Monday, October 22, 2007

The Political Joke Contest!!

Tricky Dick
Why Is This Man Laughing?

My uncle, whom I love, is unfortunately a republican. Yes, he is still invited to family functions, and despite his political leanings, he's a good man. But every so often he emails some anti-Democrat jokes. He sent one out recently, and I decided to send him a Republican joke back. But looking on the web... I couldn't really find any good Republican jokes. I remember hearing them time and time again, but the ones I found on the web were pretty lame (This site had a few zippy ones). So I decided to attempt to create my own Republican jokes. I'm a writer, I'm somewhat funny... how hard could it be?

My first attempt:

A republican congressman walks into the airport bathroom and sits down in a stall. While he's doing his business, he looks down and notices the man in the stall next door tapping his foot. Worrying that it might be an invitation for gay sex, the republican quickly gets up and dashes out. He's immediately apprehended by the police. "I didn't proposition anyone for gay sex!" the republican insists. "We know," the cop says. "But you still murdered that hooker."


Well. No, not really. I tried to think of something clever for the punchline, but everything I thought of was pretty lame.

This is hard work. I moved on and tried another one...

Dick Cheney and a monkey are sitting in a tree. Suddenly, the monkey throws a coconut at Dick. "Hey, watch it!' Cheney yells. The monkey throws another coconut at him. "I'm warning you!" Dick shakes his fist at the monkey. After a moment, the monkey throws yet another coconut. "That's it!" Cheney yells. "I'm gonna kick your ass, I don't care if you are the President!"

Ha!! Now that's a little better. No?

Finally, I went for something more complex. Yes! Puns!

A republican senator moved to a farm in Iowa to gain an advantage in the upcoming Presidential primaries. He'd never farmed before, so he decided to ask his neighbor for some advice. "Well," the neighbor said, "You'll need to buy a good hoe, spread some bull shit, and plow a pasture." The republican got excited. "I know plenty of hookers, and I can bullshit with the best of them, but where can I find a pastor?"

Bingo!!! No? Not funny? Well, lets see you do better.

In fact, you, know, that's a great idea! There's so few original, good, current political jokes out there. Everyone seems to be copying and pasting the same few old ones. So, dear readers, show off your wit and wackiness by writing a brief joke of your own!!

The best joke, chosen by me, will receive a free t-shirt with their joke displayed proudly on it.

So get writin'

A few suggestions...

- Start off with a typical joke beginning, like, "A republican walks into a bar..."

- Don't get too preachy. Half the "jokes" I read on the web were actually valid, unfunny criticisms of the government. Monkeys throwing coconuts is funny. People dying in the Sudan... not so much.

- Keep it simple. The longer a joke goes on, the more I get bored. That punchline better be a hoot if I'm going to read four paragraphs.

I look forward to reading all .5 of your entries.


Jim B. said...

A cigarette company CEO, a pedophile priest, and a republican candidate are walking through the woods when they find an abandoned boy. They debate on what to do. "Let's encourage him to smoke cigarettes until he's addicted," the CEO says. "No, we should get him drunk, molest him, and then kill him," said the priest. The republican was horrified. "Are you guys nuts?" he exclaimed. "Let me get his vote first."

Mike Harris said...

A republican walks into a bar and asks for a shot. So the bartender shoots him.

Kaitlin said...

Two rats are sitting outside the Capitol building when they see a republican senator sneaking out the back with a dripping garbage bag slung over his shoulder. "I hope it's his leftover lunch," one rat says to the other, licking his lips. The other rat shakes his head. "Nah, it's probably just another intern."

pete said...

President Bush was giving a speech to a bunch of skeptical democrats. "It was necessary to destroy Iraq in order to save it," he said. "It was necessary to destroy our children's health care in order to save them. And it was necessary to destroy our forests in order to save them from forest fires." Immediately after Bush finished his speech, his secret service agent shot him dead. "Why did you do that?" a shocked audience member asked. "Because," the secret service agent replied, "I had to destroy the President in order to save him."

alvin said...

a democrat, a republican, and undecided voter stumble upon a genie lamp in the middle of the desert. "i will grant you each one wish," the genie says. the democrat, trying to impress the undecided voter, asks for world peace. the republican, trying to one up the democrat, asks for taxes to always be low. Then the genie asks the undecided voter what he wants. without hesitation, the undecided voter replies, "get me out of this freakin desert!"

spicy said...

Why did Bush close the window?

To avoid the draft.

oscar said...

what do you call a corrupt, morally bankrupt, closeted homosexual Republican?

A Republican.

Devan said...

One of my teacher's told us this joke, it's kind of long(def too long for a t-shirt), but i thought it was funny..

Bush was trying to figure out a way to tell if a person was smart, so he called up the Queen of England for her help. Upon hearing his request for help, the Queen three-way called Tony Blair and asked him a simple question,"Your parents have a child, it's not your brother, it's not your sister, who is it?" Immediately, Tony Blair responded by saying, "It's me".

Bush decided to test this out on Cheney so he called him up and asked him the same question. Cheney replied that he needed some time to think about it. Cheney then called up Colin Powell and relayed the question to him. Powell responded by saying, "That's an easy one, it's me."

Excited he had the answer Cheney called up Bush and said, "If my parents had a child and it wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, it's Colin Powell!" Bush just laughed and replied by saying, "No silly, the correct answer is Tony Blair."

shlemazl said...

I love a new bumper sticker which - can you imagine - works well for BOTH political parties:


Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Adam said...

I love em. Especially Devan's. :) Keep em coming!

Devan said...

I'm not sure where I first saw this, it may very well could have been here...but just in case:

Adam said...

That is hilarious. Devan, your joke is definitely too long for a tshirt, but maybe we can work something out...

Big Picture said...

George bush and Tony Blair meet in Washington to discuss their plans for world war 3. Later at a press conference Bush announces that they plan to kill 40 million Muslims and a dentist. “Why a dentist?” one reporter asks. Blair looks at bush and says, “See, I knew nobody would ask about the Muslims.”

Visitor Map: