Saturday, February 11, 2006

Well, I Called It

It doesn't get more entertaining than tonight's opening ceremonies.

One reason I love the Olympics is Bob Costas. He's really the best. I cannot say this more heterosexually: I love the guy.

First off, he knows his stuff. You know he isn't reading this shit off a teleprompter. He just knows it.

When the parade of nations began, I was pretty sure I heard "Celebrate," the reknowned bar-mitzvah song. But I thought I had to be mistaken. This was the parade of nations! Not Pheobes on 80's night.

But then I heard "I Will Survive."

Thats when I started taking notes:

Brian Williams pointed out the unique dresses all the sign holders wore. They were shaped like the alps. That's some Olympic style that has to be incorporated into the mainstream.

There's something a little bit wrong about Bosnia entering to the song "Freak Out!" But perhaps more appropriate than "I Will Survive."

Speaking of Olympic style: Mark My Words: Those Mongolian Hats Are Hot And Will Be HUUUUGE

As I watched I really was overcome by these small nations that struggle to even get to the games, much less compete in them. In one poor country, the villages collected money just to get their team to Torino. I want every small nation to win.

Video Killed The Radio Star!!!! This is getting out of hand!

Sign of the Zodiac??? I don't even remember that song! They're playing obscure 80's hits now???

This is why I love Costas and Williams:

"If I hear Betty ----, I'm gonna"

Brian Williams: "Donna Summers did it for me."

10:24 PM: I still hate the Russians.

Frozen Guy Commercial????? Chevy? What the hell....

That is one hot girl from Serbia and Montenegro. Looks a bit like Katarina Witt. That rhymes sorta.

Costas has so much information. I bet you he's not reading any of this off a teleprompter.... oh I already said this.

10:29 PM- Y M C A ! ! ! ! !

Costas: "And what tour of American Pop Music from the 80's would be complete without the village people?"

Costas gets mad, "You think the nation of Denmark requested this!?"

10:30 PM- Costas has had enough of this shit.

I wish I had Tivo.

10:31 PM- U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!!

10:32 PM- B O D E

10:36 PM- Weird McDonalds Ad. Kid looks like Ronald McDonald, sits next to him on a park bench. Disturbing.

10:43 PM- Burn Baby Burn!!!!?!?! Who's DJaying this shit? Unique Musique?

The Italians get trumpets... oh wait, its electronic. Somne Italian pop song.

10:46 PM- MILF Alert! That is one Italian hottie.

10:55 PM- Costas is a genius, possibly the smartest man on the planet. The female commentator? "The Renaissance was in the 14th century." REEEAAALLLY??

11:03 PM- Costas calls it: "We've never seen Ferraris at the opening ceremonies before."

Susan Sarandon! The Republicans are not going to like this.

Weird Climby Guys Forming A Dove sort of look like little snowflakes.

Is that Yoko Ono reading the peace poem??? To Disney music?

Imagine! As sung by Peter Gabriel!!! I'm beginning to think VH1 is responsible for this opening ceremony.

Actually, this is a great version. I will iTunes the shit out of it.

All the athletes swaying, all singing the same song. That is a beautiful sight that's got to give you a lot of hope for humanity.

Dude, during the commercial, I realize MSNBC and Yahoo have already published accounts of what happened. Isn't that cheating? I hate tape delay.

Irony, Alberto Tomba, who enters with the torch, is nicknamed "La Bamba"

Williams: "Who actually lights the torch is a best kept secret." Except we already know who did it.

Debra Campononi, very cute.

And it's lit! Nice fireworks.

Final surprise?

Ahh! Pavarotti! You can't have an Italian opening ceremony without opera.

I can see the headlines now: Ceremonies Over After Fat Man Sings

Well. Anyways, awesome ceremony. Now to play some Madden.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Let The Games Begin!!!

I love the Winter Olympics. The Summer Olympics are fine, don't get me wrong, but the Winter Olympics are about more than simply conquering your opponent, or even pushing yourself past the limit. The Winter games, so unlike the majority of summer sports, require competitors to not only fight against each other but to also fight against the elements. They wear blades on their feet, wrap themselves in insulating thermal underwear. Their gameplan can change overnight, depending on the quality of the snow, the temperature in the air, whether the athlete who went before cut a bad line across the slope.

The Winter Olympics are cooler. Not only in degrees, but degree of difficulty. We can all run--maybe not fast--but we can run. Swimming, throwing, jumping... these are natural human actions. The Winter Games, however... are almost demonic. Two slabs of plexiglass strapped to feet, sliding someone down a hill, to a giant ramp that flings them into the air? Don't see that everyday. Guys with brooms, ushering a big shiny rock across a plain of ice? That's a sport someone had to invent.

But maybe I'm biased. I went to the Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway. Wow, was it really 1994? Like, over a decade ago??? Wow I'm old.

So I'll be watching the opening ceremonies tonight, despite the fact that no Olympic opening ceremony ever has made sense. Even with the explanations offered by the TV commentators:
"The woman in the colorful hat and purple leotard emerging from the water symbolizes the ancient Mayan diety of sport, Gzacklahunda"

"And the elephants flying over the crowd represent the 7 continents."

"Here come the ballerinas dressed as unicorn-lion hybrids, which signifies the mix of fantasy and power the games embody."

"Oh look! It's four Siberian Husky puppies painted in the traditional colors of the Zylock people, barking out the word "freedom" in twelve different dialects to the four corners of the world."

"When we return, the PARADE OF NATIONS! A hundred countries you don't care about and then, the U.S.A.!!!"
Ok, I made that up. But honestly, you'll hear something close to that tonight.

So lets go U.S.A.! Even though all the foreign judges will be biased against our athletes because of certain unpopular American policies, I think it should be a fun Olympics to watch. After all, the Olympics are about peace and goodwill. We could use a little bit of that right now.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Where'd They Get All Those Danish Flags??
Open Letter To The Associated Press

Vanity Fair Bares All????

Dear AP,

I noticed your headline, "Johansson, Knightley Bare All for Magazine." I have to say, it certainly caught my attention. I mean, two of the hottest actresses of our generation, taking it all off and agreeing to be photographed? Who wouldn't be interested in that??

Unfortunately... its just not true. It's misleading at best. I have no problem with the word "Bare." I mean, clearly, both actresses are "bare" of clothing. But "All"? I do not see "All" on this Vanity Fair cover. All would mean, forgive my colloquial speech... hoo hoos and ha has. I see the sides of some hoo hoos. But not a single ha ha. Certainly not "all." Needless to say, I was very disappointed.

So let me suggest you change the headline to "Johansson, Knightly Almost Bare All for Magazine" or, if you find that too wordy, "Johansson, Knightly Are Big Teases." This I feel, more accurately describes the magazine cover.

Oh and by the way, this qualifies as news???????????



Monday, February 06, 2006

Steelers Win Superbowl

Fun Fact from Sports Illustrated:
Two people who have received keys to the city of Detroit: Jerome Bettis and Saddam Hussein. Saddam received his in 1980, Bettis on last Tuesday. Cracked Bettis, "They changed the locks on that one."
Saddam had the keys to Detroit? No wonder people started leaving town.

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