White House Keg Party To Serve Bud Light, Red Stripe, Blue Moon
By President Barack Obama, Guest Blogger
My fellow Americans. I am writing to you today to talk about an important issue in our country, one that too often goes ignored in our society. For too long, our United States have been divided. While Americans in generation after generation did their part to end these divisions, the recent events involving a police officer and African-American professor in Massachusetts have shown that we still have a way to go. My hope is that tomorrow, we can continue to blur the lines that divide us. My hope is that tomorrow, we will all have a chance to enjoy the taste of America freely, and without prejudice. My hope is that tomorrow, we can finally stop fighting about which kind is best: Red Stripe, Blue Moon, Bud Light, or Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade.
Professor Gates enjoys the Jamaican-brewed Red Stripe. Officer Crowley has expressed a preference for the Belgian-style white ale Blue Moon. Personally, I enjoy the simplicity and drinkability of a Bud Light. Mike's Hard Cranberry was Hillary's idea. But that is beside the point. Tomorrow afternoon I'm having a kegger at my place, and we're having beers from all corners of our nation and from throughout the world. Because we're in this together, and no matter what our tastes may be, we can all agree on one thing: Dick Cheney is terrible at beer pong, and I'll totally whip his butt.
The kegger will be held in the White House backyard, and food will be served. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, and Michelle's famous onion dip. Arrive early and stay late. You'll be required to go through security, but I've instructed the secret service to allow the entry of beer bongs, funnels, and those crazy looking beer helmets. Because as long as we get good and crunked, we won't care what beer we're drinking.
Beer pong sign ups start promptly at 6PM. House rules are one re-rack per game, and no bouncing. And absolutely, absolutely no blowing the ball out of the cup if you're a guy. I don't want to remind you again, Schumer.
In an effort to stop Biden from dominating the music again, we've hired the Black Eyed Peas. Gotta love that Boom Boom Pow.
It's been a tense two weeks for all involved in this controversial arrest drama, and we're all looking to unwind. So dress to impress and come on over. Cause this is one party on the hill that's definitely not just for old rich guys.
P.S. Don't tell GWB.