Paris In Jail


Let The Male Fantasies Begin...

LOS ANGELES - In her first public comments since she was handed a 45-day jail sentence for a driving related offense, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton has described her punishment as cruel and unwarranted.

She also fired her spokesman, veteran publicist Elliot Mintz, whom she blamed for getting her into the mess.

I can just imagine Paris's thoughts...

"It's not my fault I drove drunk numerous times and never showed up at my court-mandated alcohol-awareness classes! I was too busy making new sex tapes and saying "That's Hot" a lot."

"It was all that damn Jew's fault. He should have stopped me from driving without a license. How was I supposed to know that by signing a document acknowledging that my license was suspended, that I wasn't allowed to drive? I'm not a rocket scientist."

"It's so unfair!! They're just doing this to me because I'm a celebrity. Sure, most people who do this sort of thing spend 90 days in jail instead of 45, but I'm not most people! I'm hot. You can't do this to hot people!"

"I guess this is a country where a celebrity can't drive drunk without her headlights on. Geesh. Like, lighten up. It's not like I killed anybody. Except for that one guy... But he was ugly so he didn't matter. Anyways, this isn't the America I want to live in. Whatever happened to home of the free? Land of the brave? All that crap???"

[UPDATE] Paris rehired the publicist the ridiculously blamed for her own actions. She has also started an online petition begging Governor Terminator to set her free.

"f the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect the governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton."

Well, at least she's not comparing herself to Jesus... yet.