Monday, November 01, 2004

Bin Laden Speaks

Replacing Conan on the Late Late Show: Osama Bin Laden!!!!!

Yes, he was once the world's most feared terrorist leader, but ever since Bush said "I'm not really worried about him," his approval rating has gone up uP UP!!!!

Yeah, he should have been killed by U.S. forces year ago, but luckily he escaped, due to the fact the armies surrounding him at Tora Bora were... you guessed it: Al queda sympathizers!

This guy has staying power... and he looks GREAT!! Did you hear some of his zingers on Bush, the evil monarch!? Classic.

Yes, we at NBC feel he is sort of a controversial figure. But so is Bill O'Reilly! He had a huge sexual harrassment scandal, and his ratings went through the roof!!!!!

In all seriousness... people think this video helps Bush?

Shouldn't it remind everyone of Bush's collassal failure???

In case you need reminding, before Iraq and Flipper: The Attack of the Republican Clones, there was this thing called 9/11.

It happened while the president was at a photo op. A photo op he stayed at for seven minutes.

It happened after the "president" spent the bulk of his first year hanging around his texas ranch, chopping wood. Sometime during his stay at his ranch, he received a report saying "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S." Misunderstanding the title, Bush assumed Bin Laden was going to walk off his job and picket the loss of health benefits at his grocery store. He then went to bed, even though it was only 3:00 p.m., an hour after he had been rudely awakened by a fly buzzing by the window.

Read chapter 8 of the 9/11 report, a book that, if you haven't read, you shouldn't be voting. The summer of 2001, the system was "blinking red." There were so much intelligence on threats pouring in that Richard Clarke cancelled vacation for his entire staff.

Meanwhile, Bush chopped some wood.

The 9/11 report is very concilliatory, allowing that the attack probably couldn't have been prevented. But it's less concilliatory than the republican line would have you believe. While Bush and Cheney continue to say the 9/11 report found links between Osama and Saddam, the truth is, the report disparages any such links.

Whatever you believe about the attacks inevitability-- don't you find it the least bit disturbing that with all these threats, we issued NO ALERT!?!?!

Of course, no one lower on the totem pole had the initiative. And Bush was too busy watching the tumbleweeds blow by.

But ok, lets say it couldn't have been stopped. So what could Bush do? Oh yeah. REVENGE!

Get the guy who did this. Get the guy who killed innocent Americans, some of the best and brightest.

Of course, there was a problem with Afghanistan. Not a lot of oil. And while Bin Laden had killed a bunch of Americans, he didn't, as Bush said "try and kill my daddy."

So we had Bin Laden surrounded, but Bush was busy pulling U.S. troops out of afghanistan to fight the real terrorist. Saddam, not the guy he "wasn't too concerned about."

So Osama escaped.

And the soldiers left in Afghanistan are less than the number of police officers in New York City.

So lets assume that makes sense, and we'll move on.

So Saddam is the new Laden. The only problem is, Saddam hasn't killed an American since 1992. So how do we justify this war?

Hmm. What scares people? Human rights violations? Nah. Angry rhetoric against Israel? That only scares the Jews. No, no, I got it... WMD!!!!!

So we say Bin Laden's got the bomb... I mean Saddam... damn, theyre so interchangable! They're both foreign!!!

So Saddam's got the bomb. But no one believes us. Because the weapons inspectors have been there, havent seen anything. Because the only proof we have is Bush's drawing of a bomb, which looks something like a potato, which he's paperclipped to a photo of saddam.

But yeah, the UN hates Saddam. They're not fans of him. They're willing to go along. "Just wait a sec," they tell us. "Lets see if we can get him to let our inspectors back in to check stuff out. Let's avoid the deaths of our soldiers and innocent iraqis and the wrath of the muslim world if we can."

Bush: "No way! Cheney's runnin dry! We need some OIL! I mean... WMD!!!!!"

So we go in alone. Oh yeah, and England. Oh... and don't forget Poland. And those three guys from Guam. "Fuck the world, we America! America Bad Ass!!!!"

Baghdad falls in days. Bush dresses in a flight uniform, lands on an aircraft carrier, and under a banner saying "Mission Accomplished," says the fighting is over, and WMD are almost found.

Meanwhile, congress passes a law changing French Fries to Freedom Fries.

One problem. Those pesky soldiers. They just keep dying. And the media! The damn media keeps wanting to show those coffins!

Another problem. "Eh, those WMDs... well. We kinda.. well... we exaggerated a bit. Well. Alot."

But its all good. Bush can laugh about it. He bends over, looks under his desk. "No WMDs here!" What a riot!!!!

Some explosives go missing, the Green Zone becomes the red zone, we find out the statue of saddam was torn down by American soldiers, not Iraqi civilians, and guess what... those damn Iraqis have some sort of problem with their houses and wedding parties being bombed and being subject to random house to house searches.

Free elections in January!!!! (Except 80% of Iraq might vote for the second coming of hitler)

Ok. So these are facts. They're not propoganda. They're not liberal lies, although my take on them may be colored with some liberal cynicism. These are facts.

So after some political commercials, a gay-marriage bill designed to divide the country further, and a debate including the question: What have you learned from your wife? BIN LADEN COMES BACK ON THE SCENE.

Remember him?

How is this guy still alive? How is he still the head of an organization which never had its largest membership in Iraq, but in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yemen, and the UAE? How?

Read above.

This Bin Laden video helping Bush? The very fact that Bin Laden is alive to make a tape should be the death knell for a Bush second term.

Should be. But people are stupid (sorry, I mean "swing voters"). They worry that Bin Laden is a Kerry backer.

Which is odd, because it's not Kerry who's responsible for higher recruitment, higher prestige, and higher motivation in Al Queda.

It's not Kerry who let Bin Laden live to see another day.

It's Bush.

A vote for Bush applauds Bin Laden's freedom.
A vote for Bush supports terror.

Hmm, you know what?

I guess Bin Laden did mean for his tape to help Bush.

I stand corrected.

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