Friday, April 29, 2005

Worst Episode Ever

"I don't want to cut into some of these TV shows that are getting ready to air - for the sake of the economy." -George W. Bush, last night, during what should have been The OC on Fox.

Thanks alot Bush. You couldn't hold this press conference on a Monday night? Or a Tuesday even? How about Wednesday? Or Friday?

No, you had to hold it Thursday. In Prime Time. During The OC.

I turned on Fox looking for Sandy Cohen, and instead found Social Security. I was expecting Marissa and Summer, I got Energy Prices and Iraq.

Thanks alot Bush. Be sure to preempt the Family Guy premiere on Sunday too.

Heartless bastard.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Smoke Em If You Got Em

"Every dime that finds its way into Cuba first finds its way into Fidel Castro's blood-thirsty hands.... American consumers will get their fine cigars and their cheap sugar, but at the cost of our national honor."

-Tom DeLay

DeLay Smokin A Cuban
Delay, seen here smoking a Cuban cigar.
Men In Tights

From CNN:
In a senate hearing on Capital hill yesterday, Rumsfeld discussed a prototype version of fortified leggings the Army wants to use. At $9,400 a pair, they use air conditioning technology and weigh 38 pounds, according to one lawmaker, who asked whether they could protect a soldier from roadside bombs.

Rumsfeld did not address the cost or the effectiveness of the prototype, saying instead that the idea is to avoid having "vehicles operating without appropriate armor in areas outside of protected compounds."
I don't get it. We can't spend the money to upgrade armor on soldiers' humvees, but we can spend it on ridiculously heavy, amazingly expensive pantyhose?

Plus, the lawmaker asked if the leggings could protect a soldier from roadside bombs... and Rumsfeld dodged the question.

So are we to assume these leggings are ineffective?

Why doesn't Rummy want to protect our troops?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Nazis Alive And Well In Alabama Republican lawmaker wants books "burned" from school libraries.

Apparently, those wiley gays and their "brainwashing literature," such as "A Streetcar Named Desire" and "The Importance of Being Earnest" are converting America's children from bible-loving heterosexuals (who wait until marriage) into flaming cornholing nymphomaniacs.

According to... this guy:

Gerald Allen

(Notice how politicians always hold their hands like that when speaking? Are they preparing to catch a falling baby?)

Finally a lawmaker who realizes that the greatest threat to America isn't some gun-toting, bomb making middle-eastern terrorist; it's carnation-wearing authors like Oscar Wilde.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Bush Marries Arabian Lover In Secret Ceremony

Bush Marries Arabian Prince Abdullah, and we've got the pictures to prove it!!


CRAWFORD, TX-- After months of beating around the bush, President George W. Bush and long time middle-eastern lover Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, tied the knot in a simple ceremony held on Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch.

In a field adorned with Texas Bluebonnets, Mr. Bush, dressed casually in a navy suit jacket and gray slacks and Mr. Abdullah, in traditional Arab marriage attire, held hands as they walked up the aisle. High profile witnesses included Vice President Dick Cheney, on hand as Best Man, and Condelezza Rice as Maid of Honor, along with several foreign dignitaries.

Two Lovers

National Security Council spokesman Ted Jones told the Chicago Sun-Times that the impromtu marriage symbolized the bond of "friendship, respect and trust" that Mr. Bush and Mr. Abdullah have established over the years. James Zigby, of the Arab American Institute explained to the Sun-Times, "The president and Crown Prince Abdullah were also sending a real political message that they are partners and intend to remain that way. To the Saudi people, the message was that their leader has the respect and support of the American president. And the fact that President Bush confidently took the crown prince's hand and held it all the way down the aisle said to Americans, 'This is my lover and I am going to walk with him.'"

Two lovers again!

The odd couple raised eyebrows when seen holding hands at two previous political and economic summits. The kisses they exchanged, often on both cheeks, grew more intense and passionate in recent weeks, fueling speculation that marriage was inevitable.

"They'll never have what me and Kevie-bubblekins have," Britney Spears, former pop-icon, current trailer trash said, in a statement posted on her website. "But the President's like, awesome, so, good for him."

No word yet on how Mr. Bush's evangelical base will respond to the news, although analysts predict continuing support.

"Who else are those proles gonna vote for? Hillary?" said an source close to the President.

Some have suggested Mr. Bush is only marrying the Crown Prince to win Saudi support for lower oil prices.

"Typical cynical liberal bulls**t," says the source. "This isn't about politics. This is about love."

Love in A Field
(real story here: The Scoop)
Finally Some Security!

I've been saying it for years, and at long last, someone's taken my advice. We're finally taking the threat of penguins to civil aviation seriously.

Penguins Get Screened

Penguin Bin Ladens Thwarted At Airport

Also, See: Those Damn Penguin Teenagers

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