Friday, August 21, 2009

Hot Lesbian Sex

Mila and Natalie, In Love.

Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman Have Ecstacy-Induced Angry Sex In New Darren Aronofsky Film

I want to see Darren Aronofsky's new film because... er... I liked Pi so much.

Of course, knowing how the real world works, chances are Natalie and Mila's scene will be disappointing. Because, you know, its an R-rated film and not late night Skin-emax. But it's a pretty hot combo.

Let's take a look at the most hyped Hollywood hottie lesbian scenes:

1. Selma Blair & Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cruel Intentions

OMG! Buffy! Let's face it. Without this scene, there pretty much isn't any point to Cruel Intentions. Yeah, Ryan Phillipe made the girls swoon, but there was no way any self-respecting guy would watch this movie until he heard about "the kiss." And yeah, its hot and all (that little line of spittle that tells you this was no "stage" kiss), but it's really not worth sitting through all 97 minutes.

2. Denise Richards and Neve Campbell, Wild Things

Wild Things came out my freshman year in high school, though I wasn't able to see it until a year or so later, when it came out on cable. Before that moment, I heard again and again how the chick from Party of Five sluts it up in a threesome. When I finally saw it, I thought to myself... take off the damn shirt! Neve never does. And while Denise Richards is fine and all, it's like looking at a naked barbie doll. Except more plastic. And no one wants Matt Dillon to be a part of their hot-girl-on-girl action.

Wild Things

3. Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson, Vicky Christina Barcelona

Scarlett Johansson = Hot. Penelope Cruz = Hot. Sitting through a movie with no redeeming characters, an aimless plot, and an open-ended ending, when there's not even any Scar-jo - P-cruz nudity? Not hot. This is the extent of the much hyped "lesbian scene." At least the movie didn't include some lecherous old guy pursuing an underage girl... like every other Woody Allen film.

4. Bridget Moynahan and Heather Graham, Grey Matters

I have very few complaints about this scene, actually. Bridget Moynahan is beautiful even with her clothes on, and that drunken kiss goes on forever. Beggars can't be choosers.

But unless you're interested in a lesbian coming-out story that features Alan Cumming in drag and Molly Shannon not in character as Mary Catherine Gallagher, the rest of this movie will probably just leave you wondering: how in the hell could Tom Brady break up with Bridget Moynahan?? Come on! She's the mother of your child!!! I don't care if Gisele has the sexy accent. Dick.

5.Winona Ryder and Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow, Friends

Now this is what I call, Must See TV. Ah, sweeps season. Gotta love it.

Sure, there's plenty more where that came from. But keep these moments in mind when debating whether to see Aronofsky's new film. Just because there's two major hotties going at it, that doesn't guarantee it'll be worth the $11 ticket. In fact, if history shows anything, directors tend to take the rest of the film off after seeing something like this.

And Tom Brady, you suck.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Stop The Madness

This Poster Is Outrageous
Stop Comparing The First Black President To Hitler, Please

Nazi Health Care Plan: Unless you're white, blonde haired, blue eyed and Christian, you're sent to a death camp, where you'll be told to take a shower. The shower will actually be toxic gas. You will be killed.

Obama's Health Care Plan: If you have health insurance, good for you. If you don't have health insurance, you'll be covered by the government's health insurance plan, which is good enough for most of the world's developed countries.

Now, these health care plans don't seem too similar. One involves Zyklon B and Nazi soldiers forcing emaciated Jews to dig trenches for their own soon-to-be-shot bodies. The other makes sure that if you get sick, you can be treated at a hospital and not worry about medical bills forcing you into bankruptcy. One aims to clear Europe of 10 million people... the other aims to provide free health care to 50 million people currently too poor to afford annual checkups. We're not exactly comparing apples to apples here, or even apples to oranges. This is more like apples to ostriches.

Yet, Obama's health care plan has resulted in this reaction:

Woman yells "Zeig Heil!" at Obama Heath Care supporter:

And this...

And this...

Obama's Health Care Logo Looks Like Hitler's!
Courtesy of Glenn Beck

And this...
"This notion is fully in the spirit of the partisans of efficiency but came from a program instituted in Hitler's Germany called Aktion T-4. Under this program, elderly people with incurable diseases, young children who were critically disabled, and others who were deemed non-productive, were euthanized. This was the Nazi version of efficiency, a pitiless expulsion of the "unproductive" members of society in the most expeditious way possible."

And finally, this...

Man Carries Assault Rifle To Obama Event

Look, I realize "liberals" got carried away too, when Bush was in charge. I'm pretty sure more than a few Nazi references were thrown towards the Patriot Act and Guantanamo Bay. But in those cases, we were talking about the government creating secret "camps" where people of a certain religion were being sent without trial to be tortured, and surveillance of citizens' lives without a warrant. The Nazi comparisons, however overblown, were at least apt.

But comparing a program designed to save millions of lower income or unemployed Americans from a lifetime of traumatic health issues to a program designed to slaughter innocent people? Comparing government provided health insurance to genocide? Painting a Hitler mustache on a poster of Obama? Yelling Zeig Heil, the Nazi salute (while apparently wearing an Israeli Defense Forces T-Shirt)!?! Have these people gone nuts?!?!?!

There are no death panels. And even if you horribly misinterpreted the end of life counseling provision in the bill, guess what? It's been erased. This is simple, people. If you have health insurance, great, you're good. Sit back and relax. If you don't, now you do. And it may not be perfect (those breast implants will still cost you), but its a damn sight better than what you have now. Which is nothing.

And if you're one of those people who worries about the pennies being taken from your paycheck, consider this. Those pennies are nothing compared to the billions the government already spends on healthcare (and already taxes you for)... money they have to spend because uninsured people never go to the doctor, so their minor ailments become major ones, and then their care ends up costing ten times more than what it would have. Most of the world's been having free health care for years, and they haven't collapsed. The for-profit system benefits huge insurance companies... and if you want to see how, just watch John Grisham's The Rainmaker for crying out loud. I'm not expecting you to watch Michael Moore's Sicko. Frankly, that guy freaks me out too.

So save the Nazi talk for Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds. And start getting on board Obama's plan to save you money and save 50 million people.

Monday, August 17, 2009

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