Friday, July 20, 2007

Bush To Go Under, Cheney To Stay In Charge

Cheney and Bush

The White House announced today that President George W. Bush will undergo anestheisia during a routine colonoscopy, meaning that while Bush is unconcious, Dick Cheney will continue to be acting President.

"I'm thrilled to be able to continue the great job I've been doing as head puppeteer... I mean President," Cheney said, in a statement.

The so-called Bush Presidency, now in it's 7th year, has been troubled by the war in Iraq, the war on terror, and myriad domestic issues, but Cheney is confident he can turn things around during his short term in office.

"I've got a few tricks up my sleeve," Cheney said. "Hint, it rhymes with atom bomb."

"Actually, that wasn't a hint. I intend to drop one on Iraq," he added.

Critics of the Bush/Cheney Presidency remain skeptical that a Cheney/Cheney Presidency can turn things around.

"A colonoscopy takes no time at all. He'll be out of there in an hour," said Linda Goodenfake, president of Mad and Raging Parents Insulted By Bush, or MR. PIBB.

"That's what they said about Iraq," Cheney responded. "And we know how that went."
What's Going On In This Picture??

Torii Hunter Picture
(Photo From's Front Page This Morning)

A) Minnesota outfielder Torii Hunter is about to be landed on by cleated paratrooper.

B) An ad for HBO's John From Cincinnati.

C) "Nope, no gum on your shoe," Torii says.

D) Mary Poppins deftly avoids a Torii Hunter slide.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Steam Scare, Old Scars

I took this with my camera phone, as did about 10,000 others around me. Of course, I didn't whip out the cell phone camera until after I heard that the cause of the explosion wasn't Bin Laden, but a burst steam pipe.

I left work (at 34th and Madison) and headed towards my sister's place (54th and 1st). When I got to 34th and Lexington, I saw people running down the street, looking over their shoulders.

Instantly, my blood ran cold. I'd only seen people running like that once before in my life.

I looked up Lexington, and saw the huge geyser of brown smoke, erupting from the street. It filled in all the spaces between the skyscrapers in the distance, reaching the tops of the buildings, seemingly coming towards me and the rest of the crowd that stood in stunned silence.

I'd only seen smoke like that once before in my life.

I called my sister, and told her to turn on the TV, see what the news said. There wasn't anything at first. After a few minutes, she said one report mentioned a transformer may have exploded. "More Than Meets The Eye" jokes aside, I felt some relief.

I called Jay, who works around there. His building was being evacuated. I told him what my sister had told me.

As word spread that officials had ruled out terror, the mood of the ever-growing crowd on the streets lightened. What had been, moments before, an eerie mass of quivering dread, the crowd of people began to drop their guard, smile, and exchange expressions of gratitude. Police urged everyone to be on their way. "Nothing to see here, folks," someone cracked.

I thought about 9/11. Though it happened almost 6 years ago, images remain seared in my memory as if I had witnessed them today. Ambulances speeding from downtown, throwing off gray ash; people applauding them as they passed. A man in a suit, clutching a briefcase, walking stunned, his hair and shoulders sprinkled with dust. A woman falling to her knees in Union Square Park, a stranger bending down to embrace her. Shopkeepers, students, businessmen, taxi cab drivers, all standing in the street, silently staring in the same direction. That sickening gray ash caking on the railing of my dormroom balcony; that plume downtown that seemed to glow brighter and more terrifying as the hours passed and the city fell into the darkest night it had ever known.

Years later, these images still strike me. Last week, I was watching Saturday Night Live, and there was a semi-amusing skit set in an office building, where the boss goes around the conference room table, asking the staff's suggestions on how to save money. As he goes rapid-fire around the table, the employees the camera shows are more and more ridiculous, including a turkey sandwich and a mounted deer head. I admit, I giggled a bit. But then, as nearly all Saturday Night Live skits do these days, it ended with a bizzarre and disturbing ending:

The building collapsed.

I sat there quiet, feeling chills throughout my body. I doubt any of the people involved in that sketch were thinking about 9/11 when they wrote it. And 9/11 certainly wasn't on my mind when the boss asked the turkey sandwich his opinion on budget restructuring. But that final shot, of the building collapsing, quickly and shockingly sent my brain back to that horrible day. I shut SNL off. I didn't feel like laughing anymore.

I was 20 blocks north of the WTC on 9/11, far enough away that there was no evacuation, no close up look at the maimed and killed. My memories of that day pale in comparision to the traumatic things first responders and those further downtown witnessed. If I can be shaken to the core by something as simple as an SNL sketch, I can't imagine the terror those closer to the events of 9/11 felt yesterday when they saw the smoke exploding from the street in front of Grand Central Station, and people covered in mud and dirt and blood, fleeing the scene.

Six years after 9/11, this is a city still very much in shock. While day to day life has returned to normal, I don't think anyone living here believes everything is still the same. All the wars Bush starts won't restore that damaged place inside ourselves, the place within us that collapsed along with the towers on that awful day. It's a fact that's incredibly frustrating and incredibly sad.

But as I walked uptown yesterday to meet my parents and sister for dinner, I was struck by the difference between how I am now and how I was on 9/11. That day my roommates and I basically just huddled around the television. I couldn't go near Ground Zero until a year after. But when I saw that smoke at Grand Central, I didn't feel the urge to run and hide. I felt this strong desire to help, to call my friends and find out if they were ok, to get closer to the scene and see what I could see. I can't quite explain it. But even if it was an attack, I didn't want to just go home and watch it on the news. I needed to be there. And looking around me, I could see a lot of people felt the same thing.

Maybe we are scarred for life. But scars are simply new skin, new tissue, that fills our wounds and strengthens them for our next painful scrape. In many ways, this is a braver city than it was before 9/11. And if it's one positive that came from that day, it's that we know what we're able to make it through. We know we can survive. Our memories, however painful, are perhaps our bodies' way of reminding us that we're, in fact, survivors. And that's a good thing to remember. We're still here.
Dramatic Chipmunk

I suspect only my sister and me will think this is hilarious:

Don't miss the sequel:

Ah, what the hell, one more...

Who said the internet was just full of worthless crap?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

White Stripes Rock Out...

...for one second:

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Booze Water

Bored with Poland Spring? Gatorade not quite quenching your thirst? Looking for a drink that's both refreshing and intoxicating? Well look no further my friends, because Smirnoff has just the thing:

New Smirnoff Source!

Smirnoff Source: Alcoholic Water.

Yes folks, finally you can have all the health benefits of pure spring water while getting crunked at the same time.

You can imagine how that corporate brainstorming meeting went:

Boss: We're looking for a new alcoholic product that will make us lots of money. Any ideas?

Doug: Smirnoff Ice Pops?

Patty: Pomegranate Twist Smirnoff?

Boss: Terrible. Just terrible. Anyone else?

Hitler: Americans love bottled water. Why don't we water-down some vodka, put it in a bottle, and sell it as alcoholic water?

Boss: Brilliant!!!

Doug: But won't selling alcohol as water send the wrong message? People shouldn't drink it like water.

Boss: You're fired. Smirnoff water! I love it!

Hitler: We'll call it "The Source," to make it sound youthful and hip.

Boss: Genius! Why can't the rest of you guys be like Hitler?
I can see the ads now:

Smirnoff Source: Doctors Recommend 8 Glasses A Day

Smirnoff Source: The Thirst Quencher

Maria Sharapova Says... Drink Smirnoff Source

Enjoy responsibly.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Week 11

Hey there Jewish baseball fans. We're in week twelve of the JFB season, and while the standings may not reflect it, this faithful bunch has given us much nachas.

In a short, post-all-star-break week, missing their starting second baseman and shortstop, the Homerin' Hebrews made a respectable showing, losing to team shutout 140.5 - 105.5.

Adam Kennedy (honorary jew until Ian Kinsler returns from the DL) was impressive in his Major League Jew debut, going 3 for 7 with a double and a homerun with three runs scored and two RBIs.

And, as is becoming the norm this fantasy baseball season, Ryan "Bar Mitzvah Boy" Braun had another week worth singing Hava Nagilah for, with a 3 for 9, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI, 4 BB performance.

His is, once again, our Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite Of The Week.

This week, MLJ faces the first place, A-Rod led Red Rooks squad. It may take a miracle, but if we've learned anything from the bible, it's that miracles can happen. All you need is a magic staff. And we have one-- the Mets pitching staff, led by Scott Schoeneweis.

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