Rachael Ray Is A Terrorist
By Robbie Republican
My dear patriots, we have been on quite a journey these past few years, ever since 9/11 showed us how jellyfish-spined liberals could lead to the end of the world as we know it. But even in our age of increased vigilance, it's often easy to overlook some of the gravest threats to our nation. While the blue state elitists distract us by forcing hard-working American farmers to grow abortion pills instead of corn, subliminal messages are being sent to our nation's impresionable minds through the television airwaves. And not just in pinko programs like "Sex in the City."
I wish the only station that existed was Fox News, and that the only commercials were for wholesome, family products like AK-47s and those Left Behind books. But unfortunately, the vast majority of Americans unwittingly expose themselves to television programming specifically designed to turn ordinary citizens into terrorists.
Case in point: Rachael Ray's Dunkin' Donuts Commercials
Now, an ordinary, perfectly sane American may see the commerical and believe it's just an innocent advertisement for coffee. But look closer. Look what's around Rachael Bin la... I mean Rachael Ray's neck:
That's right, the exact same keffiyeh, or "terrorist scarf" that Yasser Arafat wore. I'm not sure where she got it, but reliable sources tell me that Ray once trained in a Sudanese terror camp, where I can only assume she met up with influential Islamic cell leaders.
Need more proof Rachael Ray is in bed with Bin Laden?
That's right. There she is with Bin Laden's best friend, Bill "9-11" Clinton.
I'd like to thank political genius Michelle Malkin for pointing out all this to me. I actually am ashamed to say I used to drink Dunkin Donuts coffee, because the fat man they used to use in their commercials reminded me of a heavier, older version of a nice German gentleman I used to know who had some wonderful, if a bit poorly executed, ideas about how to get rid of liberals.
Now that I know better, I'm on the lookout for other subliminal messages trying to turn the good people of America into terrorist zombies. I believe I found one earlier today:
Yes, the Charmin Bear. At first, I didn't see anything. But then I noticed that the way the bear is holding the toilet paper, it almost looks like a keffiyeh. Almost exactly like a keffiyeh. So I looked deeper. And deeper. And the closer I looked, the more I became horrified by what I saw...
Kill USA??? A Hammer and Sickle?? What is he really selling, I wonder. Toilet paper?
So to you, my brave soliders, I say, be careful about what you watch. Especially if it's on one of those souless idol-worshipping stations, like NBC. And don't use Charmin anymore. Or any toilet paper for that matter. It's just not safe. Do what I do. Use the New York Times.
Till next time, my conservative warriors. Stay strong, and stay right.