This Just In: Barack Obama Is An American

Need proof that the news media is really just a conduit for the ravings of madmen? Look no further than the non-story that is the non-existent debate over whether or not President Barack Obama was born in this country. If he wasn't, of course, that would make him ineligible to be President, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sarah Palin.

The thing is though... Obama was born in Hawaii. Which, most schoolchildren ages 6 and up know is a state. This is a fact. It's been backed up by government records, a Honolulu Advertiser birth announcement on the day Obama came into this world, and Obama's family and friends. It's a fact like, "the ocean is wet," or "the New York Mets are a blooper reel that never ends." 2 + 2 = 4

Yet, strangely enough, all the major cable news networks have had segments this week giving voice to "Birthers," a group which believes Obama was born outside the country, possibly in some terrorist training camp (Fox, of course, being the worst offender). Make no mistake, these Birthers are racists. Many of them are the same people who believe the concentration camps were really health spas for Jews, and that our southern border should be turned into a river of hellfire from which no Mexican can ever escape. Their view on Obama's citizenship is indefensible: they can provide no proof that their insane ravings are the truth, only wild speculation and statements like "Sumthin' 'ere just don' feel right." The only proof they have is a ideological belief that Democrats are made of tiny communist nano-robots who will soon divide and swarm middle America, swallowing precious supplies of corn and wheat, leaving behind fields full of abortion doctors. There is no reason any of these crazies should ever be on TV. Except cable news ratings, apparently.

I've already urged a total media blackout of Sarah Palin... can we just quit entertaining racist conspiracy theories too? Honestly, Fox, we get that you're Republica...er... fair and balanced... but does that really mean you need to give every KKK member a microphone?

From MSNBC:

[Hawaii] Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said she hoped to end lingering rumors about Obama's birthplace.

"I ... have seen the original vital records maintained on file by the Hawaii State Department of Health verifying Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen," she said in a brief statement. "I have nothing further to add to this statement or my original statement issued in October 2008 over eight months ago."

Ok, good, got it?