Palin On The Dirt
By Robbie Republican
Good afternoon, my fellow patriots. Hope you had a fine Labor Day weekend, although, as I've stated before, it's a Communist holiday designed to disrupt American industry. But I digress. If you're a Republican like me, you already know about the shameful exploitation of innocent megacorporations by evil labor unions. I'm here to talk about a different subject, one of my favorites: Family. Specifically, how John McCain's VP choice, Sarah Palin, is the greatest mother in the world, and how she should, in November, become mother to all Americans.
I admit, at first I was stunned by McCain's pick. A woman? In the second-highest office in the land? I accepted it grudgingly, only because I knew it would really piss off Hillary Clinton.
But now I see. The Demoncrats-- no, that's not a typo-- are all up in arms about Sarah's seventeen year old daughter, who has apparently become pregnant out of wedlock. Those backward-thinking, stodgy old liberals seem to believe that teenage pregnancy is a bad thing. They think that Bristol getting pregnant means that Sarah was a bad parent. I have to say, I'm surprised at their attack. This is, after all, the political party that believes two men should be allowed to raise a kid (which Steve Guttenberg, in his documentary "Three Men and A Baby," proved was impossible).
Some people might think that when your teenage daughter is about to have a baby out of wedlock, it's selfish to run for Vice President and expose your family to media scrutiny. But I take a different view. Sarah wants people to see her daughter-- as a shining example. Sarah clearly believes, like I do, that women should give up their dreams, become full with child and become homemakers. You think the Chinese have a billion people because they encouraged their women to wait until after college to have babies? I don't think so.
If only more of our kids got pregnant at a young age. The younger the better. Because how else will we keep up with the Chinese? Or those Africans for that matter. Up with the birthrate, up with American power, I say.
Sarah could have declined the nomination and kept Bristol's life private... but she chose to share it with the world. You've got to admire a parent who would use their kid to further the pro-life agenda. Demo-rats (not a typo) say Sarah neglected her motherly duties. I say... good. Don't we want someone more devoted to her country than to her own children? I don't want a VP watching her kid's basketball game while Russia's fueling their warheads.
Some people seem to think McCain didn't know about this. But what they don't realize is that Bristol's pregnancy was all part of a carefully orchestrated plan crafted by the McCain campaign. What better way to show the social conservatives that you share their values? Values that state sex before marriage is sinful, sure. But if it does happen, as long as a baby is born, its all good. It's in the Bible, people, look it up.
Sure, when the movie Juno came out, I called it, "a sick celebration of teenage sexuality and teenage pregnancy. Yet another instance where Hollywood promotes hedonistic lifestyles that glorify immorality and sex." I, like Sarah, said that an abstinence-based education was the best way to keep our kids from having sex. And that if teens were getting pregnant, it was because of subliminal messages in Sheryl Crow songs.
But this is totally different. Teen pregnancy is a positive, beautiful thing, that in no way reflects on the parents. And if you can't see that, then you must be a Democrat. It's not worth explaining it to you.
It's a known fact that kids are involved in less crime and drugs when they're involved in an extracurricular activity. And what's more extracurricular than taking care of a child with a meathead who's written on his MySpace profile that he doesn't want kids? Something tells me Bristol won't have time to hit up the keggers at University of Juneau.
When Mom's Away At The Gun Range...
Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Obama predictably exploited the situation, saying "Let me be as clear as possible. I think people's families are off-limits, and people's children are especially off-limits." Typical Osama-speak. I wasn't there to hear the rest of his statement, but I'm pretty sure he said something about needing the blood of Bristol's child to perform satanic rituals. Clearly, Hussein believes that families should be dragged through the mud and tortured by the press. I'm not surprised. What else can we expect from a guy who's from Hawaii? That's not even a real state.
Thank God for Sarah Palin of Alaska. A woman who's not afraid to put her ambitions above her family. A woman who bravely trots out her child with Down Syndrome to prove what a saint she is, and but righteously gets upset when the media starts noticing her other children. A woman who has the experience, knowledge, and most importantly, glasses to help lead this country into the future. A future, which, as a Republican, I hope will closely resemble 1952.
As always my faithful, stay safe, stay strong, stay straight.