Friday, March 09, 2007

Brady Going For A Two-Peat?

Brady, Most Valuable Player

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is at it again. A Brazilian newspaper reports that he's knocked up his second breathtakingly beautiful celebrity in 3 weeks. This time, it's supermodel Gisele.

Gisele Preggos?
Gisele, A Maternity Model??

I took an old article and updated it to match this startling new development.

Brady living the perfect dream

By Tim Polzer
with additional reporting by Adam Hunter

(Mar. 9, 2007) -- Minutes before Super Bowl XXXVI, most Patriots players were attempting to get a handle on what was about to be the biggest game of their lives. While veterans considered how long they had waited to get to the ultimate game and younger players attempted to block out any thoughts of how they might screw up the rare opportunity, Tom Brady took a unique approach. The first-year starting quarterback who began the season toting a clipboard behind an established veteran, studied the locker room, found a seemingly comfortable place, banged a supermodel, and took a nap.

Five years, three Super Bowl rings and a pair of Super Bowl Most Valuable Player performances later, nobody needs to wake Brady up. He's living a dream and seemingly doing it in his sleep.

"It really has been an incredible year," Brady said. "A lot of players don't ever get a chance to make it with one incredibly hot model/actress, so I know how fortunate I am to be a guy that has done it over and over and over."

Brady has not only made it with his second model in one year, he's put himself into position to go 2-0 in the pregnancy game. Brady's unflappable head coach, Bill Belichick, appreciates his quarterback's clutch performances in his own understated way.

"I don't think the magnitude of the girl or the crowd noise or the situation bothers him," Belichick said. "He's able to focus on what he has to do and usually does a pretty good job with it." Pretty good job, huh?

Brady's pretty good job résumé is flawless. He remains undefeated in eight attempts to do impossibly beautiful women. His calm approach to high-pressured situations has produced two babies with model/actress Bridget Moynihan and supermodel Gisele. His heroics in doing those unforgettable hotties has even made some forget his first playoff feat: directing the game-tying and game-winning drives in the snow against the Raiders in their 2002 divisional playoff classic.

Whether rain or snow or constant comparison to Joe Montana on the world's biggest sports stage, Brady doesn't flinch or fluster. From that moment in 2001 when he entered the huddle as a mid-game replacement for then-Patriot Drew Bledsoe, Brady has been having more unprotected sex with models than any man in New England.

"Tom brings a whole aspect to his game where he's calm, cool and collected. He's not a guy that's going to be all nervous and start screaming and stuff," guard Joe Andruzzi said. "Take for instance the last two models. The last two minutes of sex he'd say 'alright guys, it's up to us, let's go do this thing.' He calms the girls down when they're in a tough position but they know what has to be done. He relaxes the bedroom."

Brady's ability to absorb the demeanor and spoils usually relegated to more veteran lovers, boils down to his work outside the bedroom. Brady does his homework and pays his dues.

Tom Brady continues to point his member in the right direction.
"Nobody works any harder or does any more to prepare for a girl than Tom. He's been consistently one of the hardest workers in the bedroom and has been recognized as such," Belichick said. "His preparation, week-in and week-out, is exceptional. He studies the game plan very hard. He studies his women well and has a good command of not only what he's doing, but what the girl is doing and things to expect."

As the hype for Brady Babies I & II builds to a crescendo, many pundits are attempting to compare him to the game's most celebrated quarterbacks. If you were an model, would you rather have Daunte Culpepper, Donovan McNabb or Tom Brady? While the first two names have established themselves as constants atop the NFL's statistical charts, its Brady's "bottom-line" success that keeps him out of their shadows. He doesn't single-handedly take over a model as much as he controls her with execution and poise. It's something his teammates now take for granted.

"[It's] his decision making. He makes great decisions," receiver Troy Brown said. "That's what it really comes down to. Not making the bad calls and doing some ugly chicks, and just making good decisions with his football."

Belichick was a little more effusive. "I think Tom is a good lover, period. He has been blitzed, he has been three-woman rushed, they've played man and they've played zone. He understands what he's trying to do and how to handle different situations. He is a quick decision maker and doesn't hold onto one girl too long. He can figure it out, find the model and try to give it to her."

To get that third Brady Baby in four weeks, Brady will have to make nothing but good decisions with New York's Scarlett Johansson, known for confusing lovers like Josh Hartnett and Justin Timberlake.

Scarlett w Hartnett She's So Hot
Will Brady Step Up?

Brady finds himself surrounded by the attention caused by the Brady Baby news this week, but his habits haven't changed.

"It's like any other week," Brady said. "You watch every model/actress, you see their every line of defense. You evaluate them and develop the game plan you think is best. When the ball is kicked off, it's business as usual. You go out there and perform like you do every other game."

Brady's ability to perform with Scarlett like every other model/actress could mean another Brady Baby and another Most Valuable Player of the Year award, which would raise his accomplishments closer to those of Wilt Chamberlain-- another athlete who's superior physical skills dropped babies in every girl in town. But unlike Brady, those girls weren't always models or actresses. Another Brady Baby would spawn another round of conjecture on how Brady will be remembered.

"Being able to do hot models and stay cool under pressure. He's been able to make big plays in key situations. He works hard in the weight room, works hard in the film room, and he really shows guys how it's supposed to be done," Brown said. "There will be a lot of guys that are going to follow in his footsteps if they can have the kind of success that he has, if they can put the time that he has into it."


[UPDATE] Gisele's family denies the pregnancy, but no word from Gisele yet.
Diaper Dandy???

1. I realize the Asbury Park Press thinks no one reads their online site... but is there any explanation for why the headline "Diaper Dandy" is attached to this story?? Weird.

[Update: Ummm.. apparently it's a Dick Vitale thing. Apparently I'm not familiar with as much sports terminology as previously thought. Apologies to the Press. Keep up the good work boys (and girls)]

2. This idea could catch on: Mayan Priests To Purify Site After Bush Visit

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Mega Millions Jackpot
$370 Million Dollars

I am not an experienced gambler. I've only gotten a genuine lottery ticket once before, when I won a free lotto ticket on a "Take 5" scratch-off. So when I went to the bodega today to buy a ticket for tonight's $370 million+ drawing, I had no idea what I was doing. I did, however, make sure not to choose the numbers chosen by Hurley from ABC's LOST. I have no desire to spend years stranded on a weird island... especially since Maggie Grace is no longer there.

Maggie, I Love You
Money Can't Buy Me Maggie's Love... or Can It?

But clearly, I was not alone in my lottery virginity. A Murray-Hill guy (you know the type-- short hair all waxed up, striped button down, long island accent) was giving the bodega guy hell for messing up his ticket. "The numbers aren't in the order I chose!!!" he yelled, quite preturbed, no doubt envisioning his millions going down the drain because of some "damn immigrant." He demanded another ticket. "You'll have to buy another," the bodega guy said.

Grudgingly, the guy agreed. "43, 2, 0..."

"You can't choose zero, sir."

"Oh, ok, 3..."

He finished, and the bodega guy printed out the ticket. The Murray Hill guy was not happy. "It's exactly the same!! The order is wrong!!!!" In a fit of anger, the guy stormed away. Then it was my turn to pick my numbers.

When the bodega guy handed me the ticket, I too saw that my numbers were correct, but the order was different. It was at that moment I realized:

The numbers always go lowest to highest. No matter what order you choose them. Lowest numbers always go first.

Obviously, the Murray Hill guy was a first time lottery player like myself. Unlike myself, he didn't realize his mistake, and ended up looking stupid when he blamed the bodega guy for derailing his lottery-winning dreams. I bet he went to another bodega to buy a "correct" ticket, only to find himself holding a third copy of the same ordered numbers.

Anyways, good luck to all of you out there who are fighting to beat the odds and fulfill the American dream-- getting incredibly rich by doing nothing. Except you, Murray Hill guy. You're rude to bodega guys-- you get bad karma.

P.S. LOST THEORY ALERT!!! Check out Lottery Lady Yolanda Vega's favorite TV Show. Was Hurley's lottery win... RIGGED?????

Is Yolanda Behind The Mysterious Dharma Initiative?? Think About It!

Monday, March 05, 2007

Teens These Days

Those Damn Teens!

When I was a teenager, back in the stone age of 1996-2001, I never did anything wrong. Ok, maybe that's not true. But I certainly never robbed a bank, taught toddlers how to smoke weed, or made an ostrich impotent.

I guess I just grew up in a simpler time. Those pre-9/11 days of innocence. Forcing 2-year-olds to get high never crossed my mind. Now it seems that the Britneyspearization of society has turned teenagers into a jumbled hormone mush of mindless thrill seekers. How many ostriches have to suffer before we bring our teens under control with some sort of implanted microchip?

Then again, maybe these crazy teenagers are simply following the cultural tradition of adolescent rebellion in a new way. Teens in the 60s smoked weed and went to big music festivals. Teens in the 70s wore tight pants and danced provocatively. Teens in the 80s stuck their fingers into electrical sockets to attain outrageously huge hairdos. Teens in the 90s said "whatever" alot.

Perhaps bankrobbing, toddler-drugging and ostrich-spooking are merely this generation's way of making themselves heard. Remember, there was once this crazy teen named Jesus who did a lot of weird things, and we know how that turned out.

I'm talking of course, about Jesus Sanchez, inventor of the four-cheese grilled cheese sandwich. Mmm.

(And if you think that joke was bad, you clearly are not familiar with the humor found on this blog.)

Anyways, I guess it's important to remember that the news media doesn't accurately represent teens everywhere. There are a couple of bad seeds, obviously, but I'm sure the vast majority are not responsible for ostriches not being able to get their freak on.

I will however, continue to despise and envy them for their yet-to-be-stolen youth.

I want to be 16 again!!!!

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