Friday, March 14, 2008

Only In America, or How To Save The Music Industry

Ashley Dupre, Hooker, Music Star

AM NY reported this morning that Ashley Dupre, the high-class call-girl who NY Gov Elliot Spitzer frequented, is now a millionaire.

Ashley is an aspiring musician, and her two tracks, now selling for 98 cents, have sold over two million.

Finally, a solution for the music industry's woes! Pimping out artists!

New Ashley Simpson album not selling well? Pimp her out to NJ Guv Jon Corzine and watch the magic unfold. Jessica Simpson CD not flying off the shelves? Hook her up with Dick Cheney and presto: platinum. The latest John Mayer collection not resonating with the music-buying public? Tell Barbara Boxer that for just $5,000 a night, the curly-haired crooner will sing "Your Body Is A Wonderland" while running around her bedroom like this:

Sorry 'bout that. I probably should have warned you first.

Maybe if every musician was a prostitute, the record industry wouldn't need to sue kids and their moms for illegally downloading Spice Girls songs.

It's worth considering.

Monday, March 10, 2008

There's No Nazis In Baseball

Ian Kinsler, Super Jew
Ian Kinsler, Sluggin' Against Anti-Semites

Even in a fantasy world, bigots exist.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you probably know that I've recently gotten into playing Fantasy Baseball. And you've probably read all about my Jewish Fantasy Baseball team, which is scheduled to kick off its sophomore season later this month.

Well this year, I joined an AL-Only Fantasy Baseball league on CBS Sportsline. The draft was automated, so I could waste as little time as possible in setting my team up. The computer actually picked a nice team for me. A-Rod and David Ortiz on the same squad! Ian Kinsler, Jewish baseball player extraordinaire at second base! I was excited for the season to start.

Then I took a look at the other teams in the league. Most were innocuous, normal. Nick's Yankees, Mean Machine, Hamilton Havoc. But then I saw what one owner named his team. "Mein Kampf".

For those of you who don't know, that is the infamous title of Adolf Hitler's memoir and political manifesto. A book in which Hitler rationalized his hatred for the Jewish people and outlined his philosophy for the Nazi state. Neo-nazis and some Muslim extremists are known to treat the book like a bible for their causes.

And someone decided to choose that title for their fantasy baseball team's name.

To do something like that, I reasoned, someone has to be pretty fervent about their cause. A person who spreads their hate in a venue as frivolous as fantasy baseball most likely spreads their hate in other, more important areas of their life. A disturbed individual indeed.

Luckily for my Jewish baseball teammates, none of them were drafted by the Nazi squad.

What could I do? I figured CBS Sportsline wouldn't allow such an inappropriate team name to remain on their web site. So I sent them an email alerting them to the situation.

A few hours later, I checked back and "Mein Kampf" had been replaced by "INAPPROPRIATE". Big bold capital letters that will hopefully remind "Mein Kampf" that Hitler failed, and that most of the world today believes in tolerance, not hatred.


I'd like to applaud CBS Sportsline on their swift reaction. I've always thought their fantasy leagues were better organized and provided more information than Yahoo! or others, and now I also know that they are committed to preserving the fun of the game for everyone. "Mein Kampf" may be able to spread his hate elsewhere, but he won't be able to ruin Fantasy Baseball. Not for this Jew.

I look forward to kicking his ass come April. On the Fantasy Baseball field. Ian Kinsler leading the way.

Just like Hitler, the Baseball Nazi will be defeated.
And Just Like That, There Was No More Elliot Spitzer

"Client 9"

He came into New York politics as a bright shining star, a beacon of hope amid the dirty world of crooked and morally bankrupt government officials. He'd brought corrupt corporations to their knees, prosecuted those who exploited the weak and the down-trodden. Some even believed him to be a future candidate for President. But today, Elliot Spitzer became just another disappointment in the ever-growing cadre of politicians who promised to be different, but ended up being all too familiar.

Elliot Spitzer, reformer, crusader, prostitute-lover.

The New York Times has reported that Spitzer has admitted his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring recently busted up by the feds:
The governor’s travel records show that he was in Washington in mid-February. One of the clients described in court papers arranged to meet with a prostitute who was part of the ring, the Emperors Club VIP on the night of Feb. 13.

Mr. Spitzer appeared on a CNBC television show at 7 a.m. the next morning. Later in the morning, he testified before a Congressional committee.

An affidavit filed in federal court in Manhattan in connection with that case lists six conversations between the man, identified as Client 9, and a booking agent for the Emperors Club.
Yes, the night before appearing in front of a congressional committee, the married father of three decided to get jiggy with a high-priced bimbo.

In recent days, Spitzer appeared ready to meet some of the lofty expectations New York residents had for him. Despite political in-fighting and legislative failures early on in his tenure, he had poised his party to win the state senate for the first time in decades. With a solidly Democratic senate in place, Spitzer would finally have no stumbling blocks standing in the way of his proposed reforms.

Now it seems, it was all for naught. If he is indeed "Client 9" from the Fed's affidavit, then Spitzer will undoubtedly be forced to resign from government. Not to mention, he will face jail time for a crime he once prosectuted others for.

How could someone at such a high level, who knew the consequences of what he was doing, commit such a foolish crime? Then again, haven't several government officials done the same thing? Maybe it's a side-effect of being elected.

The man once called "Elliot Ness" by the press, is in an "Elliot Mess."

Elliot Spitzer, in a statement this afternoon, apologized to his family and the public, stating, "I am disapointed that I failed to live up to the standard I had set for myself."

So are we, Elliot. So are we.

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