Thursday, August 04, 2005

Shine On Jarett Macli, Shine On

When I was a sophomore in high school, our JV football coach was a man named Jarett Macli.

Now, when I say "man," I mean Macli was 25, a recent college dropout, back at the old high school he used to go to, in order to make some cash and relive some of his glory days on the football field. He was a kicker. He didn't shave that often. He was INTENSE.

One game, we were up 14-0 at halftime. We gathered around Macli for some words of wisdom. He kneeled down in the middle of us as we stood in a circle, and shook his head.

"Do you guys love football?" He asked.

There were a few mumbled "Yeahs."

He shook his head again. He looked up at us with a bloodshot, crazed look in his eyes. "You guys gotta love football. You guys gotta dream football. You guys gotta breathe football."

At this point, he looked over at Osita "O-Train" Mbadugha. Osita's knee was skinned, glistening red and pink in the dull afternoon light.

Macli reached out.

"You gotta taste football."

And with that, in one swift, shocking motion, he wiped Osita's wound with his dirty fingers, brought his hand back, now covered in blood and a scrap of skin, and licked it clean. "Now get back out there!!!" He shouted.

We lost miserably.

I thought Macli was the only one in the world insane enough to do such a thing (last I heard, he was running a winery in New England) but today, I read this:

Football Coach Licks Wounds

Macli's spirit lives on.

Shine on, Jarett Macli, wherever you are, Shine on.
Smokey says...


Only YOU can stop... growing marijuana in my forest, asshole!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Beer Pong Banned!

No Beer Pong in Belmar! What will the Fun Police do next? Outlaw nude sunbathing???

Actually, judging by those pictures, maybe the second law isn't so bad.

Belmar has officially become the no fun capital of the jersey shore. First they close Belmar Playland and Mini Golf to put up condos, then they outlaw beer pong. Next to go... Bar A???


This is like the 20th hot teacher to have sex with a student this year. Is there something in the water or are kids these days just raging lotharios?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Steroid

Rafael Palmeiro

"I have never used steroids, period." -Rafael Palmeiro, to Congress

"Well, when I said 'period,' I actually meant, 'knowingly.'" -Rafael Palmeiro, this week.

Here's My proposed steroid rules for baseball:

Rule 1: Players are responsible for all chemicals found in their bodies. They are responsible for knowing whether or not a supplement has illegal steroids in it. "Not knowing" is no longer an acceptable excuse.

Rule 2: Three strikes you're out is baseball-talk. The steroids policy will be two-strikes, you're out... of baseball, for good, including the Hall-O-Fame. They kicked Shoeless out, and Pete Rose out, and neither of them tarnished baseball the way steroid users have this past decade.

Rule 3: A first offense will result in a month suspension, regardless of the reasons behind a positive test. A player can appeal the suspension only by immediately consenting to a retest. A player can shorten the suspension only by getting a clean result on the retest and by speaking to schoolchildren about the dangers of steroids.

Rule 4: All records of all players who test positive for steroids shall be considered null and void. Welcome back, Roger Maris, to the top of record books.

Rule 5: Bud Selig, baseball commissioner, is hereby demoted to "Official Hot Dog Salesperson." The new commisioner will be Mr. Met, that lovable New York mascot.

Meet the Commish

Rule 6: The Philly Fanatic will serve as new MLB spokesperson. Anna Benson will serve me.

Player's Hot Wife

Rule 7: All Boston Fans who chant "2000" at Yankees fans will be summarily shot. It's been four years... we're not sweatin.


Rule 8: Jose Canseco shall be appointed "Man in Charge of Outing Steroid Users." He is also hereby banned from appearing on his own Reality TV show, "No Way Jose."

O Say Canseco, By the Dawns early light...

Rule 9: The "Giambi Rule." Those who test positive for steroids a first time must publicly apologize, saying the following phrase. "I am sorry I used steroids. I set a poor example for our nation's youth, and betrayed my fans. I will work to regain your trust, and will humbly serve out my suspension. Thank you." Any other statement that may fall short of a full admission of responsibility will be deemed unacceptable and will make the player and his less talented brother subject to a one year ban.

Less Talented Brother

Rule 10: Any MLB staff, personel, or officials found guilty of hiding steroid evidence, witholding information about players using steroids, or providing assistance in beating drug tests shall be fired and made to do the chicken dance at the seventh inning stretch.

She's doing the chicken dance.. ok, blatant gratuitous hot girl
((gratuitous hot girl doing the chicken dance))

Rule 11: If these rules are adopted, I get a free front row seat for every game, next to the dugout on the first base side. And a free beer dammit.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Lost In Space

Monkey business

Our space program is so great. Really. We landed on the moon, we put a space station in orbit, we have two remote controlled cars driving around Mars, and we just found out there might be a tenth planet.

Yet, this kind of stuff disturbs me:

From the AP:

NASA says the protruding material on Discovery's belly could cause dangerous overheating during re-entry and lead to another Columbia-type disaster.

The agency planned to put astronaut Stephen Robinson on the end of the space station's 58-foot robotic arm Wednesday for the improvised maneuver. Astronauts inside the station will maneuver the arm so Robinson can reach the shuttle's belly.

Once there, he'll tug out the ceramic-fabric filler with his gloved hands. If that doesn't work, he'll use a makeshift hacksaw to cut away the material, which is sticking out about an inch from two spots near Discovery's nose. The saw was improvised out of a blade, plastic ties, duct tape, Velcro and other items aboard the space station.

"I am pretty comfortable with using tools very carefully," Robinson said early Tuesday during a crew news conference. "But no doubt about it, this is going to be a very delicate task. But as I say, a simple one."

The protruding bits of gap filler are small — one is about the thickness of an index card and the other is the size of three index cards bonded together.

"There won't be any yanking going on at all," Robinson said. "It will be a gentle pull with my hand. If that doesn't work, I have some forceps. I will give it a slightly more than gentle pull. If that doesn't work, I saw it off with a hacksaw."

Deputy shuttle program manager Wayne Hale says if none of the proposed methods work, there will likely be some head scratching for a day. However, he says the agency will find another method and try the repair again Thursday or Friday.
So. To recap, the plan to save the space shuttle from disaster is:

Plan A: Yank it.
Plan B: Yank it really hard.
Plan C: Cut it with a saw made out of... velcro and duct tape??
Plan D: Scratch head.

What's next? Using wads of chewing gum?

No one thought.. hmm, maybe give these guys a toolbox?

Sometimes I think NASA engineers may have watched "Apollo 13" too many times.

Sounds like there still are monkeys in the space program.

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