By Gods! The Slippery-Slopers Were Right!!


The Evil Empire

Ok. You told me so. Go ahead. Gloat. You said that the smoking ban was just the beginning. "If they ban smoking, what will they ban next?" you said. Then they banned trans fats. "So what," I still insisted, "Not a big deal." You just shook your head and quoted Natalie Portman from Revenge of the Sith. "So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause."

I didn't believe you. I'm sorry.

A NY state senator just announced the city's latest foray into the business of controlling our personal health and safety:

Banning iPods and cell phones while crossing the street.

In the interests of my health, I walk back from work every day. It's about 25 city blocks. During that time, not wanting to have my eardrums assaulted by the not-so-delightful sounds of the city, I listen to my iPod. Occassionally, I talk on my cell phone.

Now, I am not an idiot. I look when I cross the street. I suspect most people do. But for some reason (stupidity), some people don't. And these people sometimes get hit by cars (or crazy delivery men speeding on their bicycles). Darwin would say this is a perfect example of natural selection, and we should just let things be. I believe it was he who said, "If the dumb among us refuse to look when they cross the street, then they deserve to be removed from the gene pool." Or maybe that was said by me.

But now, New York State Sen. Carl Kruger (also known as Darth Sidious), wants to make a law that punishes the smart and dumb alike by banning the use of electronic devices while crossing the street. Pedestrians would be punished with a $100 dollar fine if caught listening to Hootie and the Blowfish while crossing Houston Street. $1000 if they're caught listening to Hootie's later solo work (that's REALLY damaging to your health.)

I have no desire to switch off my iPod at every intersection. Or hang up on my ninety-year-old Grandpa because I'm about to step onto the crosswalk. I don't feel I should be punished because a few stupid people chose to stroll into oncoming traffic rather than look up from scrolling through their collection of New Kids On The Block tunes.

You saw this coming. What's next indeed? Why not ban Magnolia cupcakes? Too much sugar is bad for you! Ban Frisbee in Central Park... You could hit someone! Ban Dog Walking? Dogs might attack somebody! Ban the view from the top of the Empire State Building... Someone could jump off! Shouldn't we ban Broadway shows? "CATS" can cause seizures!! Before you know it, every cultural activity, trend and comfort will be stripped from our beloved New York City, leaving only a dire wasteland of increasingly expensive trendy steakhouses, which will serve nothing but prime cuts of grass-fed Japanese tofu.

You tried to warn me this would happen. You tried to tell me that banning "bad" things would lead to banning good things. You tried to tell me Bloomberg was an evil Cyborg from a distant alien planet. I wasn't listening before, I admit, but I certainly will now.

Right after this song.


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Write To Rep. Carl Kruger at kruger@senate.state.ny.us and tell him not to ban our iPods!!!!

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