Friday, June 29, 2007

Movie Countdown

A friend of mine sent this to me.

Some people have way too much time on their hands.
Troubled Relationship? Just Do It

"Almost everyone we spoke to said 'My God, that sounds difficult.' But we wanted to see what would happen to us and we made it and are happy we did so." --Doug Brown
Doug and Annie Brown were in a rut. They had been married for 15 years, had two kids, but now their marriage was on the rocks. There was only one solution.

100 days of sex.

"It wasn't always easy after a long day, especially when I got really sick halfway through," Doug says.

When the sex marathon was over, the couple was closer than ever.

"It was a great idea and some days were really fun," Doug said.

Some days? Hmm. That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement there, Dougie.

The Browns are writing a book about their experiences. But some people are not so impressed with the Brown's sexcapades.

"Big deal. I'm 45 and been in a relationship living with a girl half my age for five years now and we have sex every morning and every night, and quite often during the day as well," said one commenter who read the ABC News story about the Browns. "I'm not talking about quickies either."

"As long as it's not with the same girl for the 100 days then sign me up," another commenter added.

Personally, I think 100 days of sex would be great. But why stop at 100? Why not go all 365? Or 366 if it's a leap year?

I think I've got the topic of my next book.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Miracle Diet Pill

This review of a recently FDA-approved diet drug made me laugh so hard I almost had an accident. And if I had taken the drug, I probably would have.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Virgin Shark Sign Of Impending Rapture


Veterinarians at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center may have accidentally killed the son of G-d.

Tidbit, a blacktip reef shark, lived in a tank of only female blacktip reef sharks. Even so, after Tidbit was accidentally killed by an overdose of sedatives, the vets found a baby shark in her uterus.

Vets doubt that Tidbit could have been impregnated by sharks of other species that were also in the tank. That only leaves one logical explanation-- a virgin birth.

"Hey, if Mary could give birth to Jesus without ever knowing a man, then certainly a shark can do the same thing," said James R. Fakebody, Professor of Religion and Marine Biology at University of Virginia. "The bible never says the second coming won't be in shark form."

The Veterinarians were devastated.

"If this baby shark was immaculately conceived, we better hope God is merciful," said Dr. Susan Believenot. "Otherwise, his vengence will be as swift as it was on the Romans. By which I mean, our empire will crumble nearly 500 years later."

Evangelicals around the world mourned "Jesushark," as the group has named him.

"Jesushark died because of science," said Rev. Rod I. Calchristian, head of the Christian group Hurry Up Already, which devotes its resources to hastening the rapture.

"If those scientists hadn't bothered the Virgin Tidbit, then Jesushark would be alive, and bring doom and death to the wicked. Of course, those liberal shark killers couldn't stand for that."

Inspired by Tidbit, Calchristian has developed a plan to make his group's vision come alive.

"We've purchased Tidbit's shark tank and we're going to put all our females in there together," Calchristian says. "Surely one of them will immaculately conceive."

Dr. Believenot thinks the group is wasting their time.

"I told them to take the sharks out first, but they wouldn't hear of it."

Calchristian says that doesn't matter. "We're all God's creatures," he says. His organization is researching Tidbit's family history to see if she is related to the biblical King David.

"I think it's a pretty good chance," he says.
Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Weeks 7 & 8

Jewish Fantasy Baseball
Casey Kotchman and Geoff Blum Join The Lineup

It's been a rough two weeks for Team Tefillin. Week 7 saw JINO (Jew In Name Only) David Eckstein go on the disabled list, and Kevin Mench, filling the outfield temporarily after Elijah Dukes was let go, went 0-4. Twins fan "Bren-skees" won 212 points to... 72. However, Brad "Awesome" Ausmus gave Jewish fantasy baseball fans everywhere something to smile about, batting .526 with a double, homerun, four runs and six RBIs. Someone's been eatin' his matzoh ball soup.

Last week, recent squad convert Casey Kotchman was supposed to make his debut... but ended up out with a concussion when he was hit in the helmet by a pickoff throw from Dodgers catcher Russell Martin. While Ian Kinsler (42 points), Ryan Braun (38), and Lance Berkman (29) got the job done, they couldn't overcome the loss of Kotchman and a pedestrian performance by Eckstein backup Geoff Blum (jew? mayyyybe). The MLJs lost a squeaker to "San Diego 619," 240 to 192.5.

The Chosen team may be mired in a losing streak, but us Jews are no strangers to adversity. This is a team that just needs to find its Moses to lead it into the promised land. Coincidentally... Moises Alou is coming off the disabled list soon...

Adam's Life Slugin Semite Of The Week Award:

Week 7: Brad Ausmus

Ausmus and the ladies
Ausmus Knows, The Ladies Love A Mensch

Week 8: Ian Kinsler

Kinsler: 8 for 22, 2 2B, 3 HR, 11 R, 6 RBI, 6 BB Last Week

Sorry bout my prolonged absence. But they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so by my calculations, you love this blog a zillion times more now.

I've been busy getting work done for my vacation next week. Going down to North Carolina with the fam on Sunday. Should be a terrific time.

But you don't care about me. You care about the latest entertaining blog entry. I hope not to dissappoint. Stay tuned

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