Just In Case You Weren't Going To Vote Today

This should convince you:

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

(thanks Brooke!)

A few last minute things to think about:

Who's more likely to "change Washington?" A 72-year old who's been in the Senate for decades, or a 47-year-old newcomer?

Who's more likely to reverse the past 8 years of bad government? A member of the Republican party that's ruled Washington for the past 8 years? Or a member of the opposition party?

Who's more likely to settle the situation in the middle east in a responsible way? The Republican who once sang in public "Bomb, Bomb Iran?" Or the Democrat who believes diplomacy should at least be tried before sending our troops to war?

Which vice president is more likely to be a good president if their running mate is somehow taken out of office? A former beauty pageant contestant and hockey mom who's never left Alaska? Or an experienced foreign affairs committee leader in the Senate who's been on the shortlist for a Presidential bid for years?

I don't think I need to spell it out for you.

Republicans, don't worry. Democrats will never force women to get abortions. They won't begin training kids to be gay. Democrats won't raise your taxes and then give your tax money to terrorists. Obama will not declare Osama as his Secretary of State. About the only thing that will change is that the economy will rebound and less of our troops will be dying overseas. Remember the Clinton years?

Minus the blowjob, of course.

Remember: 9/11 happened under Republican watch. And don't be fooled. While no terrorist attacks have happened over here in the U.S. since, the amount of terrorist attacks in the world have gone up during 8 Republican years. Are they really making us safer? How many times can you kick a beehive before you get stung? Republicans seem to want to find out.

Ok, ok. I've said all I'm going to say. Go vote. For whoever.

Whoever isn't John McCain.

Bush To Live In Cave Until Election

AP – WASHINGTON – It's no coincidence President Bush has been out of the public's eye in recent days — that's the way the Republican Party wants it. White House press secretary Dana Perino said Monday the incumbent's invisibility is by design — because "the Republican Party wanted to make this election about John McCain."
"The president knows there are people in this country who want change and are looking for something new," Perino said.

"We're realistic about the political environment that we are in," she said. "What keeps him going is knowing that he's done the right thing."

That's why Bush has, in recent days, moved into a cave in an undisclosed location somewhere in the southwestern United States.

"He has all the amenities there that he has at the White House," said Jan Fakebody, a senior Bush staffer. "He's got satellite tv, a personal chef, a king size bed. It's just a bit drafty, that's all."

When asked who is running the country at this tumultuous time, Fakebody replied, "The same person who's been running the country since 2000. Dick Cheaney."

As McCain and Democrat Barack Obama made their final pitches to voters over the weekend, Bush spent time drawing pictures on the cave's walls. "This one's a goat," he said, pointing at a crude stick-figure painted with a yellow highlighter. "I call him Freddie."

He has no public events on Monday or Tuesday, not even an Election Day photo op. Bush has already voted by absentee ballot and plans a small dinner in his cave Tuesday night with two purposes: celebrating his wife's birthday and watching old episodes of the WB cartoon "Animaniacs."

"Pinky and The Brain, now that would be a winning ticket," Bush said, in reference to two of the show's characters.

The White House said Bush is keeping up to date with the financial crisis, two wars and the upcoming transition to a new administration, despite being in a cave. "It's a very well-appointed cave," Fakebody said. "It's got Verizon FIOS."

In early September after Hurricane Gustav, Bush scrapped his planned opening-night speech at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn., and instead spoke via satellite. But in recent days, Bush has declined to issue any statements using the cave's satellite link-up, preferring instead to record videos himself on a Sony Handicam and passing the videotapes to local shepherds, who then provide them to contacts at major news outlets.

"We expect his new video soon," Fakebody says. "Hopefully it includes fewer shadow puppets than in the first one."

Japanese People Are Weird...

...but they love Obama:



So, yeah... go vote for him.

Courtesy of Clicked.

PLUS: Just in case you think Sarah Palin's qualified for Vice President:



Not sure what the dancing people have to do with anything, but it's pretty funny.

Other Joes Get Cold Shoulder From Political Campaigns



In the election's final month, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain has repeatedly referenced Joe the Plumber in an effort to show voters how Barack Obama's tax policies could hurt the average working man. The tactic is a slight departure from the campaign's previous focus on Joe Six-Pack, mentioned numerous times in the vice presidential debate.

But there is evidence McCain's strategy may be leaving at least one group of prospective voters out in the cold.

"Maybe it's because I'm Jewish, but I haven't gotten much attention from either of the candidates this year," says Joe Schmoe, a former favorite collective pseudonym referred to by politicians.

"I've always been proud to be a part of campaign speeches and debate arguments," Schmoe says. "For whatever reason, it's just not happening this year."

John Doe, long a favorite of the legal community, has noticed a definite trend of politicians moving away from traditional collective pseudonyms towards more specific monikers.

"There's an impression that candidates can make more of an impact by targeting specific groups of voters rather than an American everyman like myself," Doe says.

John Q. Public agrees.

"I thought that movie with Denzel Washington was going to catapult me back into the big time," Public says. "But these days, all politicians want is an occupational name that screams 'lower-middle-class.'"

That bodes well for Joe the Carpenter and Joe the Electrician, both who claim to have an eye on the big time after Joe the Plumber's meteoric rise.

"I've been waiting for the opportunity to be mentioned in a stump speech," Carpenter says. "With the economy as bad as it is, this might be my only chance."

Joe the Electrician has sent emails to the campaigns of both major candidates. "I'm an undecided voter," he says. "If it's anyone that they should be talking about, it's me."

John Q. Public believes we may see more of this kind of thing. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants their fifteen minutes, and a desperate candidate seeking to connect with voters might just give it to them."

Tom, Dick and Harry could not be reached for comment.

Other Average Joes are content to sit this election cycle out.

"I'm focusing too much on improving my scores on the SAT," says Joe Bloggs, an average test-taker many students judge their performance against. "If Joe the Plumber wants to expose himself to that kind of scrutiny, then God bless him."

Jane Roe is refusing to vote due to what she believes is a failure by both campaigns to reach out to female placeholder names. "It's always Joe this, Joe that. You'd think Sarah Palin would at least give a shout out to a Jane or a Mary."

Whatever name candidates decide to elevate into the national consciousness in these final days, one thing is certain-- the notoriety is unlikely to last. Joe Six-Pack, for one, knows all too well how quickly fame can slip away.

"One minute you're on top, next minute, they drop you like a dead hooker off the side of a cruise ship," Six-Pack says. "Politics is a cruel game."

The Anti-Education Republican Party

I've begun to notice a definite disdain among the leaders and pundits of the Republican party for so-called "intellectuals" and "elites." (actually, I noticed it four years ago). This behavior fits with their strategy of trying to woo the "common man," whom the Republican party believes is a plumber named Joe who downs a six-pack of beer every night before bed.

To the Republicans, Joe isn't very smart. Note how McCain, in the second, "town hall" debate, said "You probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac before this," to the African-American man who posed him a question about the economy. Some people thought McCain assumed the man wasn't informed because the man was black... I say, McCain was simply doing what the Republicans have become very good at: talking down to a populace that they think are idiots.

In the Republican Party's defense, they may be right. After all, Bush was re-elected. How smart can our country be?

But I digress. The Republican party continually paints science and progress as a bad guy-- enemy of religion, killer of babies, liberal poison designed to turn a generation of schoolchildren into Democrats. Need evidence?

Their support for school vouchers and homeschooling initiatives that take funding away from public schools and puts education in the hands of amateurs.

Support for creationism to be taught in schools.

Denial of global warming.

Deriding legitimate scientific research as "pork spending."

Cutting Pell grants and other ways to help people obtain a higher education.

Forcing medical doctors to adhere to politically-influenced scripts which make no logical, medical sense.

Anointing a VP candidate who doesn't read books, doesn't know the role of a VP, and who believes Alaska will be a final battleground of the apocalypse.

Slate has an excellent article here by Christopher Hitchens about this disturbing trend.

I'm not saying voting for Democrats makes you smarter than voting for a Republican. But if Republicans continue to pander to the segment of society which abhors logic and reason, its only a matter of time before the Republican party becomes the thing it covets.