Virgin Shark Sign Of Impending Rapture
Veterinarians at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center may have accidentally killed the son of G-d.
Tidbit, a blacktip reef shark, lived in a tank of only female blacktip reef sharks. Even so, after Tidbit was accidentally killed by an overdose of sedatives, the vets found a baby shark in her uterus.
Vets doubt that Tidbit could have been impregnated by sharks of other species that were also in the tank. That only leaves one logical explanation-- a virgin birth.
"Hey, if Mary could give birth to Jesus without ever knowing a man, then certainly a shark can do the same thing," said James R. Fakebody, Professor of Religion and Marine Biology at University of Virginia. "The bible never says the second coming won't be in shark form."
The Veterinarians were devastated.
"If this baby shark was immaculately conceived, we better hope God is merciful," said Dr. Susan Believenot. "Otherwise, his vengence will be as swift as it was on the Romans. By which I mean, our empire will crumble nearly 500 years later."
Evangelicals around the world mourned "Jesushark," as the group has named him.
"Jesushark died because of science," said Rev. Rod I. Calchristian, head of the Christian group Hurry Up Already, which devotes its resources to hastening the rapture.
"If those scientists hadn't bothered the Virgin Tidbit, then Jesushark would be alive, and bring doom and death to the wicked. Of course, those liberal shark killers couldn't stand for that."
Inspired by Tidbit, Calchristian has developed a plan to make his group's vision come alive.
"We've purchased Tidbit's shark tank and we're going to put all our females in there together," Calchristian says. "Surely one of them will immaculately conceive."
Dr. Believenot thinks the group is wasting their time.
"I told them to take the sharks out first, but they wouldn't hear of it."
Calchristian says that doesn't matter. "We're all God's creatures," he says. His organization is researching Tidbit's family history to see if she is related to the biblical King David.
"I think it's a pretty good chance," he says.