Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This Is A Really Freaky Video

What's In The Box?

I found this through's Jeff Jensen, who theorizes that it (and it's accompanying websites) could possibly be part of some Lost universe created by fans. It definitely has that creepy Lost vibe. Can't you just picture that camera swinging around and revealing Daniel Faraday??

Of course, it could just be a very elaborate Sony Ericcson/Videogame Commercial.

If you're like, shaking now, really freaked out, then just watch Susan Boyle below and get back to a healthy equilibrium.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

SI Loves Mike Jacobs

Major League Jews team member Mike Jacobs gets some love on today. Of course, we here at Adam's Life knew about Jacobs for years. He may not actually celebrate Yom Kippur, but he's fast becoming a staple of Jewish Fantasy Baseball players* everywhere.

*Note: I am the only one.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Little Bit Of Waterboarding Never Hurt Anyone

According to Bush Administration documents, two high ranking Al-Qaeda prisonsers held in Guantanamo Bay were waterboarded a combined 226 times.

Waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing the victim on his or her back with the head inclined downwards, and then pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages. By forced suffocation and inhalation of water the subject experiences drowning and is caused to believe they are about to die. It is considered a form of torture by legal experts, politicians, war veterans, intelligence officials, military judges, and human rights organizations. As early as the Spanish Inquisition it was used for interrogation purposes, to punish and intimidate, and to force confessions. --Wikipedia
INT DAY- The Oval Office. George W. Bush is at his desk, playing checkers against an imaginary opponent. He is losing.

Bush: Gosh Darn it!

(a knock on the door)

Bush: Yes, come in.

(CIA official enters)

CIA: Hello Mr. President. I'm back from Guantanemo Bay.

Bush: Excellent. How are Khalid and Abu Zuba.. Zub.. ah I can never get it right.

CIA: Well, we waterboarded them again, as you instructed.

Bush: Great! Great. Any juicy intel?

CIA: Well... Khalid said he once stole a grape at the supermarket. And Abu Zubaydah says when he was five years old, he told his teacher at the madrassa that his favorite color was blue, but it was actually pink. He was afraid the other kids would laugh.

Bush: Haha. Pink. That's it?

CIA: Well... to be honest sir, we're beginning to doubt what more they can tell us. I mean, after the first waterboarding, they told us where Al-Queda's training facilities were in Afghanistan. After the second waterboarding, we got some names of their accomplices. After the third water boarding, they told us about some of Al-Queda's future plans. But... well... after the 60th waterboarding, they kind of ran out of things to say.

Bush: Ran out?

CIA: Well, Khalid told us his Mom's secret recipe for Babaganoush, and Abu Zubaydah revealed that he used the cheat code "Porntipsgizzardo" to earn money in the computer game "Sim City." But after that, we've received very little information.

Bush: Well, what did I tell you the last time? You're just not waterboarding enough. They've got to know where Bin Laden is hiding.

CIA: Mr. President, they've been in our custody for several years. Our intelligence indicates Bin Laden has been moved several times since.

Bush: They've got to know something. How many times have we waterboarded them?

CIA: 224 times combined, sir.

Bush: What did they say the 221st time?

CIA: Khalid stated that he didn't understand the movie "Donnie Darko."

Bush: Never understood it myself. What did Apu say the 222nd time?

CIA: I have the transcript right here. (takes out paper) Ah, here it is. "Please, please, just let me die. I've told you everything. I've even told you the secrets of my relatives and friends. I no longer wish death to America, only death for myself. Please, please stop and just kill me. Please end the pain."

Bush: He's hiding something. Waterboard him again. Khalid too. And ask him about Memento... did the guy really kill his wife with insulin, or was that really Sammy Jenkis?

CIA: (sighs) I'll do my best sir. (exits)

(Bush goes back to his checkerboard, makes a move)

Bush: Darn! You win again!

Jewish Fantasy Baseball - Week 1 and 2 Report

The Major League Jews got off to a good start in week 1, but ultimately couldn't overcome the Grady Sizemore-led "WVRangersbaseball" squad. They fell in a heartbreaker, 223 - 202. Leading the way for the Jew Crew was Ian Kinsler, who went 8 for 23, with 2 HRs and 8 RBIs. The biggest surprise? Kinsler's backup, the usually light-hitting David Eckstein, who earned 15 points batting 5 for 24, with 3 runs scored and 2 RBI. Will Eckstein overtake Kinsler or Khalil Greene in the starting lineup? No. But he did outperform fellow JINO Mike Jacobs, who started in the Utility spot with only 9 points.

Jacobs wasn't the only guy on the team to disappoint however. Gabe Kapler embarassed himself by striking out against the Yankees. Striking out against outfielder Nick Swisher, who hadn't pitched since high school. Yikes, Gabe. Better "soup up" with some matzo balls before the next game.

Week 2 was a triumphant victory for the Stars of David. Fresh off a matzo and macaroon diet, the Homerin Hebrews outplayed "3Cardinals," 241 to 200. The shabbat candles were lit by a Golem-like Ian Kinsler, who earned 56 points in a monster week: 15 for 27, 4 doubles, a triple, 2 HR, 9 R, 6 RBI, 3 BB, and 6 stolen bases. Oh... and I forgot to mention: He hit for the cycle. The first Jew to do so? I don't know. But he was the first ANYONE to hit for the cycle and go 6 for 6 in the same game. Mazel Tov!

Mike Jacobs redeemed a lackluster first week with 39 points: 4 HRs, 6 runs and 8 RBIs. And Eckstein continued to hammer the challah: 20 points on 9 for 21 hitting, 3 doubles, 3 runs and 3 RBI.

This week, the Synagogue Sluggers take on "TheCubs-vs-TheGoat," a team led by Jose Reyes and a disturbing amount of Chicago Cubs players. Elijah Dukes and Brad Ausmus make their Jewish Fantasy Baseball debuts for 2009 (Schneider is on the DL, Schafer is struggling). So give extra to Tzedakah this week, our boys are gonna need all the nachas they can get.
Why I Think Pot Should Still Be Illegal

Seth Rogen is not a realistic boyfriend for Amber Heard

Yoooo, duuuude. It's four-twenty, man. Fore- twen - tee. 420!!! Haha. You guys know what I'm talking about. Well, maybe not you losers. You don't know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you think you know what I'm talking about, but what I'm talking about isn't what you think I'm talking about. Even though I'm not actually talking, I'm writing. But you cool people know what I'm talkin about. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. 420. Gathering together a few of your best buds, putting on some Phish, kickin back and chillin until someone says "I really feel like some White Castle," and you say, "Yeah man, me too," and then you drive there and it takes for-evvv-ver but then you eat some chicken rings dipped in honey mustard and you're like, "Dude, who ever came up with a chicken ring?" And your friend is like, yo, "Check it, I can blow a smoke ring through a chicken ring!" And you're like, "Awesome!"

Ah yes. 420. Like Christmas in April, except you burn trees instead of decorating them. And instead of Santa Claus, there's Seth Rogen. He doesn't come down your chimney, he smokes like one. Trust me, those jokes are wayyy funny if you're high.

But some people want to spend 420 gettin all protesty. Seems they want 420 to be less about a secret club of burners gettin high, and more about petitioning the Federal government to legalize Mary Jane. What a buzzkill.

Why you all out protestin? Come on man. It's 420. Spark it up. If you get busted by the cops, it's because you're being stupid. You stanked up your entire apartment building, and the neighbors called the cops? That's your bad dude. Not everyone likes the smell of weed. If it was legal, you'd still be an asshole for making poor old Miss McGillicutty wear a clothespin on her nose.

You got busted while hotboxing on the Garden State Parkway? That's your bad, dude. Fumbling with a lighter while doing 65 MPH? If pot was legal, you'd still be an idiot for driving while intoxicated.

You got busted while burning at a concert? Dude, cigarettes are banned at most concerts and public gatherings now. And there's some 8 year old with their dad sitting next to you. If weed was legal, you'd still be an asshole for blowing smoke all over people who may not want it.

You think legalized weed would be a free-for-all fun-happy-land with weed at every corner drugstore? Guess what? The government would tax the shit the same as cigarettes, you'd probably be paying just as much as you do now. Grow a plant in your backyard? You could, but when was the last time you grew anything? What are you, Farmer John? You got a degree in botany? Face it dude, you killed that cactus your girlfriend bought you. You'd still be buying from other people.

We live in a country that's slowly pushed cigarette smokers to the outside of everything. Legalized weed would put you right next to them. And you'd still be reprimanded for being high at work, high at your sister's piano recital, high at school. Just because it's legal doesn't mean everyone's gonna suddenly be okay with you ripping into a bag of Doritos, babbling about the hidden message in the Lord of the Rings movie and falling asleep at your desk. They'll still think you're an idiot.

Sure, there would never be a situation where you couldn't get pot. But think about it. That means no more road trips to your friend at college in Vermont because it seems the whole Northeast has suddenly gone dry. No more of those moments when you're meeting two guys from the Bronx at the rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, just because your local boys fell through. No more searching for that one nugget you swore you dropped somewhere behind your dresser two years ago. No more being that kid who shows up to the party, and makes a dozen friends just by uttering those four magic words, "Yo, anybody wanna burn?"

Instead, you'll have Edwin Schrint, band geek, showing up behind the Denny's with a pack of Marlboro Ultra Danks, forcing you to find a new hangout spot to avoid him.

When the person who handed you your first joint said, "Everybody's doing it," they didn't mean "Everybody." They meant, "Everybody cool, everybody adventurous. Everybody fun and unconventional. Everybody interesting and daring." They didn't mean Mrs. Bitterman, the teacher who gave you an F for not showing the work on your math test.

Keep the potheads out of jail. Fine. But don't suddenly say, "Pot is legal," and open the door to everyone not cool enough to figure out how to smoke, discreetly and privately. Don't take away the rituals (Febreeze, a wet towel, Pure Citrus Air Freshener) and the secrets that make burning such a unique bonding experience. And in a country where smoking-related illness costs millions of dollars, and millions of lives a year, don't suddenly send the message, "Smoking is Ok because its legal." Why open that can of worms?

I've been around enough people who smoke to know that there are some people who just shouldn't smoke. The fact that it's illegal causes most stoners to be smart. To be careful. To be considerate. To not overdo it. Make it legal, and some of the space cases just may float off the grid entirely.

So reduce the penalties if you want. Get rid of jail time. But don't take away the one thing that makes pot cool. That's just not... cool, man.

Visitor Map: