Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls Of Ire

Baseballs Of Fury

Yes, I'm very proud of myself for coming up with today's blog title.

Barry Bonds' record tying and record-breaking homerun balls are now in the hands of collectors. But rather than keep the baseballs locked up next to their mint-condition Superman #1 comic books and Honus Wagner baseball cards, both ball owners are letting the public decide their fate.

Graffiti artist and fashion designer Marc Ecko put three options for his record-breaking ball up to a vote: 1) Give the ball to the Hall of Fame, as is. 2) Tag the ball with an asterisk, then send it to the Hall of Fame. 3) Strap it to a rocket and send it into outer space.

Yes... strap it to a rocket and send it into outer space.

[UPDATE] Barry Bonds' response? "He's stupid. He's an idiot. He spent $750,000 on the ball and that's what he's doing with it? What he's doing is stupid."

Ecko is undeterred. He offered to make Bonds a custom T-shirt that says, "Marc Ecko paid $752,467 for my ball, and all I got was this 'stupid' T-shirt."
California entrepreneur Ben Padnos also has a website putting the fate of Bonds' record-tying ball into the hands of the public. His is more simple: Save It? Or Smash It?

Why all this democracy? I say divide the ball into equal pieces and distribute it evenly among the populace. Am I right comrades?

But seriously, if you read my piece on Bonds and his record, then you should know how I feel about this. Put the damn ball in the Hall Of Fame. Then, with great fanfare, move it into the storage closet once someone deserving of that hallowed record finally achieves it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Dirty Old Men, Killer Space Virus, Taser Crazer

Michael Douglas And Catherine Zeta
Doin' It For The Species?

Ever been creeped out by old men dating or married to much, much younger women? Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Woody Allen and Soon Yi? Well, you shouldn't be creeped out. You should be thanking them. After all, according to this LiveScience article, they're responsible for increasing the human lifespan.

Yes, according to a scientific study, if Hugh Hefner has kids with one of the three twenty year olds he's dating, those kids will outlive you and me. And if those kids decide to have three girlfriends at age 80, then their kids will live even longer. And so on. Eventually, it won't be weird for People magazine to feature a story on a 150-year-old Jack Nicholson dating 20-year-old Abagail Breslin. But it still will be weird for them to marry their adopted daughters. Shame on you Woody.

Of course, we may not make it to that point, not with the KILLER SPACE DISEASE that will wipe us out.

Andromeda Strain
Andromeda Strain... Hand Me An Aspirin, Please!

In southern Peru, villagers are falling ill after a meteorite crashed down in their town. I'm skeptical however. From my personal experience in Peru, I suspect something else may be causing their illness:

Carne Corazon
That's Right... Carne Corazon. Mystery Solved

Finally, at the University of Florida, former presidential hopeful and flip-flop manufacturer John Kerry came to answer questions. But only if they were the right questions, apparently. Ask the wrong ones and well... watch the video:

CNN has a clearer version here.

Yes. Apparently, being an annoying question asker is a crime (it's in the Patriot Act). And if you ask what you've done wrong, the police will NOT answer you-- they'll taser you. Because the police don't know what you've done wrong. They only know the police department gave them a taser three months ago, and they haven't been able to use it yet. That's like getting a new videogame and not being allowed to play it. The opportunity was there... even if was completely unnecessary.

[UPDATE!] Upon learning more about the circumstances surrounding the events seen in the video, I have less sympathy for the kid. However, I still think using a taser in this situation was a bit unneccessary.]

That said... you have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to question John Kerry and you ramble on and on? Shows the quality of students at UF.

Also entertaining... the only people that seem concerned are John Kerry and the ten people video-phoning the whole incident. Maybe dramatic taserings are like alligators. In Florida, they're pretty common.

Anyways, hopefully tasers will work against the alien-virus-possessed Peruvians. Cause if I'm going to date an 18 year old and live to be 150, I don't want to be sharing my future with a bunch of damn dirty zombies.

The Omega Man
What Would Charlton Heston Do?

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