Friday, July 15, 2005

We're Out Of "Bort" License Plates

Finally, a theme park with a purpose. To convert Jews.

Senate Makes South Dakota Safe From Terror

In a move that will be loudly applauded for its nobility and intelligence, the Senate yesterday made an amendment to Homeland Security spending. If you'll recall, the previous system gave more money to Alaska than New York. Finally, the Senators realized their mistake.

They were giving New York too much money!

History, common sense, the lives of millions be damned. Next year is an election year, and no congressman wants to go back to Nebraska and say to his constituents, "Sorry guys, I couldn't get us the security funds we don't need."

California, New York, New Jersey, Texas, and Illinois, places where our nation has the most people and is most vulnerable, will suffer security budget cutbacks while South Dakota, Wyoming, and Montana (combined population: 4) will recieve cutting edge technology: stealth helicopters, robo-cops, and x-ray beams, courtesy of a generous federal government.

Who supported the shift in anti-terror funds?

Good ol' Joltin Joe "I-Can't-Believe-They-Still-Think-I'm-A-Democrat" Lieberman.

It's hard to believe, after the London attacks, that congressmen from small states could be so callous as to deny proper funding where our nation's security is truly at stake. Red staters are quick to declare themselves "more patriotic," and Republicans are quick to scream "Treason" at every liberal American they meet, but these people won't stand up and say, "Hey, wait a minute... shouldn't we do what's necessary to protect our nation from terrorist attacks, even if the most likely targets are in blue states?"

Yesterday's action by the Senate once again shows the truth about our system. The senators will make grand statements into microphones when everyone is watching, but behind closed doors, when it comes to taking action for the good of the country, they too often have their heads up their asses.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

We Are The World

A new poll shows how people in different countries think about people of certain religious faiths.

Pepe Le Pew Research Poll

As you can see, they hate Adam Sandler in Jordan. And they don't like half of Courtney Love.

Communist China, of course, hates all religions equally.

But perhaps most enlightening was another question on the poll: "Do you have confidence in Bin Laden to do the right thing?"

Osama Approval Rating

As you can see, Bin Laden's approval rating has gone down... except in Jordan and Pakistan, where Osama has an insane, loyal following, similar to that of David Hasselhoff in Germany.

Meanwhile, Bush's approval rating is down as well. Only 47% think he's doing a good job. Except in Texas, where GW has an insane, loyal following, similar to that of Alyssa Milano in Japan.

With most of the people they claim to be fighting for against them, why do Bin Laden and Bush continue this war? Why do both leaders refuse to listen to the people? The majority of Muslims living in Muslim countries, even though they hate Jews (and America), believe that Bin Laden is wrong. So he should stop. The majority of Americans think Bush is wrong. So he should stop.

Either that, or Texas and Jordan can go to war with each other and leave the rest of us out of it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

More Animal Madness

Cat Befriends Rats

They later mated to form a Crat

Hey, if they can get along, maybe we all can.
The Big Mac Diet

It's the summer, which means, inevitably, you will find yourself on a beach, basking in the sun's beautiful, sparkling, carcinogenic rays, crying because you just saw the hottest girl/guy pass and you didn't suck in your gut in time.

How can us Fatty-Six-Rolls ever lose weight?

Turns out, the secret was right under our noses all along: The Golden Arches.

Merab Morgan Loses 132 Quarter-Pounders on McDonalds Diet

Hey Fatties, Forget Slim Fast... Get Slim with Fast Food!!: Here

Then again... it may not be the best idea.

Other Delectable Diets:

Of course, if you're sexually promiscuous, you may want to go on an all broccoli diet.

Live Forever! Eat Chocolate

You may want to rethink that Atkins diet.

Well, I'm off to lunch. A Big Mac, broccoli, a Hershey bar, and six rolls should have me living well into my 90's with no gut to speak of.

The broccoli? Oh, uh.. I'm just eating that for its... cancer fighting properties...

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