BREAKING NEWS: MARY-KATE DUMPS NYU



The skinnier and more drug addicted of the two former Full House twins has dropped out of NYU.

Mary-Kate Olsen cited her responsibilities as DualStar Entertainment co-president as her reason for leaving. DualStar Entertainment is the Olsen twins' multi-million dollar media and girlie clothing empire. However, her co-president, Ashley Olsen, remains enrolled at NYU. This fact led some to believe Mary-Kate's decision was prompted by a rift between the two twins.

"Everyone knows they're drifting apart. It was so obvious," said Mike Muldoon, a student who does not attend NYU and has never met the Olsen twins.

"Mary-Kate's been out partying and Ashley's been spending late nights at the study lab," Muldoon said. "I actually hooked up with Ashley in Bobst."

No word on whether or not Mary-Kate dropping out will have an adverse effect on the NYU community. Several Facebook.com groups at NYU are devoted to the Olsen twins, and NYU's Washington Square News (which got scooped by MSNBC) has written several articles about the Olsens on campus.

According to Mary-Kate's Facebook.com profile, the NYU freshman is a female and was a Photography and Imaging major.

Other notable people to drop out of college include Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, and Bud "Beerface" Williams, a crack addict in Union Square Park.

"I hope she doesn't get addicted to crack like I did," Gates said.

-Click Here For An EXCLUSIVE MK OLSEN PHOTO!!!-

Get Your Ark Ready

Jersey Underwater

Just found out they closed Ocean Township schools because of flooding. To give you an idea of how rare this is, Ocean Township (my home town), despite its name, does not touch the ocean.

The biggest water sources around are small lakes and tiny streams.

But all this rain has deluged the area. Belmar and Spring Lake have been evacuated. Even in New York City, where I am not, streets are starting to shimmer with thin, quickly flowing rivers.

I can't remember when it's rained this much, for so long. It's clear there's only one explanation:

The remnants of Tropical Storm Tammy sticking around due to a low pressure system in the area.

BUT ALSO, more likely, the end times are upon us.

The biblical flood is back to catch those it didn't get the first time.

So build your arks, and take two of every animal. Except tarantulas. They're on their own.

These guys can help: Noah's Ark Rebuilt!!!

Martha Stewart Makes Homes For Katrina Victims Out Of Giant Pumpkins

Desperate Measures



It's hard to get people to join the military. Especially in a time of war. Especially in a time of utterly unnecessary, badly planned war. Especially in a time when U.S. defense contractors make their bulletproof vests out of swiss cheese and silly putty. So it's understandable that the U.S. military should have trouble recruiting fresh blood.

Luckily, the U.S. Army National Guard is offering a stellar, hip way to get those recruits they need.

Offer them $2.97.

Yep. That's right. All you have to do is listen to a recruiter, and you'll get a whopping TWO DOLLARS AND NINETY SEVEN CENTS. How's that for a brilliant recruiting tactic?

Of course, this isn't just a measly two bills and change... this is iTunes money. That's right. The U.S. National Guard is so hip and "with it" that they're offering three (count em!) 3 free iTunes music store downloads (a 99 cents per song value!), just for coming in and giving them a moment of your time.

Read about the amazing offer here.

If this isn't desperation, I don't know what is.

I've got a better idea. How about we start winning this thing. How about we start planning better and start actually listening to the Iraqi people. They have a good suggestion. Leave. But yeah, apparently the idea of leaving is so abhorrent that the right feels it's necessary to bash the grieving mother of a dead soldier. We can't leave, not unless we want to take the blame for what we fear Iraq will devolve into without us.

Ok, well how about a slow pullout? Make it harder for the terrorists to attack us because... they can't find us so easily anymore. Time to maintain a low profile. Maybe change the Army uniforms to muftis.

I personally believe that the terrorists attack us in Iraq because... we're in Iraq. I think if we left, they'd stop. And the Iraqi government would be forced to take charge, instead of running to tell Daddy Bush everytime Bobby Insurgent throws a rock on the playground.

It's stubborn to stay. It's noble to know when we can't win.

Manage the military with a little more common sense, instead of braindead $2.97 offers, and you'll solve your recruitment problem.

Of course, sex always sells too.

Blame The Media/Global Warning

Accidentally say that aborting black babies will reduce crime? You know who to blame... The MEDIA

This guy is pretty unbelievable. The fact that 4,500 people would come out to listen to him speaks volumes about ongoing racism in this country.

Oh, but it's not his fault. It's OUR fault. For reporting his comments. Yeah. Right.

As long as we're talking about "liberal conspiracies," lets talk about global warming, which, of course, every self-respection Republican knows is about as real as Santa Claus.

So the polar ice cap is smaller this year than ever before. And scientific data from experts throughout the world (hogwash, of course) predicts the caps will get even smaller... potentially flooding coastal areas throughout the globe.

Of course, there are positives to this. Philadelphia suddenly has an ocean view. And, according the the New York Times, people are already taking advantage of the improved shipping lanes ice-free arctic sea travel will provide.

Personally, I'm not too thrilled about New York City becoming the Venice of the West, nor am I excited about the possibility of my childhood home becoming a houseboat. But hey, it may be time to invest in some prime "perma"frost... Today polar bears, tomorrow wet t-shirt contests at the Arctic Seaside Pool Club.

Those Eskimos might start needing air-conditioning after all.