Thursday, October 04, 2012
By Robbie Republican
My fellow Americans, are you feeling as good as I feel today? I woke up this morning, and the sun was shining, the air was fresh and crisp, and the birds sung their sweet songs. I took my hunting rifle and shot a sparrow to feed Reagan, my pet wolf. He loves the taste of a fresh kill. As do I. And nothing tasted sweeter than the lifeblood of the Democrats, slowly seeping from their Muslim leader, Barack Hussein Obama, as he stumbled off the debate stage last night.
Ooh boy what a massacre. Did you see Obama sweating? I haven't seen a President go down like that since Carter bent the knee to the Soviets. At least Carter was born in America. My favorite part of the evening? Taking shots of Kentucky Bourbon every time Obama said "uh." You'd think that would leave me with quite a hangover. But us Republicans can handle our liquor. No Chappaquiddicks for us.
I have to hand it to Romney. I told everyone that he was going to win this election, even back when everyone I knew was busy pretending to give Herman Cain a chance. But I never thought he'd be able to go head to head like that against a man who can read a teleprompter as well as Obama does. It was Obama's wedding anniversary, which shows how much the demoncrats care about marriage. If I was still married, I'd tell Jim Lehrer to find a real job and I'd stay home to eat the anniversary dinner my wife cooked for me. But I guess if Obama can't fit Netanyahu into his busy schedule, he's not too concerned about making time for the First Lady.
Of course, predictably, the lame-stream media is already trying to make excuses and rewrite history. They say Obama was flustered because Romney was inventing things on stage. They say that nothing Romney said during the debate resembled the platform he's been running on for the past few months.
Well, duh, of course it didn't!
The Commies and the Hippies just don't get it. They were too busy murdering babies and smoking weed in college to ever attend a debate. If they did, they'd know the object of a debate isn't to advance one policy or another. The goal of a debate is to WIN!
And to win a debate, sometimes you have to argue a side you don't believe in, because the evidence is more persuasive. Romney knew that telling those independent voters tax cuts for the rich would help the economy was something that just wouldn't win them over. So he, as the blacks say, "flipped the script!" He argued against cutting taxes for the rich. Later, he argued he was actually in favor of the health plan Massachusetts adopted while he was governor, the model for Obamacare. Heck, he defended Medicaid. Medicaid!!!
The tactic was brilliant. Nothing Obama could have said would have turned the tide. Was Obama supposed to argue against what Romney was saying? He couldn't! It was mostly Obama's own policies! Was he supposed to try to sound like he had a better plan? He couldn't! The plans Romney touted were Obama's plans all along!
Faced with Romney's debating mastery, Obama crumbled. By the end of the evening, he looked ready to climb back into the dark terrorist cave he was born in. Happy anniversary indeed.
Don't worry 53-percenters. Romney's on our side. He's not really going to replace Obamacare with Romneycare. He's not really going to keep taxes high for us job producers. All that was just for the win.
Expect more of the same in the upcoming debates. When Romney says he's pro-choice, get ready to see Obama explode like a suicide bomber.
I know, I know. Too far. But come November, we won't need to worry about offending him, or Muslims rioting in Libya. Because our country will be safely back in the hands of those who were in charge before the world fell apart. The Republicans who managed things so brilliantly before ACORN, Jon Stewart and that whore Katie Couric stole the Presidency for the socialists.
Remember, my fellow patriots. Get out there and vote. And be sure to tell your Democratic friends about the new voting regulations that require them to cast their ballots in a cylindrical bin in the corner of the room. They'll be too busy sticking their noses in the air to see the sign labelled, "Trash."
Every vote counts.
As always, I'm Robbie Republican. God bless you, God bless Romney, and God bless 53% of the United States of America.