Friday, October 21, 2005

Why Is This Man Smiling?

Just Happy To Be Here, Folks

What is he thinking??

Do you think Delay's smile exudes confidence? Or is it a cover for fear? What's going on inside that diabolical head? Fill in the bubble.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

While New Orleans Drowned

"Sir, I know that you know the situation is past critical," The FEMA Regional director (at the Superdome) wrote to FEMA chief Mike Brown, on August 31st.

The response, from Brown's Press Secretary came three hours later:

"[Mike] needs much more than 20 or 30 minutes [to eat his dinner, at a Baton Rouge restaurant]..."

"We now have traffic to encounter to go to and from a location of his choise (sic), followed by wait service from the restaurant staff, eating, etc. Thank you."

Should Mikey-boy have had a sit down dinner at a restaurant of his "choise" while thousands were running out of food and water at the Superdome?

I don't know. Should Bush have continued to listen to "My Pet Goat" being read while thousands died on 9/11?

The insensitivity of these people boggles the mind. Hundreds of local officials dropped everything they were doing to help those in dire need after Hurricane Katrina (and after 9/11). Meanwhile, the Feds lagged behind, valuing photo ops and fine dining over people's lives (anyone get the name of the restaurant Mike Brown was at? Did he order an appetizer??)

Anyone who blames local officials is an absolute idiot. I'm sorry, but it's true. A CITY GOT WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET. If this isn't an instance when maybe the federal government should get involved, I don't know what is. Does a whole state have to be destroyed before the Feds respond? Oh... actually, put the landmass affected by Hurricane Katrina together and you have a state-sized area right there. Shouldn't we expect more? State governments get their operating budgets from their residents. The Federal Government gets its funds from all of us. Shouldn't the Federal government be better equipped? Should the members of the federal government, at least, maybe... grab a sandwich or something instead of sitting down at a restaurant? Jesus. Let's not be partisan for a moment here and just recognize that something is seriously wrong when people in charge sit on their asses.

But hey, Mike Brown was hungry. GWB didn't want to worry the young-uns.

Gimme a break.
The World's Most Elusive Rat

(No, it's not Karl Rove.)

Bating A Rat Trap With... "Fresh Penguin"???

Scientists Are Weird.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Al Shamshoon

All-American Family

In order to conquer... i mean.. liberate the Muslim world, it is necessary not only to export our manpower, but also our culture. Insurgents may not be quelled by our armies, the thinking goes, but maybe we can lull them into submission with a few good episodes of Laguna Beach.

Which brings me to today's topic: The Simpsons. After 17 seasons of beer-swilling, bacon munching, donut downing and downright hilarious political and religious satire, the American classic is making it's way to the Middle East. Minus the beer, bacon, donuts, and political and religious satire.

Homer Simpson becomes Omar Al Shamshoon. Instead of downing Duff beer in superhuman quantities, he'll chug soda. Instead of bacon he'll eat Egyptian beef sausage. His beloved donuts will be changed to a popular arab cookie, called kahk.

That's right, Homer is now a kahk muncher.

Hee hee.

Moe's bar is gone too. Will Moe find a way onto the Al Shamshoon show? Maybe, but he'll need a more Islamic-friendly profession. Any suggestions?

No word on whether Reverend Lovejoy will become an Iman.

An Artist's Rendering

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Victoria's Secret Plan To Destroy Humanity

I never knew underwear could be so insidious.

That is, until G. Tracy Mehan III pointed it out to me.

Right there amidst the new restaurants, a 16-screen theater, Baby Gap, Talbot's Kids, and other outlets targeting young families and teenagers, were new window and floor displays, compliments of Victoria's Secret, entitled, "Backstage Sexy." According to the local NBC affiliate, it featured "bare-bottomed mannequins in provocative poses and suggestions of bondage." They were tarted out with rhinestone garters, fishnet stockings, and feathery thongs.

There were also two female mannequins lounging on a bed (one was removed after the first wave of protests). The Washington Post described a scene in which "one scantily clad female mannequin crawling toward another who reclined on a left hip and leaned back on both hands." All this was in immediate proximity to hordes of teenagers who were mall-walking in the newly expanded shopping center.
Naked Mannequins!!!! The Horror!! The Horror!!!

Make sure the kids leave the room:

Ok, just kidding. The mannequins "III" is so amped up over look like this:

They're Fake, and they're spectacular

Finally, A Girl Who Won't Leave Me

Don't Turn Away... I Won't Bite.. Hard.

"III" writes: "Slut ware" was the term used by one father, who noted that the "feathery-thong-clad mannequin bent over as if she were adjusting her spike heels."
You mean, this one?

The NBC article reported this resident's words:

"I've already tried to get security to arrest them for indecent exposure and I've talked to the managers in there," said Tim Cutler. "They don't care. They're just more happy they're getting the exposure and the marketing."
I checked, and was outraged to find out there are no laws on the books preventing mannequins from going out in public dressed in only lingerie. In fact, I was shocked to find there aren't any laws governing mannequins- AT ALL!! How could this happen? Why do the rules not apply to these "mannequin people?"

I went to a local Victoria's Secret to find out.

My interviews with the mannequins were short. Well coached by their lawyers, i'm sure, they refused to answer any of my questions. Something to hide underneath that lycra and nylon? This reporter, for one, thinks so.

I spoke with the store manager, who tried to assure me the mannequins are not a threat.

Manager: "They're not real. They're plastic."

Me: "They're corrupting our youth."

Manager: "How?"

Me: "They're showing their hoo-hahs and uh-ohs."

Manager: "They don't have hoohahs and uh-ohs, they're all plastic."

Me: So is Pamela Anderson.

Is Pam A Mannequin Person??

These mannequins need to be stopped before they corrupt our youth. Girls may start to think that wearing something other than white cotton granny shorts is ok. Who knows, they may even think it's alright to spice up a boring marriage with a little display of crotchless panties.

We all saw what happened in Italy when Michaelangelo's David was first displayed at the Coliseum Mall. All the guys started going naked. Is that what we want?

Clearly, teenagers are going to look at these "fake, plastic" mannequins and assume that they should copy them. Next thing you know, they'll be bending over to fix their shoes and start lying on couches. What has happened to our ideallic 1950's America, when the streets were clean and there weren't any problems at all??

A simpler time

"III," (who's name doesn't sound elitist at all), writes: "As a father, I spend a fair amount of time intercepting commercials, mailings, and unsolicited shower gifts generated by and purchased from this purveyor of provocative undergarments.
Alliteration aside... "shower gifts?" How old is this man's daughter? He's intercepting her baby shower gifts? I hope I'm misunderstanding this.

But obviously he's doing the right thing. I intend to gouge out my daughter's eyes to make sure she can't see anything that may convert her into a slut. That's true parenting.

As "GTM III" gets more riled up, he says, "How Dare They...":

Reflecting on this degradation of the moral ecology, in former Confederate territory at that, it is worth reconsidering many of the old libertarian bromides. Victoria's Secret's outrages may not be crimes, but neither are they victimless. You have to be some kind of Cartesian, mind-body dualist to think that what people think, say, or otherwise communicate has no impact on how they behave, use, or abuse their own bodies. If ideas have consequences — for adults, children, and families — it is time to challenge those ideas, championed by Limited Brands and Victoria's Secret, and enabled by landlords, mall owners, and feckless consumers.
Beautifully written. Someone owns a Thesaurus, and a dusty old book about Rene Descartes. The nerve of Victoria Secret moving into A FORMER CONFEDERATE TERRITORY with this filth. Don't they know Confederates are morally superior? What did Confederates ever do that was immoral? Nothing as bad as Liberals and that Clinton blow job thing.

"III" makes the great point that ideas are evil. So we shouldn't have them. Or, we should have his ideas, and not ours. This seems like a better alternative to thinking rationally. A ration person might think, "THEY'RE PLASTIC!!! AND ITS JUST UNDERWEAR!!!!!!" But those people should be killed before they make the Theory of Evolution a constitutional amendment.

He continues:

The family is the paramount human society which is threatened by the licentiousness (there is no other word for it) promoted by businesses such as Victoria's Secret, Hollywood film studios, breweries, and Super Bowl promoters.
Note: the thesaurus lists "wantoness," and "proligacy" as other words. But you know who wrote the Thesaurus: That's right. Baby Killers.

Super Bowl Promoters??? At first, I was perplexed. But obviously "III" is referring to the fact that many football players have wives that wear Victoria's Secret.

"III" hopes that the consumers of Virginia will force VC out of business. I don't know why it hasn't gone out already. I mean, it's just so morally objectionable, it's hard to believe they're doing great business. If everyone's complaining... who's buying?

My guess? The mannequin population.

In summation: We need to stop these mannequins, before it's too late, before we find ourselves in a nuclear wasteland fighting off evil cyborg mannequins with lasers for eyes.

Scared? You should be.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Are Jews Smarter??


New York Magazine Asks The Question.
It Sucks To Be Madonna's Kids

Guy Ritchie Wants You

Not only has the entire world seen your mother naked, and you belong to a creepy pseudo-Jewish religion, but also this:

MSNBC - Madonna says she's the disciplinarian with 9-year-old Lourdes and 5-year-old Rocco.

The former material girl told Newsweek that she doesn't let her children watch TV or look at magazines. She says milk and ice cream are also off-limits.

"When Daddy gets home, they get chocolate," Madonna said. "I'm the disciplinarian."

She's also strict about laundry duties: If Lourdes leaves dirty clothes on the floor, "we take all of her clothes and put them in a bag, and she has to earn all of her clothes back by being tidy," Madonna said. "She wears the same outfit every day to school until she learns her lesson."
Plus, their names are "Lourdes" and "Rocco." Does Mrs. Cone-Tits want her kids to be porn stars?

Then again, they are living in a mansion. So it ain't all bad.

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