Rachael Ray Is A Terrorist




By Robbie Republican

My dear patriots, we have been on quite a journey these past few years, ever since 9/11 showed us how jellyfish-spined liberals could lead to the end of the world as we know it. But even in our age of increased vigilance, it's often easy to overlook some of the gravest threats to our nation. While the blue state elitists distract us by forcing hard-working American farmers to grow abortion pills instead of corn, subliminal messages are being sent to our nation's impresionable minds through the television airwaves. And not just in pinko programs like "Sex in the City."

I wish the only station that existed was Fox News, and that the only commercials were for wholesome, family products like AK-47s and those Left Behind books. But unfortunately, the vast majority of Americans unwittingly expose themselves to television programming specifically designed to turn ordinary citizens into terrorists.

Case in point: Rachael Ray's Dunkin' Donuts Commercials



Now, an ordinary, perfectly sane American may see the commerical and believe it's just an innocent advertisement for coffee. But look closer. Look what's around Rachael Bin la... I mean Rachael Ray's neck:



That's right, the exact same keffiyeh, or "terrorist scarf" that Yasser Arafat wore. I'm not sure where she got it, but reliable sources tell me that Ray once trained in a Sudanese terror camp, where I can only assume she met up with influential Islamic cell leaders.

Need more proof Rachael Ray is in bed with Bin Laden?



That's right. There she is with Bin Laden's best friend, Bill "9-11" Clinton.

I'd like to thank political genius Michelle Malkin for pointing out all this to me. I actually am ashamed to say I used to drink Dunkin Donuts coffee, because the fat man they used to use in their commercials reminded me of a heavier, older version of a nice German gentleman I used to know who had some wonderful, if a bit poorly executed, ideas about how to get rid of liberals.



Now that I know better, I'm on the lookout for other subliminal messages trying to turn the good people of America into terrorist zombies. I believe I found one earlier today:



Yes, the Charmin Bear. At first, I didn't see anything. But then I noticed that the way the bear is holding the toilet paper, it almost looks like a keffiyeh. Almost exactly like a keffiyeh. So I looked deeper. And deeper. And the closer I looked, the more I became horrified by what I saw...



Kill USA??? A Hammer and Sickle?? What is he really selling, I wonder. Toilet paper?

Or TERROR???!!

So to you, my brave soliders, I say, be careful about what you watch. Especially if it's on one of those souless idol-worshipping stations, like NBC. And don't use Charmin anymore. Or any toilet paper for that matter. It's just not safe. Do what I do. Use the New York Times.

Till next time, my conservative warriors. Stay strong, and stay right.

"Gads" For Dads and Grads
Best Tech Gadget Gifts For Father's Day and Graduation

My latest MSN piece:



Enjoy!

Other gift ideas that didn't make it into the final article:

For Dads:



The “Grill Master”: Dad makes the best hamburgers in the neighborhood, but even he could use some help. The Char-broil Commercial Series Infrared Gas Grill uses an infrared burner system that eliminates flare-ups that cook food unevenly. An 810 sq. inch stainless steel cooking area provides room for approximately 36 burgers, and a 13,000 BTU side stove with griddle is perfect for heating sauces or vegetables. $499 at lowes.com.



The "Couch Potato”: After eating all that meat, Dad might need to hit the gym. He can work out at home using Wii Fit for the Nintendo Wii. The game uses a wireless peripheral called the Wii Balance Board, which measures body mass index and helps players perform more than 40 different exercises, including step aerobics, yoga, even simulated skiing. $89.99 + Nintendo Wii ($294.99) at gamestop.com.



“Mr. Fix It”: Every craftsman needs a cordless drill, and the Makita 18V Compact Lithium-Ion Cordless ½ inch Driver-Drill Kit packs the most power in a light package, providing 450 pounds of torque while weighing in at a measly 3.5 pounds. And it only takes 15 minutes to charge the battery. $201 at homedepot.com



"The Traveling Salesman": When Dad's on the road, he might miss all those shows he watches at home. Help alleviate the homesickness with the Sling Media Slingbox Pro. The device connects to your cable or satellite box at home, and beams the signal through the internet to your mobile phone or laptop. $249.99 at circuitcity.com.



"The Outdoorsman": You've heard of the old idiom "carrot and stick," but the folks at Element 21 took it literally. They built their E21 Carrot Stix Fishing Rods with a composite material containing 70% cellulose fibers extracted from—you guessed it—carrots. The result is a lightweight, but durable fishing rod that won the Freshwater Rod award and overall Best of Show at the 2007 American Sportfishing Association's annual convention. $149.95 at e21fishing.com.

For Grads:



Beach Bum: After four grueling years of college—which involved no partying whatsoever—your graduate deserves to relax. This summer, they can lounge poolside or on the beach listening to their iPod on the weather-resistant BoomBucket Portable Music System. Unlike many other iPod docks, a clear cover protects the iPod from harm. The bucket doubles as a portable iPod charger. $150.00 at brookstone.com



The Blogger: Whether your son or daughter is the next TalkingPointsMemo or the next Washingtonienne, they'll need a laptop computer to type up their story. For Apple fans, there's the MacBook Air, one of the lightest laptop computers on the market, good for when reporting breaking news from the field. For PC lovers, Lenovo's ThinkPad X300 is nearly as thin and light as the Air, and includes a DVD burner drive. Air, $1799 at apple.com. Thinkpad, $2799.99 at compusa.com.



The Amateur Photographer: Your graduate has an eye for the perfect picture—just check out those photos they posted on Facebook. The Sony Cybershot W170 Digital Camera has 10.1 megapixel resolution, a 5x optical zoom, face recognition and anti-blur, plus "Smile Shutter" technology—which can automatically capture the moment your subject is smiling or laughing. $299.99 at bestbuy.com



The Traveler: Many graduates want to see the world before settling into a job. Make sure they don't get lost. The Garmin nuvi GPS Navigation touch-screen devices are small enough to fit in your pocket and come loaded with road maps and millions of points of interest for North America. The top of the line 750 model includes an MP3 player, audio book player, picture viewer, and a currency converter. Optional features include traffic alerts and a subscription to MSN Direct content. $250 - $600 at garmin.com.



The Pod Person: Wherever your grad goes, they'll probably need some portable entertainment. Not much needs to be said about the iPod Nano, the latest in the line of Apple's popular MP3 players. The slim, palm-sized player comes in six different colors and both the 4 GB and 8 GB models have plenty of room for your graduate's collection of music, TV shows, movies and podcasts. $149 at apple.com.

Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Week 9

I've been busy the last few weeks with birthdays, graduations, and yes, actual work. So I didn't check in on the "semites of swat" lately. And I should have, because while I was reveling in the joy of springtime, my ragtag crew of yamulke-wearing sluggers were putting on an impressive show. Like Moses triumphing over the Pharaoh, or David slaying Goliath, the Major League Jews have overcome incredible mismatches to find themselves tied for 1st place in the East division after 8 weeks.

Their run for the top began in week 6, when the Koufax Kids beat "Coming From Behind," 232-190. Kevin "The Knish" Youkilis easily took home the Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week award with a 12 for 32, 3 2B, 5 HR, 8 R, 10 RBI, BB, SB performance.

Sox 'em Rocks 'em came to town in week 7, but soon discovered that a team featuring David Ortiz and Josh Hamilton was no match for a chosen squad led by Ryan Braun and Ian Kinsler. Braun's 50 points (10 for 29, 2B, 3B, 6 HR, 8 R, 10 RBI, BB) tied with Lance Berkman for the team lead, and helped the Team Temple to a 269-222 victory. Braun's running out of room on his shelf for all the Sluggin' Semite of the Week awards he's collected.

The Mitzvah Men came back down to earth in a week 8 matchup against cmobaseball. An injury to Moises Alou, and weak performances all around spelled the end of the winning streak (some bad gefilte fish is rumored to be at fault). Only Ian Kinsler, who opted for the chopped liver instead, came through when needed. He only hit .243, but had a double, 3 HR, 6 R, 8 RBI, a BB and a SB, good for 36 points. Kinsler wins the Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite Award for week 8.

This week, the Tallis Troop faces wyometslover, whom they defeated in week 2. A victory could mean sole posession of first place in the division, while a loss would be worse than a broken sauna at the JCC. Stay tuned for more.

Division Standings:
--------------------------W L T PTS
Chipperfan08............4-4-0 1742
Major League Jews....4-4-0 1598
cmoBaseball.............2-6-2 1600
wyometslover............1-7-3 1617