Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Are The Japanese On Drugs??

Not A Halloween Costume

They brought us unparalelled technology, ushering in the age of handheld electronics and sophisticated automobiles. Sony, Toyota, Mitsubishii... the Japanese always seem to be on the leading edge. Which is why this New York Times article about a new Japanese fashion trend is so disturbing.

Apparently, the Japanese are so afraid of crime, that people are developing disguises that can fool would-be muggers into thinking their victim is a coke machine.


Now... I'm not a mugger. So I can't pretend to know what they think. But if I see a guy dressed as a coke machine, I'm probably MORE LIKELY to kick the shit out of them. It's just so damn tempting.

Not to mention the embarassment that can ensue when someone accuses you of eating their quarters.

Take the “manhole bag,” a purse that can hide valuables by unfolding to look like a sewer cover. Lay it on the street with your wallet inside, and unwitting thieves are supposed to walk right by.
Um, yes... walk right by. After snatching the odd-looking manhole-shaped purse from it's easy pickins placement on the street.

I sincerely hope this is some kind of joke. Because if it isn't, then I suspect some Japanese may be slippin a little somethin extra into their sake.

“It is just easier for Japanese to hide,” Ms. Tsukioka said. “Making a scene would be too embarrassing.” She said her vending machine disguise was inspired by a trick used by the ancient ninja, who cloaked themselves in black blankets at night.
Oh.. yes. Dressing as a coke machine? Not embarrassing at all. In fact, it's just what the ninjas would do... if they wanted to fight an army of sentient vending machines.

“These ideas might strike foreigners as far-fetched,” she added, “but in Japan, they can become reality.”
Then again, maybe she does have a point. I'm sure many people thought the idea of a Furby was pretty far-fetched. Maybe the Coke-machine disguise will catch on.

And even if it doesn't, it'll make a hell of a Halloween costume.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Political Joke Contest!!

Tricky Dick
Why Is This Man Laughing?

My uncle, whom I love, is unfortunately a republican. Yes, he is still invited to family functions, and despite his political leanings, he's a good man. But every so often he emails some anti-Democrat jokes. He sent one out recently, and I decided to send him a Republican joke back. But looking on the web... I couldn't really find any good Republican jokes. I remember hearing them time and time again, but the ones I found on the web were pretty lame (This site had a few zippy ones). So I decided to attempt to create my own Republican jokes. I'm a writer, I'm somewhat funny... how hard could it be?

My first attempt:

A republican congressman walks into the airport bathroom and sits down in a stall. While he's doing his business, he looks down and notices the man in the stall next door tapping his foot. Worrying that it might be an invitation for gay sex, the republican quickly gets up and dashes out. He's immediately apprehended by the police. "I didn't proposition anyone for gay sex!" the republican insists. "We know," the cop says. "But you still murdered that hooker."


Well. No, not really. I tried to think of something clever for the punchline, but everything I thought of was pretty lame.

This is hard work. I moved on and tried another one...

Dick Cheney and a monkey are sitting in a tree. Suddenly, the monkey throws a coconut at Dick. "Hey, watch it!' Cheney yells. The monkey throws another coconut at him. "I'm warning you!" Dick shakes his fist at the monkey. After a moment, the monkey throws yet another coconut. "That's it!" Cheney yells. "I'm gonna kick your ass, I don't care if you are the President!"

Ha!! Now that's a little better. No?

Finally, I went for something more complex. Yes! Puns!

A republican senator moved to a farm in Iowa to gain an advantage in the upcoming Presidential primaries. He'd never farmed before, so he decided to ask his neighbor for some advice. "Well," the neighbor said, "You'll need to buy a good hoe, spread some bull shit, and plow a pasture." The republican got excited. "I know plenty of hookers, and I can bullshit with the best of them, but where can I find a pastor?"

Bingo!!! No? Not funny? Well, lets see you do better.

In fact, you, know, that's a great idea! There's so few original, good, current political jokes out there. Everyone seems to be copying and pasting the same few old ones. So, dear readers, show off your wit and wackiness by writing a brief joke of your own!!

The best joke, chosen by me, will receive a free t-shirt with their joke displayed proudly on it.

So get writin'

A few suggestions...

- Start off with a typical joke beginning, like, "A republican walks into a bar..."

- Don't get too preachy. Half the "jokes" I read on the web were actually valid, unfunny criticisms of the government. Monkeys throwing coconuts is funny. People dying in the Sudan... not so much.

- Keep it simple. The longer a joke goes on, the more I get bored. That punchline better be a hoot if I'm going to read four paragraphs.

I look forward to reading all .5 of your entries.

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