Britney and I, Back In Action

I apologize for the long hiatus. My grandfather passed away two weeks ago, and it hasn't been easy to get back into the old routine. It's been extremely difficult actually. My grandfather and I were very close. But ultimately, I thought of you, loyal, good-looking readers, who have been feigning since August 28th for something entertaining and thought-provoking to consume during the hours you should be spending doing work.

I hope my comeback is a little better received than Britney Spears performance at the VMAs. To be honest, I thought she looked hot. Yeah, that's right, hot. Not "half-bad" or "good for a mother of two," but genuinely attractive. She's not an 18 year old girl anymore, people. She's a woman. And for a woman, she looks mighty fine. If she weren't a nutcase, and if she was Jewish, I'd consider asking her out on a date to the local Delicatessen (2nd Ave. Deli is reopening!!!).


So... This Is Not An Attractive Body?? You Prefer Anorexia?

Sure, her dancing and lip-synching were terrible. But she didn't deserve to be massacred by the press. I have a suspicion that most of those articles were already written before the VMAs even aired. Only a legendary performance would have kept the Negative Nancies from unleashing their diatribes.

Negative Nancies like Miki Turner, contributing writer to MSNBC. I don't like to call out a fellow journalist, but Miki openly admits to a complete bias in her opening paragraph:

"You know me. I often use this space to chastise the “Hollywood ‘Fo” — Paris, Nicole, Lindsay and Britney — because they really just make it so darn easy for me..."

Not exactly a journalist expressing their commitment to fair and accurate reporting.

Then she launches into her attack:

"First, Spears, who performed her new song “Gimme More,” looked really bad. The TMZleezy fashion police opined that she looked like “an old school hoochie” in that black rhinestoned bra and panties get-up she had on and sadly, I have to agree.

Brit, were there no mirrors in your dressing room? C’mon girl, that outfit was screaming take me off, I only want to be worn by Mary-Kate Olsen!"

First, Spears did not look bad. Sure, it's subjective, but if the above picture is "looking bad," then we as a society have set such impossibly high standards for women that it's a surprise more girls aren't vomiting and carving themselves up in the name of beauty.

Secondly, quoting TMZ.com as a reliable source of public sentiment is like quoting Bill O'Reilly as a reliable source on... anything. TMZ.com relys on sensationalism and snarky comment to attract an audience. "Britney was okay, not great," doesn't get hits. "Britney Shitney," does.

Then there's the weird Mary-Kate Olsen joke. The only sense I can make of it is that Miki is saying the outfit was too tight on Britney. Obviously, Miki would prefer Britney be as anorexic as Mary-Kate. I guess that's what Miki thinks is attractive.

"She kind of looked like a harpooned circus elephant that kept trying to move and groove because the show must go on."

That's just mean. Britney is an elephant? My God, we've sunk to a new low here.

Then, Miki has the gumption to follow up her scathing witticisms with the line, "But truthfully, I’m going to take the high road like Alicia Keys did when reporters asked her about Spears’ performance. Keys thinks we should all give “the lovely lady” a break and she’s right."

Huh? High road? Miki, you took the off ramp to the low road eons ago.

It's one thing for me to bash Bush for sending 4,000 American kids off to get slaughtered in a meaningless war, or to skewer O'Reilly for misleading people into xenophobia and group-think, but to bash Britney Spears for looking like a pretty 25-year-old instead of a hot concentration camp victim is more than mean. It contributes to a media society that too often creates ideals that normal society cannot attain. What purpose does the criticism of Spears serve, other than to make less attractive people feel better about themselves?

Ok, I'm ranting. Didn't want to start my comeback that way. I guess I'm like a harpooned circus elephant, trying write and gripe because the show must go on.

Anyways, I would love to hear your thoughts. If you're still here. I promise to continue to fulfill your impossibly high writing standards in my future posts.