Friday, August 21, 2009

Hot Lesbian Sex

Mila and Natalie, In Love.

Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman Have Ecstacy-Induced Angry Sex In New Darren Aronofsky Film

I want to see Darren Aronofsky's new film because... er... I liked Pi so much.

Of course, knowing how the real world works, chances are Natalie and Mila's scene will be disappointing. Because, you know, its an R-rated film and not late night Skin-emax. But it's a pretty hot combo.

Let's take a look at the most hyped Hollywood hottie lesbian scenes:

1. Selma Blair & Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cruel Intentions

OMG! Buffy! Let's face it. Without this scene, there pretty much isn't any point to Cruel Intentions. Yeah, Ryan Phillipe made the girls swoon, but there was no way any self-respecting guy would watch this movie until he heard about "the kiss." And yeah, its hot and all (that little line of spittle that tells you this was no "stage" kiss), but it's really not worth sitting through all 97 minutes.

2. Denise Richards and Neve Campbell, Wild Things

Wild Things came out my freshman year in high school, though I wasn't able to see it until a year or so later, when it came out on cable. Before that moment, I heard again and again how the chick from Party of Five sluts it up in a threesome. When I finally saw it, I thought to myself... take off the damn shirt! Neve never does. And while Denise Richards is fine and all, it's like looking at a naked barbie doll. Except more plastic. And no one wants Matt Dillon to be a part of their hot-girl-on-girl action.

Wild Things

3. Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson, Vicky Christina Barcelona

Scarlett Johansson = Hot. Penelope Cruz = Hot. Sitting through a movie with no redeeming characters, an aimless plot, and an open-ended ending, when there's not even any Scar-jo - P-cruz nudity? Not hot. This is the extent of the much hyped "lesbian scene." At least the movie didn't include some lecherous old guy pursuing an underage girl... like every other Woody Allen film.

4. Bridget Moynahan and Heather Graham, Grey Matters

I have very few complaints about this scene, actually. Bridget Moynahan is beautiful even with her clothes on, and that drunken kiss goes on forever. Beggars can't be choosers.

But unless you're interested in a lesbian coming-out story that features Alan Cumming in drag and Molly Shannon not in character as Mary Catherine Gallagher, the rest of this movie will probably just leave you wondering: how in the hell could Tom Brady break up with Bridget Moynahan?? Come on! She's the mother of your child!!! I don't care if Gisele has the sexy accent. Dick.

5.Winona Ryder and Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow, Friends

Now this is what I call, Must See TV. Ah, sweeps season. Gotta love it.

Sure, there's plenty more where that came from. But keep these moments in mind when debating whether to see Aronofsky's new film. Just because there's two major hotties going at it, that doesn't guarantee it'll be worth the $11 ticket. In fact, if history shows anything, directors tend to take the rest of the film off after seeing something like this.

And Tom Brady, you suck.

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