Google Saves Drunken E-mailers

I admit, I've sent some regrettable e-mails. You have too. Sometimes, it's just because we were emotional at the time. Most likely-- especially now that we have email on our portable iPhones and Crackberries-- we were drunk.

The folks at Google feel our pain. Or rather, they want to spare us the pain of sending a drunken email that will later come back to haunt us:

"Yeah, um, boss... about that email I sent on Saturday at 3:00 am... just kidding, I don't want to quit. And I meant to call someone else a weasel."

World, meet Mail Goggles. Turn this feature on, and every time you try and send an email late at night on a weekend, Google will present you with a few math problems to solve before it sends. The logic being-- if you're in the right frame of mind to do math, then you're in the right frame of mind to send an email:


See, your teachers were right! Math isn't useless.

Of course, Mail Goggles isn't for everyone. For instance, those bad at elementary school math. And those with Arithmophobia: you're already drunk... adding blood-curdling numbers to the mix can only make your state of mind worse.

But for the rest of us, Mail Goggles can be a very useful tool. Why not extend mind-engaging academic tests to protect us from other erroneous communication? Solve a crossword before you can send that late night "What You Up To?!?" text message to your ex. Name the 12th U.S. President before drunk dialing. Analyze the use of allegory in Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" before writing on your crush's Facebook wall during a Saturday pre-dawn bender.

Imagine. Suddenly, there would be a purpose to grade school: preventing us from making asses of ourselves.

Which, apparently, was the original purpose of grade school.


Maybe The Wonder Years' Chick Is On To Something

Anyways, the Jewish holiday I'm-Sorry-Fest of Yom Kippur is happening this week, so if you have sent a regrettable email, now's the time to apologize, beg forgiveness and repent. Cause even if you're not Jewish, you want to be sure you've got your bases covered, right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some math to study up on. I don't want to be stuck if I have to send an email this weekend.

Math Predicts Yankee Dominance, Adam Buys Casino


A-Rod Hopes The Numbers Don't Lie

We all know that baseball is a game of skill, timing, and a little bit of luck. But did you also know that like the fate of the castaways in Lost (ABC, Wednesdays, 10 PM ET), baseball's future is already determined by mysterious, mystical numbers?

Mathematician Bruce Bukiet of the New Jersey Institute of Technology developed a mathematical formula he claims can predict the outcome of baseball games, and the entire baseball season. What team does this formula favor? The Bronx Bombers.

According to Bukiet, the Yanks will rule the league with 110 wins. The Mets, Astros, Padres, Indians and Angels will take their divisions. The Phillies and Twins will get the wild card slots. You can see the full results on Bukiet's website.

Sorry Cubs fans. This is not your year.

Now we can all be like Biff Tannen from Back To The Future Part II. For you betting guys, Bukiet's magic numerals say Andy Petitte has a 86.7% chance of winning today's game vs. Tampa. I strongly reccommend betting your life savings*. You can open a big casino and marry Lea Thompson!!!


Alternate 1985 Biff Had It All

All this is good news to me. I've got four Yankees (A-Rod, Jeter, Matsui and Chien Ming-Wang), two Mets (Paul LoDuca and Tom Glavine), one Angel (Gary HGH Jr.), two Padres (Adrian Gonzales and pitcher Chris Young) and two Twins (MVP Moreneu and Mauer) on my fantasy baseball team.

I've also got Dice-K, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Boston's Japanese phenom. He gets his first start today. He's either the second coming of Jesus or another Hideki Irabu flame-out, judging by everything printed about him in the press. My prediction? 30 wins. 300+ strikeouts. And the Rapture begins.

At least that better be the case. The rest of my pitching staff is subpar. That's what happens when you gamble on Carl Pavano (8.31 ERA in his first outing).

Of course, it's early, so anything can happen. Bukiet's forumla can't account for trades, injuries, or A-Rod's fragile psyche. It can't predict whether Barry Bonds will break Aaron's home run record or break his back. However, it can accurately predict the chances "Mr. Glass" Ken Griffey Jr. will be injured by the time you finish this sentence (100%).

So despite Bukiet's time machine, the future is still uncertain. As we learned from Doc in Back To The Future Part III-- "Your future is whatever you make it." Words we should all take to heart.


"Great Scot! Marty, Style In The Future Is Remarkably Similar To Style In The 1980s!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hop into my Delorean and change my outfielder from Willy Taveras (6 K's in 2 games!!) to Adam Dunn (2 homers in 2 games!).

The future's looking bright.



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*Not responsible if you actually take my advice.