Guns For Everyone

Should Students Be Able To Carry Guns On Campus?

Armed and Ridiculous
A short play by Adam

Scene: A classroom. Students mulling around, TEACHER prepares, writes some notes on the blackboard.

(bell rings)

TEACHER
Alright class, everyone take your seats.

They don’t respond. MICHAEL faces the teacher.

MICHAEL
Why don’t you take your seat?

TEACHER
Why I…
(is about to scold, thinks better of it)
Quite right, Michael. I must lead by example.
(sits in chair)

MICHAEL
Very good. Gold star for you!

The class laughs.

TEACHER
Well, if it’s okay with all of you… I’d like to begin class.

WILLIAM
Go ahead.
(sits at desk)

TEACHER
Good. Well, where were we? I believe we were on chapter six in your textbooks. Polynomials.

BRIDGET
Can we skip that?

SCOTT
Yeah I don’t want to do that.

MICHAEL
Me neither.

TEACHER
(laughs nervously)Who needs Polynomials anyway?
(tosses lesson plan aside)
Perhaps chapter seven? Combining complex equations?

MARY
Let’s watch a movie!

SCOTT
Night of the Living Dead!

BRIDGET
We watched that last week, Scott.

SCOTT
So?

BRIDGET
It’s a stupid movie.

SCOTT
You’re stupid, Bridget.

BRIDGET
Oh yeah?

They simultaneously reach down towards their sides. Teacher quickly stands up.

TEACHER
(tense)
Okay! Okay, everybody, settle down, settle down. There’s no need for that. Scott, I think Night of the Living Dead is an excellent, excellent film. But perhaps you’d be gracious enough to let one of your classmates suggest an alternative today?

SCOTT
(glaring at Bridget, removes hand from side)
I guess.

TEACHER
Good. Bridget?

BRIDGET
Legally Blonde.

SCOTT
I’d rather be shot in the head.

BRIDGET
Be careful what you wish for.

TEACHER
(nervous)Okay, okay. None of that talk. Nobody’s shooting anybody. Not today, no sir. How about this. Today, Legally Blonde, tomorrow, Enter the Dragon.

MICHAEL
Cool.

SCOTT
Fine by me.

BRIDGET
Okay.

Rest of class assents.

TEACHER
See what happens when we negotiate with words? Everyone can get along.

A gunshot is heard. Everyone takes out their guns. Teacher is terrified.

TEACHER
Class, please, calm down, probably just an accidental discharge, happens all the time.

MICHAEL
(moving towards stage right, the door)I’ll take point, Mary, you cover me.

MARY
You got it.

SCOTT
I’ll set up a flanking maneuver.

BRIDGET
Ooh! I finally get to use my new pink pistol!

TEACHER
Class, please, everyone, stay where you are!

More gunshots are heard.

MICHAEL
(points out a few of his classmates)
You, you and you. I want standard triangle assault formation. We engage on my count.

THREE STUDENTS
Got it. Sure. No problem.

TEACHER
Everybody. The police will handle this!

MICHAEL
(approaches stage right, the door, grabs handle)
Ready?

Michael's assault team nods.

MICHAEL
Go! Go!

Michael leads Mary, Scott, Bridget, and the three other students off stage right, out the door. More gunshots are heard.

TEACHER
(runs over, closes door, turns to face class)
Please, everybody, put the guns away. We’ll be safe in here.

STUDENT #1
Like those kids at Columbine?

STUDENT #2
Or those kids at Virginia Tech?

TEACHER
Those were two, isolated incidents. And the vast majority stayed safe by simply staying put.

STUDENT #3
My Dad says people who stay put are easy targets.

STUDENT #4
My brother said if you’re going to die, you might as well die fighting.

TEACHER
No one is going to die! It’s probably just… a car backfiring. Or a stack of books got knocked down. No one is going to die!

More gunshots. Suddenly, STUDENT #5 shoots STUDENT #1. He falls to the floor. Other students turn towards him.

STUDENT #5
I… I… didn’t mean to… I was nervous… My finger slipped.

TEACHER
Everybody… everybody.. it was just an accident…

The students fire in unison, killing Student #5. Teacher throws up his arms.

STUDENT #6
(turns angrily at student #4)
Ow! You shot me!

STUDENT #4
Did not, it was him!
(points at another student)

TEACHER
Please! The police will be here any minute and they’ll sort this out.

STUDENT #3
What if the school shooter isn’t out there… what if he’s in here?

TEACHER
That doesn’t make any sense.

STUDENT #4
Sure it does. Don’t you see? There’s two of them. Like Harris and Klebold. One of them is out there, shooting the people in the hall. And that guy over there is the other one, pretending to be one of us.

STUDENT #7
It wasn’t me! My gun isn’t even loaded.
My mom won’t let me buy any bullets.

The class laughs at him. He puts his head down, ashamed.

STUDENT #4
If he didn’t shoot him, then who did?

The students all train their guns on one another, eyeing each other suspiciously.

TEACHER
No one shot anyone. It’s all just a big misunderstanding.
The police will be here soon. I think I even hear the sirens.

The class strains to hear. The teacher covers his mouth, desperately tries to make a siren sound.

STUDENT #4
Enough of this. There’s only one way to find out who the shooter is.

STUDENT #3
How?

STUDENT #4
We all close our eyes, and fire. God will guide the bullets towards the killer.

STUDENT #7
Of course! God!

STUDENT #3
God!

STUDENT #6
(dying)
God...

TEACHER
Oh God… Please, don’t do this.

The class closes their eyes.

STUDENT #4
On my count. Five…

TEACHER
(gets down to the floor)
God help us!

STUDENT #4
Four… Three…

The door opens, everyone opens their eyes. BRIDGET limps in, holding her pink gun. Her leg is bleeding.

TEACHER
Bridget, are you alright? What happened out there?

BRIDGET
Oh, it was terrible. There was blood and guts everywhere.
It was like… Night of the Living Dead.

STUDENT #3
Did you get the shooter?

BRIDGET
There was no shooter. Just a car backfiring in the driveway outside. But Michael thought someone was shooting at us, so he shot at the car. And then the man in the car shot back. And then Mary went down. Some kids from the other class thought we were attacking the school, so they started shooting at us. Timmy, Jimmy and Kimmy all went down. And then Scott got mad at William because he started the whole thing, so he shot William. And then I shot Scott.

TEACHER
Why’d you shoot Scott?

BRIDGET
Well… everyone was shooting.

STUDENT #3
So there never was no school shooter?

TEACHER
(attempts to correct him)
“Never was any…”
(Student points gun at teacher, he zips his lips)

BRIDGET
No, I guess not.

STUDENT #4
No shooter out there. But somebody shot our friend. Someone in here.

STUDENT #6
I’m… dying…Please, someone…call a hospital.

STUDENT #4
We’re kind of in the middle of something.
(Student #6 dies)
Now where were we?

STUDENT #2
At three.

STUDENT #4
Right. Ready?

Teacher crawls behind desk.

TEACHER
Just like last semester…

STUDENT #4
Three… two… one…

The stage lights die as a fusillade of bullets and screams are heard.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Sophmore Season



Hello my Hebrew baseball fans! And welcome to another year of Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

We get the season rolling late this year, due to the challenge of assembling all the necessary Jews on one auto-picked MLB.com fantasy roster. It's taken 5 tries, and I still don't have a satisfactory result.

Attempts to get last year's honorary Jew, third baseman Ryan Zimmerman, on the roster met with failure. Last year, I was able to get third baseman Ryan Braun in the last round of my draft, because no one else had heard of the then minor-league prospect. This year, I had to spend a first round pick on him. And apparently, MLB.com decided that once I already had Braun as my third baseman, I didn't need to select Zimmerman. Oh well. He wasn't a real member of the tribe anyway.

And, sadly, Kevin Mench is in the minors, depriving my team of much needed Mensch-power.

Here's this year's roster:

C- Brad Ausmus

Last year, the light-hitting hebrew Ausmus actually snagged an Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week award, and finished the season rated higher than highly-touted fantasy "expert" sleeper picks Jeff Mathis and Chris Ianetta. Unfortunately, this year, he loses his starting job to J.R. Towles, who I'm pretty sure believes in Jesus. Let's hope "Awesome Ausmus" finds some way to get some playing time this year and is able to recapture some of that "Maccabee Magic."

1B- Mike Jacobs

Jacobs is not a Jew. But that hasn't stopped the New York Mets and Florida Marlins from honoring him on Jewish Heritage Day. So it won't stop me from featuring Jacobs as the MLJ's first baseman. Last year, he batted .265, with 17 HR, 57 R, 54 RBI, and 1 SB. He's already started this season hotter than a potato latke in a frying pan: .298 with 5 homeruns and 10 RBI.

2B- Ian Kinsler

Kinsler knows how to hit a homerun and steal a base-- he had at least 20 of each last year. But did you know he also knows the difference between a knish and kishka? While his mother isn't Jewish, Kinsler's father is, and Ian has no problem with being identified as such. That's good enough for me. The leadoff hitter and second baseman for the Texas Rangers is one of the top batters at his position.

3B- Kevin Youkilis

Youkilis may be known by his nickname "The Greek," but to his grandma, he still "my little bubbelah." Youkilis had 85 runs and 83 RBIs last year, to go with a .288 average. Batting in the heart of that power-packed Boston lineup, he'll undoubtedly be fed many matzo-balls from opposing pitchers. He'll definitely win more than a few Sluggin' Semite awards before the year is out.

SS- David Eckstein

Now, the Eck will probably NOT win any Sluggin' Semite awards. But he is the only starting shortstop in the majors with a Jewish name. And what a Jewish name it is. As I mentioned last year, Eckstein was once named to the Jewish All-American team, despite not keeping a mezzuzah on his doorpost. For our purposes, we're giving him a mikva.

OF- Ryan Braun

The reigning National League Rookie-of-the-Year burst onto the major league scene last year like a burning bush, out-homering every player in the league not named A-Rod, after his call up from the minors. He also inspired Jewish little leaguers everywhere... even though it turned out he's only half Jewish. This year, he's moved from third base to outfield, gaining two-position flexibility in fantasy leagues.

OF- Lance Berkman

Not a Jew, but, as I said last year, frequently mistaken for one. Must be the ripped Golem-like physique.

OF- Ryan Spilbourghs

Wikipedia says he's a Jew. And if it's one thing we know, it's that Wikipedia is infallible, very much like the Pope. The only thing that makes me think it might be true? His middle name is Adam. My name is Adam. Regardless, when you're trying to fill out a roster using such a small player pool, you have to take some reaches. Who knows? Maybe this Rockies utilityman will have a big year and we'll find out he's 100% Hebrew.

P- New York Mets (representing Scott Schoenweiss)

"Shoe the Jew" has been terrible to start the year, and so have the Mets. But I'm confident they'll turn it around and once again end the season with one of the best pitching staffs in baseball.

Bench: C Brian Schneider (probably not Jewish, but that name!), 1B Casey Kotchman (ditto), IF Geoff Blum (ditto), OF Adam Stern (yes, Jewish, but probably won't be in the majors this year), IF David Newhan (recently called up to the majors due to Kaz Matsui's anal fissure injury), and OF Moises "Moses" Alou (to represent all the African Jews out there).

You may question my methods, but there's no questioning that for a roster made up of Jews, this team is going to need some help from on high to win it all.

Gripe time. What if I told you that there's a Jewish baseball player who's smacking the cover off the ball right now in the majors.. and he's not only REALLY Jewish, but he's so hardcore about his Jewishness that he has parts of the Torah tattooed on himself? He's currently batting .423 with 4 homeruns, 8 runs, 11 RBI and a stolen base, playing outfield for the Milwawkee Brewers. And he's not named Ryan Braun.

You'd probably say, "Why wasn't he 'chosen' to be on your Jewish Fantasy Baseball team?" Valid question. And nice pun! There's a simple answer.

MLB.com said he didn't exist.

Gabe Kapler retired from baseball after the 2006 season, and became a manager in the Red Sox minor league system. But this year, he tried out with Milwawkee, a longshot to make the team.

He made it. And with Milwawkee starting outfielder Mike "HGH" Cameron suspended to start the year, Kapler has filled in and become one of this season's biggest surprises.

Finally, today MLB.com finally wised up and added him to the player pool. I've claimed him off waivers. Hopefully no one else will take him from me. Gabe "The Kee-pa" Kapler must be mine.

So, with him in the fold, that completes the NEW, IMPROVED, 2008 Major League Jews. Hopefully, this season will end in a first place, fantasy league championship, and rebuilding of the temple. Mazel Tov to everyone!