Jewish Fantasy Baseball: Sophmore Season



Hello my Hebrew baseball fans! And welcome to another year of Jewish Fantasy Baseball.

We get the season rolling late this year, due to the challenge of assembling all the necessary Jews on one auto-picked MLB.com fantasy roster. It's taken 5 tries, and I still don't have a satisfactory result.

Attempts to get last year's honorary Jew, third baseman Ryan Zimmerman, on the roster met with failure. Last year, I was able to get third baseman Ryan Braun in the last round of my draft, because no one else had heard of the then minor-league prospect. This year, I had to spend a first round pick on him. And apparently, MLB.com decided that once I already had Braun as my third baseman, I didn't need to select Zimmerman. Oh well. He wasn't a real member of the tribe anyway.

And, sadly, Kevin Mench is in the minors, depriving my team of much needed Mensch-power.

Here's this year's roster:

C- Brad Ausmus

Last year, the light-hitting hebrew Ausmus actually snagged an Adam's Life Sluggin' Semite of the Week award, and finished the season rated higher than highly-touted fantasy "expert" sleeper picks Jeff Mathis and Chris Ianetta. Unfortunately, this year, he loses his starting job to J.R. Towles, who I'm pretty sure believes in Jesus. Let's hope "Awesome Ausmus" finds some way to get some playing time this year and is able to recapture some of that "Maccabee Magic."

1B- Mike Jacobs

Jacobs is not a Jew. But that hasn't stopped the New York Mets and Florida Marlins from honoring him on Jewish Heritage Day. So it won't stop me from featuring Jacobs as the MLJ's first baseman. Last year, he batted .265, with 17 HR, 57 R, 54 RBI, and 1 SB. He's already started this season hotter than a potato latke in a frying pan: .298 with 5 homeruns and 10 RBI.

2B- Ian Kinsler

Kinsler knows how to hit a homerun and steal a base-- he had at least 20 of each last year. But did you know he also knows the difference between a knish and kishka? While his mother isn't Jewish, Kinsler's father is, and Ian has no problem with being identified as such. That's good enough for me. The leadoff hitter and second baseman for the Texas Rangers is one of the top batters at his position.

3B- Kevin Youkilis

Youkilis may be known by his nickname "The Greek," but to his grandma, he still "my little bubbelah." Youkilis had 85 runs and 83 RBIs last year, to go with a .288 average. Batting in the heart of that power-packed Boston lineup, he'll undoubtedly be fed many matzo-balls from opposing pitchers. He'll definitely win more than a few Sluggin' Semite awards before the year is out.

SS- David Eckstein

Now, the Eck will probably NOT win any Sluggin' Semite awards. But he is the only starting shortstop in the majors with a Jewish name. And what a Jewish name it is. As I mentioned last year, Eckstein was once named to the Jewish All-American team, despite not keeping a mezzuzah on his doorpost. For our purposes, we're giving him a mikva.

OF- Ryan Braun

The reigning National League Rookie-of-the-Year burst onto the major league scene last year like a burning bush, out-homering every player in the league not named A-Rod, after his call up from the minors. He also inspired Jewish little leaguers everywhere... even though it turned out he's only half Jewish. This year, he's moved from third base to outfield, gaining two-position flexibility in fantasy leagues.

OF- Lance Berkman

Not a Jew, but, as I said last year, frequently mistaken for one. Must be the ripped Golem-like physique.

OF- Ryan Spilbourghs

Wikipedia says he's a Jew. And if it's one thing we know, it's that Wikipedia is infallible, very much like the Pope. The only thing that makes me think it might be true? His middle name is Adam. My name is Adam. Regardless, when you're trying to fill out a roster using such a small player pool, you have to take some reaches. Who knows? Maybe this Rockies utilityman will have a big year and we'll find out he's 100% Hebrew.

P- New York Mets (representing Scott Schoenweiss)

"Shoe the Jew" has been terrible to start the year, and so have the Mets. But I'm confident they'll turn it around and once again end the season with one of the best pitching staffs in baseball.

Bench: C Brian Schneider (probably not Jewish, but that name!), 1B Casey Kotchman (ditto), IF Geoff Blum (ditto), OF Adam Stern (yes, Jewish, but probably won't be in the majors this year), IF David Newhan (recently called up to the majors due to Kaz Matsui's anal fissure injury), and OF Moises "Moses" Alou (to represent all the African Jews out there).

You may question my methods, but there's no questioning that for a roster made up of Jews, this team is going to need some help from on high to win it all.

Gripe time. What if I told you that there's a Jewish baseball player who's smacking the cover off the ball right now in the majors.. and he's not only REALLY Jewish, but he's so hardcore about his Jewishness that he has parts of the Torah tattooed on himself? He's currently batting .423 with 4 homeruns, 8 runs, 11 RBI and a stolen base, playing outfield for the Milwawkee Brewers. And he's not named Ryan Braun.

You'd probably say, "Why wasn't he 'chosen' to be on your Jewish Fantasy Baseball team?" Valid question. And nice pun! There's a simple answer.

MLB.com said he didn't exist.

Gabe Kapler retired from baseball after the 2006 season, and became a manager in the Red Sox minor league system. But this year, he tried out with Milwawkee, a longshot to make the team.

He made it. And with Milwawkee starting outfielder Mike "HGH" Cameron suspended to start the year, Kapler has filled in and become one of this season's biggest surprises.

Finally, today MLB.com finally wised up and added him to the player pool. I've claimed him off waivers. Hopefully no one else will take him from me. Gabe "The Kee-pa" Kapler must be mine.

So, with him in the fold, that completes the NEW, IMPROVED, 2008 Major League Jews. Hopefully, this season will end in a first place, fantasy league championship, and rebuilding of the temple. Mazel Tov to everyone!

Bringing Up Baby


Luckily Maria and Tony Never Had Kids. Unluckily, Tony Died.

Child-rearing decisions can be difficult, especially in mixed marriages. Do you raise your baby Jewish or Epicopalian? Teach your tot republican or democratic values? Buy him or her a Red Sox or Yankees one-sie? Two young parents living in Commerce City, Colorado were faced with a similar dilemma.

Was their baby a Crip? Or a Westside Baller?


I'm a Blood, foo'

The mother is a member of the Crips. And the father belongs to the Westside Ballers gang. A real-life West Side Story. Except with considerably less dancing.


To Join This Gang You Need Seven Years Of Ballet And Two Of Jazz Tap.

The two got into a very public argument in a Hollywood Video store. Police arrived on the scene and arrested the father for disorderly conduct. "They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" said Commerce City Police Sgt. Joe Sandoval.

I, for one, hope that the parents are able to put their differences aside and do what's best for their child. Which is, obviously, to induct him into whatever gang this guy belongs to:


Because, Don't You Want To Be On His Good Side?

No word yet from the couple's four-year-old about which gang he'll end up pledging his allegiance to. There are two factors he's considering before making his decision. First, how many of the other gang's members he'll have to cap before earning his colors, and secondly, which gang Cassie the dragon from Dragon Tales belongs to.


She's Actually One Of The Southside Scissors

Whatever he decides, this is likely not the last time he'll be forced to choose between the conflicting views of his two parents. For instance, Mom likes Pepsi, Dad prefers Coke. Which caramel-colored soft drink will he prefer? Or will he rebel and go a different way, staking out his own territory in this crazy mixed up world?

Perhaps he'll choose RC Cola.

Until next time, my Eastside Bagelz brothers, peace out.

A Dazey Weekend In Jersey



On a typical weekend, a cold producing more gunky mucus than Slimer from Ghostbusters would have had me confined to bedrest. But I had committed myself to volunteering at the 6th Anuual Garden State Film Festival, and infection be damned, I honor my committments.

Now, the Garden State Film Festival is not to be confused with the Tribeca Film Festival, which was created by Robert DeNiro and is funded by American Express, among others. The Garden State Film Festival was created by "well known Hollywood actor Robert Pastorelli" (the gruff, but mushy-hearted house painter on the television show Murphy Brown) and is sponsored by the Sixth Avenue House Bed & Breakfast, among others. But I was fully entertained by several of the screened films I got to see. And this little festival that could was a big success for Asbury Park and Jersey actors, writers and filmmakers.

Sure, Asbury Park may not draw the red carpet crowd of lower Manhattan. But I didn't see one film at Tribeca funnier than "Expendable," about a young evil henchman's first day on the job.



And I was impressed by a young actress, Elizabeth King, in "Born To Win," a humorous short by Trey Hock about the true nature of popularity.


The one on the left. One to watch.

I'm pegging her as the poor man's Amanda Bynes. With a bit of Schuyler Fisk thrown in.

And while we're on the subject of quirky short films featuring hot actresses, the Lebanese film Lesson #5 featured a Lebanese actress, May Hariri who's lustful beauty I can only imagine would be censored in most Arabic-speaking countries.



"Lesson Number Five" itself was a strange, but satisfying movie about a Lebanese man who's hired to get U.S. green cards for a group of men, but then discovers it will be more difficult than expected. He makes up elaborate lies in order to dissuade the men from leaving. With comical results (lets just say peroxide, and the planet Mars, both play a signifigant role).

That's the best of what I got to see, but of course, I only saw films at two of the venues. Anyone else go to the festival? I'd love to hear your favorites.

Of course, I go to Tribeca at the end of the month, and will hopefully uncover some gems to tout wayyyy before Entertainment Weekly or Premiere does.

Facebook Introduces Social Network To Prisons


Prisoners Prepare Profiles For Facebook

BURLINGAME, Calif. - In a bold move to expand their share of the social networking marketplace, Facebook announced today it will open its doors to prison facilities nationwide.

Once the exclusive online stomping grounds of college students, social networking site Facebook.com threw open its doors last year to anyone with a valid email address. But while the site featured networks for colleges, high schools, workplaces and regions, it lacked any networks associated with the penal system. This left out the all-time high of 2.3 million Americans who spend their days behind bars. Starting today, prisoners will finally be able to gain access to the site, simply by affiliating themselves with their current place of incarceration.

"More than 1 in 100 American adults are in prison," said Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook.com. "It's high time we recognize that these people want to poke, play Scrabulous, and befriend random strangers too."

The company had planned to announce and launch this expanded registration last Tuesday but has delayed the expansion as it sorted through the backlash from changes it made to the site last month, including a feature which spies on its users by secretly activating their webcams.

"Last month, we learned we need to do a better job communicating on launches," says company spokeswoman Melanie Deitch. "We are going to think through how to better inform users, and we don't want to risk expanded registration being a big issue on the heels of last week's changes." Deitch said the company might send representatives to users' houses in coming weeks to explain the site's growth pace and new features.

The growth move is fraught with risk for the company, whose more than 9.3 million registered users are intensely attached to the site because it lets them connect to a select group of peers. If they fail, the company risks being viewed as a second-rate version of MySpace, the famously open social network that now receives more than 46 million visitors per month.

"I'm not so sure I like this idea," says Mary Contrari, a graduate student at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill's School of Information and Library Science, who studies Facebook's use among that university's students. "I don't want some criminal looking at my hot bikini photos from spring break, or knowing what music I like."

Prisoners, however, welcomed the idea.

"I plan on friend requesting every high schooler in Florida," says Gene Phallas, a convicted sex offender now serving time in Dade County Prison. "I want to become an educator, so I feel it could be a great way to reach out and touch my students."

Zuckerberg says he hopes the prison networks will help aid criminals in their rehabilitation.

"Think of all the possibilities. Instead of prison gangs fighting it out in the exercise yard, you can have an online battle between Ninjas and Pirates, one of our more popular Facebook applications," Zuckerberg said. "And inmates can deepen their relationships with one another by finding out they both love the movie Scarface, or enjoy listening to gangster rap."

Though members can customize their security settings to include or exclude specific people from seeing certain personal details--such as photos, contact information and comments left on friends' profiles--default settings allow anyone within a network to see everyone else's profile details. This has more than a few Facebook users concerned.

"What's stopping a criminal from joining a city network and posing as a college student?" asked Marissa Sharper, a sophomore at New York University. "I accept friend requests from everybody because I feel flattered that people like me. What if I accept a rapist by mistake?"

Even before the new networks, criminals joining Facebook under false names was a concern. Zuckerberg hopes the prison networks will help users like Marissa by making it clear who the criminals are.

"When you get a friend request from Rikers Island, you'll know it's someone who's been convicted of a crime," he says.

Not necessarily, according Matt Walters , head of the the Association of Prison Guards, who have been pushing Facebook for a network of their own.

"I have no choice but to join the New Jersey State Correctional Facility network, and if I do that, people I friend request will think I'm a criminal. They won't know that I'm actually a well-respected prison guard who's single and ready to mingle."

Ultimately, Facebook hopes the new networks will increase the site's value to advertisers. Facebook still has less than half the users MySpace had when News Corp. bought the company last year, and revenues are still small--an estimated $30 million a year compared with MySpace’s roughly $180 million--says eMarketer senior analyst Debra Williamson.

"Facebook doesn't have that sexy glow as an advertising environment, as compared with MySpace's advertising buzz," says Williamson. "But the addition of convicts to the networking pool could create opportunities for advertising bail bond companies and legal firms."

This year, U.S. advertisers will spend only $280 million on ads through social networks, according to eMarketer, but that will increase to $1.9 billion by 2010. Worldwide, that figure will reach $2.5 billion. Those numbers, coupled with the continued success of MySpace after News Corp.'s acquisition last year, have fueled rumors that Facebook is a likely acquisition target.

"The $2 billion price tag reported in the media is so far out there," Zuckerberg said during an Aug. 17 interview. Zuckerberg, who admitted on a company blog that Facebook "really messed up" the launch of news feeds and spy cameras, wouldn't take interview requests about the delays in expanding convict registration. "We're not holding out for a price because we're busy building and growing the site."

Those plans for the future include an Olympic-size swimming pool in his backyard, and creating an army of cloned supermodels to wait hand and foot on Zuckerberg at the Facebook corporate offices. Zuckerberg is confident these new "Facebook features" will help his site become better than ever.

"We hope to get all these things done by next April Fools Day."

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PLUS: Previously On...

New Recreational Drug Craze Sweeps Nation

"I started when I was 15 years old. What happened to be just a activity soon became one of my passions in life. Overcoming the initial public scorn and disbelief wasn't easy. My blisters popped and I had to limp to the hospital. Solitude is the word that comes to mind every time I remember that part of the trip. I went through several days of upset stomach, weakness and a sense of hopelessness."

--"Jesper," addict.

Recent attempts by lawmakers to ban the drug Salvia have called attention to the little-known drug, a mild hallucinogen. But researchers in Germany fear it may already be too late to stop a different powerful psychotropic, which is far easier to obtain and much cheaper to buy. And chances are, based on current surveys, someone you know has already done it. Maybe even you.

Users call it by it's street name: "Running." It's a drug as old as humanity itself, first introduced into the mainstream by a young Greek soldier named Pheidippides in 490 BC, who tripped all the way from the town of Marathon to Athens, before dying of an overdose. Experts claim that there may be 30 million "runners" in the U.S. alone, accounting for thousands of heart attacks, heat strokes, and knee surgeries a year.


Emergency Workers Tend To Running Addict

"Some people have these really extreme experiences," said Dr. Henning Boecker, the head of the study. Boecker admitted that he himself was a casual user of the drug, saying it left him "completely relaxed" and "cleared his head."

The German researchers found that users of the drug had high endorphin levels in their limbic and prefrontal lobes, contributing to feelings of euphoria and mood changes. Heavy users reported difficulty breathing and feelings of nausea. The study noted that users of the drug often kept on using despite stress fractures and heart attacks suffered during their trip.

And the problem isn't going away. Groups of hardcore "runners" plan on getting together several times this year, in cities and towns across the nation, to use their drug together over a 26.2 mile course. These "marathons" are held in full view of impressionable children.

Krista R. Fakeman, a chemical dependency coordinator at the Madeup Center in Smithtown, an outpatient behavioral health and chemical dependency treatment center, said many teenagers begin using as young as 12.

"We have noticed that adolescents are using it frequently because it is legal and it can’t be detected in urine drug screenings," she said. She said the highs are strongest in the first few minutes.

Ms. Fakeman said that since the beginning of 2006, there has been a 30 to 40 percent increase in "running" by those teens she treats. "It went from something we didn’t even think to screen for to something we now ask all the kids about," she said.

Anthony T. Unrealio, a drug and alcohol counselor in the Nowhereport School District, said he recently began asking students if they ever "ran."

"Several of the kids admitted experimenting with it, and one kid described the high," Mr. Unrealio recalled. "He said it was like an out-of-body experience — like he was in an altered reality state. He said he ran for about 15 minutes."

"Jesper," a self-professed "running junkie," earned the Guinness Book World Record for "running" around the world. He described "mental stress symptoms" that arose from his constant use. "I was about to quit," Jesper said. But there was no escaping the powerful drug. He's planning a new trip from Northern Europe to Cape Town, South Africa this summer.

Several parents organizations have begun pushing legislators for action. But Unrealio doubts the epidemic can be stopped.

"You can cut off their legs, I suppose," he said. "But then you have a whole new set of problems to deal with."