Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Bionic-Eyed Rabbits Revolt Against Scientists

Fuzzy? Or Deadly?

Researchers at the University of Washington, who tested their new electronic contact lenses on bunny rabbits, were shocked this morning when they entered the lab to discover the rabbits out of their cages, and shooting plasma rays out of their eye sockets.

"We don't know what went wrong," said one of the scientists, seconds before being vaporized by a bunny named Hoppy. "In retrospect, perhaps the bunnies didn't appreciate all the tests we ran on them."

The bunnies demanded carrots, 10 tons of carrots to be precise, before they'd agree to let the surviving scientist hostages go.

Campus security chief Edmund C. Notreal scrambled to meet the adorable bunnies' demands.

"It was difficult, but we managed to locate a baby carrot supplier in Northern California that was able to quickly ship that large quantity," Notreal said. "Unfortunately for us, the bunnies demanded whole carrots, not baby ones."

Three more scientists were melted in retaliation.

The bunnies' leader, Snowy, issued a statement through PETA's website:

"We will not back down until our demands are met. We're sick of trying on cosmetics and new hair dyes. Now that we've been given the power to fight back, we will not be test subjects anymore."

University of Washington spokesperson Gerald P. Figment denied any wrongdoing on the part of the university's research team. "We take great care of those bunnies," Figment said. "Their cages are twice the size of the cages at University of Oregon."

At press time, the fate of the bunnies, and their scientist hostages, was undetermined, but Notreal was optimistic.

"The bunnies have already released one scientist, although he was very skinny, covered in rabbit fur, and hopped along awkwardly... almost as if it weren't a human being at all, but just a bunch of bunnies standing on each other's shoulders, disguised in a lab coat," Notreal said. "We haven't heard any demands coming from the building in a while, but we're hopeful we'll re-establish contact soon."
Broken Brady? Don't Believe It, Giants

I don't think so.

The news today, on its surface, should make New York Giants fans cheer: New Endland Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was seen wearing a cast on his leg. But Big Blue Boosters shouldn't get too excited... I have a feeling this is all an elaborate ploy by coaching mastermind Bill Belichik.

Suddenly finding his team about to face a red-hot, determined Giants squad, Bill needed to find a way to lull the Giants into a false sense of security. By making Brady look injured, he's hoping the Giants won't prepare as hard to face him.

What evidence to I have for this?

Curt Schilling's "Bloody Sock."


A sports journalist reported that Red Sox cather Doug Mirabelli told him that Schilling's bloody sock was faked. Of course, Mirabelli denied it, and the sports journalist recanted. But I still don't trust those Bostoners. If Schilling can fake a bloody ankle to lull the Yankees to sleep, then is it so far-fetched to think Brady, another chowda-head, wouldn't do the same thing?

After all, Brady is far from a stand-up guy. As we all recall, he left:

Pregnant Bridget


Un-Pregnant Gisele

Need more evidence? He was spotted LAST NIGHT without the walking cast. Shenanigans!!

All Better?

So my advice to the Giants? Practice as if Brady is perfectly fine. Actually, practice as if he just got a robot super arm installed. And 4-wheel-drive. And laser beams for eyes. Because if it's two things we know, its that we can't trust Bill Belicheat's injury report and we can't trust New England sports stars.

Let's Go Blue!!

Visitor Map: