Apocalypse Cow


"The Horror... the horror..."

I just realized that my last post was number 666, so in an effort to make this blog less devil-friendly, I decided to post something new.

I've always thought vegetarians are pretty nuts. You may love animals, but guess what. Animals eat meat too. I was just in Central Park this morning and saw a hawk eat a pigeon. Ah, the circle of life.

None of the arguments really swayed me. Even those PETA ads showing the slaughterhouses and stuff. That stuff isn't pleasant, but even lettuce is grown in fields fertilized by poop. E-Coli anyone? Besides, if animals weren't meant to be eaten, they wouldn't taste so good. They'd taste like... tofu.

Then I read this New York Times piece. To me, this is a much better argument against meat-eating than any other one out there. Every tasty burger doesn't only cost a cow's life, but it may be costing us our planet's future. Raising and slaughtering the amount of cattle necessary to fulfill our country's collective cravings for nightly meals at Outback Steakhouse causes catastrophic damage to the ecosystem: far beyond the damage caused by cars, power plants and C. Montgomery Burns's Lil' Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry.

The gist of the piece: If we keep eating meat at this rate, in a few decades our rainforests will be gone, our rivers will flow with cow excrement, and the shit will pile up so fast you'll need wings to stay above it.


"Smells funky in here..."

Now, I don't know if I'll be able to stop eating beef completely. Superbowl is coming up, and something needs to go inside those mini-hotdog buns. But if the rest of you do your part and stay away from the Sizzler, we just may be able to delay the inevitable doom of our planet.

Bionic-Eyed Rabbits Revolt Against Scientists



Researchers at the University of Washington, who tested their new electronic contact lenses on bunny rabbits, were shocked this morning when they entered the lab to discover the rabbits out of their cages, and shooting plasma rays out of their eye sockets.

"We don't know what went wrong," said one of the scientists, seconds before being vaporized by a bunny named Hoppy. "In retrospect, perhaps the bunnies didn't appreciate all the tests we ran on them."

The bunnies demanded carrots, 10 tons of carrots to be precise, before they'd agree to let the surviving scientist hostages go.

Campus security chief Edmund C. Notreal scrambled to meet the adorable bunnies' demands.

"It was difficult, but we managed to locate a baby carrot supplier in Northern California that was able to quickly ship that large quantity," Notreal said. "Unfortunately for us, the bunnies demanded whole carrots, not baby ones."

Three more scientists were melted in retaliation.

The bunnies' leader, Snowy, issued a statement through PETA's website:

"We will not back down until our demands are met. We're sick of trying on cosmetics and new hair dyes. Now that we've been given the power to fight back, we will not be test subjects anymore."

University of Washington spokesperson Gerald P. Figment denied any wrongdoing on the part of the university's research team. "We take great care of those bunnies," Figment said. "Their cages are twice the size of the cages at University of Oregon."

At press time, the fate of the bunnies, and their scientist hostages, was undetermined, but Notreal was optimistic.

"The bunnies have already released one scientist, although he was very skinny, covered in rabbit fur, and hopped along awkwardly... almost as if it weren't a human being at all, but just a bunch of bunnies standing on each other's shoulders, disguised in a lab coat," Notreal said. "We haven't heard any demands coming from the building in a while, but we're hopeful we'll re-establish contact soon."

Broken Brady? Don't Believe It, Giants



The news today, on its surface, should make New York Giants fans cheer: New Endland Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was seen wearing a cast on his leg. But Big Blue Boosters shouldn't get too excited... I have a feeling this is all an elaborate ploy by coaching mastermind Bill Belichik.

Suddenly finding his team about to face a red-hot, determined Giants squad, Bill needed to find a way to lull the Giants into a false sense of security. By making Brady look injured, he's hoping the Giants won't prepare as hard to face him.

What evidence to I have for this?

Curt Schilling's "Bloody Sock."



A sports journalist reported that Red Sox cather Doug Mirabelli told him that Schilling's bloody sock was faked. Of course, Mirabelli denied it, and the sports journalist recanted. But I still don't trust those Bostoners. If Schilling can fake a bloody ankle to lull the Yankees to sleep, then is it so far-fetched to think Brady, another chowda-head, wouldn't do the same thing?

After all, Brady is far from a stand-up guy. As we all recall, he left:



for



Need more evidence? He was spotted LAST NIGHT without the walking cast. Shenanigans!!



So my advice to the Giants? Practice as if Brady is perfectly fine. Actually, practice as if he just got a robot super arm installed. And 4-wheel-drive. And laser beams for eyes. Because if it's two things we know, its that we can't trust Bill Belicheat's injury report and we can't trust New England sports stars.

Let's Go Blue!!

Counter Strike


The Real Cause Of The Writer's Strike: Refusal To Work On Crap Like Cavemen

With no end to the Writers Guild strike in sight, one has to wonder: what do the studios have up there sleeve? Production has already been shut down on many, if not all, of the shows slated for the 2008 season. This week, the studios fired the writers they had on hand, throwing even next year's television slate into jeporady. Thanks to the writers' strike, Lost, Season 4 will only be 8 episodes long, meaning that the answer to the four-toed statue mystery will not be coming anytime soon.

The writers, and just about everyone else, figured the studios would have blinked by now. But the fact that they haven't indicates--at least to me--that the studios have a plan to weather the storm.

This worries me, as a member of the tv-watching public, and it should worry you. Because if you watched that pathetic Golden Globes, it's obvious that without writers (and the actors that support them), all we're left with is Billy Bush and another season of "Battle of the Choirs."

While I back the writers in this fight, I have no desire for TV to become a wasteland of half-baked reality tv and crappy game shows. So I've compiled a list of five ways networks can continue to put out programming that the viewing public can enjoy:

1. Re-run Cancelled Classics. Sometimes, awesome shows met their ends wayyy too soon. CBS's Jericho, for example, about a small town that survives in a post-nuclear-attack America (which was brought back for a second season after pssionate fan demand). Or Fox's Firefly, about a ragtag bunch of space travelers in a wild-west galaxy. No one saw these shows because the networks were glutted with high quality fare like "Celebrity Boxing," "Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire," and "Baby Bob." Now is the time to bring them back for a second run. A dedicated cult following will watch the shows, and they'll appear brand new to those who haven't seen them before (and that's most people). Better yet, the shows may undergo a "Family Guy"-style rebirth, with renewed interest sparking DVD sales and increasing demand for new episodes.

I'm not the only one with this idea. Alan Sepinwall, tv critic, is featuring the cancelled tv show "Cupid" on his blog, as part of his "Strike Survival Club." How long until the networks follow suit?

(also, what about a show featuring failed pilots (like "Heat Vision and Jack"?? Wouldn't it be interesting to see what the network execs passed on?? They're already in the can, and could be either great or unintentionally humorous.)

2. Feature High-Quality Online Hits. Notice the words "High Quality." I'm not talking YouTube sensations like that crying "Leave Britney alone" guy/girl and the infamous dancing baby. I'm talking about drawing from a pool of millions of shows that are only currenly available online. These include animated cartoons, comedy sketches, and fully-produced live action sitcoms. Check out programs like Jonah Ray's Freeloader's Guide To Easy Living. You're telling me a show like this couldn't fly on Fox? While many online shows have their dedicated followings, none enjoy the type of viewership that comes with having a program on network television. Nearly all would jump at the chance to take their show, and their production values, to the next level.

3. Go back to season one. Lost is a brilliant show, but if you haven't seen the first season, you probably don't know what the hell is going on. Same thing with Prison Break. And 24. While the first seasons of these shows were all huge hits, it's likely that millions missed them. Now's the chance to get those viewers caught up.

The first season of a series is usually the best, because everything has been planned out and fully conceived by the time the season starts. The writers and producers had a long time to imagine and construct a great plot, and most likely, had a signifigantly higher budget than they would have in the following years. By re-running these first seasons, networks can attract new viewers who will watch the shows when they come back on, and remind current followers of the show just what greatness these shows are capable of.

4. Go British!! Ok, so no one cares about the Golden Globes. That's pretty apparent from the bulk of the comments people made after this week's "ceremony." "Best Golden Globes ever!" some people shouted. But what happens when the Grammys get cancelled? And the Emmys? And (gasp) the Oscars??

Enter the BAFTAS.

That's right. The British Academy of Film and Television Awards. All the fun of the Oscars... plus british accents! Half the celebrities on tv and in movies now are British anyway. And Americans have been copying British sitcoms (like The Office) for a while now. So lets go back to the motherland and mine their shores for entertainment.

5. Hire me. I am not a member of the WGA. I will work for peanuts. And I am very talented. Hire me and a couple of non-union actors and actresses, and we'll put together a show that will be at least as funny as ABC's Cavemen.

With all these options available, the writer's strike doesn't need to be the end of television. But let's hope this thing gets settled soon, because there's only so much the American public can take of reruns.

And I need to know the story behind that damn four-toed statue.

Smoking Jacket

My anti-smoking rant received some comments, including some from smokers who blamed the Iraq war on my popularity and told me to move to a desert island.

Fortunately for them, I've stumbled upon a way they can continue smoking, without polluting the lungs of those around them...

The Smoking Jacket:


Now That's What I Call Smokin'

Smokers simply breathe their smoke into the jacket collar, which deposits the smoke in the two clear "lungs" stylishly stitched into the front. Over time, the lungs turn black, showing the world just how dedicated you are to coming down with lung cancer.

Get yours today!!