Oprah.com wastes a page of the internet today with an article about a subject of grave importance in our society.
Wait for it...
Peeing on the seat.
I won't link to the article, because I don't want Oprah thinking that articles about bathroom etiquitte are big traffic getters, but here's an excerpt:
I've been earning a paycheck for 30 years. Whether rinsing conditioner off a Lhasa apso during my stint as shampoo girl at Mr. Whiskers Pet Boutique or breathing on the chicken breast I was about to serve a rude diner during my waitressing days, I've always found that the people I work with matter to me. Their moods, their opinions, their style influence my life. They've appreciated me, humiliated me, surprised me, and antagonized me. I've gotten flowers and I've gotten fired (and I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything to deserve either), but I've never experienced anything like The Tinkler.Riveting, I know. Next week on Oprah: People who wear too much perfume in elevators. Followed by an essay on the guy in the office who types too loudly.
"Dammit!" I say upon encountering her latest Jackson Pollock imitation. Pat, Suzan, and Valerie each come out of their stalls to see what's wrong. I point in horror. Pat groans, Suzan moans, Val throws up her hands in disgust, and we fall into silence.
Then I rally, "At least we know it's not one of us." But everybody else is a suspect. "It can't be Sudie," Suzan volunteers. My eyes narrow. "What are you basing this on?" I ask. "I've seen her," she answers, "she always heads straight for the paper seat protector." "And," Valerie adds, "we can cross Mamie off the list -- it happened twice while she was in Sweden."
Sixty seconds ago, the four of us were editors; now we are FBI profilers. "She probably likes to burrow into small spaces," Pat conjectures. "This never happens in the big, wheelchair-accessible stall ..." "It's very primitive, as if she's marking her territory. This is clearly a hostile gesture," Suzan declares with authority.
On a related note, John McCain stated yesterday that he wants Dwight Schrute, of the hit TV show "The Office," to be his running mate in the Presidential election. Of course, he was on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," so he may have been joking. But its yet another reason to be disturbed my a possible McCain presidency. We already know he supports nearly all of Bush's policies... does this mean he's also a big supporter of Dwight's policies?
Then again, Dwight can't be much worse than Cheaney. Can he?