Rudolph The Steroid-Abusing Reindeer

Just in time for the holiday season, Major League Baseball is getting a gift it didn't want-- the results of George Mitchell's steroid invesigation.

Rumors put the number of players named as high as 80. At least one person has said the list of steroid-abusing players will include "Landscape-changing names... Names that will change the way we look at the sport."

Deadspin.com published an unofficial list of players named in the report. We won't know for sure who's on it until 2:01 PM today, when the report is released.

But some of the names stand out. Bary Bonds and Mark McGwire, we already knew. But Roger Clemens? Andy Pettite? Albert Pujols? Pudge? Mo Vaughn? These guys are legends of the game. Roger holds several pitching records. All five are future Hall-Of-Famers.

Aaron Boone is a disturbing name to see there as well. His walk-off homer against the Red Sox in the Division Series is one of Yankee baseball's proudest moments. But was Boone on the juice when it happened?

Suddenly we have to ask ourselves... was Matt Williams pursuit of the home run record in the strike-shortened season a result of some needles? Was Paul Byrd's brilliant shutdown of the Yankees this year due to some extra testosterone? Was John Rocker's famous temper inflamed by roid rage?

How many asterisks do we have to put on this game?

Adam's Life Presents: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (modern version)







UPDATE: The real list of players. Aaron Boone, you're off the hook. So are you, Albert Pujols and Pudge.

Lenny Dykstra, David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Brian Roberts, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Josias Manzanillo, Todd Hundley, Mark Carreon, Hal Morris, Matt Franco, Rondell White, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Jason Grimsley, Gregg Zaun, David Justice, F.P. Santangelo, Glenallen Hill, Mo Vaughn, Denny Neagle, Ron Villone, Ryan Franklin, Chris Donnels, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Todd Pratt, Kevin Young, Mike Lansing, Cody McKay, Kent Mercker, Adam Piatt, Miguel Tejada, Jason Christiansen, Mike Stanton, Stephen Randolph, Jerry Hairston, Paul Lo Duca, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Fernando Vina, Kevin Brown, Eric Gagne, Mike Bell, Matt Herges, Gary Bennett, Jr., Jim Parque, Brendan Donnelly, Chad Allen, Jeff Williams, Howie Clark, Nook Logan, Rick Ankiel, Paul Byrd, Jay Gibbons, Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Gary Matthews, Jr., Scott Schoeneweis, David Bell, Jose Canseco, Jason Grimsley, Darren Holmes, John Rocker, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Steve Woodard.

Do We Really Want To Find Another Earth?



A thought-provoking editorial in the UK's Telegraph.

Cheap Gifts, Future Thrills

My latest article is up on MSN.com: A Gift-Giver's Guide To Free Stuff On The Web

It's somewhat adapted from a blog entry I wrote quite some time ago.

My next article for MSN concerns the future. Basically, why aren't we living it right now? Where's the 21st century past generations predicted for us?

Curious as to how life will be in 2057, 50 years from now, I recently took a time machine (Wikipedia). Here's what I found out:

I will be 75. Hopefully.

Two solar eclipses will happen in the same year for the first time since 1889.

Tulsa, Oklahoma will unearth a time capsule with a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle as part of its contents.

The guy from 28 Days Later will travel into the sun in a giant spacecraft, in order to restart the dying star's nuclear core. It will be dull. And completely illogical.

Insurance companies will withold coverage from people who drink alcohol. But sexy female surgeons will operate on them anyway.

A holographic shark will shut down a major city. Much like a lite-bright shut down Boston.

Solar power will still be in its infancy, the result of decades of oil company propoganda. We will somehow blame the energy crisis on China.

Two Plus Two Equals Five

"How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four."

"Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane."
--George Orwell's 1984

This week, you may have heard about a little U.S. intelligence report that declared, "Iran stopped nuclear weapons work in 2003."

You would think this news would be cause for celebration. Bogged down in the explody mess of Iraq, and the forgotten war in Afghanistan, the last thing America needs is a third conflict to divide our already stretched-thin troops and sink us further into debt. And you'd think that Bush and Company would welcome this news, because it proves that however misguided their war in Iraq was, it may have influenced Iran's decision to halt their program. Hey, they actually did accomplish 1/100th of their mission in the Middle East!! Hurrah!!!

Except well, according to Bush, Fox News, and INGSOC, despite the fact that the report says Iran has halted their nuclear program, Iran is now a bigger threat than ever.

Huh?

"Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon," Bush said.

National Securirty Adviser Stephen Hadley was quoted as saying, "If we want to avoid a situation where we either have to accept Iran ... with a path to a nuclear weapon, or the possibility of having to use force to stop it, with all the connotations of World War III -- then we need to step up the diplomacy, step up the pressure, to get Iran to stop their so-called civilian uranium enrichment program. That's our policy going forward -- no change."

Bush has pushed for MORE sanctions against Iran.

So let me get this straight. A report that says Iran cancelled their nuclear program is actually an indication that they will soon make nuclear bombs and start a World War III?

2 plus 2 equals what now?

Who Needs A Champion?

ESPN's Gregg Easterbrook is one of my favorite sports columnists, and his column this week is a perfect example of why that is.

I, like many others, have bemoaned college football's lack of a playoff system. "It's unfair," I said. "There's no way to prove who the best team is." I held pretty fast to the belief that the BCS was a load of crap, and we deserved better.

Then I read Easterbrook's column.

Consider me a changed man. He makes excellent points. For one, he points out that the BCS is not really about declaring a champion-- it's about maximizing revenues. Even if you hate capitalism, you may find yourself convinced by his second point...

Currently there are 32 Division I-A bowls, which means that annually 64 big-boy teams get to participate in a season-ending game that confers a title -- the Meineke Car Care Bowl 2007 champion! -- and is shrouded in hoopla. That means basically half of Division I-A advances to a season-ending hoopla event, with one-quarter of Division I-A seasons ending with a huge-hoopla victory. In the NFL, two-thirds of the teams do not advance to any postseason event and just one team ends its season with a huge victory. Thus the bowl system spreads the razzle-dazzle around to a large number of teams, and allows large numbers to say their seasons yielded a final triumph. That's the college spirit!

Anyways, a good read.

Happy Chanukah Everybody!!!