Thursday, May 10, 2007

New Super-Simple LOST Theory

Lost, I love you

Warning, below contains spoilers, insane theories.
Do not read if you haven't seen this week's LOST.


Are you ready? Are you ready for the super-genius super-crazy super-simple theory of Lost?

Might want to sit down. Ok good.

This season's B-story line, Desmond saving Charlie's ass from the grim reaper, time and time again... is actually the A-story line. It's an allegory for The Hatch, for The Dharma Initiative, for the whole shebang we know as LOST.

I'll start from what we found out tonight. Dharma wasn't a bunch of weirdos. They were a bunch of idealists. I mean, arriving at the island, being "laid" upon arrival... these guys are a bunch of hippies. What was the hippie mantra? "We're gonna change the world, man!"

But these Dharma folks weren't big pot smokers. Sure, they grew their hair out, drove VW Buses, and listened to hippie songs, like "Make Your Own Kind Of Music," but they came to island not for a Woodstock-type festival, but to conduct a scientific experiment. "What experiment?" you may ask.

"Make Your Own Kind Of Music."

The writers didn't put that song in there just because. They're hitting us over the head with a super enormous clue. This is the THEME SONG for the Dharma Initiative.

The Dharma Initiative's plan was to change fate, destiny. Alter the future course of the world. What future did they seek to alter?

Death. Like Desmond, the people behind the Dharma Initiative saw flashes. But not of Charlie dying in terrible ways. They saw the world... dying in terrible ways. Like Desmond, they would have to step in and prevent these deaths from happening.

However, as the creepy old lady says...

"The universe has a way of course correcting."

This wasn't just a message for Desmond. It was a message for us. The idea that we're all bound to our fates and have a set destiny runs throughout the show. Desmond, as hard as he tries, knows he cannot keep saving Charlie. The Dharma Initiative knew that they couldn't keep stepping in to save the world. So they dedicated their time, money, and brainpower to building a device that could stop the universe from "course correcting." The island, with it's mysterious properties, seemed to hold the key.

The hostiles on the island, however, were resistant to efforts to change the course of destiny. Think-- creepy dark-eyed Richard preaches "patience." Weird Ben ghost-mother says "it's not time yet." These are the words of people who believe in a set path. They strive to prevent all efforts at alteration. So they killed the Dharmaites. They adopted Ben as one of their own and took over the Dharma stations.... except they missed the biggest Dharma effort of all.

The Hatch.

Remember, there was no way into the hatch. Locke had to blast it open (there is the back door, but lets assume that was never breached... because Desmond seems to have little knowledge of "The Others," meaning he never encountered them down there all his time in hatchville).

We saw Ben walking through The Pearl like he owned the place, we've seen the Others in the medical hatch, saw Patchy's glass eye and the snippet of video in the hatch that the tail section survivors found... only THE Hatch shows no influence by the hostiles/others.

We saw the other hatch guy, Kelvin (the one who recruited Desmond) make that snip of the tape. The part he snipped, at first blush, seems inconsequential. "Don't, under any circumstances, use the computer to communicate." Why would Dharma not want it's hatchies to communicate with the outside world? What's wrong with a little IMing?

Because the outside world is full of liars and deceivers... The Hostiles. The Others. The ones who will stop at nothing to see Dharma fail in their efforts to change the world's final destiny. Whatever was being done in the hatch with the pressing of those numbers was huge. Huge enough to be defended with a locker full of high power guns. It wasn't any psychological experiment. It was actively carrying out the Dharma mission... to change destiny. Desmond, it seems was right about the numbers:

The numbers entered into the computer in the hatch were preventing the end of the world!!

The Others may have known about the Hatch, but they weren't able to get inside. Best they could do was manipulate Kelvin into editing the tape and maybe letting them know about how to activate the blast doors. But then Desmond showed up in his sailboat, and Kelvin took him into the hatch. Their plan to infiltrate the hatch was set back.

Locke was led to blow the hatch (and kill Boone) by the island forces that desperately want the universe to "course correct." Locke was hoodwinked. He opened the hatch, and began the process that led to its destruction. First, Ben got caught on purpose. He knew that he'd be taken to the hatch, either to be imprisoned or asked about it's significance. Then Ben manipulated Locke into believing the numbers had no importance, that it was all a sham. Ben wanted Locke to destroy the hatch, and end the Dharma plan once and for all. Even though Ben himself did not have the guts to do it himself.

When the hatch imploded, the world didn't end immediately, of course, but the end is near. It was put off by so long because of Dharma's discovery that the effect of entering the numbers could alter the world's final destiny. Just like Charlie IS going to die, the world IS going to die. Desmond needs to actively keep saving Charlie over and over in order to prevent his death. The numbers had to be entered over and over to prevent the world's death. Just like saving Charlie, something like that can't be automated. It requires someone to take action to alter what is going to happen. Otherwise, the universe would course correct itself, and we'd all be toast.

So no more computer, no more world, right? Unless...

The failsafe key.

Desmond turned the failsafe key... and was sent into the past. He found out that he has the ability to change things... though the universe (and that creepy old lady) are resistant to that change. Now that the computer and the numbers have been imploded into oblivion, Desmond is the only figure remaining with the ability to know and change the future. He, who entered the numbers for years, now is the embodiment of the numbers. Every time he saves Charlie, he alters the universe... holding off the doom of humanity and the world.

Remember... Creepy Old Lady told Desmond that entering the numbers was the single most important thing he'd ever do. If we're to take that literally... now that he can no longer enter the numbers, you'd think Desmond would feel pretty useless. Except he's not done entering the numbers. He's still entering them... by altering what he sees in his "flashes."

Desmond had the failsafe key = Desmond is the key. To Lost. To everything.

Ok, now that that's settled... Jacob. WTF???

Ben is evil. I knew it all along. The writers played clever games with us ever since we first met Ben and the others. Are they good? Are they bad? What's their agenda? What's their deal?? But I knew better. Ben is evil. This episode showed Ben's the quiet kid in the back of the classroom who ends up pulling a Columbine. Instead of merely offing his school, he takes out his father, the Dharma Initiative, and, we can only assume, the little girl that gave him the creepy wooden dolls.

That certainly doesn't sound like something "one of the good guys" would do.

Except... clearly, Ben was manipulated. By the image of his mother. By the seemingly ageless creepy dude Richard (the same guy who recruited Juliet). How many of the Others know this about Ben? That he did something so evil? Clearly the originals know what Ben did, but how about the latest recruits? Clearly, some are having their doubts about his leadership.

I've thought about the Ben talking to an empty chair scene over and over. A brief flash shows that clearly, there was someone in that chair. But Ben's "conversation" with thin air wasn't that convincing. Ben was clearly faking the conversation. Ben knows Jacob is there, but he can't communicate with him... any longer. How do I know? Because Jacob's words to Locke weren't heard by Ben, "Help Me."

This fact is why Ben shoots Locke and leaves him for dead. If Locke can hear Jacob... then he can hear what Jacob has to say about Ben. And I'm guessing Jacob is not a big Ben fan.

How does this tie in with my "changing fate/saving the world" theory of Lost?

Well. It doesn't, really. Here's the not-so-super-half-assed explanation of Jacob.

In season one, Jack found a cave with "Adam and Eve." A man and a woman. They held a black stone and a white stone. These black and white stones aren't pointless. Like "Make Your Own Kind Of Music," they're a symbol. Good and evil.

Both forces exist on the island, but unlike in the real world, they're manifested into actual entities. Smokey the Smoke Monster and Jacob.

In the very first episode, we saw smokey tear the skin off the poor pilot, played by Heroes' Greg Grunberg (guess he couldn't read Smokey's mind). So right off the bat, I've got to think... Smokey, not a good guy.

Jacob, however, looks weak, imprisoned and says "Help Me." Jacob, I'm thinking, is good. And not just because I played him in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

If Jacob is a god-like figure, we've got to assume he doesn't want the world to end. Where's the fun in that? When I was 10, I didn't spend a week building a city out of Legos just to destroy it and put it back in the box. It's still on a shelf in my bedroom at home.

If Jacob is a god-like figure, then he can also control fate and destiny. After all, Greek mythology gives this power to the gods. Human beings can't change fate, but the gods can.

If Jacob is in charge, the world doesn't end.

But Jacob isn't in charge. He's surrounded by a ring of ash. Which, you think wouldn't be a big deal to God, but no one likes to get their all-white robe dirty (i didn't see a dry cleaner on Lost island). Smokey appeared to Ben in the form of his mother, and manipulated Ben into imprisoning Jacob (we know Smokey can take many forms... he's been a horse, Jack's dad, a boar, etc). What other powerful figure manifests itself in different ways to manipulate people towards evil? Hmm.. could it be Smokey = Satan?

Smokey and his accomplice, creepy Richard (who, I'll say again, LOOKS THE SAME AGE NOW AS HE WAS 40 ODD YEARS AGO)are in fate's driver's seat now, and they've used it to off Juliet's ex-husband (with a bus), smash and bash Eko (who, remember, became a man of God), and do away with poor Shannon, who's hotness will forever live on in my memory.

Maggie Grace
Shannon, resurrect yourself!

With Smokey in charge of directing fate, the world goes to hell. 9/11. George W's re-election. Impenetrable blue-tops on Poland Spring bottles.

Jacob, however, has a few tricks up his sleeve. He brought the plane to the island, full of people who could use a decent father figure (like him) in their lives. He cursed all the island inhabitants so they would suffer the same fate as Ben's mother, and die in childbirth. In doing so, he prevents the evil Smokey cult from spreading. So the Others resort to kidnapping and brainwashing children.

It boils down to this. The Losties must save Jacob. In doing so, they remove Desmond from his responsibility to change a Smokey-directed destiny, and put God back in charge of fate. In doing so, they save the world. "Save Jacob, Save The World." I know it's not as catchy as "Save The Cheerleader, Save The World," but I'm still planning on trademarking it and selling buttons.

There you have it.

Of course, questions remain. Why did Ben let Walt leave the island? Could it be that Walt has the potential to help the Losties in their mission??? And um... polar bear??

One more thing of note-- this episode featured a science class where the kids are studying volcanoes. Unnecessary? Methinks not. The teacher clearly states this island was made by a volcano... casting serious doubt on theories that the island is an artificial construct, exists bewteen realities, or isn't really an island at all, but the noggin of a giant underwater sea creature.

Things to watch for in the final two episodes, according to me.

Charlie's Piano. If Charlie really is going to die, as the previews suggest, then wouldn't you think the writers would give him a bit of joy before he meets his maker? We saw Jack playing a piano in the Others camp. And we know from Charlie's flashback that he was devastated when his brother sold his mother's piano. Could a reunion give Charlie some peace?

Of course, I could be totally off.

Jack and Juliet's Plan. The plan can't involve fighting The Others. We know the Others possess knockout gas, and possibly a killer biological weapon, so staying at the beach and fighting is not a great option. What can they do? Run. And Hide. Every hatch on the island has "Quarantine" written on the inside. Could the Losties use those hatches as refuge from a hostile attack?

Eko's Stick. Did you see how many phrases are written on that thing? Eko may be dead, but his stick lives on. "Lift up your eyes and look north" is just the first of many important messages the stick holds.

Rousseau's Dynamite. In "The Brig" two weeks ago, we saw her take a whole case of dynamite. I'm guessing that in the next two episodes, we get to see some of it explode.

I can't wait.
Why We Need Better Sex Ed

Poorly Drawn Cartoon
Kids Today...

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a dumb question, but I really need to know the answer. Can you get pregnant when your breasts are still underdeveloped?

My boyfriend says you can't, but I need to know for sure. I'm afraid to keep birth control in my room because my little sister, who I have to share a room with, constantly snoops through my stuff when I'm not there. She would be sure to show it to our parents if she found it because she loves to get me in trouble, so I really need to know the answer to this. -- QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA
Yes, I read "Dear Abby" everyday. But that's besides the point. Abby answers "Questioning's" question a bit too forgivingly I think...

DEAR QUESTIONING: There is no such thing as a "dumb" question.

Your boyfriend is mistaken. Breast development has nothing to do with whether a girl can become pregnant. The onset of a young woman's menstrual cycle has everything to do with it. Under no circumstances should you have unprotected sex. Not only will it place you at risk for pregnancy, but also for sexually transmitted infections.
I just would have wrote... listen dummy, your boyfriend is a liar who just wants to get his rocks off. Send him packing before he sends you to the maternity ward. You don't want no baby mama drama!!

Ah, I should have an advice column.

Also... why's this girl WRITING DEAR ABBY about this? There's not one person she knows who can answer this question (in a more timely fashion, perhaps)?

And a couple days ago I read the most shocking Dear Abby column:

DEAR ABBY: Please help me to warn your readers about an alarming trend happening in the teenage community: prom babies. I first heard about it while driving my teenage daughter to a lacrosse meet with several of her girlfriends. One girl in the car, "Carrie," said she hoped this year she could have a prom baby. The girls were discussing two former classmates from last year's lacrosse team who had been unable to begin college because they had both become mothers at 17.

Both had deliberately planned to get pregnant on prom night -- hence the term, "prom baby." Abby, both of the girls were studious and hard-working with bright futures ahead of them. One had been accepted to several Ivy League schools. Needless to say, their parents were devastated, and many adjustments had to be made for the new babies.

My daughter later told me that several of her other friends were considering trying to get pregnant near prom time so they, too, wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of going to college. Apparently, parents are less strict about their children's whereabouts on prom night and let their teens spend the night in a hotel or at mixed-gender sleepovers.

I thought this sad trend might be local to our area, but during a class reunion in California I learned the trend may be nationwide. One of my oldest friends, "Dana," confided during the reunion that she had become a grandmother at 43 due to her daughter having a prom baby.

As prom night approaches, please warn parents to talk with their children about the responsibilities of premarital sex and the dangers of a prom baby. -- WORRIED DAD IN ALPHARETTA, GA.
I mean... sure having a prom baby sounds cool. But when you stop and think about it, wouldn't you rather be partying at college than changing diapers? I'll take beer pong over poopy huggies any day.

Maybe I'm just old and out of touch. Maybe you're just not cool anymore unless you've got a newborn to match with your pink rhinestone-studded T-moblie sidekick. A girl's got to accessorize, after all.

Remember when girls used to not slut it up all the time? Why'd I have to be born back then??

Welcome to Paris Hilton's America.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team Update

Homerun Hebrews

The All-Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team is now 1-0 on the season.

Led by Shawn Green's .320 AVG, 2B, HR, 5 R, 5 RBI, 4 BB and a SB, the Major League Jews mounted a come-from-behind rally to defeat an Atlanta-Braves-fan fantasy team, putting the hebrew heroes in a tie for 1st Place in the division.

Despite Green's big week, the 1st Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week Award goes to Brad Ausmus, who pleasantly defied expectations with a .438 AVG, a double, 4 runs, 3 BB, and a stolen base.

Ausome Ausmus

Monday, May 07, 2007

Paris In Jail

Let The Male Fantasies Begin...

LOS ANGELES - In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton has described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted.

She also fired her spokesman, veteran publicist Elliot Mintz, whom she blamed for getting her into the mess.
I can just imagine Paris's thoughts...

"It's not my fault I drove drunk numerous times and never showed up at my court-mandated alcohol-awareness classes! I was too busy making new sex tapes and saying "That's Hot" a lot."

"It was all that damn Jew's fault. He should have stopped me from driving without a license. How was I supposed to know that by signing a document acknowledging that my license was suspended, that I wasn't allowed to drive? I'm not a rocket scientist."

"It's so unfair!! They're just doing this to me because I'm a celebrity. Sure, most people who do this sort of thing spend 90 days in jail instead of 45, but I'm not most people! I'm hot. You can't do this to hot people!"

"I guess this is a country where a celebrity can't drive drunk without her headlights on. Geesh. Like, lighten up. It's not like I killed anybody. Except for that one guy... But he was ugly so he didn't matter. Anyways, this isn't the America I want to live in. Whatever happened to home of the free? Land of the brave? All that crap???"

[UPDATE] Paris rehired the publicist the ridiculously blamed for her own actions. She has also started an online petition begging Governor Terminator to set her free.

"f the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect the governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton."
Well, at least she's not comparing herself to Jesus... yet.
The Rocket Man Returns

Roger Clemens

Sorry about that weird two line post that got cut off and seemed to advertise for Cingular. I was at the yankee game, with my uncle, his client and a friend, and Roger Clemens shocked everyone and declared he was coming back to the Yanks (which I later found out, took 28 million and perks up to wazoo). I got excited. I wanted to be the first to break the story on my blog. So I tried to publish an entry by cell phone. Clearly, it didn't work.

The Yankee-Seattle game had already seen its share of historic firsts. The first time Darrell Rasner pitched a good game. The first time Wil Nieves and Josh Phelps combined to start a bench clearing brawl. The first time this season that a jelly doughnut slowed down the 4 train (in the daily "Subway Race game on the jumbotron).

Then the bottom of the seventh was about to start. "America the Beautiful" played, then "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" started up. Right after "peanuts and crackerjacks," the song suddenly cut off. Bob Sheppard, the Yankees 200-year old announcer, told the crowd to direct its attention to the owners box behind home plate for an important announcement. Then, on the jumbotron, Roger's face appeared.

It took me a split second to realize it was him. The Rocket. The guy I saw win the 300th game of his career at Yankee stadium. But the crowd started chanting "Roger! Roger! Roger! Roger!" The Rocket said he'd see us again real soon. Highlights played to the sound of Elton John's "Rocket Man." Steinbrenner had done it. He'd buoyed the hopes of every Yankee fan and sunk the hearts of every Red Sox Asshole (hey.. they LIKE that nickname, ok?) And it only cost him 4.5 million a month. Plus, Roger gets to ride Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman like a horse whenever he feels like it.

It was a monumental day for the Yankees. People are already predicting he'll have 12-15 wins and an ERA of around 3.00-- helping the Yanks win the pennant. That's pretty super for a 44 year old. Hell, it's super for a 25 year old.

Interesting side note. Roger will now be on the same team as A-Rod, whom he infamously knocked down twice in the ALCS while picthing for the Yanks. Of course, Clemens also threw a pitch at his own son's head, so I'm sure it was nothing personal. These two should get along.

Rocket, welcome back.

P.S. ESPN's Page 2 featured this great animation.

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