I'm currently carving up the slopes in Colorado. Merry Christmas, non-jews! I'll hit you up with one last Adam's Life entry of 2007 when I return.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Welcome MSNers!
My latest MSN article:
Why hasn't the future happened yet? A look into past visions of our present time-- and our hopes for the immediate future.
One tidbit that got cut for space:
Ah, the memories.
My latest MSN article:
Why hasn't the future happened yet? A look into past visions of our present time-- and our hopes for the immediate future.
One tidbit that got cut for space:
Technological limits and safety concerns aren’t the only things holding back our future. Only now is NASA finally seriously considering a base on the Moon, even though the equipment has been around since the late 1960s. And their vision of a lunar south pole research station is a far cry from the domed cities envisioned in the 1979 book Future Cities: Homes and Living into the 21st Century, which predicted a Moon-hosted 2020 Olympic Games (imagine that high jump record). Blame the mineral mining corporations, which haven’t gotten around to building their giant moonrock mines. “They don’t make any economic sense,” Novak points out. “NASA is subsidized, they’re losing money. It doesn’t make sense to be mining minerals on the moon if it costs twice as much to bring them down.” Sometimes, it’s all about the Benjamins… or as future people call them, Zoltars.If you haven't been to my blog before, you've been wasting your life. Luckily, you've finally seen the error of your ways. Feel free to dip a toe into the swimming pool of ideas that comprises the least-focused and most poorly organized blog on the net. Check out Rudolph, The Steroid-Abusing Reindeer. Or my completely serious plea for the development of a feline penal system. Or better still, dig deep into the Adam's Life archives and uncover forgotten gems such as the time I outed the space shuttle Discovery.
Ah, the memories.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
No Smoking
Welcome to another Adam's Life patented rant.
I dislike cigarette smokers. Now, I know a few smokers who are generally very fine people... but I hate who they become when a cigarette hits their lips. A cigarette temporarily turns decent human beings into the most vile creatures on the planet, and the saddest part is, they don't even know it.
Perhaps you've heard of the "Flaming Bag Of Shit" prank, or seen it in the Adam Sandler movie "Billy Madison". It involves putting poop into a paper bag, placing it on somebody's doorstep, lighting the bag on fire, ringing the doorbell, and then hiding in the bushes. When the homeowner opens the door, they see the flaming bag, stomp it out with their shoes... and discover that their shoes now have crap all over them. Then the perpetrator snickers in the bushes.
What kind of person does this kind of thing? An asshole, clearly. Whether you smoke cigarettes or not, most people agree this is a crude, horrible thing to do to someone.
Yet, smokers do this EVERY DAY. They do it to you, to me, and especially to those in low-paying custodial jobs.
Watch a smoker on the street. They will take long, loving drags of their cigarette, and then, when it's about halfway done, they'll nonchalantly flick it to the ground, where it rolls to a stop, still smoking. Then, the smoker will walk away, not giving that cigarette a second thought.
That cigarette is a bag of flaming shit. A miniature bag of flaming shit. And someone will step on it, either inadvertently, or trying to stop an inevitable fire. Or a small, curious child will pick it up in their hands. Or a bird will choke on it. Or it will be washed down the drain and join 10,000 other discarded cigarettes, destined to pollute our nation's waterways.
Would we put up with a person throwing flaming bags of shit everywhere? No. Yet for some reason, smokers are perfectly fine with littering everywhere. They do it without caring. They do it without thinking. It's an unconscious gesture passed down from the kid they first smoked with back in high school, the kid who's still assistant manager at the Wendy's.
It's crude, rude, and gross. And the sidewalks of New York City are marked and spattered with smokers' mini bags of shit.
If that was all, I might be able to forgive smokers. But there's more.
How would you feel if your next-door neighbor burned their trash in their yard? When you leave your house in the morning, the putrid smell of burning garbage enters your nose and throat. When you come back at night, the pungent fumes make you cough and gag. You'd call the authorities. You'd probably strongly consider moving, just to get away from the air pollution.
And how would you feel if someone with a cold kept coughing right in your face? You'd probably think they were just about the rudest person in the planet.
Smokers are miniature mobile incinerators. They burn their garbage everywhere: city streets, sports stadiums, bus stops, office buildings, restaurants. And the smoke always wafts away from them, into the air passages of non smokers.
Smokers spread their disease, right into your face. Everyday on my way to work, on my way to lunch, on my way back from work, a smoker is inevitably walking directly in front of me. They'll take a long, loving drag from their cigarette, and then, BOOM, a blast of smoke out of the corner of their mouth.
The wind blows towards me. I get a mouthful of smoke. Some white ashes fly onto my clothes.
The smoker continues walking, continues puffing, oblivious.
I run to get in front of them, desperate to get out of the line of fire.
The smoker continues puffing, indifferent.
Maybe you can put up with the littering and the smoke in your face. But now imagine there's a group of people who demand that you pay them money so that they can continue playing a game of Russian Roulette (that's when one bullet is loaded into a six-shooter pistol, and the player pulls the trigger, risking that the chamber might be full).
You'd most likely say "hell no." You'd call them suicidal. You'd demand that their guns be taken away. You'd tell them to seek help.
Instead, non-smoking Americans pay, on average, $630 extra dollars a year in federal and state taxes, to pay for the health costs of smokers-- people who engage in an activity known to shorten their lives. $630 dollars, to ensure that people who choose to kill themselves slowly can be treated for their smoking-related illnesses.
That's not even factoring in the cost to the economy of these people taking "smoking breaks" during work, which can last 20 minutes or more and take place several times a day.
Finally, imagine that this person--who put a flaming bag of shit at your doorstep, who burned their trash next door, who coughed in your face, who made you pay money to fund his suicidal game--then complained that he was treated like a second class citizen.
"They make us smoke outside in the cold, like we're animals!"
They complain all the time. Talk about the good old days when they could smoke in bars and restaurants, when cigarettes were cheap and Joe Camel used to give them free rides on his humpy backside.
If that wasn't enough to get you pissed at this hypothetical person, imagine they keep insisting, "I can stop anytime I want to." But they don't. They continue these behaviors, refusing to acknowledge the following three things:
1. The smell of smoke is bad.
2. Other people exist.
3. Perhaps, maybe, they should get far away from other people when they smoke.
One day, smoking in most places will be illegal. We're headed there already. Many municipalities have banned smoking indoors, and a few have banned smoking in public entirely. No one can justify why nicotine isn't illegal... it's a substance designed to trick the brain into wanting more of it. All other drugs of this nature are strictly controlled. It's just a matter of time before the government no longer feels the pressure from an unpopular, weakened, and financially-strapped Big Tobacco.
But smokers shouldn't be outraged. They've had the right to smoke for centuries... and they've abused that privilege. It's their right to smoke, but is it also their right to litter, to force their smoke onto others, to steal our money and waste our time? Maybe if smokers were more responsible about their smoking, people wouldn't want to ban their activity so much.
So smokers, be warned. Stay the hell out of my way.
[UPDATE:] A handy chart:
Credit: DivineCaroline.com
My next rant: Irresponsible New York City dog owners.
Welcome to another Adam's Life patented rant.
I dislike cigarette smokers. Now, I know a few smokers who are generally very fine people... but I hate who they become when a cigarette hits their lips. A cigarette temporarily turns decent human beings into the most vile creatures on the planet, and the saddest part is, they don't even know it.
Perhaps you've heard of the "Flaming Bag Of Shit" prank, or seen it in the Adam Sandler movie "Billy Madison". It involves putting poop into a paper bag, placing it on somebody's doorstep, lighting the bag on fire, ringing the doorbell, and then hiding in the bushes. When the homeowner opens the door, they see the flaming bag, stomp it out with their shoes... and discover that their shoes now have crap all over them. Then the perpetrator snickers in the bushes.
What kind of person does this kind of thing? An asshole, clearly. Whether you smoke cigarettes or not, most people agree this is a crude, horrible thing to do to someone.
Yet, smokers do this EVERY DAY. They do it to you, to me, and especially to those in low-paying custodial jobs.
Watch a smoker on the street. They will take long, loving drags of their cigarette, and then, when it's about halfway done, they'll nonchalantly flick it to the ground, where it rolls to a stop, still smoking. Then, the smoker will walk away, not giving that cigarette a second thought.
That cigarette is a bag of flaming shit. A miniature bag of flaming shit. And someone will step on it, either inadvertently, or trying to stop an inevitable fire. Or a small, curious child will pick it up in their hands. Or a bird will choke on it. Or it will be washed down the drain and join 10,000 other discarded cigarettes, destined to pollute our nation's waterways.
Would we put up with a person throwing flaming bags of shit everywhere? No. Yet for some reason, smokers are perfectly fine with littering everywhere. They do it without caring. They do it without thinking. It's an unconscious gesture passed down from the kid they first smoked with back in high school, the kid who's still assistant manager at the Wendy's.
It's crude, rude, and gross. And the sidewalks of New York City are marked and spattered with smokers' mini bags of shit.
If that was all, I might be able to forgive smokers. But there's more.
How would you feel if your next-door neighbor burned their trash in their yard? When you leave your house in the morning, the putrid smell of burning garbage enters your nose and throat. When you come back at night, the pungent fumes make you cough and gag. You'd call the authorities. You'd probably strongly consider moving, just to get away from the air pollution.
And how would you feel if someone with a cold kept coughing right in your face? You'd probably think they were just about the rudest person in the planet.
Smokers are miniature mobile incinerators. They burn their garbage everywhere: city streets, sports stadiums, bus stops, office buildings, restaurants. And the smoke always wafts away from them, into the air passages of non smokers.
Smokers spread their disease, right into your face. Everyday on my way to work, on my way to lunch, on my way back from work, a smoker is inevitably walking directly in front of me. They'll take a long, loving drag from their cigarette, and then, BOOM, a blast of smoke out of the corner of their mouth.
The wind blows towards me. I get a mouthful of smoke. Some white ashes fly onto my clothes.
The smoker continues walking, continues puffing, oblivious.
I run to get in front of them, desperate to get out of the line of fire.
The smoker continues puffing, indifferent.
Maybe you can put up with the littering and the smoke in your face. But now imagine there's a group of people who demand that you pay them money so that they can continue playing a game of Russian Roulette (that's when one bullet is loaded into a six-shooter pistol, and the player pulls the trigger, risking that the chamber might be full).
You'd most likely say "hell no." You'd call them suicidal. You'd demand that their guns be taken away. You'd tell them to seek help.
Instead, non-smoking Americans pay, on average, $630 extra dollars a year in federal and state taxes, to pay for the health costs of smokers-- people who engage in an activity known to shorten their lives. $630 dollars, to ensure that people who choose to kill themselves slowly can be treated for their smoking-related illnesses.
That's not even factoring in the cost to the economy of these people taking "smoking breaks" during work, which can last 20 minutes or more and take place several times a day.
Finally, imagine that this person--who put a flaming bag of shit at your doorstep, who burned their trash next door, who coughed in your face, who made you pay money to fund his suicidal game--then complained that he was treated like a second class citizen.
"They make us smoke outside in the cold, like we're animals!"
They complain all the time. Talk about the good old days when they could smoke in bars and restaurants, when cigarettes were cheap and Joe Camel used to give them free rides on his humpy backside.
If that wasn't enough to get you pissed at this hypothetical person, imagine they keep insisting, "I can stop anytime I want to." But they don't. They continue these behaviors, refusing to acknowledge the following three things:
1. The smell of smoke is bad.
2. Other people exist.
3. Perhaps, maybe, they should get far away from other people when they smoke.
One day, smoking in most places will be illegal. We're headed there already. Many municipalities have banned smoking indoors, and a few have banned smoking in public entirely. No one can justify why nicotine isn't illegal... it's a substance designed to trick the brain into wanting more of it. All other drugs of this nature are strictly controlled. It's just a matter of time before the government no longer feels the pressure from an unpopular, weakened, and financially-strapped Big Tobacco.
But smokers shouldn't be outraged. They've had the right to smoke for centuries... and they've abused that privilege. It's their right to smoke, but is it also their right to litter, to force their smoke onto others, to steal our money and waste our time? Maybe if smokers were more responsible about their smoking, people wouldn't want to ban their activity so much.
So smokers, be warned. Stay the hell out of my way.
[UPDATE:] A handy chart:
Credit: DivineCaroline.com
My next rant: Irresponsible New York City dog owners.
Smartest Play Of The NFL Season
Brian Westbrook is one of the NFL's best running backs. He can catch and run, and often--at least these past two years--he has been nearly the entire Philadelphia Eagles offense. But this week in the NFL, he proved to be one of the NFL's smartest, most selfless running backs as well.
The Eagles, still clinging to playoff hopes, were up on the division-leading Dallas Cowboys 10-6, late in the fourth quarter. The Eagles had the ball on the Dallas 25 yard line. That's when Westbrook broke free and headed untouched towards the end zone. And that was when Westbrook... well, watch:
"Why didn't he score?" You may ask. Well, scoring certainly would have put the Eagles up 17-6 with two minutes to go, nearly assuring them of victory. But not scoring, falling down at the one, absolutely, positively assured the Eagles could run the clock down to zero (by kneeling three times), absolutely, positively resulting in an Eagles win.
The Eagles probably would have won if Westbrook scored. But they definitely won because he didn't.
Westbrook credited his offensive tackle, Jon Runyan, with the good advice.
But to me, even more amazing is that fact that Westbrook heeded that advice. With all the emphasis on individual stats and Sportscenter-highlights in today's NFL, Westbrook made a team decision.
And it ended up on Sportscenter anyway.
Westbrook could have moved into sole-possesion of second place in the NFC for touchdowns on the year. Can you imagine T.O. making that decision?
Of course, fantasy football fans who owned Westbrook are unhappy with the outcome. The Eagles winning by fewer points shouldn't have affected many gamblers, because the Cowboys were favored to win.
But Westbrook's selfless act reminds us that sometimes the best highlights highlight something other than an athlete's physical abilities.
Brian Westbrook is one of the NFL's best running backs. He can catch and run, and often--at least these past two years--he has been nearly the entire Philadelphia Eagles offense. But this week in the NFL, he proved to be one of the NFL's smartest, most selfless running backs as well.
The Eagles, still clinging to playoff hopes, were up on the division-leading Dallas Cowboys 10-6, late in the fourth quarter. The Eagles had the ball on the Dallas 25 yard line. That's when Westbrook broke free and headed untouched towards the end zone. And that was when Westbrook... well, watch:
"Why didn't he score?" You may ask. Well, scoring certainly would have put the Eagles up 17-6 with two minutes to go, nearly assuring them of victory. But not scoring, falling down at the one, absolutely, positively assured the Eagles could run the clock down to zero (by kneeling three times), absolutely, positively resulting in an Eagles win.
The Eagles probably would have won if Westbrook scored. But they definitely won because he didn't.
Westbrook credited his offensive tackle, Jon Runyan, with the good advice.
But to me, even more amazing is that fact that Westbrook heeded that advice. With all the emphasis on individual stats and Sportscenter-highlights in today's NFL, Westbrook made a team decision.
And it ended up on Sportscenter anyway.
Westbrook could have moved into sole-possesion of second place in the NFC for touchdowns on the year. Can you imagine T.O. making that decision?
Of course, fantasy football fans who owned Westbrook are unhappy with the outcome. The Eagles winning by fewer points shouldn't have affected many gamblers, because the Cowboys were favored to win.
But Westbrook's selfless act reminds us that sometimes the best highlights highlight something other than an athlete's physical abilities.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Rudolph The Steroid-Abusing Reindeer
Just in time for the holiday season, Major League Baseball is getting a gift it didn't want-- the results of George Mitchell's steroid invesigation.
Rumors put the number of players named as high as 80. At least one person has said the list of steroid-abusing players will include "Landscape-changing names... Names that will change the way we look at the sport."
Deadspin.com published an unofficial list of players named in the report. We won't know for sure who's on it until 2:01 PM today, when the report is released.
But some of the names stand out. Bary Bonds and Mark McGwire, we already knew. But Roger Clemens? Andy Pettite? Albert Pujols? Pudge? Mo Vaughn? These guys are legends of the game. Roger holds several pitching records. All five are future Hall-Of-Famers.
Aaron Boone is a disturbing name to see there as well. His walk-off homer against the Red Sox in the Division Series is one of Yankee baseball's proudest moments. But was Boone on the juice when it happened?
Suddenly we have to ask ourselves... was Matt Williams pursuit of the home run record in the strike-shortened season a result of some needles? Was Paul Byrd's brilliant shutdown of the Yankees this year due to some extra testosterone? Was John Rocker's famous temper inflamed by roid rage?
How many asterisks do we have to put on this game?
Adam's Life Presents: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (modern version)
UPDATE: The real list of players. Aaron Boone, you're off the hook. So are you, Albert Pujols and Pudge.
Lenny Dykstra, David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Brian Roberts, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Josias Manzanillo, Todd Hundley, Mark Carreon, Hal Morris, Matt Franco, Rondell White, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Jason Grimsley, Gregg Zaun, David Justice, F.P. Santangelo, Glenallen Hill, Mo Vaughn, Denny Neagle, Ron Villone, Ryan Franklin, Chris Donnels, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Todd Pratt, Kevin Young, Mike Lansing, Cody McKay, Kent Mercker, Adam Piatt, Miguel Tejada, Jason Christiansen, Mike Stanton, Stephen Randolph, Jerry Hairston, Paul Lo Duca, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Fernando Vina, Kevin Brown, Eric Gagne, Mike Bell, Matt Herges, Gary Bennett, Jr., Jim Parque, Brendan Donnelly, Chad Allen, Jeff Williams, Howie Clark, Nook Logan, Rick Ankiel, Paul Byrd, Jay Gibbons, Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Gary Matthews, Jr., Scott Schoeneweis, David Bell, Jose Canseco, Jason Grimsley, Darren Holmes, John Rocker, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Steve Woodard.
Just in time for the holiday season, Major League Baseball is getting a gift it didn't want-- the results of George Mitchell's steroid invesigation.
Rumors put the number of players named as high as 80. At least one person has said the list of steroid-abusing players will include "Landscape-changing names... Names that will change the way we look at the sport."
Deadspin.com published an unofficial list of players named in the report. We won't know for sure who's on it until 2:01 PM today, when the report is released.
But some of the names stand out. Bary Bonds and Mark McGwire, we already knew. But Roger Clemens? Andy Pettite? Albert Pujols? Pudge? Mo Vaughn? These guys are legends of the game. Roger holds several pitching records. All five are future Hall-Of-Famers.
Aaron Boone is a disturbing name to see there as well. His walk-off homer against the Red Sox in the Division Series is one of Yankee baseball's proudest moments. But was Boone on the juice when it happened?
Suddenly we have to ask ourselves... was Matt Williams pursuit of the home run record in the strike-shortened season a result of some needles? Was Paul Byrd's brilliant shutdown of the Yankees this year due to some extra testosterone? Was John Rocker's famous temper inflamed by roid rage?
How many asterisks do we have to put on this game?
Adam's Life Presents: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (modern version)
UPDATE: The real list of players. Aaron Boone, you're off the hook. So are you, Albert Pujols and Pudge.
Lenny Dykstra, David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Brian Roberts, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Josias Manzanillo, Todd Hundley, Mark Carreon, Hal Morris, Matt Franco, Rondell White, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Jason Grimsley, Gregg Zaun, David Justice, F.P. Santangelo, Glenallen Hill, Mo Vaughn, Denny Neagle, Ron Villone, Ryan Franklin, Chris Donnels, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Todd Pratt, Kevin Young, Mike Lansing, Cody McKay, Kent Mercker, Adam Piatt, Miguel Tejada, Jason Christiansen, Mike Stanton, Stephen Randolph, Jerry Hairston, Paul Lo Duca, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Fernando Vina, Kevin Brown, Eric Gagne, Mike Bell, Matt Herges, Gary Bennett, Jr., Jim Parque, Brendan Donnelly, Chad Allen, Jeff Williams, Howie Clark, Nook Logan, Rick Ankiel, Paul Byrd, Jay Gibbons, Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Gary Matthews, Jr., Scott Schoeneweis, David Bell, Jose Canseco, Jason Grimsley, Darren Holmes, John Rocker, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Steve Woodard.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Cheap Gifts, Future Thrills
My latest article is up on MSN.com: A Gift-Giver's Guide To Free Stuff On The Web
It's somewhat adapted from a blog entry I wrote quite some time ago.
My next article for MSN concerns the future. Basically, why aren't we living it right now? Where's the 21st century past generations predicted for us?
Curious as to how life will be in 2057, 50 years from now, I recently took a time machine (Wikipedia). Here's what I found out:
I will be 75. Hopefully.
Two solar eclipses will happen in the same year for the first time since 1889.
Tulsa, Oklahoma will unearth a time capsule with a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle as part of its contents.
The guy from 28 Days Later will travel into the sun in a giant spacecraft, in order to restart the dying star's nuclear core. It will be dull. And completely illogical.
Insurance companies will withold coverage from people who drink alcohol. But sexy female surgeons will operate on them anyway.
A holographic shark will shut down a major city. Much like a lite-bright shut down Boston.
Solar power will still be in its infancy, the result of decades of oil company propoganda. We will somehow blame the energy crisis on China.
My latest article is up on MSN.com: A Gift-Giver's Guide To Free Stuff On The Web
It's somewhat adapted from a blog entry I wrote quite some time ago.
My next article for MSN concerns the future. Basically, why aren't we living it right now? Where's the 21st century past generations predicted for us?
Curious as to how life will be in 2057, 50 years from now, I recently took a time machine (Wikipedia). Here's what I found out:
I will be 75. Hopefully.
Two solar eclipses will happen in the same year for the first time since 1889.
Tulsa, Oklahoma will unearth a time capsule with a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle as part of its contents.
The guy from 28 Days Later will travel into the sun in a giant spacecraft, in order to restart the dying star's nuclear core. It will be dull. And completely illogical.
Insurance companies will withold coverage from people who drink alcohol. But sexy female surgeons will operate on them anyway.
A holographic shark will shut down a major city. Much like a lite-bright shut down Boston.
Solar power will still be in its infancy, the result of decades of oil company propoganda. We will somehow blame the energy crisis on China.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Two Plus Two Equals Five
You would think this news would be cause for celebration. Bogged down in the explody mess of Iraq, and the forgotten war in Afghanistan, the last thing America needs is a third conflict to divide our already stretched-thin troops and sink us further into debt. And you'd think that Bush and Company would welcome this news, because it proves that however misguided their war in Iraq was, it may have influenced Iran's decision to halt their program. Hey, they actually did accomplish 1/100th of their mission in the Middle East!! Hurrah!!!
Except well, according to Bush, Fox News, and INGSOC, despite the fact that the report says Iran has halted their nuclear program, Iran is now a bigger threat than ever.
Huh?
"Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon," Bush said.
National Securirty Adviser Stephen Hadley was quoted as saying, "If we want to avoid a situation where we either have to accept Iran ... with a path to a nuclear weapon, or the possibility of having to use force to stop it, with all the connotations of World War III -- then we need to step up the diplomacy, step up the pressure, to get Iran to stop their so-called civilian uranium enrichment program. That's our policy going forward -- no change."
Bush has pushed for MORE sanctions against Iran.
So let me get this straight. A report that says Iran cancelled their nuclear program is actually an indication that they will soon make nuclear bombs and start a World War III?
2 plus 2 equals what now?
"How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four."This week, you may have heard about a little U.S. intelligence report that declared, "Iran stopped nuclear weapons work in 2003."
"Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane."
--George Orwell's 1984
You would think this news would be cause for celebration. Bogged down in the explody mess of Iraq, and the forgotten war in Afghanistan, the last thing America needs is a third conflict to divide our already stretched-thin troops and sink us further into debt. And you'd think that Bush and Company would welcome this news, because it proves that however misguided their war in Iraq was, it may have influenced Iran's decision to halt their program. Hey, they actually did accomplish 1/100th of their mission in the Middle East!! Hurrah!!!
Except well, according to Bush, Fox News, and INGSOC, despite the fact that the report says Iran has halted their nuclear program, Iran is now a bigger threat than ever.
Huh?
"Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon," Bush said.
National Securirty Adviser Stephen Hadley was quoted as saying, "If we want to avoid a situation where we either have to accept Iran ... with a path to a nuclear weapon, or the possibility of having to use force to stop it, with all the connotations of World War III -- then we need to step up the diplomacy, step up the pressure, to get Iran to stop their so-called civilian uranium enrichment program. That's our policy going forward -- no change."
Bush has pushed for MORE sanctions against Iran.
So let me get this straight. A report that says Iran cancelled their nuclear program is actually an indication that they will soon make nuclear bombs and start a World War III?
2 plus 2 equals what now?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Who Needs A Champion?
ESPN's Gregg Easterbrook is one of my favorite sports columnists, and his column this week is a perfect example of why that is.
I, like many others, have bemoaned college football's lack of a playoff system. "It's unfair," I said. "There's no way to prove who the best team is." I held pretty fast to the belief that the BCS was a load of crap, and we deserved better.
Then I read Easterbrook's column.
Consider me a changed man. He makes excellent points. For one, he points out that the BCS is not really about declaring a champion-- it's about maximizing revenues. Even if you hate capitalism, you may find yourself convinced by his second point...
Happy Chanukah Everybody!!!
ESPN's Gregg Easterbrook is one of my favorite sports columnists, and his column this week is a perfect example of why that is.
I, like many others, have bemoaned college football's lack of a playoff system. "It's unfair," I said. "There's no way to prove who the best team is." I held pretty fast to the belief that the BCS was a load of crap, and we deserved better.
Then I read Easterbrook's column.
Consider me a changed man. He makes excellent points. For one, he points out that the BCS is not really about declaring a champion-- it's about maximizing revenues. Even if you hate capitalism, you may find yourself convinced by his second point...
Currently there are 32 Division I-A bowls, which means that annually 64 big-boy teams get to participate in a season-ending game that confers a title -- the Meineke Car Care Bowl 2007 champion! -- and is shrouded in hoopla. That means basically half of Division I-A advances to a season-ending hoopla event, with one-quarter of Division I-A seasons ending with a huge-hoopla victory. In the NFL, two-thirds of the teams do not advance to any postseason event and just one team ends its season with a huge victory. Thus the bowl system spreads the razzle-dazzle around to a large number of teams, and allows large numbers to say their seasons yielded a final triumph. That's the college spirit!Anyways, a good read.
Happy Chanukah Everybody!!!
Monday, December 03, 2007
Killer Cats
The New York Times has an interesting article about wild cats decimating the bird population throughout the world, especially in island and seashore habitats. One bird lover took it upon himself to shoot the offending furballs.
So I'm not sure shooting them is the answer. The guy who shot the cat didn't catch the cat in the act of eating a bird. How did he know that the cat he shot was one of the bad ones? Maybe that cat was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, lured to the bird's nesting grounds by some of his cat frat brothers, in some sort of cat hazing ritual. Maybe that cat just came to the bird nesting grounds because that's where all the hot female cats hung out. My point is, that poor cat was executed without due process. And that's just un-American.
So what do I propose? How do we solve the feral cat problem? Simple, my friends...
Cat jails.
Two "Cat Jail" Prototypes
In every municipality dealing with a feral cat problem, we set up special tribunals to try accused cats. Each cat will be assigned a public defender, and the prosecution will have to prove that the de-feline-dent actually committed a crime.
If convicted, the cat will receive a sentence anywhere from community service (forced to pick up trash along the highway) to life behind bars (I don't believe in the death penalty).
Now, I know what you're saying. This will cost taxpayers billions. It will make a mockery of the criminal justice system. Billions, you say? Well how much are we spending on the war?? A mockery of the criminal justice system? Um... hello, remember this?:
The System Doesn't Work
Cat jails will work as a deterrent, making feral cats think twice about attacking endangered birds. And they can pay for themselves... just charge admission to cat lovers, turning each cat jail into a sort of petting zoo.
The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced it will work. So write your congressman. Tell him you don't want another cent of your taxpayer dollars going towards the war, and you want it all directed towards cat jails. It's the only humane way to deal with this problem.
The New York Times has an interesting article about wild cats decimating the bird population throughout the world, especially in island and seashore habitats. One bird lover took it upon himself to shoot the offending furballs.
"For the cats, it’s easy pickings. They’re popping birds like they were M & M’s." -cat shooter Jim Stevenson.Here at Adam's Life, we believe cats are just like people (and dogs are just like really dumb people). As such, some are cute and cuddly, and others would make Ted Bundy afraid.
So I'm not sure shooting them is the answer. The guy who shot the cat didn't catch the cat in the act of eating a bird. How did he know that the cat he shot was one of the bad ones? Maybe that cat was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, lured to the bird's nesting grounds by some of his cat frat brothers, in some sort of cat hazing ritual. Maybe that cat just came to the bird nesting grounds because that's where all the hot female cats hung out. My point is, that poor cat was executed without due process. And that's just un-American.
So what do I propose? How do we solve the feral cat problem? Simple, my friends...
Cat jails.
Two "Cat Jail" Prototypes
In every municipality dealing with a feral cat problem, we set up special tribunals to try accused cats. Each cat will be assigned a public defender, and the prosecution will have to prove that the de-feline-dent actually committed a crime.
If convicted, the cat will receive a sentence anywhere from community service (forced to pick up trash along the highway) to life behind bars (I don't believe in the death penalty).
Now, I know what you're saying. This will cost taxpayers billions. It will make a mockery of the criminal justice system. Billions, you say? Well how much are we spending on the war?? A mockery of the criminal justice system? Um... hello, remember this?:
The System Doesn't Work
Cat jails will work as a deterrent, making feral cats think twice about attacking endangered birds. And they can pay for themselves... just charge admission to cat lovers, turning each cat jail into a sort of petting zoo.
The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced it will work. So write your congressman. Tell him you don't want another cent of your taxpayer dollars going towards the war, and you want it all directed towards cat jails. It's the only humane way to deal with this problem.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Opiate Of The Asses
I'm not ashamed to say it. I believe in God. Does he have a white beard and a deep, booming voice? Does he really dig pipe organ music?? I'm not so sure.
But what I am sure of is this. One reason God doesn't appear to us is that a good number of us humans are totally, freaking nuts.
Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are among several celebrities who have restraining orders against some of their overly rabid fans. Can you imagine how many restraining orders God would have to get if he was walking around down here? Have you seen some of these nutballs???
God Would Not Give This Woman An Autograph
Two recent stories are perfect examples of how looney tunes some of these so-called religious people can be.
In the Sudan, a nation known for its religious tolerance and abundant good cheer, a British schoolteacher at the Unity High School was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her elementary school class to name a teddy bear "Mohammad."
Nevermind that "Mohammad" is the MOST POPULAR NAME IN THE MUSLIM WORLD. For some reason, it's ok to give the name Mohammad to your son (who may grow up to become a drug addict, criminal, or any number of things offensive to the prophet's name), but to give that name to a teddy bear is illegal.
Fortunately, the Sudanese people are outraged by the verdict. Unfortunately, they're outraged because they believe the teacher's punishment was NOT STRONG ENOUGH.
Apparently, these extremist Muslims believe that even with all the poverty, war, and endless misery in the Islamic world, God is most pissed off that some teacher would have the nerve to let her students name a stuffed animal after his prophet.
If God wants his followers to murder someone over that... well just imagine what other offenses he wants his people to kill for.
I'm no prophet, but I think the almighty has more important things to worry about.
The other story in the news today is even more tragic. A 14-year-old boy had a 70% chance of surviving leukemia if he got a blood transfusion. He chose not to.
Why? he was a Jehovah's Witness. And they don't believe in blood transfusions. According to the boy's religion, he wasn't allowed to live. God wanted him to die.
The same God that allowed mankind to create medical breakthroughs that could save his life, didn't want the boy to use those medical breakthroughs to save his life.
These may be extreme examples, but they're not the only ones. There's people who say we'd all be better off without religion. I don't think that's true. But clearly, we'd be better off if God could just get restraining orders against all the nutjobs.
Perhaps he should hire Nicole's lawyer.
I'm not ashamed to say it. I believe in God. Does he have a white beard and a deep, booming voice? Does he really dig pipe organ music?? I'm not so sure.
But what I am sure of is this. One reason God doesn't appear to us is that a good number of us humans are totally, freaking nuts.
Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are among several celebrities who have restraining orders against some of their overly rabid fans. Can you imagine how many restraining orders God would have to get if he was walking around down here? Have you seen some of these nutballs???
God Would Not Give This Woman An Autograph
Two recent stories are perfect examples of how looney tunes some of these so-called religious people can be.
In the Sudan, a nation known for its religious tolerance and abundant good cheer, a British schoolteacher at the Unity High School was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her elementary school class to name a teddy bear "Mohammad."
Nevermind that "Mohammad" is the MOST POPULAR NAME IN THE MUSLIM WORLD. For some reason, it's ok to give the name Mohammad to your son (who may grow up to become a drug addict, criminal, or any number of things offensive to the prophet's name), but to give that name to a teddy bear is illegal.
Fortunately, the Sudanese people are outraged by the verdict. Unfortunately, they're outraged because they believe the teacher's punishment was NOT STRONG ENOUGH.
At least 600 Islamic demonstrators spilled out of mosques after prayers, chanting: "By soul, by blood, I will fight for the Prophet Mohammad.""Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan," a prominent cleric added.
Some of the protesters demanded the teacher's execution, according to The Associated Press. The agency reports that some chanted: "No tolerance: Execution" and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad."
Apparently, these extremist Muslims believe that even with all the poverty, war, and endless misery in the Islamic world, God is most pissed off that some teacher would have the nerve to let her students name a stuffed animal after his prophet.
If God wants his followers to murder someone over that... well just imagine what other offenses he wants his people to kill for.
Extremist Islamic Guy: Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?George Is Lucky He's Not In Sudan
Guy: What?
ETG: You double-dipped the chip.
Guy: Excuse me?
ETG: You dipped the chip, took a bite, and then you dipped again.
Guy: So?
ETG: Infidel!!!! (stabs guy with knife)
I'm no prophet, but I think the almighty has more important things to worry about.
The other story in the news today is even more tragic. A 14-year-old boy had a 70% chance of surviving leukemia if he got a blood transfusion. He chose not to.
Why? he was a Jehovah's Witness. And they don't believe in blood transfusions. According to the boy's religion, he wasn't allowed to live. God wanted him to die.
The same God that allowed mankind to create medical breakthroughs that could save his life, didn't want the boy to use those medical breakthroughs to save his life.
These may be extreme examples, but they're not the only ones. There's people who say we'd all be better off without religion. I don't think that's true. But clearly, we'd be better off if God could just get restraining orders against all the nutjobs.
Perhaps he should hire Nicole's lawyer.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sesame Street Bad For Kids?
Horrifying!
Just in time for the holidays, season 1&2 of Sesame Street are available on DVD. Just don't buy it for your kids!
The DVD is labeled with a warning to parents, cautioning them that these seasons of Sesame Street are not for today's youth. Apparently, kids today are stupider than ever before, and could be forever harmed by the subtle negative images portrayed in this pre-correctness-era classic. Cookie Monster evily encourages obesity. Oscar may drive kids to suicide. Burt and Ernie fool our kids into thinking homosexuality is fun!!! Egads!!!
I watched Sesame Street and I think I turned out okay. But I guess on some subconcious level, I was set down a path of destruction and doom because Snuffleufugus was just a figment of Big Bird's imagination.
Sheesh. Who knew?
In other news, this is what happens when your football team in 2-9. This is embarassing for Jets fans. They honor future hall-of-famer Jets running back Curtis Martin at halftime, and these guys are out chanting for tits? Buy a porno and keep the pervertedness at home.
Horrifying!
Just in time for the holidays, season 1&2 of Sesame Street are available on DVD. Just don't buy it for your kids!
The DVD is labeled with a warning to parents, cautioning them that these seasons of Sesame Street are not for today's youth. Apparently, kids today are stupider than ever before, and could be forever harmed by the subtle negative images portrayed in this pre-correctness-era classic. Cookie Monster evily encourages obesity. Oscar may drive kids to suicide. Burt and Ernie fool our kids into thinking homosexuality is fun!!! Egads!!!
I watched Sesame Street and I think I turned out okay. But I guess on some subconcious level, I was set down a path of destruction and doom because Snuffleufugus was just a figment of Big Bird's imagination.
Sheesh. Who knew?
In other news, this is what happens when your football team in 2-9. This is embarassing for Jets fans. They honor future hall-of-famer Jets running back Curtis Martin at halftime, and these guys are out chanting for tits? Buy a porno and keep the pervertedness at home.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Have A Guilt-Free Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is here again, and that means you'll probably be sitting down with the family to eat turkey, give thanks for your bounty, and recall our ancestors' joyous feast with the Native Americans.
Of course, you may feel guilty about participating in a mass slaughter of the bird Ben Franklin once described as "a Bird of Courage, [who] would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on." And you might have some qualms about celebrating your good fortune in the midst of so much worldwide poverty. And perhaps you view that joyful celebration with the Native Americans as phase one in a dark, scandalous plan to infect the natives with smallpox and slowly conquer their land. Not to mention how you feel about throwing away all that wasted food and the fear of sporting a bloated, bulbous stomach into the holiday season.
Here's five ways you can stop your Thanksgiving from becoming "Thanksguilting":
1. Adopt A Turkey
Yes, it is the turkey's fault for being so moist and delicious. But that doesn't mean turkeys don't deserve to live a fruitful life. At AdoptATurkey.org, $20 pays a turkey's room and board at a farm animal sanctuary in beautiful Watkins Glen, New York or Orland, California. You get a color photograph of your turkey, an adoption certificate and a year subscription to Farm Sanctuary's quarterly newsletter. Or you can home adopt a turkey and provide lifelong care for your new pet... carnivores need not apply.
Only Vegetarians Think This Cartoon Is Funny
2. Pay Back The Native Americans
You can't really make up for the injustices native Americans suffered at the hands of our ancestors. But you can help build a better future for their descendants. Donate to The American Indian College Fund, which helps provide scholarships and other support for the nation's tribal colleges and universities. Help Red Feather Development Group build a house for a native American community. And educate your family by watching Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, the powerful, Emmy-award winning, HBO-produced drama based on the U.S. government treatment of the Sioux after the battle of Little Big Horn (Tonight 10:30 on HBO2).
3. Feed The Hungry
The best thing you can do is to volunteer at a local soup kitchen. But if you can't handle getting "hands on," then how about donating money or food online to Second Harvest? Aspiring musicians can make a song about fighting hunger and contribute it to FightHunger.org. Or you can help out your favorite charity by using GoodSearch.com instead of Yahoo! and Google. They donate 50% of their ad revenue to the charities users pick.
4. Have An Eco-Friendly Thanksgiving
Save the environment while you expand your waistline. About.com has some generic tips on going green this holiday season. The Nature Conservancy suggests buying a slow-raised, organic "Heritage Turkey" and calculating ways to limit the carbon emissions your travel plans may cause. Take the Treehugger challenge and use only ingredients produced less than 100 miles from your home.
5. Do The Turkey Trot
Thanksgivings bring families together... which means you'll finally have enough people to make your very own sporting event! Have the family compete in a friendly race (the turkey trot). Or set up a game of flag football in the backyard. The more physical activity you do beforehand, the better that turkey will taste.
Well, there you have it. Any suggestions from you out there on how to make your Turkey Day guilt-free??
Thanksgiving is here again, and that means you'll probably be sitting down with the family to eat turkey, give thanks for your bounty, and recall our ancestors' joyous feast with the Native Americans.
Of course, you may feel guilty about participating in a mass slaughter of the bird Ben Franklin once described as "a Bird of Courage, [who] would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on." And you might have some qualms about celebrating your good fortune in the midst of so much worldwide poverty. And perhaps you view that joyful celebration with the Native Americans as phase one in a dark, scandalous plan to infect the natives with smallpox and slowly conquer their land. Not to mention how you feel about throwing away all that wasted food and the fear of sporting a bloated, bulbous stomach into the holiday season.
Here's five ways you can stop your Thanksgiving from becoming "Thanksguilting":
1. Adopt A Turkey
Yes, it is the turkey's fault for being so moist and delicious. But that doesn't mean turkeys don't deserve to live a fruitful life. At AdoptATurkey.org, $20 pays a turkey's room and board at a farm animal sanctuary in beautiful Watkins Glen, New York or Orland, California. You get a color photograph of your turkey, an adoption certificate and a year subscription to Farm Sanctuary's quarterly newsletter. Or you can home adopt a turkey and provide lifelong care for your new pet... carnivores need not apply.
Only Vegetarians Think This Cartoon Is Funny
2. Pay Back The Native Americans
You can't really make up for the injustices native Americans suffered at the hands of our ancestors. But you can help build a better future for their descendants. Donate to The American Indian College Fund, which helps provide scholarships and other support for the nation's tribal colleges and universities. Help Red Feather Development Group build a house for a native American community. And educate your family by watching Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, the powerful, Emmy-award winning, HBO-produced drama based on the U.S. government treatment of the Sioux after the battle of Little Big Horn (Tonight 10:30 on HBO2).
3. Feed The Hungry
The best thing you can do is to volunteer at a local soup kitchen. But if you can't handle getting "hands on," then how about donating money or food online to Second Harvest? Aspiring musicians can make a song about fighting hunger and contribute it to FightHunger.org. Or you can help out your favorite charity by using GoodSearch.com instead of Yahoo! and Google. They donate 50% of their ad revenue to the charities users pick.
4. Have An Eco-Friendly Thanksgiving
Save the environment while you expand your waistline. About.com has some generic tips on going green this holiday season. The Nature Conservancy suggests buying a slow-raised, organic "Heritage Turkey" and calculating ways to limit the carbon emissions your travel plans may cause. Take the Treehugger challenge and use only ingredients produced less than 100 miles from your home.
5. Do The Turkey Trot
Thanksgivings bring families together... which means you'll finally have enough people to make your very own sporting event! Have the family compete in a friendly race (the turkey trot). Or set up a game of flag football in the backyard. The more physical activity you do beforehand, the better that turkey will taste.
Well, there you have it. Any suggestions from you out there on how to make your Turkey Day guilt-free??
Thursday, November 15, 2007
From MySpace To Murder - Part II
Almost exactly two years ago, I wrote one of the first articles to note the phenomenon of "personal" social networking profiles and blogs suddenly becoming very public due to their author's notoriety after a newsworthy event: a piece about 14-year-old Kara Borden and her 18-year-old paramour, David Ludwig. David was convicted of killing Kara's parents when they refused to allow her to date him. Their online profiles provided reporters and the public a small window into a relationship that led to tragedy.
Since then, we've seen countless examples of news organizations using information from the Facebook, MySpace and YouTube accounts of individuals who become newsworthy due to crime and scandal. The latest involves a University of Washington student, Amanda Knox, age 20, who allegedly aided and abetted the murder of her roommate, Meredith Kercher, 21, a British exchange student, while the two were studying abroad in Italy.
The sordid details of the murder drew international attention. At first, the police were baffled. They looked through the victims Facebook pictures for clues.
After a friend of the victim mentioned strange men that had visited the apartment with Amanda, the victims roommate was questioned. Amanda's story didn't seem to add up. She acted odd and changed her story when confronted by police. Then Amanda's online profiles were uncovered.
Amanda had a MySpace and Facebook profile, and even was featured in a short YouTube video. In the context of the grisly murder, Amanda's online persona takes on a chilling tone.
On her MySpace page, Amanda goes by the handle "Foxy Knoxy" The British press has already adopted this nickname to refer to Amanda in their sensational headlines. Schoolmates allege Amanda was constantly bringing strange men to her apartment for sex.
Her profile states that she doesn't drink or smoke, but her YouTube video seems to indicate otherwise:
In her MySpace blog, she wrote a short story about the drugging and rape of a young woman:
"A thing you have to know about chicks is that they don't know what they want," one of her characters says.
Her MySpace account links her to one of the other suspects involved. A man she allegedly carried out the crime with is referred to on the MySpace page:
Amanda's (Now Public) MySpace Pictures
It's an answer the courts will decide for sure, but for now, Amanda's online persona invites the world to speculate. Amanda, like Kara and David before her, serve as reminders that online profiles are very public indeed, and users would be wise to be concious of what they reveal. Amanda is just the latest MySpacer to find that, in times of trouble, your "My Space" can become everyone's.
----------------
Meredith's friends have set up a Facebook Group in her memory.
Almost exactly two years ago, I wrote one of the first articles to note the phenomenon of "personal" social networking profiles and blogs suddenly becoming very public due to their author's notoriety after a newsworthy event: a piece about 14-year-old Kara Borden and her 18-year-old paramour, David Ludwig. David was convicted of killing Kara's parents when they refused to allow her to date him. Their online profiles provided reporters and the public a small window into a relationship that led to tragedy.
Since then, we've seen countless examples of news organizations using information from the Facebook, MySpace and YouTube accounts of individuals who become newsworthy due to crime and scandal. The latest involves a University of Washington student, Amanda Knox, age 20, who allegedly aided and abetted the murder of her roommate, Meredith Kercher, 21, a British exchange student, while the two were studying abroad in Italy.
The sordid details of the murder drew international attention. At first, the police were baffled. They looked through the victims Facebook pictures for clues.
After a friend of the victim mentioned strange men that had visited the apartment with Amanda, the victims roommate was questioned. Amanda's story didn't seem to add up. She acted odd and changed her story when confronted by police. Then Amanda's online profiles were uncovered.
Amanda had a MySpace and Facebook profile, and even was featured in a short YouTube video. In the context of the grisly murder, Amanda's online persona takes on a chilling tone.
On her MySpace page, Amanda goes by the handle "Foxy Knoxy" The British press has already adopted this nickname to refer to Amanda in their sensational headlines. Schoolmates allege Amanda was constantly bringing strange men to her apartment for sex.
Her profile states that she doesn't drink or smoke, but her YouTube video seems to indicate otherwise:
In her MySpace blog, she wrote a short story about the drugging and rape of a young woman:
"A thing you have to know about chicks is that they don't know what they want," one of her characters says.
Her MySpace account links her to one of the other suspects involved. A man she allegedly carried out the crime with is referred to on the MySpace page:
"I've been working every night (except for Monday night) from 10pm to 2.30am at a bar called Le Chic. It's a really small place owned by this man from the Congo. His name is Patrick."News outlets have picked up on all this. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer questions whether or not online profiles are "fair game" for journalists to pick at. As the Seattle Crime Blog puts it, sarcastically:
How foolish we reporters are, thinking that something somebody puts up on the Internet is - gasp! - public information. The Internet is "a place to share and be open." ...Amanda Knox was open, and the media is sharing. Shocking, I know.As I said two years ago, an online profile will never give an exact picture of a person, infamous or not. But in the case of sudden noteriety, everything on an online profile becomes open to interpretation. Reporters and the public seek out an online profile so they can attempt to sort out who a person is. Amanda is vehemently defended by friends back home, but pretty much vilified in this news article. What side of the story does the online profile, the only thing actually written by the defendant, seem to support? On one hand, Amanda liked Disney's The Lion King and listed her mom as her hero. On the other hand, she wrote stories about rape and refered to herself with a sexual nickname. How wholesome was she?
Amanda's (Now Public) MySpace Pictures
It's an answer the courts will decide for sure, but for now, Amanda's online persona invites the world to speculate. Amanda, like Kara and David before her, serve as reminders that online profiles are very public indeed, and users would be wise to be concious of what they reveal. Amanda is just the latest MySpacer to find that, in times of trouble, your "My Space" can become everyone's.
----------------
Meredith's friends have set up a Facebook Group in her memory.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Some New Features!
You may have noticed a few additions here. One is the "Share" button at the bottom of each post. If you like a story, click the button and you can share it on Facebook, Digg, or any number of social networking or bookmarking sites.
Also, i've added a "Top Topics" section to the right-hand sidebar. Scroll down to see it. You can click on a subject, and you'll be presented with every story I've written on that subject. It's not complete yet (I only started tagging stories about a year ago) but will be soon.
So please, keep up the good commenting and check out the new features. Hopefully they'll help you to share your undying love for this most awesome blog with others.
You may have noticed a few additions here. One is the "Share" button at the bottom of each post. If you like a story, click the button and you can share it on Facebook, Digg, or any number of social networking or bookmarking sites.
Also, i've added a "Top Topics" section to the right-hand sidebar. Scroll down to see it. You can click on a subject, and you'll be presented with every story I've written on that subject. It's not complete yet (I only started tagging stories about a year ago) but will be soon.
So please, keep up the good commenting and check out the new features. Hopefully they'll help you to share your undying love for this most awesome blog with others.
Friday, November 09, 2007
The NFL in London: A Multimedia Essay
I went to London for the Giants-Dolphins NFL game (You may remember the problems me and my friend had getting tickets). Here's a few impressions of the first NFL regular season game to ever be played overseas...
Giant Jason Taylor
Godzilla? Or Questionable Marketing Strategy?
I know the NFL was trying to hype up the game... but a giant Jason Taylor robot? That's what they came up with?? The NFL's bizarre choice made limited appearances across London, and ended its reign of terror in a cordoned off section of the parking lot reserved for people who paid big money to sit in the rain for a soggy tailgate party. Could the money have been better spent on multiple, simultaneous events around the city, to better capture the attention of the locals? Perhaps a dozen NFL-themed tea parties? I think so.
Wembley Stadium
Otherwise Known As The "Mud Bowl"
Wembley is a great stadium. Although it was pouring outside, I was covered by the roof that extends over the seats. Down by the field, the first few rows are exposed, and these emptied quickly when the rain really started dumping down. But the rest of us were nice and dry (except for the Dolphins fan in front of me, whom I accidentally spilled beer on).
He Didn't Even Notice
However, the field isn't covered in Wembley. And that caused problems with the game, which I'll get to in a moment.
I found the concession stands pretty easy to navigate, although some complained about long lines. I guess I was lucky. I got myself some beers and a pot pie (they love pot pies in England).
Nothing Like A Spot Of Ale And Pie
The Pre-Game Show
Whoa boy. The NFL went all out on this one. Continuing the theme of oversized NFL players, the field was graced by two giant football jerseys, rotating in time with the music, "I Love It When You Call," provided by British pop group The Feeling. The song is actually really catchy, by which I mean it will annoyingly stick in your head until the end of time. You've been warned. Check it out here.
The Cheerleaders
Cheer Girls, I Salute You
These girls were the real stars of the show. If it's anything that brings the NFL back to London again after this slop fest, its the beauty, grace, and very soaked breasts of Miami's 40 or so cheerleaders, who braved the rain jacketless for nearly three quarters, and did it all with a smile on their faces. It's a shame they didn't have much to root for.
Smashing.
Halftime Show
Was this a joke? A marching band? A small marching band? Playing Rocky?? The crowd that hadn't headed to the concession stands laughed them off the field.
The Real Halftime Show
Now That's Halftime Entertainment
Just before the kickoff to start the second half, a referee, heading towards midfield, stripped off his clothes. He wasn't a ref. He was a streaker. He ran to the middle of the field, stark naked, as everyone else watched. First, he did a jig. Then, he began doing push-ups.
Oh, Those Crazy Brits
It took a good minute before security even acknowledged something was happening. Perhaps they realized this was more of a halftime show than the actual halftime show. I heard that on TV, they refused to say what was going on. Well, my friends, it was quite entertaining. Watch the video here... if you want to see what you missed on TV.
The Game
Drops, Flops and Mud-slops Defined London's First NFL Game
Well. You probably watched it on TV, and saw for yourself. The field was a bloody mess (bloody in the British sense of the word). The passing game never got going for either team, with drops galore.
One odd thing was that the stadium atmosphere was very subdued at points. While the crowd did start "the wave," and chanted "That's Another Dolphins FIRST DOWN" with the announcer, the stadium lacked the sort of "pump up the crowd" devices we're so used to in the states. No Jumbotron prompt for De-Fense!! De-Fence!! No blaring rock anthems during timeouts and instant replay reviews. No "Charge" or things like that. After Dolphins scores, they did play an annoying Dolphins song, but that was about it. Since this was a British crowd not familiar with traditional football cheers, you'd think the NFL would do more to get them involved.
The most exciting plays were Eli Manning's touchdown run, and Cleo Lemon's touchdown pass to Ted Ginn Jr. The crowd actually got back into the game after that touchdown pass... but booed lustily when the Giants ran out the clock to end the game.
Eli's TD Run, As Captured By My Cell Phone Camera:
High quality, I know. The running white smudge is Eli.
He Looks Better In This Reuters Photo
Leaving Wembley
Wembley At Night
The crowd was huge, but moved along quickly. We were back to the hostel in a little more than half an hour. Better than Giants Stadium transportation, that's for sure.
Tube 'n It Up
All in all, an unforgettable experience. I'm glad I got to go. We met a lot of die hard football fans from across the pond... people who had loved the Giants and Dolphins for years but never seen them in person. For them, this game was evidence that the NFL cares about their dedication. Despite a few missteps, I think the NFL showed it has potential to expand beyond American borders.
I had a great time. And I miss the tea and crumpets already.
Goodbye To London, For Now
I went to London for the Giants-Dolphins NFL game (You may remember the problems me and my friend had getting tickets). Here's a few impressions of the first NFL regular season game to ever be played overseas...
Giant Jason Taylor
Godzilla? Or Questionable Marketing Strategy?
I know the NFL was trying to hype up the game... but a giant Jason Taylor robot? That's what they came up with?? The NFL's bizarre choice made limited appearances across London, and ended its reign of terror in a cordoned off section of the parking lot reserved for people who paid big money to sit in the rain for a soggy tailgate party. Could the money have been better spent on multiple, simultaneous events around the city, to better capture the attention of the locals? Perhaps a dozen NFL-themed tea parties? I think so.
Wembley Stadium
Otherwise Known As The "Mud Bowl"
Wembley is a great stadium. Although it was pouring outside, I was covered by the roof that extends over the seats. Down by the field, the first few rows are exposed, and these emptied quickly when the rain really started dumping down. But the rest of us were nice and dry (except for the Dolphins fan in front of me, whom I accidentally spilled beer on).
He Didn't Even Notice
However, the field isn't covered in Wembley. And that caused problems with the game, which I'll get to in a moment.
I found the concession stands pretty easy to navigate, although some complained about long lines. I guess I was lucky. I got myself some beers and a pot pie (they love pot pies in England).
Nothing Like A Spot Of Ale And Pie
The Pre-Game Show
Whoa boy. The NFL went all out on this one. Continuing the theme of oversized NFL players, the field was graced by two giant football jerseys, rotating in time with the music, "I Love It When You Call," provided by British pop group The Feeling. The song is actually really catchy, by which I mean it will annoyingly stick in your head until the end of time. You've been warned. Check it out here.
The Cheerleaders
Cheer Girls, I Salute You
These girls were the real stars of the show. If it's anything that brings the NFL back to London again after this slop fest, its the beauty, grace, and very soaked breasts of Miami's 40 or so cheerleaders, who braved the rain jacketless for nearly three quarters, and did it all with a smile on their faces. It's a shame they didn't have much to root for.
Smashing.
Halftime Show
Was this a joke? A marching band? A small marching band? Playing Rocky?? The crowd that hadn't headed to the concession stands laughed them off the field.
The Real Halftime Show
Now That's Halftime Entertainment
Just before the kickoff to start the second half, a referee, heading towards midfield, stripped off his clothes. He wasn't a ref. He was a streaker. He ran to the middle of the field, stark naked, as everyone else watched. First, he did a jig. Then, he began doing push-ups.
Oh, Those Crazy Brits
It took a good minute before security even acknowledged something was happening. Perhaps they realized this was more of a halftime show than the actual halftime show. I heard that on TV, they refused to say what was going on. Well, my friends, it was quite entertaining. Watch the video here... if you want to see what you missed on TV.
The Game
Drops, Flops and Mud-slops Defined London's First NFL Game
Well. You probably watched it on TV, and saw for yourself. The field was a bloody mess (bloody in the British sense of the word). The passing game never got going for either team, with drops galore.
One odd thing was that the stadium atmosphere was very subdued at points. While the crowd did start "the wave," and chanted "That's Another Dolphins FIRST DOWN" with the announcer, the stadium lacked the sort of "pump up the crowd" devices we're so used to in the states. No Jumbotron prompt for De-Fense!! De-Fence!! No blaring rock anthems during timeouts and instant replay reviews. No "Charge" or things like that. After Dolphins scores, they did play an annoying Dolphins song, but that was about it. Since this was a British crowd not familiar with traditional football cheers, you'd think the NFL would do more to get them involved.
The most exciting plays were Eli Manning's touchdown run, and Cleo Lemon's touchdown pass to Ted Ginn Jr. The crowd actually got back into the game after that touchdown pass... but booed lustily when the Giants ran out the clock to end the game.
Eli's TD Run, As Captured By My Cell Phone Camera:
High quality, I know. The running white smudge is Eli.
He Looks Better In This Reuters Photo
Leaving Wembley
Wembley At Night
The crowd was huge, but moved along quickly. We were back to the hostel in a little more than half an hour. Better than Giants Stadium transportation, that's for sure.
Tube 'n It Up
All in all, an unforgettable experience. I'm glad I got to go. We met a lot of die hard football fans from across the pond... people who had loved the Giants and Dolphins for years but never seen them in person. For them, this game was evidence that the NFL cares about their dedication. Despite a few missteps, I think the NFL showed it has potential to expand beyond American borders.
I had a great time. And I miss the tea and crumpets already.
Goodbye To London, For Now
Dude, You're Getting A Taco!
Commercial watchers and NYU students might remember Benjamin Curtis, otherwise known as "The Dell Dude," for the series of television advertisements he did for Dell Computers in the early 00's. A former Eagle Scout and Tisch School of the Arts student, Curtis infamously lost his job when he was busted buying pot on the Lower East Side, while wearing a tuxedo top and kilt.
New York Magazine reports that Curtis is now working as a waiter at a Mexican restaurant, in between acting jobs. He sounds humbled by his experience. And not at all like that obnoxious Dell Dude.
Commercial watchers and NYU students might remember Benjamin Curtis, otherwise known as "The Dell Dude," for the series of television advertisements he did for Dell Computers in the early 00's. A former Eagle Scout and Tisch School of the Arts student, Curtis infamously lost his job when he was busted buying pot on the Lower East Side, while wearing a tuxedo top and kilt.
New York Magazine reports that Curtis is now working as a waiter at a Mexican restaurant, in between acting jobs. He sounds humbled by his experience. And not at all like that obnoxious Dell Dude.
"I’ve had tables of young girls who think they recognize me, and when they ask me, I say 'yes' and then they don’t believe me and they start arguing and ask me to do the catchphrase and I’ll laugh and say, 'It’s been four years, but I’m glad you’re a fan.'"
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Diamonds Are My Best Friend
Imagine a place where diamonds lie on the ground, and anyone can just go and pick them up. That's right, anyone. Not just ruthless Blood Diamond-style smugglers (good movie, by the way), or wealthy mine owners... we're talkin you, me, and Dupree (awful movie, incidently).
Until today, I didn't know such a place existed. But then I read this article: Man nearly tosses 4.38-carat diamond.
Apparently, Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson found a huge diamond at a state park and failed to realize it's value until the last minute.
He found the diamond in a place called Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas. According to the AP, the park is "the world's only diamond-producing site open to the public, and visitors can keep the gems they unearth."
!!!!!!
Yes. Wow. How have I not heard of this place before??? Why the hell are people dying in Africa over diamonds, when they could just pick up some diamonds at the park??
And apparently these diamonds are not difficult to uncover. According to the AP, 700 diamonds have been found this year!! Johnson was making a living finding diamonds and selling them!!
I've never been particularly interested in Arkansas. Sure, Bill Clinton's from there, and I think it's funny they pronounce it Arkansaw. But until today, I never considered going down there for a lucrative future.
I had trouble believing it, but according to the park's website:
Just keep your grubby hands off my diamonds.
Imagine a place where diamonds lie on the ground, and anyone can just go and pick them up. That's right, anyone. Not just ruthless Blood Diamond-style smugglers (good movie, by the way), or wealthy mine owners... we're talkin you, me, and Dupree (awful movie, incidently).
Until today, I didn't know such a place existed. But then I read this article: Man nearly tosses 4.38-carat diamond.
Apparently, Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson found a huge diamond at a state park and failed to realize it's value until the last minute.
He found the diamond in a place called Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas. According to the AP, the park is "the world's only diamond-producing site open to the public, and visitors can keep the gems they unearth."
!!!!!!
Yes. Wow. How have I not heard of this place before??? Why the hell are people dying in Africa over diamonds, when they could just pick up some diamonds at the park??
And apparently these diamonds are not difficult to uncover. According to the AP, 700 diamonds have been found this year!! Johnson was making a living finding diamonds and selling them!!
I've never been particularly interested in Arkansas. Sure, Bill Clinton's from there, and I think it's funny they pronounce it Arkansaw. But until today, I never considered going down there for a lucrative future.
I had trouble believing it, but according to the park's website:
Diamonds of all colors of the rainbow can be found here at Crater of Diamonds, but the three most common colors unearthed by park visitors are white, brown and yellow. This Arkansas Diamond Mine is a rockhound's delight since, along with diamonds, over 40 types of rocks and minerals can found here, too. These rocks and minerals include lamproite, amethyst, banded agate, jasper, peridot, garnet, quartz, calcite, barite and hematite.I suspect now that this AP article has hit the newspapers, the secret is out. Can we expect an Arkansas diamond rush as monumental as the California gold rushes of the 1800's? I, for one, am packing my pick axe and burlap diamond collection bag. I'll see you all in Murfreesboro, Arkansaw.
...the policy here is "finders keepers." Any diamonds, semi-precious stones, rocks or minerals you unearth are yours to keep, regardless of their value.
Just keep your grubby hands off my diamonds.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Are The Japanese On Drugs??
They brought us unparalelled technology, ushering in the age of handheld electronics and sophisticated automobiles. Sony, Toyota, Mitsubishii... the Japanese always seem to be on the leading edge. Which is why this New York Times article about a new Japanese fashion trend is so disturbing.
Apparently, the Japanese are so afraid of crime, that people are developing disguises that can fool would-be muggers into thinking their victim is a coke machine.
Yes.
Now... I'm not a mugger. So I can't pretend to know what they think. But if I see a guy dressed as a coke machine, I'm probably MORE LIKELY to kick the shit out of them. It's just so damn tempting.
Not to mention the embarassment that can ensue when someone accuses you of eating their quarters.
I sincerely hope this is some kind of joke. Because if it isn't, then I suspect some Japanese may be slippin a little somethin extra into their sake.
And even if it doesn't, it'll make a hell of a Halloween costume.
They brought us unparalelled technology, ushering in the age of handheld electronics and sophisticated automobiles. Sony, Toyota, Mitsubishii... the Japanese always seem to be on the leading edge. Which is why this New York Times article about a new Japanese fashion trend is so disturbing.
Apparently, the Japanese are so afraid of crime, that people are developing disguises that can fool would-be muggers into thinking their victim is a coke machine.
Yes.
Now... I'm not a mugger. So I can't pretend to know what they think. But if I see a guy dressed as a coke machine, I'm probably MORE LIKELY to kick the shit out of them. It's just so damn tempting.
Not to mention the embarassment that can ensue when someone accuses you of eating their quarters.
Take the “manhole bag,” a purse that can hide valuables by unfolding to look like a sewer cover. Lay it on the street with your wallet inside, and unwitting thieves are supposed to walk right by.Um, yes... walk right by. After snatching the odd-looking manhole-shaped purse from it's easy pickins placement on the street.
I sincerely hope this is some kind of joke. Because if it isn't, then I suspect some Japanese may be slippin a little somethin extra into their sake.
“It is just easier for Japanese to hide,” Ms. Tsukioka said. “Making a scene would be too embarrassing.” She said her vending machine disguise was inspired by a trick used by the ancient ninja, who cloaked themselves in black blankets at night.Oh.. yes. Dressing as a coke machine? Not embarrassing at all. In fact, it's just what the ninjas would do... if they wanted to fight an army of sentient vending machines.
“These ideas might strike foreigners as far-fetched,” she added, “but in Japan, they can become reality.”Then again, maybe she does have a point. I'm sure many people thought the idea of a Furby was pretty far-fetched. Maybe the Coke-machine disguise will catch on.
And even if it doesn't, it'll make a hell of a Halloween costume.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Political Joke Contest!!
Why Is This Man Laughing?
My uncle, whom I love, is unfortunately a republican. Yes, he is still invited to family functions, and despite his political leanings, he's a good man. But every so often he emails some anti-Democrat jokes. He sent one out recently, and I decided to send him a Republican joke back. But looking on the web... I couldn't really find any good Republican jokes. I remember hearing them time and time again, but the ones I found on the web were pretty lame (This site had a few zippy ones). So I decided to attempt to create my own Republican jokes. I'm a writer, I'm somewhat funny... how hard could it be?
My first attempt:
A republican congressman walks into the airport bathroom and sits down in a stall. While he's doing his business, he looks down and notices the man in the stall next door tapping his foot. Worrying that it might be an invitation for gay sex, the republican quickly gets up and dashes out. He's immediately apprehended by the police. "I didn't proposition anyone for gay sex!" the republican insists. "We know," the cop says. "But you still murdered that hooker."
Hilarious!!!!
Well. No, not really. I tried to think of something clever for the punchline, but everything I thought of was pretty lame.
This is hard work. I moved on and tried another one...
Dick Cheney and a monkey are sitting in a tree. Suddenly, the monkey throws a coconut at Dick. "Hey, watch it!' Cheney yells. The monkey throws another coconut at him. "I'm warning you!" Dick shakes his fist at the monkey. After a moment, the monkey throws yet another coconut. "That's it!" Cheney yells. "I'm gonna kick your ass, I don't care if you are the President!"
Ha!! Now that's a little better. No?
Finally, I went for something more complex. Yes! Puns!
A republican senator moved to a farm in Iowa to gain an advantage in the upcoming Presidential primaries. He'd never farmed before, so he decided to ask his neighbor for some advice. "Well," the neighbor said, "You'll need to buy a good hoe, spread some bull shit, and plow a pasture." The republican got excited. "I know plenty of hookers, and I can bullshit with the best of them, but where can I find a pastor?"
Bingo!!! No? Not funny? Well, lets see you do better.
In fact, you, know, that's a great idea! There's so few original, good, current political jokes out there. Everyone seems to be copying and pasting the same few old ones. So, dear readers, show off your wit and wackiness by writing a brief joke of your own!!
The best joke, chosen by me, will receive a free t-shirt with their joke displayed proudly on it.
So get writin'
A few suggestions...
- Start off with a typical joke beginning, like, "A republican walks into a bar..."
- Don't get too preachy. Half the "jokes" I read on the web were actually valid, unfunny criticisms of the government. Monkeys throwing coconuts is funny. People dying in the Sudan... not so much.
- Keep it simple. The longer a joke goes on, the more I get bored. That punchline better be a hoot if I'm going to read four paragraphs.
I look forward to reading all .5 of your entries.
Why Is This Man Laughing?
My uncle, whom I love, is unfortunately a republican. Yes, he is still invited to family functions, and despite his political leanings, he's a good man. But every so often he emails some anti-Democrat jokes. He sent one out recently, and I decided to send him a Republican joke back. But looking on the web... I couldn't really find any good Republican jokes. I remember hearing them time and time again, but the ones I found on the web were pretty lame (This site had a few zippy ones). So I decided to attempt to create my own Republican jokes. I'm a writer, I'm somewhat funny... how hard could it be?
My first attempt:
A republican congressman walks into the airport bathroom and sits down in a stall. While he's doing his business, he looks down and notices the man in the stall next door tapping his foot. Worrying that it might be an invitation for gay sex, the republican quickly gets up and dashes out. He's immediately apprehended by the police. "I didn't proposition anyone for gay sex!" the republican insists. "We know," the cop says. "But you still murdered that hooker."
Hilarious!!!!
Well. No, not really. I tried to think of something clever for the punchline, but everything I thought of was pretty lame.
This is hard work. I moved on and tried another one...
Dick Cheney and a monkey are sitting in a tree. Suddenly, the monkey throws a coconut at Dick. "Hey, watch it!' Cheney yells. The monkey throws another coconut at him. "I'm warning you!" Dick shakes his fist at the monkey. After a moment, the monkey throws yet another coconut. "That's it!" Cheney yells. "I'm gonna kick your ass, I don't care if you are the President!"
Ha!! Now that's a little better. No?
Finally, I went for something more complex. Yes! Puns!
A republican senator moved to a farm in Iowa to gain an advantage in the upcoming Presidential primaries. He'd never farmed before, so he decided to ask his neighbor for some advice. "Well," the neighbor said, "You'll need to buy a good hoe, spread some bull shit, and plow a pasture." The republican got excited. "I know plenty of hookers, and I can bullshit with the best of them, but where can I find a pastor?"
Bingo!!! No? Not funny? Well, lets see you do better.
In fact, you, know, that's a great idea! There's so few original, good, current political jokes out there. Everyone seems to be copying and pasting the same few old ones. So, dear readers, show off your wit and wackiness by writing a brief joke of your own!!
The best joke, chosen by me, will receive a free t-shirt with their joke displayed proudly on it.
So get writin'
A few suggestions...
- Start off with a typical joke beginning, like, "A republican walks into a bar..."
- Don't get too preachy. Half the "jokes" I read on the web were actually valid, unfunny criticisms of the government. Monkeys throwing coconuts is funny. People dying in the Sudan... not so much.
- Keep it simple. The longer a joke goes on, the more I get bored. That punchline better be a hoot if I'm going to read four paragraphs.
I look forward to reading all .5 of your entries.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Belarus President Wishes He Was Hitler
Heil... Lukashenko?
Lukashenko's anti-semitic remarks came less than ten days after vandals destroyed 15 graves at a Jewish cemetery in Bobruisk.
Bobriusk was once a thriving city with a sizable Jewish population. Of course, that was before Hitler's armies came to town.
According to the always reliable Wikipedia:
Seems to me that Nazis and Pogroms were more to blame. If anything, the LACK of Jews is the reason for Bobriusk's downfall. They once made up 60% of the population, and the city thrived. After they were killed off and driven out, the town never fully recovered.
But apparently Lukashenko believes otherwise. Since he's been in charge, anti-Semitic brochures and books have proliferated, desecration of Jewish cemeteries is on the rise and the republic's only Jewish university has closed. He was once quoted as saying...
Heil... Lukashenko?
"This is a Jewish city, and the Jews are not concerned for the place they live in. They have turned Bobruisk into a pigsty. Look at Israel – I was there." -Mustached Belarusian Leader Alexander Lukashenko.Paradoxically, Lukashenko added, "I call on Jews who have money to come back to Bobruisk."
Lukashenko's anti-semitic remarks came less than ten days after vandals destroyed 15 graves at a Jewish cemetery in Bobruisk.
Bobriusk was once a thriving city with a sizable Jewish population. Of course, that was before Hitler's armies came to town.
According to the always reliable Wikipedia:
Believing that German troops would not target civlians, many Jews stayed behind. Consequently, 20,000 Babruysk Jews were shot and buried in mass graves. Ghetto and labor camps were established in the southwest part of town. The conditions inside the camps were horrible and involved lack of food, lack of sanitation and perpetual abuse by the Nazi guards. Soon the Nazis began executing the Jews in the ghetto in groups of about 30. By 1943 all labor camps have been liquidated and the remaining Jews killed. The few Jews who escaped joined partisan forces in the surrounding forest and went about attacking enemy railroad lines. There is a small memorial dedicated to the memory of Babrujsk Jews killed in the Holocaust, located in the Nachlat Yitzhak cemetery, Giv'atáyim, Israel, as part of the Babi Yar memorial.As one blogger points out, in 1999 there were just 1,360 Jews in Bobruisk out of 227,000 people, which equates to just 0.5% of the population. This .5 is somehow responsible for the downfall of the town?
Seems to me that Nazis and Pogroms were more to blame. If anything, the LACK of Jews is the reason for Bobriusk's downfall. They once made up 60% of the population, and the city thrived. After they were killed off and driven out, the town never fully recovered.
But apparently Lukashenko believes otherwise. Since he's been in charge, anti-Semitic brochures and books have proliferated, desecration of Jewish cemeteries is on the rise and the republic's only Jewish university has closed. He was once quoted as saying...
"The history of Germany is a copy of the history of Belarus. Germany was raised from the ruins thanks to firm authority, and not everything connected with that well known figure, Adolf Hitler, was bad. German order evolved over the centuries and under Hitler it attained its peak."
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Liberals Steal Dogs From Children
By Robbie Republican
Everyday in this country, I hear another frightening story about the downfall of the American family. Our values are quickly vanishing, and soon, we'll be left with nothing but a wasteland of homosexual baby killers, who will soon die off from lack of reproduction and return the land to its natural, God-given state.
The latest story concerns the recent dog adoption by famous lesbian Ellen DeGeneres. You undoubtedly have read my book, Lesbians Are Hot But Gays Are Not, in which I write that lesbians use the devil to convince certain parts of the male anatomy into approving of their lifestyle. On page 113, I refer to DeGeneres as "Ellen Degenerate." That's trademarked by the way.
But Ellen did a noble thing recently. Realizing that two pie eaters are unfit to raise a dog, she gave her adopted pup, Iggy, to a heterosexual family. If only more liberal free love drug addicts did the same thing. Ellen gave the dog to her hairstylist's family. The hairstylist's two daughters, 11 and 12, fell in love with it.
But when the agency called to check in on the dog, they found out about the transfer of ownership. Apparently, they think heterosexuals shouldn't own dogs. So they sent their Greenpeace thugs to the hairdresser's house, and ripped the dog out of the arms of its loving, and moral, new owners.
I am outraged. And so should you be. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say that liberal America is on a rampage, seeking to tear out the pillars holding up the basic values of our country.
If a dog adoption agency thinks a lesbian junta is a fit owner for a dog, but thinks a typical American family is not, then who's to say that a human adoption agency won't conclude the same thing? It's a slippery slope, people, and the communists are greasing it up.
I urge every good, honest, Christian, hardworking, strong and patriotic American to protest this "Mutts & Mao" adoption agency. Show them that we'd rather let dogs get euthanized then send them into the hairy, brainwashing arms of the liberal lezzies.
My hero, Ronald Reagan, once said, "Win one for the Gipper!" I say, lets win this one for Iggy, for our children, and for America.
Next week, on my radio show, I'll talk about how the liberal media is using Hollywood studios to fool the American public into thinking the war in Iraq hasn't ended already.
Till then, God bless America. We're gonna need it.
By Robbie Republican
Everyday in this country, I hear another frightening story about the downfall of the American family. Our values are quickly vanishing, and soon, we'll be left with nothing but a wasteland of homosexual baby killers, who will soon die off from lack of reproduction and return the land to its natural, God-given state.
The latest story concerns the recent dog adoption by famous lesbian Ellen DeGeneres. You undoubtedly have read my book, Lesbians Are Hot But Gays Are Not, in which I write that lesbians use the devil to convince certain parts of the male anatomy into approving of their lifestyle. On page 113, I refer to DeGeneres as "Ellen Degenerate." That's trademarked by the way.
But Ellen did a noble thing recently. Realizing that two pie eaters are unfit to raise a dog, she gave her adopted pup, Iggy, to a heterosexual family. If only more liberal free love drug addicts did the same thing. Ellen gave the dog to her hairstylist's family. The hairstylist's two daughters, 11 and 12, fell in love with it.
But when the agency called to check in on the dog, they found out about the transfer of ownership. Apparently, they think heterosexuals shouldn't own dogs. So they sent their Greenpeace thugs to the hairdresser's house, and ripped the dog out of the arms of its loving, and moral, new owners.
I am outraged. And so should you be. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say that liberal America is on a rampage, seeking to tear out the pillars holding up the basic values of our country.
If a dog adoption agency thinks a lesbian junta is a fit owner for a dog, but thinks a typical American family is not, then who's to say that a human adoption agency won't conclude the same thing? It's a slippery slope, people, and the communists are greasing it up.
I urge every good, honest, Christian, hardworking, strong and patriotic American to protest this "Mutts & Mao" adoption agency. Show them that we'd rather let dogs get euthanized then send them into the hairy, brainwashing arms of the liberal lezzies.
My hero, Ronald Reagan, once said, "Win one for the Gipper!" I say, lets win this one for Iggy, for our children, and for America.
Next week, on my radio show, I'll talk about how the liberal media is using Hollywood studios to fool the American public into thinking the war in Iraq hasn't ended already.
Till then, God bless America. We're gonna need it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Oh, My God-Oh, Mr. Roboto!
Are you tired of dealing with the imperfections of your significant other? Bored of sexual relations with human beings? Looking for someone who's a bit more... high maintenance?
Well, there's good news. Artificial intelligence researcher David Levy believes sex and marriage with robots will be commonplace by the year 2050.
I think we can all tell where this blog post is going. That's right. It's time for the Adam's Life Top Ten Hottest Robots!!!!
#10 - Rachael
With Robots Like This, Who Needs Humans?
Blade Runner's femme fatale didn't even know she was a robot... which is a minus in my opinion. What's the point of having a robot girl if she thinks for herself? That said, Sean Young is hot. Wait a minute... Finkle is Einhorn.... Eihorn is FINKLE!!!
#9 - AF 709
"Finally, A Woman Not Repulsed By My Sexism!"
I never saw "My Living Doll," a short-lived sitcom on CBS in 1964, but I know a hot robot when I see one. Apparently, the plot involved a scientist training the AF 709 in all the ways of womanhood, like following orders from men (this was the early 60s, after all).
#8 - Sgt. Eve Edison
Apparently, Robots In The Future Look Like Yancy Butler
On the even shorter-lived series, Mann & Machine (yes, that was the title), Sgt. Eve Edison was a sophisticated android capable of learning human emotion. In one not-so-classic episode, Edison's maternal instincts were "turned on" when she's placed in charge of caring for an abandoned infant. Maternal and capable of fighting crime? If only humans possessed the same miraculous abilities.
#7 - Maria
C-3PO's Girlfriend
In Metropolis, an evil scientist kidnaps a union leader and replaces her with a robot. While not the most aesthetically pleasing, Maria can perform a hell of an erotic dance. Sort of like Britney Spears. Joke! I love Britney.
#6 - Number Six
Hugh Hefner Supports The Robot Community
The only robot to have appeared naked in Playboy, Battlestar Galactica's Number Six has the power to reincarnate herself after death. Which means she'll probably hook up with someone else once you're gone. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
#5 - The Stepford Wife
A Town Full Of Robots No One Else Knows About? That's Plausible.
Conflict: You're in love with your wife, you just wish she was less independent and had no emotion other than "eerily chipper." Resolution: You move to Stepford and turn her into a robot. Epilogue: Try not to be creeped out.
#4 - The Bionic Woman
Part Human, Part Machine, All Sexy
Yes, I know. A bit controversial. After all, her brain is still human. But if "better, stronger, faster" applies to all areas of her anatomy, then I'm not complaining.
#4 (alternate) - Kay-Em 14
Gotta Love A Robot In Pleather
Just in case you don't buy the Bionic Woman as a robot... In the horror movie Jason X, Kay-Em 14 continually blows Jason away, saving (some of) the people on board a spaceship from getting a machete to the face. I'm terrified of Jason, the character from the Friday the 13th films, so having this chick around would do wonders for my anxiety. Plus, she shows her boobs [link not safe for work].
#3 - Vanessa Kensington
Oh yeah baby!!"
In Austin Powers 2, it's revealed that Austin's wife, Vanessa, is actually a fembot. Shagadelic enough to fool a super-spy, Kensington wins points for having that sexy British accent.
#2 - T-X Terminator
Geez, You Ask Her To Morph Into Jessica Alba And She Gets All Shooty
For those who like their robot to have a little bit of attitude (and arms that turn into flamethrowers), there's the T-X Terminator from Rise of The Machines. Beautiful and deadly, T-X is made of liquid metal, which means she can take the form of anything... or anyone. Imagine the possibilities.
And now, what you've been waiting for, the hottest robot of all time is...
...
#1 - Rosie the Maid!
I'll Be Her Mr. J Any Day
She cooks, she cleans, and she's got enough sass to keep things interesting. And those gorgeous red eyes! What more can a guy want?
----
P.S. The Japanese are already way ahead of us in terms of creating the ultimate robot woman:
Oh those wacky Japanese! They've actually done it! They've created a robot woman! And not unattractive, I must say. Still, looks a bit stiff to me. And what's with all that jerking around? Can you imagine getting to sleep with that thing spasming next to you? I'll take Rosie, thank you very much.
Are you tired of dealing with the imperfections of your significant other? Bored of sexual relations with human beings? Looking for someone who's a bit more... high maintenance?
Well, there's good news. Artificial intelligence researcher David Levy believes sex and marriage with robots will be commonplace by the year 2050.
"Once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon," Levy said.Obviously, Cosmo agrees. The picture above is Cosmo's vision of the future of their magazine, one of many future magazine covers mocked up for an Association of Magazine Publishers conference about media in the next millennium.
I think we can all tell where this blog post is going. That's right. It's time for the Adam's Life Top Ten Hottest Robots!!!!
#10 - Rachael
With Robots Like This, Who Needs Humans?
Blade Runner's femme fatale didn't even know she was a robot... which is a minus in my opinion. What's the point of having a robot girl if she thinks for herself? That said, Sean Young is hot. Wait a minute... Finkle is Einhorn.... Eihorn is FINKLE!!!
#9 - AF 709
"Finally, A Woman Not Repulsed By My Sexism!"
I never saw "My Living Doll," a short-lived sitcom on CBS in 1964, but I know a hot robot when I see one. Apparently, the plot involved a scientist training the AF 709 in all the ways of womanhood, like following orders from men (this was the early 60s, after all).
#8 - Sgt. Eve Edison
Apparently, Robots In The Future Look Like Yancy Butler
On the even shorter-lived series, Mann & Machine (yes, that was the title), Sgt. Eve Edison was a sophisticated android capable of learning human emotion. In one not-so-classic episode, Edison's maternal instincts were "turned on" when she's placed in charge of caring for an abandoned infant. Maternal and capable of fighting crime? If only humans possessed the same miraculous abilities.
#7 - Maria
C-3PO's Girlfriend
In Metropolis, an evil scientist kidnaps a union leader and replaces her with a robot. While not the most aesthetically pleasing, Maria can perform a hell of an erotic dance. Sort of like Britney Spears. Joke! I love Britney.
#6 - Number Six
Hugh Hefner Supports The Robot Community
The only robot to have appeared naked in Playboy, Battlestar Galactica's Number Six has the power to reincarnate herself after death. Which means she'll probably hook up with someone else once you're gone. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
#5 - The Stepford Wife
A Town Full Of Robots No One Else Knows About? That's Plausible.
Conflict: You're in love with your wife, you just wish she was less independent and had no emotion other than "eerily chipper." Resolution: You move to Stepford and turn her into a robot. Epilogue: Try not to be creeped out.
#4 - The Bionic Woman
Part Human, Part Machine, All Sexy
Yes, I know. A bit controversial. After all, her brain is still human. But if "better, stronger, faster" applies to all areas of her anatomy, then I'm not complaining.
#4 (alternate) - Kay-Em 14
Gotta Love A Robot In Pleather
Just in case you don't buy the Bionic Woman as a robot... In the horror movie Jason X, Kay-Em 14 continually blows Jason away, saving (some of) the people on board a spaceship from getting a machete to the face. I'm terrified of Jason, the character from the Friday the 13th films, so having this chick around would do wonders for my anxiety. Plus, she shows her boobs [link not safe for work].
#3 - Vanessa Kensington
Oh yeah baby!!"
In Austin Powers 2, it's revealed that Austin's wife, Vanessa, is actually a fembot. Shagadelic enough to fool a super-spy, Kensington wins points for having that sexy British accent.
#2 - T-X Terminator
Geez, You Ask Her To Morph Into Jessica Alba And She Gets All Shooty
For those who like their robot to have a little bit of attitude (and arms that turn into flamethrowers), there's the T-X Terminator from Rise of The Machines. Beautiful and deadly, T-X is made of liquid metal, which means she can take the form of anything... or anyone. Imagine the possibilities.
And now, what you've been waiting for, the hottest robot of all time is...
...
#1 - Rosie the Maid!
I'll Be Her Mr. J Any Day
She cooks, she cleans, and she's got enough sass to keep things interesting. And those gorgeous red eyes! What more can a guy want?
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P.S. The Japanese are already way ahead of us in terms of creating the ultimate robot woman:
Oh those wacky Japanese! They've actually done it! They've created a robot woman! And not unattractive, I must say. Still, looks a bit stiff to me. And what's with all that jerking around? Can you imagine getting to sleep with that thing spasming next to you? I'll take Rosie, thank you very much.
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