Friday, August 19, 2005

Shuttle Caught Sodomizing 747

'I'm Gay and Proud,' says Shuttle

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. - The Bush Administration and NASA were stunned today as photographs, leaked to several news organizations, revealed the space shuttle Discovery riding piggyback on top of a well-known homosexual Boeing 747 jumbo jet.

Discovery on Aug. 9 completed NASA’s first shuttle mission since its sister ship, Columbia, blew apart over Texas in February 2003, but had to land at Edwards Air Force Base in the Mojave Desert because of thunderstorms at Cape Canaveral.

NASA prefers to use its main landing site in Florida so it can keep an eye on the shuttle. The shuttle family has a history of scandal. Discovery's sister, Atlantis, was found on top of a jumbo jet in June 2002, and Endeavor served a year in a Dade County correctional facility for selling "space dust" to undercover officers.

The U.S. space agency said on Thursday that the next shuttle mission to the International Space Station is unlikely to occur until next March -- a six-month delay -- while the shuttle attends Refuge, a Christian camp run by Love In Action which strives to "minister to adolescents struggling with homosexuality."

Engineers, meanwhile, are trying to find out if insulating foam had anything to do with altering the shuttle's sexual orientation.

Discovery’s return to Florida was expected to take two days. But NASA officials grew suspicious when the plane accompanying the shuttle took two stops during the 2,200-mile cross-country trek -- one in Oklahoma and another in Louisiana.

“They checked into a Days Inn in Oklahoma City and a Motel Six in New Orleans,” said NASA spokesman Karl Herring. "There were reports of the two being seen together on Bourbon Street, drinking appletinis."

Gay-rights activists and liberal groups expressed anger at the government's decision to send Discovery to the controversial camp, and voiced their support for the 100-ton, flamingly gay shuttle.

"When someone this high-profile comes out of the closet, it provides a tremendous opportunity to teach tolerance and acceptance to others," said George Limprist, president of GLADD. "We should accept Discovery for who he is, not force him to become who others want him to be."

James Dobson, head of the conservative watchdog group Focus on the Family, issued a harsh rebuke to NASA and the shuttle.

"First Spongebob, now the shuttle. When will the gay disease stop invading America? It is time for god-fearing Americans everywhere to stand up and fight the liberal Jesus-bashers which blast these phallic follies into the Almighty's blue heaven."

Apollo 11, first manned spacecraft on the moon and Discovery's grandfather, spoke to reporters gathered outside his home yesterday, but refused to comment on his grandson's lifestyle choice.

"All I'll say is that I'm proud of the work Discovery has done in space," he said. Endeavor and Atlantis could not be reached for comment.

Despite the revealing photos, some officials are not yet convinced Discovery is indeed homosexual.

"We think losing his sister had something to do with it," said a NASA official, who spoke only on condition of anonimity due to the ongoing investigation. "It's just a confusing time for him. He's not really gay. He can't be. He watches sports."

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Bush's War On Drugs... about as effective as his war on terror: Middle School, High School drug use on the rise.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

"Jew Couple"

Local watering hole (and underage hangout) Parkhills has some 'splainin to do.

SY Couple

Elliot and Jennifer went there for dinner. They had sushi and a few drinks. Then they got the check.

Right there on the bill, under "Tax" and "Total," were the words "Jew Couple."

Apparently, Parkhills doesn't believe in table numbers.

And mind you, this was put on the bill BEFORE the waitress got a shitty tip.

"We use it as a form of identity," the restaurant's manager said, seemingly defending the practice. No word on whether other identifiers used include "Gay Couple," "Black Couple," and "Evangelical Wingnuts."

The waitress, apparently, was fired. But will Parkhills stop identifying its customers by race and religion?

By the manager's statement, it seems not.

So all of you who like Parkhills so damn much, time to find another place that allows 10 year olds to order martinis. Those Anti-Semites don't deserve the business.

Plus, the place sucks, people!

Also: I'm on Alterman's blog again. If only all my work could get published so quickly.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Can't Make This Up

Man Gets 20 Tickets In Five Minutes

He was celebrating the end of his probation. Zoohah!
News Of The Weird

In Today's News Stories:

The Ferret Olympics was forced to change its name after the U.S. Olympic Committee threatened to sue.

In related news, The National Pork Council is demanding Gold Medal gymnast Paul Hamm change his name as well.

Late Monday, a pickup truck (supposedly driven by a man mad at the anti-war protesters camped outside Bush's ranch)tore through rows of white crosses that protesters had set up about two-tenths of a mile along the side of the road in Crawford. The crosses bore the names of fallen U.S. soldiers.

Now there's a way to support our troops... Running over their memorials.

89 children have submitted their names to the TSA because they were mistakenly on the "no fly" lists. Of those, 14 are under the age of 2.

The other 75 are members of the Polyphonic Spree.

No wait, better punch line... I always knew those diapers looked suspicious.

No.. still better... I've heard of babies laying bombs in their Pampers but this is rediculous!

One mom who unknowingly bought her daughter a book about a prostitute said, “I was more shocked with the fact that I allowed her to read it… that I didn’t even know she was reading it.”

The title of the book? The Autobiography of Britney Spears

Russian drug agents will begin feeding cows marijuana during the cold, long Russian winter.

I could write something, but I think the drug agency officer says it best.

No word yet on whether or not the cows will begin listening to Phish.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Surf's Up

"Wilmott said it has been his goal to teach water sports to mice since childhood."
The 'Least Worst' Way To Fight Terror

What's more shocking? The fact that London police executed an innocent man? The fact that they initally lied about what the man wore and did? The discovery that mysteriously, despite dozens of surveillience cameras, none was working the precise moment the execution occurred? Or is it most shocking that the London police, and Prime Minister Tony Blair have yet to apologize for what they did, and in fact, defend it? Or is it simply that Jean Charles de Menezes was

shot for looking different.

What good is a war against terror if we become the terrorists ourselves?
Most Sucky Day Ever

Sunday is already one of the worst days of the week. No matter what incredible things you may have planned for it, there's always the ever mounting dread of Monday. On a Sunday afternoon, you can often feel like a man on death row, eating his last meal right before receiving a lethal injection from the George Michael Sports Machine.

Usually, the only bright spot is Sunday night TV. Mainly, two channels, Fox and HBO. With a lineup that includes two Simpsons episdoes, two Family Guy Episodes, and HBO's smash hit Entourage, its the one last hurrah before the weekend gets sent to the slaughterhouse.

This Sunday blew.

Blew worse than usual. Oh let me count the ways.

Woke up at around 1. Started playing Mario Kart, the current game de la semaine.

It is no longer.

We were playing Special Cup on 150cc and couldn't get past damn Banshee Boardwalk (Ghost-ville). We got so frustrated we turned it off and went to get a bagel.

The second we step outside, we're hit with a wall of intense, sticky, steaming heat. Immediately we begin to wonder if we can make it two blocks to La Bagel or even the block and a half to David's. Then we get the bright idea to try out "The Bagel Factory," which is a half a block closer.

Bagels should not be made in factories.

We walk in, and we immediately regret our decision. Seth noticed there's no Peach Snapple. I ask if they have onion bagels. The woman says yes. "Fresh! We just took them out of the oven... a half hour ago!"

So we fall for the sales pitch, take the bagels back, and open them up. First thing I noticed was, mine was Garlic.

Garlic is not onion.

I struggled with it, tried to take the garlic off, but it was all in vain. Said Seth, "There's no dough in these bagels."

Then we decide to go see "The Aristocrats." We were genuinely excited. I had read some "Aristocrats" jokes online, and judging by those, we were in for a treat. How sick could comedians be? We couldn't wait to find out.

In the back of my mind, I was thinking... "but what about Penn?"

See, I hate Penn and Teller. I don't think they're funny, and I think their magic sucks. Oooh, Teller can't talk! How unique!!! Ooh, Penn sort of looks like Lewis Black! Oh look! He pulled a scarf out of his ass! Give me a freaking break.

So hearing he was involved in making this movie gave me pause. But only briefly. Surely everything Penn has ever touched hasn't turned to shit...

The Aristocrats was pretty damn awful. Not in a good way.

Don't get me wrong, Sarah Silverman gave an outrageously nuanced and eerily hot rendition that left me and every guy in the theater wanting to be her boyfriend. And Cartman was a nice surprise. And... well, that's it.

It's just awfully done. Imagine if the "Chicken crossing the road" joke went like this:

Comedian: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

(cut to George Carlin)

George Carlin: The reason the joke is so funny is because it pushes the boundaries of humor. The audience comes with you on a journey through the history of comedy...

(cut to Drew Carey)

Some people change the joke, like they say, "Why did the chicken cross the playground?" I like to actually end the joke with a little snap. (snaps his fingers)

(cut back to joke)

Comedian: To get to the other side!!!!

That's how the movie was. Everytime a classic comedian came on screen (there were alot of them), he started telling the joke and then it would cut away to someone TELLING YOU WHY THE JOKE WAS SO FUNNY. The few times the joke was actually told, it was mostly funny. But the shock value ends around the third telling. After a while, me and Seth were like... this is it?

The big joke of "The Aristocrats" is on the audience. It's some massize scam. All I read in all the reviews were that Gilbert Godfrey was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny. He's in the movie for two seconds and both times, his joke gets cut off by the likes of Paul Reiser reminding us why Mad About You sucked.

Wanna know how bad "The Aristocrats" is? Gallagher is mentioned four times, by four different comedians.

And for God's sake, Carrot Top is in this. Does anyone need to be reminded of the Carrot Top Movie?

We leave this debacle and it starts pouring. So we hide in Virgin Megastore. One thing leads to another and I end up buying Madden 06. Seth buys MVP Baseball 2005. My stomach starts to complain about the pack of peanut butter M&Ms I ate while watching that shit movie.

We get back, play a game of baseball. It's pretty good, but has yet to produce any of the dope moments like Barlow slamming down a reverse dunk on an assist by Atcheynum in NBA Live.

Then the fun starts! Prime Time baby!

We miss the Simpsons, but the way this season has been, it's no huge loss. Family Guy is two repeats of recent episodes. Funny enough, but disappointing. Then we switch to HBO for Entourage.

The rain is pouring down outside. Lightning crashes close by. The opening credits get jumbled in a digital mess. The screen goes black for a second. Then we're back. Then the screen gets messed up again. Whoever said cable isn't effected by the weather should be forced to watch The Aristocrats.

And the episode was disappointing. I'm beginning to wonder if the reviews on EW are paid advertisements. Come on, no criticism at all of an episode that ends 7 minutes short of a half hour and doesn't advance the plot one centimeter past where it was last week? Are they watching the same episodes as us?

Yeah, Drama got hard while hugging Brooke Sheilds. But whats the deal with Terrence? Why is he Ari's new foil? What was wrong with the old one, Josh Weinstein? When is Ari going to get back at Weinstein for sinking his photo shoot for most powerful under 40? After last week's awesome Bat-Mitzvah-aganza, this was a disappointment.

That said, I'll watch it fourty times this week on demand as I wait for next Sunday.

I settled into bed as the last clips of Sports Machine would down. Pedro's no-hitter collapse in the 8th inning foremost in my mind. Will the Mets EVER get a no hitter?

So that was Sunday.

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