War In The Middle West, The BS BCS, and Mickey Mouse



At 3:30 Saturday afternoon, one of the world's most volatile conflict reigions will break out into a violent civil war. The century old rivalry between two radicalized superpowers will once again rear its ugly head. Last year, dozens were arrested, fires were set, cars were overturned, and the whole nation witnessed the breakdown of ordered society.

I'm talking of course, about Ohio State vs. Michigan.

In college football, and perhaps all of sport, there is no rivalry more heated than the one between these two midwestern teams.

Woody Hayes, the famed Ohio State coach who led the team to 13 conference titles, best exemplifies the bad blood between the two colleges. He never referred to Michigan by name, calling them instead "that school up north." Once, on a recruiting trip in the state of Michigan, he refused to stop at a gas station, even though the car was running low on fuel. "We'll coast and push this goddam car to the Ohio line before I give this state a nickel of my money," he's quoted as saying.

It's the kind of rivalry that inspires jokes like this:

What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".

How do you get to Columbus from Ann Arbor?
Go south until you smell shit, then east until you step in it.

It's no wonder that all week, the sports talk across the radio, tv, and internet has analyzed every aspect of the game, from Ohio State quarterback and Heisman-candidate Troy Smith to the comeback of star Michigan receiver Mario Manningham from injury. But the real story hasn't really been covered in the mainstream media. My parents.

My Dad went to Ohio State as an undergrad. Played Track and Field for them. Was one of those guys who probably painted his face silver and maroon before every game.

Then, in a fortunate fit of lunacy, he went to University of Michigan Law School.

I say "fortunate fit of lunacy," because Michigan is where he met my mom, a graduate student.

My Dad, sport that he is, rooted for the Wolverines all football season. But then November rolled around. Then the game, THE GAME would come around. His friends at Michigan would stop talking to him. Others would approach him asking, "How do you get to Columbus from Ann Arbor..."

Luckily for me, despite the fact that my dad sat with the Ohio State fans decked out in Buckeye gear, my mom, who sat across the stadium dressed in blue and maize, still married the guy. They've sat through thirty-four Michigan-Ohio State games together, and I'm happy to report that divorce proceedings have only been seriously considered a handful of times.

To complicate things, my sister and cousin both went to Michigan as well. And me? Well. NYU doesn't have a football team. So I root for the team I grew up rooting for... Ohio State. Yes, it's an interesting day when these two teams face off, to say the least. When my cousin says the words "Charles Woodson," I still shudder (He won the game singlehandedly for Michigan in 1997). But Ohio State's mostly had the edge since then.

This year, the stakes are as big as they were in that infamous 1997 matchup: a national championship is on the line. Ohio State is ranked #1. Michigan, #2. The winner clinches a spot in the BCS national championship. The loser cries.

And that will pose an interesting dilemma in the world of college football. Back in the late 1990's, when everyone was on drugs, some hippies decided that the best way to choose a national champion was by mixing the ranking formulas of several computers with the rankings of self-indulgent sports writers and completely biased and often incontinent coaches. And this system worked... not at all. There was a tie for the national championship, undefeated teams that never got to play for the title, and clearly subpar teams (I'm looking at you 2001 Cornhuskers) that somehow got the chance to be no. 1.

After Saturday, we'll know for sure that either Ohio State or Michigan belongs in that title game. But who they'll play is anyones guess. Rutgers, currently undefeated, shocked superpower Louisville and made a bold statement that they can compete with anyone. And they're from Jersey, my home state, which warms my heart. We're not used to college football in Jersey. The first game was played here back in the 1800's and it seemed, until last week, another game hadn't been played since.

But here's where the Bull Sh*t BCS comes in. Even if Rutgers ends the season undefeated (having taken out #3 Louisville and #8 West Virginia), they still may not get into the national championship game. Why? Because the aforementioned computers, idiotic sports writers and bowel-control-challenged coaches think some team that's lost a game is better because they have a history of being good.

There's only one way to know for sure. All the top teams must play each other. A tournament would get it done. You could have the top ranked 8 teams play a NCAA Basketball-style tournament, single elimination, until you're left with the two surviving teams. Then they play for the national championship. Period. The whole thing settled in three weeks. End of story.

Alas, the powers that be are perfectly content with a system developed by the same people who apparently managed the Iraq war and wrote the movie adaptation of Lost In Space (worst movie.. ever).



I'm dying for an Ohio State vs. Rutgers matchup. My guess? A bet on Rutgers would get you some pretty hefty returns if they ended up winning. But they're exciting and got a lotta heart. Did you see that field after their kicker Ito slammed the game-winning field goal home?



This year, now that my sister's graduated "that school up north", we'll all be watching the OSU-UM game together. But not at home. We'll be watching in Disney World. We're going there for a wedding.


Will Mickey perform the ceremony? I sure hope so.

I wonder who he roots for?



Looks like Ohio State to me!


[actually, looks a bit like Nebraska]

That's all for now. Go Buckeyes!

It's A Beautiful Day



So that's it for Rummy. The Secretary of Defense famously claimed the Iraq war would be over faster than a teenage boy's first time, then came up with the brilliant plan of hiding in the bathroom whenever a report came in of more soldiers dying. But it wasn't the horrific way the war was handled that did Rumsfeld in.. oh no. It was the 2006 midterm election. Rummy saw the writing on the wall... no way he was going to survive in office five minutes with the Democrats in charge. And Bush, blamed for the Republican defeat, was in no position to deny Rummy's resignation this time around (Rumsfeld had allegedly offered it countless times before). So Rummy's gone, and good riddance. Now, maybe, just maybe, the plan to win the war in Iraq will change from "pretend things are ok" to something a bit more concrete.

On another note...

If you know me, you know I take no pleasure in other people's misfortune. But Rick Santorum is a special kind of evil, so I don't feel guilty basking in the glorious glow of his firey demise.

This picture makes me laugh:



However, this one makes me laugh harder:



I know, I know. I'm a heartless bastard. She's eight years old! But i mean, she's taking it pretty hard... and... Jesus, look at the doll! They're wearing the same dress! Weird!!!!

Time For A Change

After years of arrogance and embarassment, it was finally time for a change. And the decision has been made. Now we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Britney Spears is divorcing Kevin Federline.



Oh and, yeah, the Democrats won the House and probably the Senate.

Everybody saw this coming. K-Fed now has the opportunity to knock yet another celebrity up with two kids and then leave (his ex also has two mini-Feds).

Perhaps the election was just the impetus Britney needed to vote her scumbag husband out. The neverending tabloid articles forecasting the end of the marriage were not unlike the many campaign commercials urging Americans to make a change. While millions of Americans were fed up with Bush, Britney was finally fed up with k fed.



The divorce apparently came as a shock to K-Fed, who was too busy trying to remarket his CD to consumers as a beverage coaster. Republicans, on the other hand, kind of knew this was coming. How could it not, with all the scandalous sex, horrifying mistakes, and rampant abuses of power? Yes, Republicans knew a Britney-K-Fed split was inevitable.

What does the future hold? Do the Democrats have a plan to win in Iraq? Does Britney have a plan to launch a new album? (she's been looking good lately)

I'm optimistic. By this time next year, we'll have Iraq secure, and be listening to the new Britney single, "Fed Up." And Former Senator Rick Santorum and failed rapper K-Fed will be cited on Page Six for their shocking indiscretions at Scores Gentleman's Club.

TMZ.com provides a photo retrospective of the couple's epic, tragic romance.

And MSNBC provides a handy map showing just how much Democrat fever has swept the nation.

It's a big day for change, people! So wear a new outfit. Eat at a new place. Take a different route home. If Britney can turn from pop star to white trash momma to pop star again, and the Democrats can turn from pansies to head honchos, there's hope for us all.


(note: first time voting in an actual voting booth-- rather than absentee)

Election Day!!

It's here! The day millions of Americans head to the booths to have their votes miscounted and skewed toward Republican candidates!

I'll be heading home to Jersey tonight to exercise my civic duty, because I didn't order the absentee ballot and apparently the race is close (about as close as that presidential election was).

I was leaning towards Menendez, but then I stumbled upon this guy...

Finally! A candidate we can believe in!



Ed Forchion describes himself as a political activist and dissident. According to his website, in 2000 he was imprisoned 18 months after "a unfair trial in which he was not allowed to have witnesses or to present [sic] a jury."

"Then after release from prison NJweedman was re-jailed from August 24th, 2002 - Jan 25th, 2003 for publicly dis-agreeing (free speech?) with the Government's Drug War Policy by Do-Gooder Christian NJ state officials. NJweedman was truely a political prisoner of our nations 'War on Drugs'."

This guy is my hero. He also has what I'm guessing is the only candidate website which plays rap music in the background. And features pictures of him smoking weed.

You wanna shake congress up? This guy is your man.
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PLUS: Don't be fooled! Republican dirty tricks: Don't believe this phone call!

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Poll Dancing

In less than 24 hours, the polls will open across the United States and millions of Americans will decide whether the Republicans are rewarded for their tough stand against the huge, apocolyptic threat of gay marriage, or whether the Democrats get a chance to clean up the dirty, bloody mess of the last six years.

A girl I know (i.e. hot chick who posed in playboy's college issue who I requested on Facebook) posted this online today, and I found it makes a very good point:

What You Need To Believe To Vote Republican:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades [??], but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host [or evangelical preacher!]. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail. [ha!]

18. Don't support stem cell research BUT support animal testing which fails to work everytime and actually causes suffering and death.

I would add two more...

19. The government should spend millions on bridges to nowhere and questionable wars, so there's no money left to rebuild the Gulf Coast after a major hurricane.

20. In order to defend our freedom, we must permanently give up several of our freedoms.

What's scary is that it seems many people DO believe these things. After all, the polls do seem to show a 50-50 split between Democrats and Republicans in this country. Nevermind the hypocrisy and oxymorons that underlie these beliefs... how can Republicans support a Republican congress that has abandoned all semblance of conservative doctrine?? Big spending, rampant corruption, large government-- all these things seem in opposition to the party's core values. Maybe that's why so many conservative pundits are upset with the Bush administration.

Tomorrow, the voting booth provides an avenue for change. A chance to reverse the sad trend of our government's decline and once again make it the beacon of the free world.

If you've read this blog (or the above), then you know I'm not exactly a Republican. But even if I was, I'd be hard pressed to vote for one. The Democrats are not about imposing their beliefs on the populace. A Democratic Senate won't mean gay marriage drive-thrus opening in Texas. A Democratic House won't mean abortion doctors will be awarded the medal of valor. What a Democratic congress does mean is that real efforts will be made to end the war in Iraq. What a Democratic congress means is that we'll finally begin to repair relations with the rest of the world. What a Democratic congress means is an end to the corruption and scandal that has ran through Washington unchecked for the past six years.

What it means is that accountability will be back in Washington. No more blank checks. No more rubber stamps. No more mock debates. For the first time in six years, George W. Bush will be forced to do what the people want him to do. That 39% approval rating exists for a reason. If congress is Democratic, Bush will finally have to address that.

So vote tomorrow. And vote Democrat. Not because I told you to. Not because you're some raving liberal lunatic. But because you're tired of a government that does whatever it wants and keeps f&*king everything up.