Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Dirty Old Men, Killer Space Virus, Taser Crazer

Michael Douglas And Catherine Zeta
Doin' It For The Species?

Ever been creeped out by old men dating or married to much, much younger women? Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Woody Allen and Soon Yi? Well, you shouldn't be creeped out. You should be thanking them. After all, according to this LiveScience article, they're responsible for increasing the human lifespan.

Yes, according to a scientific study, if Hugh Hefner has kids with one of the three twenty year olds he's dating, those kids will outlive you and me. And if those kids decide to have three girlfriends at age 80, then their kids will live even longer. And so on. Eventually, it won't be weird for People magazine to feature a story on a 150-year-old Jack Nicholson dating 20-year-old Abagail Breslin. But it still will be weird for them to marry their adopted daughters. Shame on you Woody.

Of course, we may not make it to that point, not with the KILLER SPACE DISEASE that will wipe us out.

Andromeda Strain
Andromeda Strain... Hand Me An Aspirin, Please!

In southern Peru, villagers are falling ill after a meteorite crashed down in their town. I'm skeptical however. From my personal experience in Peru, I suspect something else may be causing their illness:

Carne Corazon
That's Right... Carne Corazon. Mystery Solved

Finally, at the University of Florida, former presidential hopeful and flip-flop manufacturer John Kerry came to answer questions. But only if they were the right questions, apparently. Ask the wrong ones and well... watch the video:

CNN has a clearer version here.

Yes. Apparently, being an annoying question asker is a crime (it's in the Patriot Act). And if you ask what you've done wrong, the police will NOT answer you-- they'll taser you. Because the police don't know what you've done wrong. They only know the police department gave them a taser three months ago, and they haven't been able to use it yet. That's like getting a new videogame and not being allowed to play it. The opportunity was there... even if was completely unnecessary.

[UPDATE!] Upon learning more about the circumstances surrounding the events seen in the video, I have less sympathy for the kid. However, I still think using a taser in this situation was a bit unneccessary.]

That said... you have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to question John Kerry and you ramble on and on? Shows the quality of students at UF.

Also entertaining... the only people that seem concerned are John Kerry and the ten people video-phoning the whole incident. Maybe dramatic taserings are like alligators. In Florida, they're pretty common.

Anyways, hopefully tasers will work against the alien-virus-possessed Peruvians. Cause if I'm going to date an 18 year old and live to be 150, I don't want to be sharing my future with a bunch of damn dirty zombies.

The Omega Man
What Would Charlton Heston Do?


Devan said...

I'm 18 ;] ... Well 19 in November...and now it seems as if I won't be making my way to New York for at least a year and a half, so you're gonna have to keep waiting for me. Mama Carol already told me the wedding has been arranged.

Adam said...

Sweet. I already got our house picked out, white picket fence and all.

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