This season hasn't started off well for my All-Jewish Fantasy Baseball Team. Brad Ausmus and Ian Kinsler started the season on the DL, weakening an already thin squad. And with Khalil Greene (Jew in Name only) washing out of the majors, I've struggled to find a suitable SS replacement (Willie Bloomquist... c'mon man!). The Major League Jews find themselves 1-5, last place in the West Division of MLB League 25184.
Yes, we did win a game.
Here's the current roster:
C- Chris Snyder, ARI. Yes, I know what you're thinking. Chris? But with Brad Ausmus on the DL, the Jew Crew needed a catcher, and "Snyder" is Jewish enough for me.
1B - Kevin Youkilis, BOS. A long-time Kee-pa Kids veteran, The Youk has started out this season in fine fashion, batting .324 with 8 HRs.
2B - Ian Kinsler, TEX. Back from injury and hitting balls like they were Nazis, Kinsler's batting .319 with a HR and 2 SB.
3B - Ryan Zimmerman, WAS. Jewish in name only, but perhaps his teammate Jason Marquis has taught him a barucha or two. That could be the reason he's hitting .311 with 8 HRs.
SS - Uh. Willie Bloomquist, KC. I wish I could tell you there was some stud Jewish shortstop on his way to the majors. Willie's batting .114. Someone get Derek Jeter to convert already.
OF - Ryan Braun, MIL. The prophecies were nearly correct. The messiah has arrived, but instead of walking through the gate at the Temple Mount, he's walked through the gate at Miller Park. And, you know, instead of world peace, he's brought five-categories of fantasy perfection. .333 average, 7 HRs, 9 SBs, 34 runs and 30 RBI.
OF - Gabe Kapler, TB. He's got the best Star of David tattoo in all of baseball. Unfortunately, he doesn't play that much. But his .250 AVG and 1 HR make Willie Bloomquist as jealous as one of Joseph's brothers.
OF - Nate Schierholtz, SF. Nate the great has been hitting .298 with 1 HR and 4 SB. Not lighting any fires, but enough to light the Shabbos candles at least.
UTIL - Ike Davis, NYM. His full name is Isaac Benjamin Davis. Yes, that's right, the New York Mets savior is a Jewish Boy, through his mother. He's already hit 4 Matzo balls out of the park.
Pitching Staff - Texas Rangers. Scott Feldman is the reason I chose the Texas Rangers as my pitching staff. He's had a rough year so far, 2-4 with a 5.90 ERA, but the Texas staff has been solid otherwise.
Bench:
1B - Lance Berkman, HOU. A mainstay of the Hebrew Hammers lineup, this Jew In Name Only is first off the bench if Davis, Youkilis, or Zimmerman struggles. Berkman is struggling himself however, batting .227.
OF - Adam Stern, MIL. A recent call-up, Stern could stick around if injuries to Milwaukee starter Jim Edmonds persist. Stern's been around a while, so maybe this is his chance to be invited to the Major League seder for good.
2B - David Eckstein, SD. He's not Jewish, but with a name like that, he might as well be. He's batting .287 with 1 HR. Now if he only played shortstop...
C - Brad Ausmus, LAD. On the DL, Ausmus probably won't get much playing time even when he does get back. But he's performed many a mitzvah for the Pais Players over the years, and his veteran presence is much needed.
OF - Travis Snider, TOR. I tried to get Adam Lind, who has a more Jewishy sounding name. But the Boston Red Dogs have so far refused to do business, despite my offers of James Loney, Nick Markakis, and Michael Bourn. Snider, however, may be the better player this year. He's on the DL now, but was hot before that, clocking 6 HRs with 3 SBs.
Overall, the Matzo Mashers are not as strong as we've been in the past, but they should hold their own and win some games. And who knows, maybe Jeter will convert after all.
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