Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Desperate Measures

Yeah, I know, this is more than $2.97

It's hard to get people to join the military. Especially in a time of war. Especially in a time of utterly unnecessary, badly planned war. Especially in a time when U.S. defense contractors make their bulletproof vests out of swiss cheese and silly putty. So it's understandable that the U.S. military should have trouble recruiting fresh blood.

Luckily, the U.S. Army National Guard is offering a stellar, hip way to get those recruits they need.

Offer them $2.97.

Yep. That's right. All you have to do is listen to a recruiter, and you'll get a whopping TWO DOLLARS AND NINETY SEVEN CENTS. How's that for a brilliant recruiting tactic?

Of course, this isn't just a measly two bills and change... this is iTunes money. That's right. The U.S. National Guard is so hip and "with it" that they're offering three (count em!) 3 free iTunes music store downloads (a 99 cents per song value!), just for coming in and giving them a moment of your time.

Read about the amazing offer here.

If this isn't desperation, I don't know what is.

I've got a better idea. How about we start winning this thing. How about we start planning better and start actually listening to the Iraqi people. They have a good suggestion. Leave. But yeah, apparently the idea of leaving is so abhorrent that the right feels it's necessary to bash the grieving mother of a dead soldier. We can't leave, not unless we want to take the blame for what we fear Iraq will devolve into without us.

Ok, well how about a slow pullout? Make it harder for the terrorists to attack us because... they can't find us so easily anymore. Time to maintain a low profile. Maybe change the Army uniforms to muftis.

I personally believe that the terrorists attack us in Iraq because... we're in Iraq. I think if we left, they'd stop. And the Iraqi government would be forced to take charge, instead of running to tell Daddy Bush everytime Bobby Insurgent throws a rock on the playground.

It's stubborn to stay. It's noble to know when we can't win.

Manage the military with a little more common sense, instead of braindead $2.97 offers, and you'll solve your recruitment problem.

Of course, sex always sells too.

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