media blackout of Sarah Palin... can we just quit entertaining racist conspiracy theories too? Honestly, Fox, we get that you're fair and balanced... but does that really mean you need to give every KKK member a microphone?

[Hawaii] Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said she hoped to end lingering rumors about Obama's birthplace.

"I ... have seen the original vital records maintained on file by the Hawaii State Department of Health verifying Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen," she said in a brief statement. "I have nothing further to add to this statement or my original statement issued in October 2008 over eight months ago."
Ok, good, got it?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Smarter Than The Average Bear


In the High Peaks region of the northeastern Adirondacks, somebody's been stealing picnic baskets:
“She’s quite talented,” said Jamie Hogan, owner of BearVault [a bear-proof container manufacturer], based in San Diego. “I’m an engineer, and if one genius bear can do it, sooner or later there might be two genius bears.

Actually, there's already a second:

Boo Boo
Sources Say His Name Is Boo Boo

The New York Times couldn't reach Ranger Smith for comment, apparently.

Ranger Smith

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