Monday, August 15, 2005

Most Sucky Day Ever

Sunday is already one of the worst days of the week. No matter what incredible things you may have planned for it, there's always the ever mounting dread of Monday. On a Sunday afternoon, you can often feel like a man on death row, eating his last meal right before receiving a lethal injection from the George Michael Sports Machine.

Usually, the only bright spot is Sunday night TV. Mainly, two channels, Fox and HBO. With a lineup that includes two Simpsons episdoes, two Family Guy Episodes, and HBO's smash hit Entourage, its the one last hurrah before the weekend gets sent to the slaughterhouse.

This Sunday blew.

Blew worse than usual. Oh let me count the ways.

Woke up at around 1. Started playing Mario Kart, the current game de la semaine.

It is no longer.

We were playing Special Cup on 150cc and couldn't get past damn Banshee Boardwalk (Ghost-ville). We got so frustrated we turned it off and went to get a bagel.

The second we step outside, we're hit with a wall of intense, sticky, steaming heat. Immediately we begin to wonder if we can make it two blocks to La Bagel or even the block and a half to David's. Then we get the bright idea to try out "The Bagel Factory," which is a half a block closer.

Bagels should not be made in factories.

We walk in, and we immediately regret our decision. Seth noticed there's no Peach Snapple. I ask if they have onion bagels. The woman says yes. "Fresh! We just took them out of the oven... a half hour ago!"

So we fall for the sales pitch, take the bagels back, and open them up. First thing I noticed was, mine was Garlic.

Garlic is not onion.

I struggled with it, tried to take the garlic off, but it was all in vain. Said Seth, "There's no dough in these bagels."

Then we decide to go see "The Aristocrats." We were genuinely excited. I had read some "Aristocrats" jokes online, and judging by those, we were in for a treat. How sick could comedians be? We couldn't wait to find out.

In the back of my mind, I was thinking... "but what about Penn?"

See, I hate Penn and Teller. I don't think they're funny, and I think their magic sucks. Oooh, Teller can't talk! How unique!!! Ooh, Penn sort of looks like Lewis Black! Oh look! He pulled a scarf out of his ass! Give me a freaking break.

So hearing he was involved in making this movie gave me pause. But only briefly. Surely everything Penn has ever touched hasn't turned to shit...

The Aristocrats was pretty damn awful. Not in a good way.

Don't get me wrong, Sarah Silverman gave an outrageously nuanced and eerily hot rendition that left me and every guy in the theater wanting to be her boyfriend. And Cartman was a nice surprise. And... well, that's it.

It's just awfully done. Imagine if the "Chicken crossing the road" joke went like this:

Comedian: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

(cut to George Carlin)

George Carlin: The reason the joke is so funny is because it pushes the boundaries of humor. The audience comes with you on a journey through the history of comedy...

(cut to Drew Carey)

Some people change the joke, like they say, "Why did the chicken cross the playground?" I like to actually end the joke with a little snap. (snaps his fingers)

(cut back to joke)

Comedian: To get to the other side!!!!

That's how the movie was. Everytime a classic comedian came on screen (there were alot of them), he started telling the joke and then it would cut away to someone TELLING YOU WHY THE JOKE WAS SO FUNNY. The few times the joke was actually told, it was mostly funny. But the shock value ends around the third telling. After a while, me and Seth were like... this is it?

The big joke of "The Aristocrats" is on the audience. It's some massize scam. All I read in all the reviews were that Gilbert Godfrey was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny. He's in the movie for two seconds and both times, his joke gets cut off by the likes of Paul Reiser reminding us why Mad About You sucked.

Wanna know how bad "The Aristocrats" is? Gallagher is mentioned four times, by four different comedians.

And for God's sake, Carrot Top is in this. Does anyone need to be reminded of the Carrot Top Movie?

We leave this debacle and it starts pouring. So we hide in Virgin Megastore. One thing leads to another and I end up buying Madden 06. Seth buys MVP Baseball 2005. My stomach starts to complain about the pack of peanut butter M&Ms I ate while watching that shit movie.

We get back, play a game of baseball. It's pretty good, but has yet to produce any of the dope moments like Barlow slamming down a reverse dunk on an assist by Atcheynum in NBA Live.

Then the fun starts! Prime Time baby!

We miss the Simpsons, but the way this season has been, it's no huge loss. Family Guy is two repeats of recent episodes. Funny enough, but disappointing. Then we switch to HBO for Entourage.

The rain is pouring down outside. Lightning crashes close by. The opening credits get jumbled in a digital mess. The screen goes black for a second. Then we're back. Then the screen gets messed up again. Whoever said cable isn't effected by the weather should be forced to watch The Aristocrats.

And the episode was disappointing. I'm beginning to wonder if the reviews on EW are paid advertisements. Come on, no criticism at all of an episode that ends 7 minutes short of a half hour and doesn't advance the plot one centimeter past where it was last week? Are they watching the same episodes as us?

Yeah, Drama got hard while hugging Brooke Sheilds. But whats the deal with Terrence? Why is he Ari's new foil? What was wrong with the old one, Josh Weinstein? When is Ari going to get back at Weinstein for sinking his photo shoot for most powerful under 40? After last week's awesome Bat-Mitzvah-aganza, this was a disappointment.

That said, I'll watch it fourty times this week on demand as I wait for next Sunday.

I settled into bed as the last clips of Sports Machine would down. Pedro's no-hitter collapse in the 8th inning foremost in my mind. Will the Mets EVER get a no hitter?

So that was Sunday.

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