Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Nazis Alive And Well In Alabama

Nazi...er.. Republican lawmaker wants books "burned" from school libraries.

Apparently, those wiley gays and their "brainwashing literature," such as "A Streetcar Named Desire" and "The Importance of Being Earnest" are converting America's children from bible-loving heterosexuals (who wait until marriage) into flaming cornholing nymphomaniacs.

According to... this guy:

Gerald Allen

(Notice how politicians always hold their hands like that when speaking? Are they preparing to catch a falling baby?)

Finally a lawmaker who realizes that the greatest threat to America isn't some gun-toting, bomb making middle-eastern terrorist; it's carnation-wearing authors like Oscar Wilde.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Bush Marries Arabian Lover In Secret Ceremony

Bush Marries Arabian Prince Abdullah, and we've got the pictures to prove it!!

Bandar&Love

CRAWFORD, TX-- After months of beating around the bush, President George W. Bush and long time middle-eastern lover Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, tied the knot in a simple ceremony held on Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch.

In a field adorned with Texas Bluebonnets, Mr. Bush, dressed casually in a navy suit jacket and gray slacks and Mr. Abdullah, in traditional Arab marriage attire, held hands as they walked up the aisle. High profile witnesses included Vice President Dick Cheney, on hand as Best Man, and Condelezza Rice as Maid of Honor, along with several foreign dignitaries.

Two Lovers

National Security Council spokesman Ted Jones told the Chicago Sun-Times that the impromtu marriage symbolized the bond of "friendship, respect and trust" that Mr. Bush and Mr. Abdullah have established over the years. James Zigby, of the Arab American Institute explained to the Sun-Times, "The president and Crown Prince Abdullah were also sending a real political message that they are partners and intend to remain that way. To the Saudi people, the message was that their leader has the respect and support of the American president. And the fact that President Bush confidently took the crown prince's hand and held it all the way down the aisle said to Americans, 'This is my lover and I am going to walk with him.'"

Two lovers again!

The odd couple raised eyebrows when seen holding hands at two previous political and economic summits. The kisses they exchanged, often on both cheeks, grew more intense and passionate in recent weeks, fueling speculation that marriage was inevitable.

"They'll never have what me and Kevie-bubblekins have," Britney Spears, former pop-icon, current trailer trash said, in a statement posted on her website. "But the President's like, awesome, so, good for him."

No word yet on how Mr. Bush's evangelical base will respond to the news, although analysts predict continuing support.

"Who else are those proles gonna vote for? Hillary?" said an source close to the President.

Some have suggested Mr. Bush is only marrying the Crown Prince to win Saudi support for lower oil prices.

"Typical cynical liberal bulls**t," says the source. "This isn't about politics. This is about love."

Love in A Field
(real story here: The Scoop)
Finally Some Security!

I've been saying it for years, and at long last, someone's taken my advice. We're finally taking the threat of penguins to civil aviation seriously.

Penguins Get Screened

Penguin Bin Ladens Thwarted At Airport

Also, See: Those Damn Penguin Teenagers

Friday, April 22, 2005

Gorillas Gone Wild

A Chimp has a smoking problem, say zoo officials.

Marlboro..Chimp

Question not answered in article... so who gives him a light?

Can this chimp use a lighter?

Also... couldn't they, you know, stop giving him cigarettes? He's a chimp, he can't exactly walk down the the bodega and buy a pack. What's he gonna buy it with... bananas?

I'm convinced this is a marketing ploy by Phillip Morris.

At least he's not as bad as his cousin Koko, the lesbian gorilla who makes female zookeepers flash her.

How hot would that porn video be!!

Speaking of porn, this goes a little too in depth for my tastes: The Sex Life of Bonobos. The Republicans would not approve.

Sex, Drugs, Harrassment among primates!?

It's so ape-alling. (ha!)

P.S. They're Grrrreat! Woman Breast-Feeds Tiger Cubs

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The End Of The World

Will Smith Was Right!!

Apparently, the greatest danger to human life on this planet is... super-intelligent ROBOTS??

How To Lose A Planet In Ten Ways

I, on the other hand, am much more afraid of the threat posed to us by ZOMBIES

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