Minnesota Paper, MSNBC Invent Horoscope Horror



So yesterday, I almost had a heart attack. I read an article on MSNBC that claimed Zodiac signs had recently changed, due to "Earth's wobble." Yes, because of Earth's weak cankles, I was no longer a Gemini.

This was like learning my dad isn't really my dad, or that I've secretly been living in a giant snow globe all my life. Hell no, I am not a damn Taurus.

I wasn't the only one who panicked. According to Yahoo, searches on "zodiac signs" went through the roof.

The original report apparently came from the Minnesota Star Tribune:

"When [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it's really not in Pisces," said Parke Kunkle, a board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society.

But this morning, Kunkle's quote was proved to be total baloney. According to Yahoo, Kunkle's statement was based on a form of Eastern astrology, called Sidereal astrology. We use the sensible kind of astrology, Western astrology.

"It's a huge point of confusion for the public," says Bing Quock, assistant director of Morrison Planetarium at the California Academy of Sciences. For those who follow Western astrology, "astrologers are not talking about the constellations at all. When an astrologer says the sun is in a certain sign, they're talking about the sign, the location relative to the equinox. They're not talking about the location of the constellations. "

A recent shift in Eastern astrology signs would still be considered some sort of news, if not the panic-inducing variety. However... it's not new news. The shift happened thousands of years ago and Eastern astrology accounted for the shift with the advent of modern astronomy hundreds of years ago.

What's the deal, Star Tribune and MSNBC? Slow news day? Couldn't interview the Arizona shooter's neighbor's cousin's best friend's manicurist's dry cleaner? Media organizations should have to pay a fine for upsetting people with bullcrap articles. And they should pay it to me.

Clearly, the lesson here is never trust a man named Parke Kunkle. Instead, trust people named Bing Quock.

New Facebook Profile Oddity

My Facebook profile was recently updated... and I find one thing a little bit odd:

Picture Censored To Protect Privacy, Potential Embarrassment

Why is it necessary to identify my family members as (male) or (female) in such a prominent way? Most everyone on Facebook lists their sex on their profile, but nowhere else on the site does someone's sex appear directly next to his or her name. I could understand it if this were Pat, or Alex, or Dee Snider, but Mark and Adam? I think it's pretty obvious they're not ladies.

Someone from Facebook care to explain this strange design choice?

Snowpocalypse!!!!

On the left is the final image of the 2004 blockbuster movie The Day After Tomorrow. On the right, is the current coverage of snow across North America (click to enlarge).

Bygads! Why, oh why didn't we listen to Al Gore, Roland Emmerich and Jake Gyllenhaal?? Now, certainly, a Russian freighter will somehow beach itself in front of the New York Public Library and scores of super-strength wolves will attack us.

And I didn't even get a snow day today!

In Space, No One Can Hear You Yerkin It



The recent auction of a Playboy centerfold smuggled aboard Apollo 12's spaceflight to the moon raises a potentially sticky question for NASA... has anyone masturbated in space?

NASA, predictably, has remained mum on the subject. But according to a blog published by the Houston Chronicle, Apollo 11 command module pilot Michael Collins wrote in a book that:

"One doctor advised regular masturbation, advice [Skylab crew member] Joe [Kerwin] ignored."

If NASA doctors were advising it, then it's likely someone other than Joe Kerwin followed doctor's orders. And, um... how exactly did Collins verify Kerwin's story?

According to space habitat architect Constance Adams, erections are difficult to achieve in zero gravity because "blood tends to collect in the head and feet." But ask any guy who's been in the freezing cold ocean when a rogue wave pops some sunbunny's top off, and they'll tell you that "difficult" and "impossible" are not the same thing.

I Was In The Pool!!!!

And that doesn't rule out female masturbation. Women may not be as horny as men, but Sally Ride had to at least be curious.

As Drew Magary of the sports/whimsy website Deadspin wrote this week, "If you have a confined space to yourself, THAT IS ACCEPTABLE JERKING SPACE."

In any case, its likely that even if Apollo 12 crew member Richard Gordon didn't spend his alone time in the orbiting command module playing the pink trombone, at some point in the 42 years Gordon has possessed the picture, he or another male member of his family probably stretched the skin slinky to it.

In that case, whoever bids $1000 or more on this thing is buying used merchandise. Moon dust might not be the only residue to come up under a microscope.

Just something for collectors to consider.

Viva La Mexico!

"At the site of the double murder in the morning, one officer dabbed at a pool of blood and body fluid on the driveway with a stick; another picked up a piece of flesh and playfully tossed it at a companion."

From the New York Times: Bit by Bit, a Mexican Police Force Is Eradicated

Its a good time to be a drug cartel in Mexico, that's for sure.