Dirty Old Men, Killer Space Virus, Taser Crazer


Doin' It For The Species?

Ever been creeped out by old men dating or married to much, much younger women? Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Woody Allen and Soon Yi? Well, you shouldn't be creeped out. You should be thanking them. After all, according to this LiveScience article, they're responsible for increasing the human lifespan.

Yes, according to a scientific study, if Hugh Hefner has kids with one of the three twenty year olds he's dating, those kids will outlive you and me. And if those kids decide to have three girlfriends at age 80, then their kids will live even longer. And so on. Eventually, it won't be weird for People magazine to feature a story on a 150-year-old Jack Nicholson dating 20-year-old Abagail Breslin. But it still will be weird for them to marry their adopted daughters. Shame on you Woody.

Of course, we may not make it to that point, not with the KILLER SPACE DISEASE that will wipe us out.


Andromeda Strain... Hand Me An Aspirin, Please!

In southern Peru, villagers are falling ill after a meteorite crashed down in their town. I'm skeptical however. From my personal experience in Peru, I suspect something else may be causing their illness:


That's Right... Carne Corazon. Mystery Solved

Finally, at the University of Florida, former presidential hopeful and flip-flop manufacturer John Kerry came to answer questions. But only if they were the right questions, apparently. Ask the wrong ones and well... watch the video:



CNN has a clearer version here.

Yes. Apparently, being an annoying question asker is a crime (it's in the Patriot Act). And if you ask what you've done wrong, the police will NOT answer you-- they'll taser you. Because the police don't know what you've done wrong. They only know the police department gave them a taser three months ago, and they haven't been able to use it yet. That's like getting a new videogame and not being allowed to play it. The opportunity was there... even if was completely unnecessary.

[UPDATE!] Upon learning more about the circumstances surrounding the events seen in the video, I have less sympathy for the kid. However, I still think using a taser in this situation was a bit unneccessary.]

That said... you have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to question John Kerry and you ramble on and on? Shows the quality of students at UF.

Also entertaining... the only people that seem concerned are John Kerry and the ten people video-phoning the whole incident. Maybe dramatic taserings are like alligators. In Florida, they're pretty common.

Anyways, hopefully tasers will work against the alien-virus-possessed Peruvians. Cause if I'm going to date an 18 year old and live to be 150, I don't want to be sharing my future with a bunch of damn dirty zombies.


What Would Charlton Heston Do?

Bill Beli-cheat, or "Cheater, Cheater, Patriots Leader"


Bill Belichick, Football Coach, Style-Maven

Way back in late 1960's, Bill Belichick got away with cheating.

He was a star athlete at Maryland's Annapolis High, lettering in football. And faced with an important test days before the big game, he copied down the answers of the kid next to him. He had no time to study, not with all those hours of practice. Besides, he figured, copying another student's answers wasn't really against the rules. Plagarism was defined in the student handbook as "Copying another student's work." I'm not copying his work, Bill thought to himself. I'm copying his answers. I didn't do any "work" at all. According to his interpretation of the rules, Bill didn't think he'd done anything wrong.

He got an A on that test and many years later, went on to become head coach of the New York Jets... for a day, before skipping town and becoming head coach of the New England Patriots.

In November last year, after losing to the Colts and the Jets in consecutive weeks, the Patriots faced a surprising Green Bay team that had won three of its last four games.

Green Bay's offense was stymied, especially after their 3-time MVP quarterback Brett Farve was knocked out of the game late in the first half. New England, on the other hand, had no problem carving up Green Bay's defense, moving seemingly at will up the field. On their first two scoring drives, the Patriots converted on two 4th-down plays. Tom Brady threw for four touchdowns and was only sacked once.

A stellar performance by one of the NFL's most powerful teams... or was it something more sinister??

During the game, Packers security spotted a man videotaping the Green Bay sideline. The man was a member of the Patriots staff, and had no business with a video camera. They made him put the camera away and issued a warning. At the time, it was a mysterious footnote to an ugly game.

But last Sunday, against the New York Jets, another Patriots employee was spotted with a camera. This time, security officials confiscated the camera. And what did they find? The man was videotaping the Jets defensive coach. Videotaping his signals to his defense. The Patriots were studying which signals matched with which defenses, so they could change their play accordingly.

According to ESPN:

The "Game Operations Manual" states that "no video recording devices of any kind are permitted to be in use in the coaches' booth, on the field, or in the locker room during the game." Taping any signals is prohibited.

Bill Belichick had been caught cheating. And what was his response?

"Earlier this week, I spoke with Commissioner Goodell about a videotaping procedure during last Sunday's game and my interpretation of the rules. At this point, we have not been notified of the league's ruling. Although it remains a league matter, I want to apologize to everyone who has been affected, most of all ownership, staff and players. Following the league's decision, I will have further comment."

Repeatedly asked by reporters to clarify his "interpretation of the rules," Belichick instead walked away from the podium and left.

The truth is, I have no idea whether Bill Belichick cheated in high school or not. What I do know is that falling back on "interpretation of the rules," is the mark of a cowardly cheater. And Belichick's blatant disregard for fair play is worse than cheating on a high school test... if he cheated then, he only cheated himself-- now, he's cheated both Patriots and Jets fans out of seeing a fairly played game of football. Which would have been something exciting to watch.

So do to Belichick what you'd do to a kid who repeatedly cheats on tests. Kick him out.

[Note: I write this as a Jets fan.]

---------
PLUS: Went to the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert in NYC last night. Their website offers some tunes for free. Go to clapyourhandssayyeah.com and look in the right hand column.

and

To the Jewish readers out there: HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH!!! Have a sweet New Year!

Britney and I, Back In Action

I apologize for the long hiatus. My grandfather passed away two weeks ago, and it hasn't been easy to get back into the old routine. It's been extremely difficult actually. My grandfather and I were very close. But ultimately, I thought of you, loyal, good-looking readers, who have been feigning since August 28th for something entertaining and thought-provoking to consume during the hours you should be spending doing work.

I hope my comeback is a little better received than Britney Spears performance at the VMAs. To be honest, I thought she looked hot. Yeah, that's right, hot. Not "half-bad" or "good for a mother of two," but genuinely attractive. She's not an 18 year old girl anymore, people. She's a woman. And for a woman, she looks mighty fine. If she weren't a nutcase, and if she was Jewish, I'd consider asking her out on a date to the local Delicatessen (2nd Ave. Deli is reopening!!!).


So... This Is Not An Attractive Body?? You Prefer Anorexia?

Sure, her dancing and lip-synching were terrible. But she didn't deserve to be massacred by the press. I have a suspicion that most of those articles were already written before the VMAs even aired. Only a legendary performance would have kept the Negative Nancies from unleashing their diatribes.

Negative Nancies like Miki Turner, contributing writer to MSNBC. I don't like to call out a fellow journalist, but Miki openly admits to a complete bias in her opening paragraph:

"You know me. I often use this space to chastise the “Hollywood ‘Fo” — Paris, Nicole, Lindsay and Britney — because they really just make it so darn easy for me..."

Not exactly a journalist expressing their commitment to fair and accurate reporting.

Then she launches into her attack:

"First, Spears, who performed her new song “Gimme More,” looked really bad. The TMZleezy fashion police opined that she looked like “an old school hoochie” in that black rhinestoned bra and panties get-up she had on and sadly, I have to agree.

Brit, were there no mirrors in your dressing room? C’mon girl, that outfit was screaming take me off, I only want to be worn by Mary-Kate Olsen!"

First, Spears did not look bad. Sure, it's subjective, but if the above picture is "looking bad," then we as a society have set such impossibly high standards for women that it's a surprise more girls aren't vomiting and carving themselves up in the name of beauty.

Secondly, quoting TMZ.com as a reliable source of public sentiment is like quoting Bill O'Reilly as a reliable source on... anything. TMZ.com relys on sensationalism and snarky comment to attract an audience. "Britney was okay, not great," doesn't get hits. "Britney Shitney," does.

Then there's the weird Mary-Kate Olsen joke. The only sense I can make of it is that Miki is saying the outfit was too tight on Britney. Obviously, Miki would prefer Britney be as anorexic as Mary-Kate. I guess that's what Miki thinks is attractive.

"She kind of looked like a harpooned circus elephant that kept trying to move and groove because the show must go on."

That's just mean. Britney is an elephant? My God, we've sunk to a new low here.

Then, Miki has the gumption to follow up her scathing witticisms with the line, "But truthfully, I’m going to take the high road like Alicia Keys did when reporters asked her about Spears’ performance. Keys thinks we should all give “the lovely lady” a break and she’s right."

Huh? High road? Miki, you took the off ramp to the low road eons ago.

It's one thing for me to bash Bush for sending 4,000 American kids off to get slaughtered in a meaningless war, or to skewer O'Reilly for misleading people into xenophobia and group-think, but to bash Britney Spears for looking like a pretty 25-year-old instead of a hot concentration camp victim is more than mean. It contributes to a media society that too often creates ideals that normal society cannot attain. What purpose does the criticism of Spears serve, other than to make less attractive people feel better about themselves?

Ok, I'm ranting. Didn't want to start my comeback that way. I guess I'm like a harpooned circus elephant, trying write and gripe because the show must go on.

Anyways, I would love to hear your thoughts. If you're still here. I promise to continue to fulfill your impossibly high writing standards in my future posts.

Some Of The People Out There In Our Nation Don't Have Maps

I think probably everybody in the world has seen this by now, but if you're like me, and have been otherwise preoccupied the last couple of days, then you're in for a treat. The Miss Teen USA competition was on last week, and the final five were each asked a different question to answer. Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina had an interesting response:



Mario Lopez should receive an award for keeping a straight face.

She finished fourth. Much to the chagrin, I'm sure, of the fifth place contestant.

Caitlin said she was "overwhelmed" by being on live TV. Perfectly understandable. But that explaination isn't going to stop the YouTube remixes from proliferating:



Personally, I honestly want to thank Miss South Carolina for giving me a laugh. I could use one this week.

DVD Review: Classic Game Room: "The Rise And Fall Of The Internet's Greatest Video Game Review Show"



Before there was YouTube, there was Classic Game Room.

Nowadays, the Internet is clogged with off-beat, low-budget videos the pontificate on every topic known to man. But in the latter part of the 20th century, video on the Internet was a rarer animal. Classic Game Room: The Rise and Fall of the Internet's Greatest Video Game Review Show, is a tongue-in-cheek documentary that revisits this not so long ago era, chronicling the story of one early web video series that met its unfortunate end when the dot com bubble burst.

Early on in the documentary, narrator Mark Bussler describes The Game Room, the videogame review show he co-hosted with film school buddy David Crosson, as "two nerds making fools of ourselves online." And it's an apt description. The two 23-year-olds are more concerned with creating parodies and poking fun at the gameplay, graphics, and even concepts behind the games rather than giving them a GamePro-style analysis. One needs only to look at their review of X-Men: The Videogame, in which Bussler and Crosson become their alter-egos, "The Lush" and "Pottymouth" and team up to attack the evil Magneto. Crosson curses like a sailor until his enemy submits. Bussler's superpower? The ability to throw empty beer bottles at people. At least until he runs out of bottles.

The doc takes us through some of the duo's most notable shows. A review of Duck Hunt becomes a look at Nintendo's "unreleased version," called "People Hunt." A review of "Alien" for Atari turns into a Real World parody. While some of their reviews can skew towards the blue end of the comedy spectrum-- a review of the Sega Dreamcast game, "Seaman," leads to the predictable bodily fluid double entendres-- Bussler and Crosson's odd sense of humor makes them endearing characters. You're watching two kids having fun.

Additional commentary by Bussler (Crosson is mysteriously absent) does its best to put the show in context and describe what happened behind the scenes. Interspersed throughout, and overused, is some strange, seemingly random stock footage (including an unfortunately-timed video of a bridge collapsing).

While a classic video game novice will learn very little about the games these two review, video game aficionados will certainly be able to identify with Bussler and Crosson's misadventures in videogaming.

In October 2000, unable to secure advertisers (Nintendo dropped out after a not-so-positive review of Perfect Dark), the show, along with the Internet site that featured it went under. Bussler went on to become a documentary filmmaker, and one of his first projects was Classic Game Room. Sure, the film makes The Game Room out to be a bigger part of Internet history than it was, but that simply reflects the love its creators had for their creation. Today's YouTubers take note.

"Had we kept going, I think we would have been more popular than Seinfeld," Bussler deadpans in the epilogue.

After a beat, though, he admits, "No, we wouldn't."